Author Archives: waylandsmithy

by | June 15, 2015 · 7:00 am

Comet lander wakes up screaming after 7-month nightmare

philae

Philae comforts itself pretending its a dishwasher in Surrey.

Philae, a probe that lays abandoned on a comet, has woken up drenched in sweat and feeling clammy.

After screaming itself to sleep just over 7 months ago, the lander awoke to find that it wasn’t all just a dream.

“Now that the batteries are charged, Philae can talk to us again”, said Hans Beckendorf of the European Space Agency. “And the first thing it said was ‘Fking fk fk, where the fking f**k am I?’.”

“It turns out that in space, someone can hear you scream.”
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by | June 10, 2015 · 11:10 am

Luxor hotel, Vegas to feature ‘fun’ suicide bombers

Luxor

‘Like being abroad, but more real.’

Las Vegas is planning to make the Luxor casino resort ‘even more Egypty’, by dressing some staff as terrorists.

Renowned for its eye for historic detail, the Pyramid-inspired hotel will soon ring to the sound of small ‘entertainment explosions’.

“We know that Americans are fascinated by Egypt, just enough to drive to the desert and gawp at a fibre-glass sphinx”, said manager Chuck Kowalski.

“But a few have complained that it isn’t authentic, and that there aren’t enough terrorists for them to have a pop at.”

Kowalski blames the internet for leaking news of the ‘real Egypt’ into the conscious of America, but sees desperate suicide bombers as an opportunity, rather than a threat.

“All our staff are paid equity and we provide them with medical insurance, as well as some pretty good bullet-proof vests.”

“Why not empty a clip into the chest of a young man dressed as a terrorist?”, asked Kowalski, “and then brag about it afterwards, over a talibanana daiquiri in the Muslim Brotherhood bar?”
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by | June 9, 2015 · 9:21 am

Springwatch crippled blackbird ‘to improve show’s diversity’

blackbird

Hobbly the Blackbird has already spawned his own merchandise.

An intern on popular wildlife show ‘Springwatch’ has revealed how she was forced to maim a songbird to meet BBC diversity targets.

Hayley Swank was ordered to ‘blunt its beak, or pull a wing off or something’ by an Inclusiveness Director on the programme.

“I asked if I could just give one of its legs a chinese burn”, said Swank. “But they told me I was being racist.”

Instead, Swank pulled a couple of feathers out and fed it a heavy pie, so that on camera at least, it appeared just disabled enough to not offend the audience.
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by | June 7, 2015 · 11:00 am

Ferris Bueller spotted emptying local dog poo bins

bueller

“Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you’d have a diamond.”

Notorious skiver Ferris Bueller has spoken of his truancy regrets, now that he’s trapped in a dead-end job in Harold.

Despite a privileged upbringing and an above-average IQ, Bueller preferred to spend his schooldays ruining Italian cars and singing Liverpudlian songs in the traffic.

When his parents moved to England, Bueller’s ‘illness’ was cured by the NHS, but he continued to fake his way through the education system.
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by | June 6, 2015 · 7:00 am

Harold’s oldest pig accidentally served at own birthday

pig

Boris was well received.

A Wessex Saddleback pig from Harold was better received than expected at his ‘Oldest Pig’ ceremony, after a catering mix-up caused him to feature in his own vol-au-vents.

‘Boris’, a 37 year-old hog with gout and high cholesterol, was celebrated in the Harold village hall last Tuesday.

Despite health and safety preventing his appearance in person, it now seems most of him did show up. Only his tail and lips are yet to be accounted for.

Many of those present didn’t realise quite how much they appreciated Boris, until a communal pork pie repeated on them late on Thursday.
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by | June 4, 2015 · 7:00 am

Dwile Flonking Executive to make doping compulsory

dwile

Definitely on something.

Officials at the Harold World Dwile Flonking Association have voted unanimously for drugs.

In a competitive sports environment dominated by corruption and cheating, Dwile Flonking has struggled for media attention compared with other daft sports, such as running.

But while some expressed concerns for the safety of competitors, the committee came to the conclusion that pharmaceuticals would make dwile flonking ‘funnier’.

“Whether it’s hayfever tablets or hippy crack, you’d better be on something”, said Head of Flonking, Phil Evans. “The doctor will shine a special torch in your face and if he’s not convinced, we’ll give you something from this bag.”
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by | June 2, 2015 · 10:35 pm

Sky and BT battle for rights to Blatter trial

blatter 3

Blatter auditions for ‘Call My Bluff’.

Sky and BT are locked in a fierce battle for the the rights to televise Sepp Blatter’s trial.

Sky are promising to debut their slow-motion car crash technology, and a resolution that could see their new star locked into a 20 year contract, excluding parole.

