Prominent anti-vaxxer Jenny McCarthy lashed out at authorities for being too slow to develop a coronavirus vaccine that she can then refuse to take and instead promote an essential oil / crystal remedy.
“How can I save people from autism, toxic shock, and scrofula if there is no coronavirus vaccine to warn people not to take?” said a devastated McCarthy. “Gwyneth Paltrow and I have developed the perfect crystal soaked in essential oils placebo and we can’t scare market it until the coronavirus vaccine is rolled out. The stress is causing us to go double-blind”.
McCarthy implored the scientists to science more quickly so she can use her science to ridicule their science. “Gwyneth and I came out with our remedy almost immediately, how hard can it be? And we’ve scientifically proven our remedy to be scientifically proven with no margarine for error. A focus group of three rated the essential oils soaked crystals as “excellent” and the subsequent hospitalisation of one of them was due to an unrelated reaction to an earwax remedy.”
Attempts by the Evening Harold to debate the merits of her remedy were unsuccessful. “Herd immunity? Of course I’ve heard of immunity” said an indignant McCarthy. “I’ve also heard that any coronavirus vaccine will come out in a plain white bottle whereas our remedy is packaged in a calming pink and light blue colour-scheme.”
16 years, 5 months, and three days after being presented a best actress Oscar for ‘Shakespeare in Love’, Gwyneth Paltrow finally finished her acceptance speech.
The emotional speech started at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion on 21 March 1999 as Paltrow tearfully thanked a number of her fellow actresses, movie industry figures, and family members both living and dead.
As Gwyneth was led off the stage, she mumbled, “and my fans, I’d like to thank my fans” as she proceeded to thank all her fans individually by name, before moving onto individually thanking her fan’s friends and family. Continue reading →
The face of something contemplating a world in which Coldplay do not ever go away
Millions had their hopes dashed today when the meaning behind Coldplay’s so-called break up album was revealed. Despite expectation it’s not an album over which the band have broken up but merely one in which Chris Martin tits on endlessly about his ex-wife. Continue reading →