Hunt tries to demonstrate how much blame attaches to him, personally
Popular Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt is furious, after learning that his hospitals are £930m in the red in the first three months of the financial year.
“More than the whole of last year! Who the f*ck created this cock-up?” Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, Health, News, Politics
Ham Fisted
The pig at the centre of the David Cameron scandal has broken her silence in an exclusive kiss and squeal interview.
Under the alias ‘Margaret’ she said that she wanted to get things straight, “Something Mr Cameron had no trouble doing in his student days”.
Filed under Badgers, breaking news, News, Politics, Sex, skeleton, Society, spam, Troubled Families
Queen slurred the National Anthem, before sicking on a corgi.
The Queen has finally been subdued and arrested after a drunken rampage in Central London which left eyewitnesses both appalled at the carnage and impressed by how supple she is.
Her Majesty had been celebrating becoming the UK’s longest reigning monarch, beating Queen Victoria’s previous ‘scowl ‘n’ wave’ record of 63 yrs and 216 days by one day and counting.
Police were called to Buckingham Palace after tourists alerted them to ‘an elderly lady drenched in gin’. Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, News, Royals
Room for one thousand more on top.
David Cameron’s forehead is to be sent to the Syrian border camps to collect the 20,000 additional refugees the UK government has agreed to let live.
Aid agencies had been struggling to find a vessel large enough and empty enough to transport the refugees, and have welcomed the use of Mr Cameron’s forehead while he’s not using it. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Children, Civil rights, Europe, Save The Children, Society, Travel, Uncategorized
Following a freedom of information request, the internet service provider which supplies broadband to the palace of Westminster has revealed what members of the two houses of parliament surf the web for during the really boring bits of government. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Labour, Politics, Sex, Social media, Society, Technology, Tony Blair, Tory sex scandal, Uncategorized
Like the Lenin hat, Jeremy!
The competence of the Labour Party has been questioned once again after it was announced that leadership hopefuls, Liz Kendall, Yvette Cooper and Andy Burnham had all withdrawn from the contest in favour of Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper and Liz Kendall.
Driven by a combined fear that Jeremy Corbyn might have an outside chance of becoming the next Labour leader if someone didn’t step down from the contest, each of the prospective leaders fell upon their swords leaving the grizzled leftie a shoo-in for the leadership.
“It’s even worse than the Miliband debacle,” said one veteran Labour activist. “They’ve all pulled out and in seconds have collectively set the Party back by thirty five years without a single bacon roll in sight.” Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, Politics
His nostrils follow you round the room
Piers Morgan’s ego has just been found to be ever so slightly bigger than previously thought, having a diameter of 2,370km.
The measurement was made by the New Horizons probe which is about to flyby the massive bell-end.
Although Nasa’s probe is programmed to measure infinitesimally small objects it may still be unable to register what Morgan knows about phone hacking, dodgy share-dealing or successfully hosting a chat show.
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Filed under breaking news, Intergalactic News, science
“That’s made my day!” IDS hears claimant really does have multiple sclerosis
Iain Duncan Smith has defended his department’s humiliation of Nick Gaskin, who cannot walk, talk or feed himself.
“It’s a well known fact in my head that benefits scroungers pretend to have multiple sclerosis, constructing elaborate facades by being fed and toileted by an army of well-meaning but frankly gullible carers.”
DWP officials repeatedly asked Mr Gaskin to attend a Jobcentre interview or risk his benefits being stopped. “We were pretty sure he was a wrong’un.” says IDS “When the potential consequences were explained to Mr Gaskin during a home visit, he just sat there blinking, so we clearly had him rattled.”
Nick Gaskin, from Leicestershire, was diagnosed with primary progressive multiple sclerosis (MS) 16 years ago. He needs round-the-clock care and can only communicate through blinking.
“So what?” asked IDS “I need round the clock care myself. In fact we have a dedicated DWP unit just to follow me round and sweep up the shit I make up. And I can’t actually feed myself either – not on a Ministerial salary.”
“But you don’t see me queuing up with a begging bowl and shall I tell you why? Well, yes, living rent free in a mansion on my father-in-law’s estate helps, but this isn’t about me. Don’t change the subject.”
Fangs for the memory …
The inconvenience of death will not interrupt the amazing career of Christopher Lee who, according to his agent, was signed up to star in a Zombie blockbuster movie only moments after the announcement of his undeath from supernatural causes.
“For many actors, stepping over to the other side is something of a setback to their career, but for Christopher, it will be business as usual,” said his agent Morticia De’ath. “The offers have been flooding in since news of his demise came through.” Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, Obituary
Harold’s fattest man, Billy McKean, has welcomed today’s news that physical activity does not reduce obesity.
The British Journal of Sports Medicine says it’s time to “bust the myth” about exercise.
Most Villagers will know that McKean starred in the TV documentary ‘Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog’ and has himself done extensive research.
“If they’d only asked me first” says Billy “I could have saved them a lot of time. Are you going to eat all those chips?”
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Filed under breaking news, Health, News
Appropriate use of an NHS blanket?
