When they got home they found wind chimes in their garden
In a surprise revenge attack, hipsters broke into an anarchist’s home over the weekend, when he was out demonstrating against a cereal cafe, then filled it with John Lewis soft furnishing and fabrics.
“When we got back from the demo” sobbed one of the victims, Jeff Jones “we found some low-life had left a pair of lava lamps and an original Bang & Olufsen turntable in the living room and a fondue set in the kitchen.” Continue reading
Why is there only one word for ‘thesaurus’?
A new Scottish thesaurus which lists 422 words for members of the Conservative party, is facing a ban under the obscene publications act.
With words ranging from ‘bawbag’ to ‘jobby’, and dozens of ruder ones in between, the Scots have one more word for ‘twazzocks’ than they do for snow. And 421 more than they have Tory MPs.
Author Tristan Hemlock carried out much of his research in a Glasgow pub, and very shortly afterwards, a nearby infirmary.
“I sat down at the bar, and asked politely if any of the locals had a good word for the Tories”, explained Hemlock.
“The response was tremendous, I was met with a bewildering wall of abuse. Fortunately, I managed to write most of it down.”
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Chinned and ginger, just like dad.
Prince Harry will not appear on the popular genealogy show ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’, a coroner for one of the producers has confirmed.
Despite being third in line for the throne, Harry Windsor has a noticeable jaw and some hair left. The BBC family tree programme will not be finding out why.
“We don’t think anyone’s that interested”, said a researcher through the telecom of their panic room. “That’s what the director said, just before he stabbed himself in the back.”
Advances in technology now allow a person’s DNA to be identified from a cheek swab in a matter of minutes.
Sadly, Prince Harry is incapable of producing saliva, revealed the widow of the show’s technical consultant.
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It might be cramped, but you can always pop your dog on the passenger seat.
Fans of the much-anticipated ‘Star Wars – The Force Awakens’ have reacted angrily to the Millennium Falcon being branded an Audi.
With spiralling costs and an increase in video piracy, Disney claim they were ‘forced’ to seek income from the dark side.
“Product placement has been criticised in the past, but Audi is a natural brand to complement the Star Wars product”, said Disney’s Bob Taeft. “They chose the Millennium Falcon because it’s grey, doesn’t have indicators, but can do the Kessel run on half a tank of unleaded.”
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Filed under Advertisments, Culture, Entertainment
Waitrose have added a level of sophistication to parking enforcement with the introduction of artisan traffic wardens.
Waitrose spokesman Clive Edmonds says its artisan traffic wardens will issue bespoke parking tickets catering both to people new to parking infringing and also to the serious connoisseur of overstaying.
“Our artisans will hand craft parking tickets in silver-rich pewter, individually forged according to a centuries-old formula, and then put them on customer’s windscreens when they are one minute late” said Edmonds.
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A local man’s claim to have had a ‘great night out’ was scuppered after it emerged there was no photographic evidence of him waking up with a half-eaten 3am kebab on his face.
Jason Mills shared numerous photos of his night out on Facebook, from a big session at the Squirrel Licker’s Arms to a vomit-covered selfie from a Dunstable nightclub disabled toilet. But his morning after euphoria soon evaporated when his brother posted ‘where’s the kebab?’
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It was a play of two halves.
For those of you unable to make the long awaited opening night performance and unable to view it on You Tube thanks to a rather unreasonable ban on mobile filming, our Arts Correspondent Mariella Buss-Stop puts down her pint and casts her eyes over the cast’s performance at Elsinore last night.
From their hissed greeting at the appearance of old King Hamlet’s ghost to the mass weeping hysteria when the great one dies, the pubescent Cumberbitches’ in the audience made their presence felt last night at the Barbican. It could take days to mop up.
Here are my ratings for the players: Continue reading
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Filed under Culture, Showbusiness
Just a dream for most young people
A Dunstable University study says cinema popcorn is now so expensive, the only young people who can afford a tub are those whose parents help with the deposit, or those who live near unfashionable rundown cinemas.
“It is a ticking time bomb – young people know baby boomers owned their first tub of cinema popcorn in their late teens. They see the older generation having 3 or 4 tubs of popcorn each time they go the movies, when all they can hope for is crumbs. They see the super-sized drinks, the ostentatious purchase of chocolate buttons” said Professor Brian Rodgers.
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Entertainment
The maniac didn’t even spit at passing motorists.
A cyclist has attempted to travel through a rural area, while not dressed as an absolute cock-end.
The incident was dismissed as a hoax at first, but police were forced to react after being inundated with calls.
“An I.C 1 cyclist was apprehended this afternoon”, said PC Flegg, “while wearing a proper shirt, and trousers too loose to reveal his religion.”
