Do we want more of this or less? Less of it or more?
With less than a month to go until the independence referendum both sides are causing confusion by deploying BBC Scotland’s Mrs Brown’s Boys as their latest campaign weapon.
While the No side say that an independent Scotland would result in BBC Scotland being much smaller and having no money to produce shows such as Mrs Brown’s Boys and Waterloo Road the Yes side are saying exactly the same thing. Continue reading
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Grey vs. Bible. One’s fan fiction that somehow become wildly influential and the other is…ah, you know how this one ends
In order to reflect the diversity of the UK and the fact that it is home to people of many faiths and none, Travelodge has removed copies of the Bible from all its rooms and replaced them with copies of Fifty Shades of Grey and a Freddo bar.
Travelodge spokeswoman, Kat Simmonds, told the Evening Harold that when it came to having the Bible loose “we didn’t feel it was appropriate and so have replaced it with what our research tells us is the best alternative.”
“We realised that most people who stay in a Travelodge are alone and wondering why their life has come to this,” Kat Simmonds explained. “So the chocolate is there for some emotional over-eating and Fifty Shades is provided for the kind of joyless bout of self-pleasure that only someone who has to stay in budget inns a lot will understand.” Continue reading
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His real police mugshot. Arrest, it is a happy business.
There were tears across the globe this morning when news leaked that Justin Bieber’s plea bargain defence for illegal street racing will be accepted. Meaning that the half-man half-hair moussed jackal is free to continue his spree of crimes against music. Continue reading
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Omnipresent
Fans who missed Clare Balding from their television screens in the brief two day interlude between the end of the Commonwealth Games and the start of her new series ‘Big Beasts’, were celebrating last night at the news that the BBC is to launch a channel featuring the tomboy next door talents of the ubiquitous TV presenter.
Announcing the launch of the channel to be known as BBC Balding, replacing BBC Three, Director General Tony Hall said, “The new channel’s output will give the licence paying public what they deserve.” Continue reading
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“Miss me?”
As corruption, Syria, and flesh-eating zombies dominate the headlines – well, maybe not the zombies but would you be surprised? – the world is today facing up to a new horror: Phil Collins has announced that he is coming out of retirement. Continue reading
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Look what door he’s stood in front of. Is this what’s coming next?
Danny Cohen, the BBC’s Director of Television, has said that the corporation doesn’t think Jeremy Clarkson is racist but confirms that he is awful.
“I am convinced that Jeremy Clarkson is not racist,” Cohen wrote in a letter to the Guardian, “but merely a bully who mocks anyone who isn’t experiencing the world from his bubble of privilege.” Continue reading
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The mark of the devil
There are increasing calls for Gardeners’ Question Time to be taken off air following revelations of its unhinged behaviour. The latest one comes a day after Dr Ben Pitcher of the University of Westminster accused the show of being racist for using terms like ‘native’ and ‘non-native’ when discussing plant species and using the word ‘soil’ as a coded reference to racial purity. Continue reading
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Evans was presented with a black forest get out cake.
A contestant who was eliminated from the first round of the Great British Bake Off has been barred from returning to the village.
Many in Harold had initially been excited to spot Harriet Evans on the hit BBC show, but the joy swiftly turned to disgust when it was revealed her Swiss Roll was ‘a bit dry’.
“What the f**k was she thinking?” asked cllr Ron Ronsson. “Just 8 fluid ounces of milk with that much flour was never going to put Harold on the map. She left us with no choice but to burn down her cottage.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Entertainment, Food
“I was hoping for someone taller”
Cruise said he was starting to wonder whether Facebook quizzes were entirely accurate.
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Once made a film about being a boxer. Clearly learned nothing
Orlando Bloom has broken the hearts of his legions of fans, and disappointed everyone else, by failing to give Justin Bieber a decent slap when the opportunity arose. Having been insulted by Satan’s pop-meerkat, Bloom allegedly tried to punch him but failed to connect his blow leaving Bieber unscathed. Continue reading
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Clarkson entertains a worker by pointing out his ethnicity.
Motoring bigot Jeremy Clarkson has opened the first troll bridge in Britain, which allows drivers to abuse migrant workers and then drive off at speed.
Snipping the BBC red tape using a sort of scissor sign with his fingers, Clarkson explained that this represented England’s victory at Agincourt.
“The troll bridge gives motorists a chance to express themselves”, said Clarkson. “But being in a car, you can roar away before the recipient can complain.”
