Author Archives: yikes28

Guardian journalists debate ‘where did Labour go wrong?’ over bottles of Krug NV Grand Cuveé

dancona champers

D’Ancona proposed a ‘bottoms up’ redistribution.

As the shock of Labour’s election rout slowly wears off, Guardian journalists are debating where it all went wrong over bottles of Champagne and sliced Parmigiano-Reggiano.

“I think Ed failed to connect with the worker people who do things with their hands, shop people, and the like” said Matthew d’Ancona after his third glass.

“He should have done more photo-ops with those Northern men who wear funny hats with a torch on them and go underground to get stuff. Then the worker hand-stuff people would have warmed to Ed and trusted him to spend their money wisely.”
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Miliband, Farage, Clegg, and Balls form Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young tribute act

Ed MilibandAfter what they say is a ringing endorsement from the British public, Ed Miliband, Nigel Farage, Nick Clegg, and Ed Balls have formed a Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young tribute act.

“The people have spoken, and what they said was rather than govern the country, we want you to keep the flame of folk music alive in small intimate venues and the occasional low-key festival” said Ed Miliband. “It is quite an honour – I can’t wait till our first gig in what they call a ‘public house’ in Harold.”
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Filed under Election 2015, Election 2015, Politics

Royal baby delay due to Kate forgetting birth is her job, not the nanny’s

Kate babyAn apologetic Kate promised she will hurry up and give birth now she remembers this bit was her job and not the nanny’s.

“It’s a little embarrassing, I thought nanny Maria was just slacking off as she constantly played that strange game with George where she keeps putting some sort of cloth on his bottom only to take it off a few hours later” explained Kate.
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Cameron promises wife ‘smaller dishes pile and less net dust’

"Coming soon - these birds won't antagonise themselves""

“Coming soon – these birds won’t antagonise themselves””

In a bid to get wife Sam to stick with him for another term, David Cameron promised he will attack the dishes pile and really get on top of the dust despite not making much progress on either of these chores over the last 5 years.

“Gordon left a huge mountain of dishes when he left number 10 and I’ve done really well to stop the pile getting too much bigger” explained the PM.

“And the percentage of dirty to clean dishes has actually decreased over my watch, due to a clever quantitative easing approach I call ‘buying new dishes’.”
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Filed under Election 2015, Election 2015, Politics

Girl unfamiliar with Disney’s ‘Frozen’ taken into care

ElsaIn a shocking case of neglect, a young girl who had not heard of the movie ‘Frozen’ was taken into care by Dunstable Social Services.

Concern was first aroused when Ella Evans, 8, entered the St Marys school talent quest and sang a song that wasn’t ‘Let it go’. Then, during a cold snap, Ella expressed indifference after an invitation to build a snowman. The final straw came during school dress-up day when Ella wore a blue dress but insisted she was Marie Curie.
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Filed under Culture, Entertainment, Movies

Sturgeon to breastfeed Miliband

Nicola-SturgeonNicola Sturgeon says the SNP will be a positive influence in a Coalition government with Labour, and she will breastfeed and toilet Ed Miliband until he is old enough to start taking care of himself.

“The Tories can scare-monger all they like but what could be more natural than Ed suckling from my left nipple while we form policy? It is certainly better than some tired old formula” said a glowing Sturgeon.
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Filed under Election 2015, Election 2015, Politics

Gove says Tories won’t get into bed with Farage, but will consider kinky threesome in Commons toilet

Farage enjoying a pre-coital cigarette

Farage enjoying a pre-coital cigarette

Senior Tory and Chief Whip Michael Gove ruled out getting into bed with UKIP’s Nigel Farage after the election, but said a three-way bondage romp with himself, Farage, and Theresa May in the Commons toilet was still on the table. Nick Clegg might also be allowed to watch.

“Our MPs are renowned for cavorting with call girls, each other’s spouses, bondage mistresses, barely legal school children, and sundry animals in all sorts of locations. Our image would be ruined if we merely got into a plain old bed with Mr Farage. The Conservative Party has very high double standards to maintain” said Mr Gove.
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Filed under Election 2015, Election 2015, Politics

Video camera shoots armed US police officer

"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids with your video camera"

“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids with your video camera”

A video camera has snuck up behind a US police officer and filmed him while he was minding his own business pumping eight bullets into a fleeing black man.

The incident has caused shock among racist US officers, with some vowing they will give up shooting unarmed black men in protest.

“You just don’t feel safe anymore” said Officer X. “You turn around for just a few seconds to shoot a suspected black man only for some scumbag video camera to shoot you in the back.”
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Filed under Civil rights, Crime, Law and Order, USA

Shopper who saved over £1,000,000 at clothing and shoe sales bemused by bankruptcy

Dress saleA local stylist is distraught she has been made bankrupt despite holding clothing and shoe receipts showing she has saved over £1,000,000 in 5 short years.

“I just don’t understand” said 25 year old Sheree Evans. “We are told to save and I’ve spent many hours each week doing just that, buying clothing and shoes that were as much as 95% off. I’ve sought out last season’s fashions, as that’s where you make the biggest savings, even though obviously I wasn’t going to wear the stuff.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Fashion

Harrison Ford narrowly avoids round of golf

Harrison FordA relieved Harrison Ford is thanking his lucky stars that a plane crash on a golf course left him too injured to play.

“Oh God, that was a close one … I could have been seriously bored out there. You take life for granted and then suddenly you are seconds away from playing golf. You wouldn’t believe the relief I felt when my femur snapped” said Ford.
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Filed under Entertainment

Comedy change scientists say winter ‘global warming’ jokes at historical high

'And they call this global warming'

‘And they call this global warming’

Researchers at the Harold Institute of Comedy Studies have released a study showing that jokes about global warming during bouts of freezing cold and wet weather have reached dangerous levels.

