Category Archives: Around Harold

5 tell-tale signs that you’re a child of the 70s!

1970s

The 1970s – just one of the decades in which people were born.

Are you a child of the 1970s? Did you grow up in one of the UK’s favourite decades? Bathe in nostalgia as our top five list takes you back down memory lane!

1 – Milk. Ah! Milk! Can you remember milk? This off-white fluid was drained from cows by the bucketload, and snapped up by shoppers in exchange for money. Perhaps you drank it, or wore vials of it as a status symbol. It proved so popular, some still buy it today!

2 – Television. It had been around for a while, but tvs were still available in the 70s. Right through from January 1970, to the very end of 1979. Like today, it bought household names right into our living rooms: household names we would later realise were notorious paedophiles.

3 – Shoes. You weren’t anyone in the 70s without a set of shoes to speak of. Perhaps you had more than one, or as many as six? Worn on the feet, they made walking a real possibility. Tell that to kids these days and they just won’t believe you.

4 – Thursdays. A week in the 70s wasn’t a proper week unless there was a Thursday in it! Along with Tuesdays and Wednesdays, Thursdays survive to this day, despite campaigners at the time calling for a three-day week. Not to be confused with Flimsday, which was discontinued in 1978.

5 – School. Like a big house nearby where you went to learn things, many children in the 1970s whiled away their days in a ‘school’. There were no teachers back then of course: just a cobweb-filled basement. And an elderly man in his underpants who would poke you with Kitkats.

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Filed under Around Harold, Nostalgia

Local man shows environmental credentials by having sex in Smart car

There's room for your legs out the window dear

There’s room for your legs out the window dear

A Dunstable man’s strategy of showing his ‘green’ credentials by having sex in his electric Smart car has been so spectacularly successful that it has sparked a craze that is sweeping the UK.

Dunstable Council officer Andrew Chillace was overwhelmed by the reaction to his environmentally aware attempts to get his leg over.

“I’d been single for a few years – it isn’t easy when you are touching 50, have an appreciable paunch, and work in a dead-end job. Most of my female contemporaries were greenies so I tried sharing pictures of dolphins caught in plastic bags on Facebook. That got me a few likes, but for some reason it didn’t translate to any action.”

Mr Chillace explained that he then hit on the idea of buying a bright green electric Smart car.
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Filed under Around Harold, environment, Motoring

Estate agents criticised for describing demon’s anus as ‘deceptive cottage’

cave

Property boasts ample parking and a regular outpouring of foul doings.

An estate agents in Harold has been widely criticised by consumer groups for advertising a demon’s anus as a ‘family home’.

Muggins and Traptear, Harold’s second least-hated  property sales firm, described the foul outlet of a devil’s spawn as ‘deceptively roomy’. George Evans immediately asked for a viewing.

“I could barely afford the mortgage but I thought I’d seen through their ruse”, he explained. “The word ‘deceptive’ added a frisson of excitement. ‘Is that something successful people look for in a home?’  ‘Should I get in first?’ I was left wondering all the way home. But what I should have asked myself was ‘what is it really?'”
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy

Failed Bake Off contestant thrown out of village

cake

Evans was presented with a black forest get out cake.

A contestant who was eliminated from the first round of the Great British Bake Off has been barred from returning to the village.

Many in Harold had initially been excited to spot Harriet Evans on the hit BBC show, but the joy swiftly turned to disgust when it was revealed her Swiss Roll was ‘a bit dry’.

“What the f**k was she thinking?” asked cllr Ron Ronsson. “Just 8 fluid ounces of milk with that much flour was never going to put Harold on the map. She left us with no choice but to burn down her cottage.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Entertainment, Food

White feathers handed to villagers who left lights on after 10

fevver

News of the incident could only morally be watched later on iPlayer.

An angry mob is forcing white feathers into the hands and letterboxes of homeowners who failed to correctly mark the beginning of WWI.

As social media networks led a call to switch household lights off at 10pm last night, Harold villager Pippa Delaney recognised a perfect chance to express fake indignation about those that didn’t bother.

