It’s what he goes to school for
Distraught Harold teenager, Simon Delaney has spoken out on the very serious subject of male school pupils being sexually harassed by their female teachers.
“Nothing,” he said glumly. “I’d get more action from teachers if I was at Hogwarts and half the staff there are ****ing ghosts.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Education, Sex
The world was a better place when men’s casual meant a slightly less restrictive waistcoat ; not flaunting your moobs in the faces of the unwary.
Nick Clegg raised eyebrows during a speech last night when he confessed that he likes to dress up as William Gladstone – the towering political figure who served as a Liberal Prime Minister four times including two years during which he was simultaneously Prime Minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer.
“It’s not a sex thing,’ Clegg told a bemused audience of cycling proficiency instructors. “It just makes me feel safe. When I dress as Gladstone I feel that I look right that it’s the real me.” Continue reading
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We searched for images on the theme ‘bride at a funeral’ and this was the first picture we got. Can anyone explain this?
With the upper echelons of the Church of England still debating the issue of women Bishops, the parish of Harold is already bringing the Church bang up to date.
St Paul’s is to pilot special discounts for 2013/2014. Speaking at the launch, Priest-in charge Rev. Tansy Forster outlined the key details of the scheme. “The headliner is that we’re offering ‘Three for Two’ on weddings, christenings and funerals.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Religion
Harold resident Alfie Brooks was delighted yesterday to be named as the winner of one of Britain’s longest running competitions.
Ringo Starr and Paul MacCartney both made the trip to Harold in person to announce Alfie as the winner of the “Which is the best Beatles album?” competition launched in 1970.
The competition was originally due to end in 1971, when George Martin sent the answer to Ringo. However Ringo misplaced the envelope and assuming it had been used as roach material, they decided to ‘Let it be’ and the competition rumble on for a further 42 years…outliving two of the Beatles! The contest has led to fierce debate around the country, not least in the Squirrel Lickers Arms where the pub landlord Eddie once broke a regular’s femur for suggesting that Rubber Soul was better than Abbey Road. Continue reading
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Cheered on by an enthusiastic crowd in Basingstoke
A young couple from the village of Harold have spoken of their excitement at being chosen to represent England in the World Cross-Country Oral Sex Championships, held yearly in Finland.
In this ancient and traditional sport, a married couple must race over harsh mountain terrain, overcoming challenging obstacles and all the while indulging in mutual oral pleasure. The gruelling challenge proves too much for most competitors, and only the couples with greatest stamina, upper-body strength and head for heights stand a chance.
“We’ve been working so hard for this,” chirped bubbly Fiona Darling, 23. “My husband’s been up before dawn every morning for months, it’s been a real grind, but we’re ready. We won the UK championships in a close finish in Basingstoke back in April, and it’s amazing to find out we have a chance to bring it off again in Finland.”
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Mind the cabbages!
Following winter flight delays at many UK airports, Harold Council has given the thumbs up for an all-weather cover at the ‘airstrip’ behind Church Road allotments. Eschewing technology used at sports venues, the allotment committee has taken a more straightforward approach.
“Of course, we looked at Wimbledon. The strawberries were good but the sliding roof would have cost about £13.6m; even with the Trevor Bayliss hand-wind version.” said committee spokesperson Frank Johnson.
“Anyway, allotment subs had already gone up by £4 this year so we plumped for something a little more affordable, keeping the ‘horticultural look’ of the area. In the end, we ordered heavy-duty polythene covers from Gardman Polytunnels. Funnily enough their ‘Jumbo’ range accommodates a 1930s Douglas Dakota DC3, with over a foot to spare at either wing tip, and might be safe with 25mm of snow and 30mph winds.”
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Heads & Tails butchers promises to ‘make ends meat’
The villagers of Harold have taken to the high street, to celebrate their new-found independence from Tesco. Many spent under 45 minutes finding a parking space and then a business that wasn’t all boarded up.
For decades Harold has lived under the cruel tyranny of Tesco, suffering from a wide range of goods at near-affordable prices. But now a reasonably hygienic butchers has opened up on the High Street, breaking Tesco’s stranglehold on the community’s meat-based desires. Cllr Ron Ronsson spoke for many when he simply could not hold back his delight with this new place to get his chop on.