“This is an exciting event that everyone has been looking forward to for years”, said Rupert Murdoch.

“Trust me, we have a lot of experience in how the court system works. My son James is going to head up this bid.”
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by | May 28, 2015 · 7:00 am

Send in the bears! Osborne plans to outnumber SNP with pandas

panda box

Pandas only too keen to leave Osborne’s ‘man cave’.

George Osborne has demanded that England’s emergency supply of pandas are opened, and sent to Scotland to outnumber SNP MPs.

The plan was hatched during a hastily convened COBRA meeting, following yet another quip from Nicola Sturgeon that ‘Tory MPs are outnumbered by pandas in Scotland’.

“We’ve heard that one before”, said Osborne. “In fact this is the 148th time it’s been recorded in Hansard. I’m buttocked if I’m going to let those bummers repeat it again.”
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by | May 27, 2015 · 7:00 am

Born to run: persistence hunting moves to the gym

huntersize

“I’m working my way up to an antelope.”

Are you bored with going to the gym and drudging away on equipment in front of a mirror? But are you too soft to go outside? An ultra runner from Harold thinks he may have the answer.

“Man evolved to be a ‘persistence hunter’, tirelessly chasing down antelope to the point of exhaustion “, explained Dave Evans. “We were truly ‘born to run’, not to squeeze springs with our thighs. Which is why I put a cow on a treadmill.”

Evans has created a more natural gym in his barn, where wannabe Kalahari bushmen can pursue a range of animals for days at a time.

“I’m catering for the everyday gym-goer, so you can start with a fat hamster, or one of my old donkeys if you like”, said Evans. “And gradually work your way up to a heifer. Just keep pursuing it until it reaches the point of exhaustion, and then finish it off with a stick.”
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by | May 23, 2015 · 7:00 am

Ed Balls rules out early return to politics ‘with current personality’

ed scruff

Unpopular, even in his own shaving mirror.

Ed Balls has dismissed suggestions that he might return to frontline politics, given his current persona and the way he interacts with humans.

Balls, a man with a face like a bottle bank (in that you’re inclined to shove bottles in it), revealed that he’s happy to spend ‘the next month or two’ in the storage unit his wife has paid for.

“Obviously I’m brilliant”, revealed Balls, “but not everyone ‘gets’ me. For instance, the tumble dryer I’m stored with recently caught fire. In a storage unit. With no power supply. The engineer said it was suicide, which is unusual for an appliance.”
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by | May 22, 2015 · 11:00 am

6-foot Peter Dinklage dispels ‘dwarf’ rumours

dinklage

R R Martin is sitting on a cushion.

Actor Peter Dinklage has spoken out about internet rumours that he’s actually a 4ft 5in dwarf.

Dinklage, 6ft 3, plays Tyrion Lannister in popular fantasy series ‘Game of Thrones’, and thinks that’s how the misunderstanding started.

“I suppose I should be flattered really”, said the Emmy-winning star. “Some of my fans just can’t believe it when they meet me.” That so many of his followers are convinced he’s tiny in real-life too is a testament to his incredible acting ability.
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by | · 7:00 am

Thomas Cook finally apologise: ‘we’re sorry for our loss’

euros

Lest we forget.

Thomas Cook has at last expressed remorse over the death of two children, and the devastating effect it’s had on their profits.

Despite a £3 million payout from the hotel to try and bring them some closure, the travel agent is still trying to come to terms with a 20% drop in bookings.

“It seems incredible that in this day and age, a faulty boiler can cause such appalling sorrow”, said chief executive Peter Fankhauser.

“You’d think someone in a position of responsibility would have checked it, although I now realise that wasn’t the parents’ job. Particularly as we didn’t check they were CORGI registered.”
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by | May 19, 2015 · 10:00 am

Obese ‘Hacker’ controlled plane by ‘moving round the cabin’

obese-flight-passenger-pic-kieran-daly-94182647.jpg

‘Hacker’ demonstrates how to immobilise the drinks trolley.

A 34-stone ‘hacker’ claims he gained control over an aircraft, by simply swapping seats in the cabin.

Barry Whale works as an IT consultant in a phone shop in Dunstable: his expertise is ‘hacking’ SIM cards so they can fit in an iPhone.

“It’s a job that involves moving from the front desk to the ‘customer service cabin’, so I know a fair bit about moving between seats”, said Whale.

When the tech geek got up to use the rear lavatory, he noticed that the plane noticeably pitched up.
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by | · 6:43 am

Controversy as Primary school sandpit gains blue flag status

cat

Local cat, hatching a ‘stink vole’.

A sandpit that’s as popular with local cats as it is with the school children of Harold has been awarded ‘blue flag’ status.

Beach scientists sifted through the 3 metre by 2 metre site, using their toes and EC-standard flip-flops.