The police have launched an investigation following accusations that Ed Miliband was stabbing the British people in the back with the Trident replacement.
In a statement a spokesperson for Westminster police confirmed the Labour leader was to be questioned later today.
“At this stage we’re not sure how anyone could be stabbed with a nuclear missile, but whenever we receive allegations of wrongdoing, even from the Daily Mail, we are duty bound to investigate to ensure a criminal offence has not been committed.” Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, Election 2015
Put a ring on this Cameron.
Diminutive pot smoking, dragon baiting, hole dwelling dwarf fancier Bilbo Baggins has come out in support of the Labour Party for this year’s general election.
The pint sized adventurer has made a special video outlining why he believes Labour can win on trolling day 7th May 2015.
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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Election 2015, Election 2015, Labour, Politics, Tony Blair, Uncategorized
A carrot
A greengrocer in Harold has angrily denied that he’s quitting, and instead vowed to continue in his role.
Defiantly operating his till and a sort of weighing contraption to the left of it, Dominic Evans of ‘Evans Vegetables and Sons’ faced up to a string of customers, one at a time.
The move to stay put comes quickly after the departure of Cllr Ron Ronsson: he brushed past our reporter carrying a melon and some carrots.
Despite the ‘cash for fruit’ controversy, no-one has actually called for Evans to leave. But they will do, once a journalist gets to the front of the queue. “What on earth are talking about?” demanded Evans. “Where the f*** would I go?”, before adding “do you want those potatoes or not?”
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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Business, Culture, News
Sorry son, we’re out of sprinkles, would a ’99’ do?
A man who stood next to Andreas Lubitz in an ice cream van queue, after a hectic game of football, has revealed that Lubitz had looked ‘a little wild-eyed and dishevelled’.
“At the time, I wondered if he might, later in life, become a pilot then kill himself and commit murder by crashing his aircraft into an Alp” said Gerhard Flumpf. Flumpf now regrets dismissing it as a random thought. By the time they were back in school on Monday he’d completely forgotten about it; until twenty one years later, when the 27 year old Lubitz did exactly as feared and a posse of journalists arrived in his home town waving cheque books.
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Filed under breaking news, International News, News, Travel
Available in the foyer or on download
At Leicester Cathedral today, Elton John will play yet another version of ‘Candle in the wind’.
“Funnily enough” said the Cabbage Patch doll of Pop “it debuted at Richard III’s first funeral and Bernie agreed we should wheel it out again for this one.”
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Filed under breaking news, Royals
Got any change Mister?
Part-time politician, charmless Thatcher leftover Sir Malcolm Rifkind, apologised today for having told the truth yesterday, when insisting he was ‘entitled’ to more than an MP’s salary of £67,000.
“Quite by mistake, I said what I really believed. I now realise that made me look like a twat. A privileged Tory with my head so far up my bottom that I only see the light of day when I reappear from my own throat. I do hope that clears things up.”
When questioned about his comments on Channel 4’s Dispatches programme, Sir Malcolm Rifkind explained his remarks had been taken out of context. “Yes, I did say I’d a surprising amount of free time, was self-employed and that no-one payed me a salary. But the context was that I’d forgotten I was an MP; a simple error of judgement. Haven’t you ever forgotten that you work for the Telegraph?”
A former political adviser to Sir Malcolm gave her reaction to his decision to stand down as an MP to BBC News: “I have to say there’s huge respect that he’s done the honourable thing … no, I’m sorry … can we take that again?
Filed under breaking news, Election 2015, Politics
An ITV weather forecaster on ITV
BBC news update latest:
Fred Talbot, the former ITV weatherman, has been convicted of historic sex offences, committed when he was a teacher, some time before he worked for ITV as an ITV weatherman. For ITV. Not the BBC.
ITV has yet to comment on the conviction of predatory sex offender Fred something-or-other, who worked for ITV on the popular ITV morning show ‘This Morning’ aired daily on ITV at a time when young children might have been watching ITV unsupervised.
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Filed under breaking news, Crime, Weather
Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.
George Osborne has pledged to eradicate all money problems for poor people after the next election by doing away with all money for poor people. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, charity, Election 2015, Election 2015, Health, Housing, Lifestyle, Medicine, Politics, Society, Troubled Families, Uncategorized
After days of terror where gangs of cats peed in neighbour’s gardens and bailed up dogs while the cats owners chanted ‘cats are great!’, moderate cat ladies have been urged to condemn extremist cat ladies.
The attacks seemed to be in retaliation to an unflattering depiction of a cat in the latest issue of the Harold Kennel Club’s monthly magazine, but most villagers say a poorly drawn cat by a dog owner can never be an excuse for a feline rampage.
Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Law and Order
Business booming for Jesus Charlie
A loose coalition of dyslexics, failed French students, owners of phones with sticky ‘i’ keys, and Americans attempting to join the ‘Je suis Charlie’ campaign is thought to be behind the surge in Jesus Charlie’s Twitter and Facebook followers, though Mr Charlie says that isn’t the sole reason.
Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, International News
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