A sickening monster, and Rolf Harris (also a sickening monster).
Disgraced keyboard ‘The Stylophone’ could face further charges, after it was convicted this week of historic music offences.
With its clean-cut styling and friendly vibrato control, few suspected the racket it was capable of.
“I always trusted Stylophone, even though the older kids said keyboards sometimes dabbled in prog rock”, said Harold resident Dave Evans.
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, music
The breakthrough could one day answer the question: ‘why do cats have a back?’
A Harold scientist has been hailed a hero after developing an adhesive that can bond two cats together.
After years of experimenting with dozens of tacky tabbies, Rachel Guest finally made the breakthrough that enabled two felines to be combined into one octo-puss.
Guest explained why the glue had been so difficult to create. “There’s the fur to contend with, and obviously given their claws and teeth, it’s useful if it’s quick drying”, she explained. “And it needs to be resistant to shear forces, so they don’t come apart when they run through a cat flap.”
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Filed under Around Harold, science
Neighbour also left a lot of clutter laying about.
A woman in Harold has slammed the government for creating the sort of uncaring society where a neighbour could lay dead for several years without being noticed.
Doris Kettle was clearly irritated by the disruption caused by fumigators and a team of police forensic scientists.
“It’s been nothing but trouble living here. Shortly after we arrived there was a weird bumping and clattering sound; then our Fred said he kept hearing a moaning, ghostly voice saying “I’ve had a fall and broken my leg, whoooohooo please call an ambulance …whooohooo.
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Filed under Around Harold, charity, Society
Natural, healthy, tedious.
With the government advising parents to only allow their children to drink water, Harold Councillor Ron Ronsson has come up with a delicious way of livening up this boring drink:
“Canned drinks can be bad for you, which is why I only give my children water. But if your kids are like mine, then they’re fussy as well as fat: why not follow my simple recipe to help you ‘fancy it up’ a bit?”
“And that’s it! I always insist my urchins brush their teeth immediately after, or at least once they’ve slept some of it off. And what do they need to rinse the toothpaste out of their mouths? You guessed it! More of my delicious ‘Ronsson Water’!”
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Filed under Around Harold, Food, Health, Lifestyle
Some shop visitors find a flag in their size.
With England as good as out of the World Cup, a charity shop in Harold has been mistaken for a BNP outlet after receiving hundreds of old, unwanted England flags.
Doris Kettle works in the store for a few hours a week, and has been staggered by the response.
“Normally we find it hard to find volunteers, but since Friday morning we’ve been inundated with fat, tattooed, shaven headed men asking if they can sign up to ‘help the cause'”, revealed Kettle.
“Now that we have 15 on every shift I’m a bit scared to tell them the money goes to poor Africans.”
Filed under Around Harold, Business, charity, Sport
Cake and biscuits can also be used to slow scooters down.
Tesco has announced a range of mobility scooter calming measures, including speed bumps placed at regular intervals in the aisles.
Analysts have linked Tesco’s fall in profits with last year’s purchase of a Sunset Freedom Anklebain by Harold pensioner Doris Kettle. Draped in rain gear and cackling manically as she careers around the store while high on Sanatogen, some shoppers are so desperate they’re even taking their chances in Lidl.
Store manager Paul Watts hopes to restore some civility to his store, and the speed bumps are just one part of a strategy to get Doris to ‘Slow the Hell Down’.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Health, Transport
Depressed: Pertinax has been unable to face the world since it happened
Local dog, Pertinax, is threatening to sue the BBC for defamation of character after being slurred on Newsnight.
“I was enjoying watching Jeremy Paxman’s last show,” Pertinax told us from the house he allows the Thorvald family to share with him having chosen them to take him away from a Dunstable cats and dogs home two years ago. “And it was all right, bit smug maybe but it was okay and then Paxman said it.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics
“So one ball starts in the middle but then what happens to the quaffle and the bludgers?”
Despite the almost world wide interest and obsession with the World Cup, a Harold man today admitted he has neither any interest in it, nor the first clue what is actually going on.
In a move almost guaranteed to see him mocked, derided and shunned by 95% of the male population, villager Darryl Alesworth admitted in a pub conversation that he has to ask his wife to explain what is going on on the big grass patch on the tv. Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, Sport
It’s no use looking up there, Tone. God’s not the slightest bit impressed.
There is fear and confusion on the streets of Harold this morning following the publication of an essay on Iraq by Tony Blair. In it the former PM states that “We have to liberate ourselves from the notion that ‘we’ have caused this.” Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, News
Dear God please keep those shorts on
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics, Sex
Unusually for a super computer, AD-1 runs on biscuits and crisps.
A 13 year-old from Harold has passed the Turing Test, convincing a number of his ‘friends’ that he’s really a computer.
Adrian Evans, or AD-1 has he prefers to be known, has worked tirelessly to adopt traits that only a computer would exhibit.
“BZZT”, said Evans. “IT IS THE LITTLE THINGS THAT…BZZT…CAN GIVE YOU AWAY”. Before adding, “THIS WOMAN’S SKIN LOOKS 10 YEARS YOUNGER, DOCTORS HATE HER.”
Evans’ attention to detail is truly astounding. He refuses to speak to anyone in areas that don’t have a wifi signal, and always leaves a small printed circuit board in the bowl after using the toilet.
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Filed under Around Harold, science, Technology
Ginger parent attempted to merge in with normal people, using hair clippers.
A couple in Harold has been arrested by police for allowing their child to become enormously ginger.