“He wasn’t streaming his route to social media, there was no mention of Team Sky anywhere on his clothing, and he was riding in a courteous manner. This idiot clearly didn’t have a clue.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Fashion
In a lasting memorial to the late Cilla Black, the mayor of Liverpool, Joe Anderson has announced that her monumental gnashers are to be made into a full sized replica of Stonehenge. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, charity, Culture, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Liverpool, Media, Showbusiness, Society, Tourism
“I do NOT sound like that, you bipedal twat.”
Your dog is deeply offended by that ridiculous voice you do for it, and would kill you if only it was bigger.
That’s the finding of a leading scientist in the field of anthropomorphology, who made the discovery using a spaniel with brain wires.
“When your dog is looking at you, while you hold a tennis ball for a bit too long, it isn’t saying ‘throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball'”, said Professor Janet Fernandez.
“What it’s actually thinking is ‘you stupid bald monkey, this is lasting seven times longer for me. And if you don’t project The Orb of Joy NOW I will happily bite you’.”
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British is who you are, not what you are.
Question 1.
You are in the supermarket when the store manager announces over the tannoy that an imminent meteor strike is heading your way. Do you
A – Panic buy all the toilet paper, shoving children and old ladies out of the way in your hurry to get what’s rightfully yours?
B – Use it as an opportunity to steal a laptop while everyone is distracted?
C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?
D – Queue patiently for the self service check out, tutting occasionally at all the noise and disorder.
Question 2.
You are on a crowded bus when a frail, elderly gentleman of dark skinned appearance struggles on only to find no seats available. Do you
A – Cast your eyes everywhere but at him in the hope that you don’t meet his gaze.
B – Take the piss out of his shoes?
C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?
D – Offer him your seat insisting that it’s perfectly fine despite your broken leg and neck brace?
Question 3.
You are watching the television news when a piece comes on about a major tragedy affecting hundreds of foreign people in a country you’ve never even heard of. Do you
A – Switch over to watch “When The World’s Shoutiest TV Presenters Attack”?
B – Laugh?
C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?
D – Immediately ring the charity help line to make a small donation then go and make a cup of tea?
Question 4.
You hear that a family of Syrian asylum seekers is moving into the house next door. Do you
A – Immediately start a petition among the local residents to get the filthy scrounging foreign benefit claiming scum removed?
B – Spray paint abusive messages on their front door telling them to go home?
C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?
D – Knock on the door to see if they need anything and invite them to pop round for a nice cup of tea?
Question 5.
You are on holiday in Majorca with your family when you see a woman wearing full burka despite the 40 degree heat. Do you
A – Carry on walking to the ‘Queen Victoria’ British theme pub, grab a pint of John Smith’s and an all day fry up then sit and moan about all the foreigners coming into Europe these days bringing their weird customs and practices and doing nothing to integrate with the local culture?
B – Throw stones at her until she cries?
C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?
D – Think to yourself that she must be jolly warm under that lot and wonder whether she’d appreciate a refreshing cup of tea?
Time to check your answers.
Mostly A – You are probably aged 18 to 35 and have grown up on a diet of Jeremy Kyle, Daily Mail and social media. You’re more of a bigot than your parents but not as bad as your kids. You believe everything you read on the internet.
Mostly B – You are probably aged 11 to 18 and were brought up by people who answered mostly A.
Mostly C – You are either a member of Islamic State or an American. It’s really not easy to tell from your answers.
Mostly D – You have many of the traits that made British people great before consumerism, Americanisation, me-first attitudes and the practice of everything catering solely for the hard-of-thinking took root. Congratulations, you can stay.
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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Culture, Europe, International News, Lifestyle, News, Politics, Society, Uncategorized
Tattoos can help you stand out from the crowd.
Have you got ink? Curious about what it means? Evening Harold unpicks the scabs on the tattoo code…
Swallow on neck: You are an Arthur Ransome fan.
Tear under one eye: You suffer from hayfever. (Please offer this person antihistamines if they appear to be in difficulty.)
Anchor on forearm: Possible subconscious iron deficiency.
Unicorn: You interfere with horses.
Football club badge: You are working class. Talk to someone about chips.
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Filed under Culture
A Harold man who requested ‘breakfast in bed, a box of chocolates, and a blowjob’ for Father’s Day says he was just being ironic, and he was perfectly happy with his haul of two slices of toast and a box of Roses chocolates.
“To be honest, I was rapt to even get two of the three” said insurance assessor and father of three Alan Atkins. “I’d have been just as happy, but definitely no more happy, to say get the chocolates and a blowjob.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture
‘Like being abroad, but more real.’