Professor Al Jones, who specialises in comedy change, set up instruments throughout the UK to detect winter global warming jokes, and the results show clear evidence of a man-made comedy catastrophe.
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Filed under Around Harold, environment

50 Shades of Black and Blue – suspicion grows that England cricket team like being beaten

Which end is which?

Which end is which?

After experimenting with a light spanking at the hands of Australia, the England cricket team took their bondage fetish to the next level by getting beaten black and blue by New Zealand.

The kinky exhibitionist romp took place in Wellington Stadium in front of a crowd of 30,000 curious fans. The English batsmen dressed up in padded, helmeted gimp suits and were led out to the pitch in pairs to receive their thrashing. While they didn’t appear to be blindfolded, it was perfectly obvious they couldn’t see a f**king thing.
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Dog couldn’t be bothered visiting hospitalised owner

Not a good boy

Not a good boy

Local dog Ben may be stripped of his ‘man’s best friend’ status after it emerged that he didn’t visit his owner once during a month-long hospital stay.

Councillor Ron Ronnson was at Dunstable Infirmary for longer than expected due to complications following a routine hip operation, and Ben’s absence was particularly glaring as Ronnson had multiple visits from wife Julie, his teenage children, and cat Tiggy. Ronnson’s children even waited for over 30 minutes each visit before asking for money.
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Filed under Around Harold, Pets

‘Prince Philip not nearly racist enough for knighthood’, complain Australians

"Is that a spear in your pocket, or are you pleased to see me"

“Is that a spear in your pocket, or are you pleased to see me”

Prime Minister Tony Abbott’s announcement that Prince Philip is to receive an Australian knighthood was greeted with amazement by ordinary Australians, who complained there are plenty of more deserving home-grown racists.

“His affable, good-natured brand of racism is all talk and no action”, said Shane from Brisbane. “As far as I know Philip’s never even lightly toasted an Aborigine, let alone grilled one on the barbie.”
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Filed under International News, Royals

‘There is a right to cause offence’, says Dish-Face Dave

Fat Dave utilising his right to cause offence

Fat Dave utilising his right to cause offence

‘There is a right to cause offence in a free society’, said Britain’s muttering idiot David Cameron. Fat Dave made his comments in an interview on US television, while relying on cue cards to make sure he got his words in the right order.

Dish-Face Dave was probably talking about comments the Pope had made about punching people in the nose who make fun of religion, but you never know with the dopey twat. He might have said ‘there is a right to cause offence’ to excuse his corpulent flatulence.
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Filed under News, Politics

Human Rights Act should give precedence to right to have your head attached to rest of your body

Caution: may contain traces of rant

Caution: may contain traces of rant

The Evening Harold has a long history of tolerance and inclusivity. 200 years ago we made a stand against slavery by giving our office slaves their freedom and replacing them with mandrills. More recently, we reported on how the whole village had adopted the Niqab and declared it to be lovely. We looked at whether moderate cat ladies should condemn extremist cat ladies, and we made fun of Britain First because, as far as we can see, that is the point of Britain First.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold, Law and Order

Man’s sex life soars after advertising his sperm as paleo and gluten-free

gluten-free spermAn unemployed Harold man says his sex life improved dramatically after he started advertising his sperm as paleo and gluten-free.

“It was a bit slow to start with – just the occasional blowy from women with coeliacs” said 45 year old ex-plumber Clive Pickles. “But through word of mouth, most of the village soon knew my man juice was gluten-free and, well, things sort of exploded from there.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle

US exacts cyber-revenge by installing Clippy on ISIS computers

Jihad ClippyAfter suffering an embarrassing hacking attack where ‘I love ISIS’ messages were posted to the US Central Command’s Twitter and YouTube accounts, the US exacted a terrible revenge by infecting all ISIS computers with Clippy, the Microsoft Office Assistant.

“We just hacked the US Central Command’s social media accounts as a bit of a joke” complained ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.

“You could understand if the US, in the spirit of banter, launched a few more drones our way, or water-boarded a few of the brothers in Guantanamo Bay. I’d even have said ‘fair cop’ if US jets dropped 1,000s of cartoons of the Prophet from the sky. But in the name of Allah, infecting all our computers with an unremovable version of Clippy is just … unnecessary.”
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Filed under International News, Law and Order

Moderate cat ladies urged to condemn extremist cat ladies

Cat ladyAfter days of terror where gangs of cats peed in neighbour’s gardens and bailed up dogs while the cats owners chanted ‘cats are great!’, moderate cat ladies have been urged to condemn extremist cat ladies.

The attacks seemed to be in retaliation to an unflattering depiction of a cat in the latest issue of the Harold Kennel Club’s monthly magazine, but most villagers say a poorly drawn cat by a dog owner can never be an excuse for a feline rampage.
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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Law and Order

Intelligence of internet questioned as Mexican bus driver Jesus Charlie gains 100,000 Twitter followers

Business booming for Jesus Charlie

Business booming for Jesus Charlie

The intelligence of the internet may be less than previously thought after Tijuana tour bus driver Jesus Charlie gained over 100,000 Twitter followers and a similar number of Facebook likes in the wake of the Paris terror attacks.

A loose coalition of dyslexics, failed French students, owners of phones with sticky ‘i’ keys, and Americans attempting to join the ‘Je suis Charlie’ campaign is thought to be behind the surge in Jesus Charlie’s Twitter and Facebook followers, though Mr Charlie says that isn’t the sole reason.
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Filed under breaking news, International News