“As far as hollow gestures go, flicking a switch to commemorate 37 million casualties of a war was one of the emptiest”, said Pippa Delaney. “Which is why I knew some wouldn’t bother. I’d grabbed a small duck and was hoiking the feathers out before I’d even whipped up a misplaced sense of moral outrage.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Social media, War

Yoghurt ‘not a dessert’ rules magistrate

yoghurt

Hostage called for clearer labelling on yoghurts.

Children in Harold can no longer be fobbed off with yoghurt after a meal, following a ruling by magistrate Danielle Hostage.

Local child Chloe Ackroyd (11) took her case to court, after being denied a Jaffa Cake on several occasions. Parents Jeremy and Michelle Ackroyd admitted trying to pass off something healthy as a treat, and asked for a banana and a box of raisins to be taken into account.

“There is a natural order to din-dins, whether it be a packed lunch or picnic”, ruled Hostage. “And it shall not be deemed to have ended satisfactorily until there is mini-rolls, ice cream or biscuits.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Food, Health

Tributes pour in for Harold’s ‘shark whisperer’

shark whisperer

Ben doing what he (very, very briefly) loved.

People across the spectrum of animal training have acknowledged the tragic demise of Harold’s first ‘shark whisperer’.

Benjamin Evans always insisted that sharks were misunderstood, despite being giant, stupid fish full of razor-sharp teeth. Eschewing the shark cage in favour of speaking quite softly, Evans’ technique was radically different from the accepted norm.

Evans developed his technique after winning a goldfish in an online game of poker. As soon as it arrived, the expert felt drawn to the animal, and instinctively knew that it definitely spoke English.
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Filed under Around Harold, Nature

Architect redesigns humans to complement new office

office

Another office ruined by an unaesthetic member of staff.

An architect behind an expansive, minimalist office has revealed plans to make the people inside complement the aesthetic.

Xorex Global Inc. commissioned Harold architect Joseph Blythe to design their new head offices, only to discover their staff made the place ‘look a bit shit’.

“It’s rather churlish of them really”, said Blythe . “I’ve studied ‘Nihon kenchiku’ for 15 years and have a wonderful grasp of space and light. But I shouldn’t be expected to accomodate the sort of lumpen worker who buys suits from Tesco, and thinks comedy socks somehow ‘brighten the place up’.”

Blythe revealed the new human will be allowed to vary slightly in size. “Each managerial level will be occupied by adults 2.3% larger than the one below, to subtly reflect their status”, he explained.

“But throughout the concept, each will maintain a pleasing BMI of 18.7, which best reflects the trapezoidal pillars in the central atrium.”
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by | August 1, 2014 · 11:00 am

Grab a copy of the i-Spy Bites and Stings of Scotland!

bites wideThinking of hitting the Highlands this summer?

Keep the kids entertained on those long, boring holidays with a copy of the i-Spy Bites and Stings of Scotland!

Educational and cheap, it’s the ideal sop to offspring who would rather be at home playing computer games.

Here’s a few to look out for, can you find them on your legs?

biteMosquito:  Long-legged, flying blood-suckers and transmitters of Malaria, mosquitoes are the plague of many a woodland stroll.

Bites can cause a mild irritation, but in some people, they can  lead to rage and obsessively turning the bed-side lights on and off, in a desperate attempt to identify the source of the buzzing.

All mosquitoes are of English origin. Best killed with at least three cans of fly spray, a shoe and a stapler to be sure.

biteMidges: (pronounced: ‘Mid-gees’) Tiny little biting insects who target visitors to the Scottish Highlands and locals alike, these indiscriminate little swines leave bites so big they could have come from a Pterodactyl.

Midges are Scottish, but Entomologists believe they first moved north with King Edward Longshanks.

Best killed by burning all your belongings and heading for home on the train.

biteVampire Bats: Not indigenous to Scotland, but these little mammalian suckers are not as evil as Hollywood has portrayed.  They’re actually quite cute, if you can ignore the razor sharp incisors and the inevitable mob weilding pitchforks and torches.