“I’ve been shopping in Tesco for so long now, I’d forgotten about the high street completely”, said Ronsson. “Then I found this amazing business that just sells meat and things made from the wobbly bits, so I thought ‘why don’t I buy everything from here?'”
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Is it a chocolate log?
The gala opening of Dunstable’s new multi-million pound swimming and leisure complex hit a bum note yesterday, after a patron took ‘bombing the pool’ literally.
Just moments after the official opening ceremony, and within minutes of the great and good of Dunstable, Harold and Felching taking the plunge into the state-of-the-art pool, local school children, politicians and selected villagers were evacuated after an evacuation of an altogether different kind.
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This story really relies on you knowing where “civet coffee” comes from…
Lovers of fine coffee in the village of Harold are flocking to sample the aromatic blends of local entrepreneur and alcoholic Reg Boggis, who is delighting the locals
with his personally ‘homemade’ civet coffee beans.
For those not in the know, civet coffee beans are unusual in that they have passed through the digestive system of the civet, a nocturnal cat-like mammal
native to tropical Asia and Africa. The animals digest coffee berries but not the beans inside, which are passed into the “fecal matter”. In words of one syllable, the beans are shat out by the animals and then harvested. The enzymes in their stomach acid help produce a bean that is sought-after for its smooth, caramel-like taste, and can fetch over $1000 per kilo from the richer sort of Guardian reader.
Seeing the opportunity for marketing a boutique coffee in the village’s trendy cafe scene, Boggis was at first discouraged by the absence of civets from Harold’s native fauna, and all attempts to persuade his tabby cat Ernie to eat coffee beans ended in savage failure.
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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, DNA, Lifestyle
Lula-Belle is currently on vacation in the Maldives.
After the death of local businessman Brendon McDonald in March of this year, many villagers assumed that his estate would bequeath the bulk of Mr McDonald’s wealth to his son and daughter-in-law, but details of his will published today tell a very different story.
In his will, Mr McDonald repeatedly refers to his daughter-in-law of 36 years as ‘A gold digging tart’, who, he claimed, ‘only married my feckless, gullible son for his future wealth’. Close friends of McDonald confirm that he died unshaken in his belief that his son’s wife was little more than a cheap floozie who had nothing better to do in life that wait for her husband’s inheritance.
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Mandi seemed normal just before her apology
A flight attendant today broke down and issued tearful apologies to passengers affected by a five hour delay of a Ryanair flight into Dunstable International Airport.
Mandi Jones, a 23 year old flight attendant from Harold, was overcome with emotion and wailed uncontrollably after realising that the 243 passengers had not only suffered an uncomfortable 4 hour wait in a crowded cold departure lounge, but had also had their onward travel plans disrupted.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Lifestyle, News
When we asked the internet for images on the theme of female masturbation to go with this story one of the first pictures it gave us was this one of C.S Lewis. He is terribly sexy but it was still quite a surprise.
The news that an app has been launched to encourage female masturbation has been met with despair from Harold’s older generation.
“Young people today,” grumbled Ruby Butler, 83. “They’ll need an app to tell them when to breathe in-and-out next. In my day we didn’t have iPhones explaining at us about having fun with our otter’s pockets we had to make our own entertainment and it was lovely.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News
Retirement present was ‘first clue’
Britain’s leading Fromologist has finally discovered what it was that he was supposed to be doing, just hours before his official retirement.
Dr Tristan Moorchamps, 68, has enjoyed the trappings of success associated with his field for nearly 40 years. Indeed, many of his learned colleagues have spoken of their admiration for a man who would regularly stop at nothing in his relentless pursuit of Fromological excellence.
Renowned for his impressively obscure vocabulary as much as his manifold speech impediments, Moorchamps was custodian to his college’s hallowed fromology library. There he would spend many a long decade, translating tomes from the original Latin into Swahili and back, looking for amusing discrepancies that could be used in after-dinner anecdotes.