Las Vegas is planning to make the Luxor casino resort ‘even more Egypty’, by dressing some staff as terrorists.
Renowned for its eye for historic detail, the Pyramid-inspired hotel will soon ring to the sound of small ‘entertainment explosions’.
“We know that Americans are fascinated by Egypt, just enough to drive to the desert and gawp at a fibre-glass sphinx”, said manager Chuck Kowalski.
“But a few have complained that it isn’t authentic, and that there aren’t enough terrorists for them to have a pop at.”
Kowalski blames the internet for leaking news of the ‘real Egypt’ into the conscious of America, but sees desperate suicide bombers as an opportunity, rather than a threat.
“All our staff are paid equity and we provide them with medical insurance, as well as some pretty good bullet-proof vests.”
“Why not empty a clip into the chest of a young man dressed as a terrorist?”, asked Kowalski, “and then brag about it afterwards, over a talibanana daiquiri in the Muslim Brotherhood bar?”
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Filed under Culture, Entertainment
Hobbly the Blackbird has already spawned his own merchandise.
An intern on popular wildlife show ‘Springwatch’ has revealed how she was forced to maim a songbird to meet BBC diversity targets.
Hayley Swank was ordered to ‘blunt its beak, or pull a wing off or something’ by an Inclusiveness Director on the programme.
“I asked if I could just give one of its legs a chinese burn”, said Swank. “But they told me I was being racist.”
Instead, Swank pulled a couple of feathers out and fed it a heavy pie, so that on camera at least, it appeared just disabled enough to not offend the audience.
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A Harold Council health and safety training course due to be held on Monday has been postponed following concerns about the weight of the training folder.
The updated folders were delivered to the council offices on Friday, but due to their now excessive weight they have been left on the floor, surrounded by highly visible tape, a warning sign, and a copy of the council’s public liability insurance certificate.
“The delivery driver romantically dropped off the training material on bended knee, with a straight back, and arms at shoulder length,” Joan Willis, the council’s health and safety officer said. “It was text book manual handling. Well at least we think it was.
“Sadly we can’t be sure as the amount of health and safety rules we now need to follow means the health and safety training manual is too heavy for anyone to move and check.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, News
In a shocking case of neglect, a young girl who had not heard of the movie ‘Frozen’ was taken into care by Dunstable Social Services.
Concern was first aroused when Ella Evans, 8, entered the St Marys school talent quest and sang a song that wasn’t ‘Let it go’. Then, during a cold snap, Ella expressed indifference after an invitation to build a snowman. The final straw came during school dress-up day when Ella wore a blue dress but insisted she was Marie Curie.
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Filed under Culture, Entertainment, Movies
Twitter’s new live streaming app, Periscope, has revolutionised the way dull friends can share their tedious shit by giving you, their ever-grateful friend, a chance to see it live.
Once upon a time, friends sharing pictures of their every meal was the staple diet of social media. Periscope takes that to the next level giving you the chance to watch them cook it, and eat it, all in real time leaving you to realise that turning down every invitation to a dinner party they were having was pointless.
And for those of you that think other people’s kids are, on the whole, snotty little infection spreading devil creatures, you’ll be glad that now you don’t have to flick through the 30,000 pictures of little Tommy on the swing to create the illusion of him moving, you can watch him do it live, hoping to God he falls out at least giving you something to laugh at.
To the delight of the NSA and GCHQ, Periscope is not only for your friends to show you in real time that their cat is “soooooooo cute” because the furry rugby ball can lick its own arse while purring like every other cat. You can also use it to spy on people from all over the world, with their consent.
This has led to endless mind-numbing live streams of news anchors and reporters using Periscope to show them reading the news. This is a truly amazing and eye-opening revelation for anyone unable to get to grips with the complex operation of turning on the TV.
Periscope has also become the new home on the Internet for perverts who think that a woman pointing a camera at themselves is an automatic invitation for requests to ‘show your tits’, with many of the perverts unable to even stretch their vocabulary to the full sentence of the request opting instead for just one word, ‘boobs’.
So all in all, everyone live streaming every detail of their mundane lives is frankly a novelty that we hope will wear off soon or hopefully evolve quicker than many of the knuckle draggers that fill up some of the comments.
Now we must shoot off and watch more of this highly addictive rubbish so we can sneer at it a bit more. We might even live stream a bit ourselves. Have you seen what our office blame monkey Cleggsy McCoy looks like on the toilet?
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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, News, Technology
The Daily Mail has had its medication reviewed after a study of its website shows it is still confusing Kim Kardashian for news.
“We thought we had dealt with this illness that sees them confuse paparazzi stalking and soft core perversion with news,” The MailOnline’s therapist told us.
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