With a clear pass for oil spills and only one sticky penguin found, the team praised the sand for its relative freshness.

“It’s a wonderful eco system, the top inch was relatively barren, but below that, we found some furry, brown ‘stink voles’ that were flourishing” said team leader Nate Grimshaw.
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by | May 15, 2015 · 11:00 am

Holiday home owners ‘keeping Cornish as pets’

pet cornish

‘If it was cruel, they wouldn’t let people use caravans.’

London media executives who spend their weekends in Cornwall are lamenting the decline of the fishing industry, in the pretty villages they’ve all bought holiday homes in.

But now, thanks to advances in large hutch technology, they can maintain a permanent link to the past. A few simple Cornish are being kept as pets, in spare rooms or out the back by the bins.

“They’re easy to look after, they just need some old nets to play with”, said Cornish owner Cordelia Fotheringham. “You chuck them the occasional pastie and spray them with a brine mist. Before you know it, they’re shantying away.”

The floor around the cage is littered with crusts. “They don’t eat that bit, I don’t know why”, said Fotheringham. “Mine keeps shrieking ‘the tin! the tin!’ when I poke one back in. But it didn’t come in a tin: we don’t promote convenience food.”
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by | May 14, 2015 · 7:00 am

Conspiracy theorists frustrated by bland ‘Black Spider’ letters

princecharles

The slippery bastard didn’t even ask for any paternity tests.

People who assumed Prince Charles was some kind of Machiavellian monster have been irritated by the sheer banality of his letters.

Published under the Freedom of Information Act, the previously secret letters contain nothing more than balanced, intelligent advice.

“It’s annoyed me, I just assumed we’d dig up some dirt”, said paranoia expert Nigel Lampoon. “But it’s all ‘Thanks for supporting my kid’s charity’, ‘please give our soldiers proper equipment’, and ‘I’d quite like to save the albatross’. The inconsiderate bastard.”
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by | May 13, 2015 · 11:00 am

Vegans clamour for shoes made from skin of world’s fattest man

nude shoes

Nude shoes are unusually well insulated.

Eight pairs of ‘nude’ shoes crafted from the excess skin of tubster Paul Mason are expected to break all records at a specialist vegan auction.

Suffolk-born Paul Mason was once hailed ‘the world’s fattest man’, but lost 160 kilos when his vending machine broke down. The rapid weight loss left him enveloped in loose folds of skin.

Now a leading designer has created the first vegan-friendly ‘leather’ shoes, from the excess material removed from Paul by New York surgeons.

“We managed to get two pairs of size 5s just from his left thigh”, said the creator, Brian Lichtenberg. “The leather is so soft, it’s really good quality.”

“There’s virtually no scars from where he’s scratched against barbed wire fences, although there are one or two stretch marks.”
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by | May 12, 2015 · 2:00 pm

BBC ratings soar with ‘Great British Sleep Off’

"Wake me up when Newsnight's over"

“Wake me up when Newsnight’s over”

Sleep is the latest relaxing activity to be turned into a stressful competition, thanks to a new show on BBC 1.

‘The Great British Sleep Off’ adds napping to the list of things we used to find therapeutic, such as cooking tea, doing a bit in the garden, or knitting a scarf.

“This is brilliant news”, said Harold’s Pippa Delaney. “I used to worry that my night-times were completely wasted. But now I can use that 7 or 8 hours to show off to my neighbours. Or make them cry, which is even better.”
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by | May 11, 2015 · 8:29 pm

Alan Sugar suddenly remembers he’s a capitalist

alan sugar

Sir Alan embraces his first love.

Ruthless capitalist and renowned heartless bastard Alan Sugar has just realised he shouldn’t be in the Labour party.

“I don’t really make anything these days, I just rely on my assets to generate money’, said the ex-Labour peer. “Which is why I have so much more in common with the SNP.”

Sugar is best known for surrounding himself with idiots and then firing them one-by-one: a management model much admired by UKIP.

He is one of Britain’s greenest entrepreneurs, with fewer than 5% of his products being switched on by customers, after the first twenty minutes of ownership.
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by | May 10, 2015 · 2:30 pm

“Next time I’ll leave cling film on toilet seat” says Liam Byrne

money left letter

Byrne after reading.

Liam Byrne has spoken of his remorse at the ‘sorry, there’s no money left’ note, which he left behind for Chancellor George Osborne.

In hindsight, Byrne admitted it was a crass thing to do, and vowed that in future, he would just leave clingfilm on the toilet.

“It wasn’t a very good joke, but no-one mentions the cress seeds I left in his carpet”, said Byrne. “That was a much better wheeze.”

“Or the 58 subscriptions to Readers Digest, or the 3 aircraft carriers with no aircraft to go on them”, he rued. “Classic.”
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