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The “Downton”
Developers plans for ‘an exclusive estate of executive homes’ received a warm welcome from villagers at a public meeting yesterday, provided that the prices of the new homes were prohibitively high enough to deter ordinary people from moving to Harold.
At a public meeting attended by the self-appointed great and the good of the village, chaired by Councillor Ron Ronsson, villagers expressed their delight that the homes, which start with an unreasonable price tag of £849,999, will attract the “right sort of people” to the village making their dream of a Harold branch of Waitrose come a little closer to reality. Continue reading
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With the number of available graveyard plots critically low, and the amount of potholes raising, a local council in the village of Harold have decided to cure the two problems with one easy solution. Any body looking to have a funeral at a reduced rate can choose to be buried in a pothole.
“This idea solves so many problems” Councillor Ronsson told us, “Graveyard don’t fill up, potholes get filled in, and the remaining family aren’t left having to find the money for a proper funeral.
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Uncategorized
Tired of your tramp stinking? Fed up of the stench of stale urine, Special Brew and BO? Had enough of your local vagabond being surrounded by their own cloud of flies? Or worse, is your hobo’s aura showing signs of wear and tear? Then Mick Clarkson of Clarkson’s Cars has the answer!!
Following on from the success of his car wash and automated dog grooming businesses, Mick has launched another innovative service: high pressure Aromatherapy for Tramps.
Speaking exclusively to the Evening Harold, Mr Clarkson told us that the inspiration for his new venture came from the annual Trampfest, which sees hundreds of people who are strangers to soap descend upon the village.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Technology
Stairway to heaven?
In a desperate attempt to boost local tourism, the village of Harold has decided to institute a Rock ’n’ Roll Trail by renaming several local features after classic music tracks.
The idea after a planning committee met to consider a name for a path which leads out of the village with no apparent destination. “It’s very old,” said committee chairman, Eileen Remnant, 76, “but no one has a clue where it used to go to. It just fizzles out at the top of a slope.”
“When I joked that it was a road to nowhere, Councillor Cummerbund pointed out that this was title of a hit by a pop group apparently called The Talking Heads. Then the idea of naming other village places after popular songs and groups grew.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Lifestyle, News
Spirit of the Aged?
An elderly couple from Harold are looking forward to a ‘once in a lifetime’ holiday in space, after negotiating a discount for taking their own food.
Until now, VirginGalactic has insisted on providing its own nutritionally-maximised, dehydrated meals, but they hadn’t reckoned with Joan Hambleton’s stubborn insistence on behaving as if there was still a war on.
Joan and her husband Malcolm have long dreamed of travelling into space, ever since they watched the moon landing on a neighbour’s television. “We used to borrow their newspaper as well, they often threw it away when there was still some reading left in it”, said John.
“When we read that man would land on the moon, I just knew Malcolm and I would echo NASA’s achievements some day. But only after we’d made some awkward, bloody-minded cost-savings to show everyone how thrifty we are.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, science
The only bush to be shaped with wax strips
There were blushes at the annual Harold Flower Show yesterday, when it was realised that the winning entry for the bush topiary section had been created from the pubic hair of the successful gardener’s wife.
Jane Fondant, leader of the local Women’s Institute and sponsor of the prize, admitted that the entry was within competition rules. “There was nothing to say that the entry had to be fashioned from the green foliage of a bush; but naturally we were thinking of a shrub rather than Mrs Kennedy’s nether regions. Things have changed a lot in the WI since Calendar Girls, and we are keen to embrace, as it were, anything that distances us from the old jam and Jerusalem image.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Royals
Upward-Facing Dog
Some have called the idea ‘barking mad’, others think she’s bitten off more than she can chew, but local teen Melanie Delaney hopes that her latest business idea won’t be dogged with problems.
Harold resident Melanie (19) who was once almost mistaken for Paris Hilton is a self-taught yoga instructor with high hopes of success. After watching her pet Chihuahua, Mr Pips, contort himself into a series of amazing postures while attempting to lick his own bottom, Melanie was inspired to create yoga classes just for man (and woman’s) best friends.
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