Clarkson explained how the system works. “You stop at the barrier, racially abuse the member of staff in the booth, then congratulate yourself on having a nicer car than them.”
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Cheryl Cole has taken to her website to reveal details of her secret publicity stunt. The stunt took place 7 days ago, but the lack of mainstream coverage forced her to reveal the details herself to “stop the constant speculation about [her] private life, should that constant speculation that isn’t happening, happen”.
In an interview with herself she explained: “I know what it is like being in the limelight, even if it’s been a while since I was. If I’m honest, when Jean-Bernard and I decided we were going to have a publicity stunt we were hoping our special day would caught on camera by the paparazzi.
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The Chancellor enjoying a good laugh
George Osborne’s attendance at the first of the Monty Python live shows has had an unforeseen consequence.
“I didn’t find the show funny at all,” the Chancellor said. “I don’t like men dressing up as women and talking in stupid voices. I like funny ladies like Mrs Brown. However I did find the contents inspiring.” Continue reading
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Kim settles down at the Rovers.
The Queen of Reality TV, Kim Kardashian, is reported to have accepted a role on Coronation Street; television’s longest running soap opera.
According to insiders, scenes have already been filmed in which curvaceous Kim, 33, has been cast as a barmaid and distraction for Steve McDonald, the landlord of the Rovers Return. Continue reading
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Together at last. Wonder if Jennifer Aniston is jealous?
Though his government have given her an honourary damehood William Hague is no closer to sleeping with Angelina Jolie.
“I don’t want to,” said the Foreign Secretary. “I totally respect her as woman and a human rights advocate and all that. Is she pretty? Can’t say I’ve noticed.”
“Ms Jolie is being rewarded for her campaigning for women’s rights,” Hague said. “I find it offensive that anyone would think that’s not true and that the real reasons are because she’s gorgeous, and a terribly unpopular government is seeking to sprinkle itself with stardust. That’s nonsense. We’re politicians, not bronies.”
Hague was last seen on his fourteenth pint of lager telling strangers he couldn’t see what all the fuss over Brad Pitt was about because women prefer shiny foreheads and warmongering to good looks.
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Ron Jeremy dressed as Mario. Video games don’t inspire crime but they do inspire horrible cosplay.
Psychologists at the University of Dunstable have announced a breakthrough in their pioneering research on violent video games. A fifteen year longitudinal study has proved conclusively that there is a direct link between games such as Call of Duty and Titanfall and tabloid journalists writing utter crap. Continue reading
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A controversial weed exhibition on the outskirts of Harold has been branded ‘misleading’ by visitors.
With many expecting to discover a rebellious display of cannabis plants, hippies and Arthritis sufferers alike were left disappointed after following signposts.
“The one outside the post office was definitely pointing left”, said one rotund outsider in a frankly awful, rainbow-coloured jumper and straggly pony tail scraped across his balding pate. “I’m standing right here, I can read what you’re writing”, he said angrily. “you’re exhibiting prejudice against people who suffer joint pain.”
Despite a string of inaccurate and obtuse posters giving hints to several places where the weed show wasn’t, some visitors eventually found a flower show in the pointy room above the church.
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The face of something contemplating a world in which Coldplay do not ever go away
Millions had their hopes dashed today when the meaning behind Coldplay’s so-called break up album was revealed. Despite expectation it’s not an album over which the band have broken up but merely one in which Chris Martin tits on endlessly about his ex-wife. Continue reading
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Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs have announced the are to apply for charitable status in an attempt to get “celebrities” to pay some contribution towards society.
The move comes as Gary Barlow joins Jimmy Carr and Chris Moyles to be threatened with the naughty step over their dubious tax affairs.
Lin Homer, chief executive of HMRC explained: “Trying to get these wealthy people to pay their fair share is impossible. We’re sure it’s because you don’t get any publicity for filling in a self assessment form.
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SHOCKING: Society no longer considers some words acceptable.
Scheduler Tony Jacobs, responsible for the BBC’s light entertainment output, has been sacked for accidentally mentioning the ‘n-word’, N*** Edmonds.
The n-word is considered the most offensive phrase to TV audiences, particularly those old enough to remember Mr Blobby.
“Our Saturday night schedule might be rather second rate at the moment, but that’s no excuse to start bandying about the n-word”, said acting chairman Diane Coyle.
“It’s degrading to our culture, it’s degrading to anyone who still buys a television licence. But most of all, it’s degrading to those who had to work with the c***.”
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