All vampire bats are of English origin, and are thought to have moved into Scotland around about the time that oil was found in the North Sea.

Best killed by angry villagers or a floppy haired tosser who can’t act.

biteAnts: While ants in Scotland are fairly benign, falling head first into an ant hill is not advised.  Ants can nip a bit, and are capable of working together to march off with your picnic.

Scottish ants are not the traditional black colour, but instead pale blue and orange, to conceal them on Irn Bru cans.

Best killed with boiling water, although you could try packing an aardvark.

biteLuis Suarez:  A bite from a Luis Suarez is so far unconfirmed north of the border, but reports of attacks in several continents have led experts to suggest that it is only a matter of time.  Bites can result in penalties, free kicks and septicemia.

It is believed that a free-roaming Suarez was spotted in England in the early part of the year.

Best treated by immediately selling it abroad.

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Filed under Around Harold, Nature

Pippa Middleton royal-estates the bleeding obvious

pippa middleton

Next week: how to use your mouth to do a smile.

In a new regular column, Pippa Middleton passes on invaluable etiquette tips dealing with your day-to-day, worthless lives.

“Hullo!

“I’m Pippa Middleton, sister of Kate Middleton, but it doesn’t do to mention that too often in conversation. It can look like you’re showing off, which of course isn’t acceptable in posh circles. And I should know, because I don’t half move in some!

“Some people I once knew but am now well above socially sometimes ask me ‘how do you do it?’ Well, some are born nearly royal, some achieve near-royalness, and some have near royalness thrust upon them.

“And some are a combination of all three. That’s a pretty special circumstance, and one which puts me in a unique position for sharing tips with you, so you can pretend to be nearly as near-royal as what one is. Today’s advice is about ‘breakfast’. Read on!
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Filed under Around Harold, Royals

Lovely weather uncovers Britain’s miserable gits

moaningminny

‘I suppose this means I’ll have to have a bloody choc ice.’

Miserable sods across the country have been left ‘dangerously exposed’ by a recent bout of half-decent weather.

Most Britons tend to agree that there are several things to moan about, and few notice that it’s the same group of dour pessimists at the forefront of that moaning.

“That printer that always runs out of paper. The food van that only has gaps left where the sandwiches used to be by the time it gets to you. The way your children pretend to be out, rather than let you in to ruin their evening”, said PC Anita Flegg.

“These are all things we tolerate people whinging away at, we just sagely nod along. But complaining about the sunshine? I think these buggers have crossed the line.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Weather

Ant engineers finally master secret of flight

flying ant

New ant design has experienced a few set-backs.

A team of ants working from a sandpit in Harold claim to have mastered the ability to fly.

Standing next to a prototype stuck to a cough sweet, chief engineer Brian Pharoah unveiled the new ‘flying ant’, before denying that the design may have been used before.

“Of course there are stories about our ancestors soaring into the clouds, and doing battle with those upstart b**tard wasps”, said Pharoah.

“My dad used to say my great, great, great, great grandmother embracing a sort of rudimentary ability to flap, but it’s clearly untrue”, he insisted. “According to my calculations that would make the world over 364 days old.”

Some have even suggested their current queen ‘fell from the sky’, a theory Pharoah dismisses as heresy.
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Filed under Around Harold, Nature, science

Rampaging Prince George destroys Hitchin

hitchinflattened

George inflicted almost as much damage as a 1960s architect.

A rampant future king of England has destroyed 85% of Hitchin, after the town was given to him as a birthday present.

No sooner had George, 12 months, been given the freedom of the city, than he began his destructive first steps through the shopping centre.

“Obviously we’re delighted that the royals took the time to visit”, said Hitchin’s half-crushed mayor, Derek Hopper. “But they could have warned us that their first-born had been gaining weight and height quite so…healthily.”

“Part of me wishes they’d blessed Luton with their presence instead.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Royals

Coastguard launches ‘Fatties on the Beach’ warning flag

BeachFlag

Beaches displaying the new flag may be heavily pot-marked.

Britain’s coastguard has introduced a new warning flag, to alert holiday-makers to the risk of beach fatties.