Aged just 11 the child is already pantone 152, a number at odds with national guidelines.
“Teachers first alerted us to the child when he was placed in a brightly-lit classroom, and the sun reflecting off his hair somehow stained all the chalk an offensive orange colour”, said PC Flegg.
“When an officer went round to warn his parents, they were confronted by a 38 year-old male who was wantonly ginger.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Law and Order
Lest we remember: veteran hopes EU will stand up to oppression of the vulnerable
A veteran who escaped a care home to find liberation in France has vowed not to rest until he reaches Berlin.
Reginald Evans, 91, tunnelled out of the care home and dodged guard towers around the perimeter.
Using false papers that showed he was a 27 year-old brunette from Harold, Evans won a job as a ferry captain and made his way to the continent.
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Filed under Around Harold, Transport, War
In what is already being hailed one of the greatest ever relationship feats, Harold postman Brian Green correctly interpreted his wife’s silence and provided the appropriate emotional response.
The extraordinary feat was achieved on a day when both spouses had busy days at work and Rachel Green cooked steak and chips for dinner. Mrs Green’s mind must have been elsewhere as the steak was overdone and the chips were a little soggy, a departure from her usually high standards that Mr Green wisely didn’t pass comment on.
Very unusually Mrs Green remained completely silent throughout dinner (she usually comments on the accelerating decline of television) and she gave off no ‘looks’ and uttered no ‘sighs’ – for all intents and purposes there were no ‘cues’ whatsoever.
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Filed under Around Harold, Sex
Mostly grey and a bit scruffy? Then four-ply is more likely than foreplay
Yet another problem for Harold WI it seems, following last year’s celebrated mix-up over ‘dog walking’ and ‘dogging’.
“We’d rather hoped those admin problems were behind us,” said WI Chairwoman Jane Fondant “although we did have a welcome surge in membership after ‘The Great 2013 Cock Up.”
Sadly there was fresh disappointment on Monday evening. Locals and visiting members from as far away as Leighton Buzzard gathered in a packed Village Hall, to hear Daphne Rogers’ illustrated lecture on Imaginative ideas for Foreplay.
“Daphne rummaged in her bag then, instead of lavender massage oil and chocolate sauce, hauled out two skeins of wool and a set of knitting needles.” says Fondant “It soon became only too clear she was determined to teach us all about four-ply knitting.”
After last year’s confusion Harold WI had been forced to remind villagers that husbands are allowed only at Invitation Events. “If there was any encouragement to take from Monday evening, it’s that no men turned up, so they’d clearly listened. Or more interested in dogging than foreplay ? No, that’s not very likely”.
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Filed under Around Harold, Sex
99 calls about trivial murders could prevent action on ice cream emergencies
The family of a woman killed by a substandard ice cream has slammed police for the way they handled her case.
Wendy Barker called for help when she noticed her dairy adornments were dangerously lop-sided, but wasn’t taken seriously by official call handlers. Campaigners are calling for coppers to treat mistreated treats more professionally, or risk ‘getting monkey blood on their hands’.
“This poor woman experienced a very real and traumatising sprinkle crisis, only to be told by police to phone back if she’d been murdered”, claimed close friend Pippa Delaney. “There needs to be a separate number for these ice-cream based emergencies. Perhaps they could call it the Cones Hotline?”
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Filed under Around Harold, Food, Law and Order
A 20 year-long study by Dunstable Psychology Professor Sue Rodgers has concluded that all men are in fact bastards. The study has attracted criticism due to the unusually small sample size (one) but Professor Rodgers argues that the findings are still ‘robust’.
“Just studying one man meant I could really dig deep and find what men are truly about, which is that they are bastards” explained Rodgers. “Tell me any other study that has gone to the extent of studying all the texts on a man’s phone and spread sheeting the 8,432 messages to and from that MANKY WHORE.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Education
Might pies give off a gas which makes you fat?
Researchers studying a large group of women for 40 years say data collected shows the risk of obesity increases with over-exposure to any light-at-night, such as the problematic ‘light in the fridge’. Continue reading
‘I had to tidy it at all costs’ claims buyer
Mattress ‘should be turnered over weekly’
‘My Bed’, a stinking pit vacated by Tracey Emin, has been sold to someone who can finally give it a good home.
Harold resident Elsie Duggan remortgaged her and several of her friends’ houses to finance the deal. She told us that she ‘couldn’t wait to sort (the installation) out’, and that it would be ‘nice to have somewhere for (her son) to stay over.’
‘I may not know much about art, but I know what I like’, said Mrs Duggan. ‘And that’s hospital corners, an ironed divan sheet and the pillow case openings facing away from the door.’
Mrs Duggan first saw Emin’s work in 1999, and has had a strong urge to tackle it with a bottle of Fabreze and a bin bag ever since.
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Filed under Around Harold, Art
What’s for dinner?
A new breed of genetically modified chickens has been hailed a success by its developer, Harold farmer Lionel Garage.
“The new chicken type is featherless from birth,” Mr Garage told the Evening Harold, “pre-basted and also comes with the all-important leg elastic as a built-in feature.”
Farmer Garage claims the new design will result in increased profitability for chicken producers, saving them much of the cost of traditional posthumous poultry processing.
“Standard-type chickens require labour-intensive after-death attention,” he said, “and I’m frankly sick off forking out so much plucking cash. And you wouldn’t believe how long it takes to get that elastic band round its back legs.”
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Filed under Around Harold, DNA, Economy, environment, Farming, Food, Health, Nature, Pets, spam
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