Resplendent in two colours of sunburn and a symbol representing an ‘inny’ belly button, the flag draws attention to the chance of big bathers.

“There are many dangers along our coast, and we’ve got a number of flags to highlight them”, said warden Helen Evans. “But until now, there’s been nothing to prepare you for the vision of a fat lad wearing Speedos on a li-lo.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Health

Pub bans the word ‘So’ from beginning of sentences

so jar

Sewing club has moved to a new venue.

A pub in Harold has banned customers from starting their sentences with the word ‘so’, in a crack-down on pseudo-scientific intellectualism.

On the bar of the Squirrel Lickers Arms a ‘So’ box now stands, replacing the well-rattled swears jar. And it’s already beginning to fill up, according to Eddie the landlord. He explained how he got the idea.

“So I noti…b****cks”, said Eddie, flipping a coin into the container. “I noticed a lot of people in here think they can sound all knowledgeable and reasonable, just by adding the offending word to the beginning of any old shite”, he explained.

“So I took the…oh for f***s sake…(*chink*)…I took the initiative and decided to fine people for their cod GCSE chemistry report cock-whiskery. I won’t have people in here turning the air litmus blue.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, science

Giant hole near Harold mysteriously disappears

hole

Hole now shows up on Google Maps.

A massive crater in the countryside on the outskirts of Harold has mysteriously disappeared overnight.

‘Old Gapey’, a colossal cavern that has swallowed nearly 2% of villagers’ pets, went without a trace during the small hours of the morning.

“I were out walking my dog, an old one what we don’t want any more, and I couldn’t believe my eyes at what wasn’t there right before me”, explained Jeth Evans, who first discovered the hole was missing.

“My wife was horrified when I returned what with Tyson still being there faithfully by my side and all. Not even a limp lead or nothing, it was eerie.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Nature

Swan shortage blamed on swan porn

swan

Anyone fancy a duck?

A sharp decline in the number of cygnets born in Harold has been blamed on the pornification of swans.

With hardcore swan-on-swan action now widespread on the internet, many younger cobs are no longer satisfied with straight reproductive sex.

Wildlife expert Winston Harris made this claim as his computer was seized by police, a computer he insists is full of research for a book.

“Adolescent boy swans just see young pens as sex objects, something to hiss at for their own gratification”, said Harris. “And it’s not surprising, given that massive waterfowl are as sexy as hell. You should see the one in 50 Shades of Greylag.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Nature, Sex

Stephen Hawking vouches for mathematical accuracy of local 3-bean salad

'To me, beans means Heinz Wolff' - Stephen Hawking

‘To me, beans means Heinz Wolff’ – Stephen Hawking

Trading Standards were left red-faced today after a case they brought against a local eatery was thrown out by a magistrate.

The case was brought against Pippa Delaney, owner of Harold vegetarian restaurant Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!, under the Foods Description Act.

However, the magistrate said there was no case to answer after a top mathematician vouched for the accuracy of the restaurant’s labelling.

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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Food, Law and Order

Sofa sales pitch enters third day

DFS

Couple said to be comfortable, but fearful for their bank details.

A couple from Harold are still being held in a furniture warehouse, after negotiations for free scatter cushions collapsed.

Beryl and Joseph Blythe were taken by a sales representative, after mistaking the Dunstable branch of DFS for a safe Habitat.

“As soon as we saw the ‘sale’ signs, I knew we were in trouble”, said Joseph Blythe, through a line set up by police. “We should have run, but Beryl had been lulled into a false state of chaise longueing.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business

Cyclist arrested after dramatic high-speed chase

cyclesting

Reckless maniac didn’t even have a bell.

PC Anita Flegg has been hailed a hero in Harold today following the dramatic arrest of a crazy cyclist who could have caused mayhem on the roads around Harold.

The speeding cyclist was spotted by eagle-eyed PC Flegg during a routine check of local cycle paths.

“He was travelling at an astonishing speed along the main road,” said PC Flegg, “and drinking from a bottle which he threw at me as he passed.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Sport