Author Archives: Max C-F

by Max C-F | November 1, 2014 · 8:00 am

Benedict Cumberbatch the Musical opens in London

Benedict Cumberbatch is an ordained minister

It features the heart-rendering ballad Don’t Cry for Me, Martin Freeman

Benedict Cumberbatch the Musical has its première in the West End tonight setting what many are calling the biggest tourist and hen night trap since A Midsummer Night’s Sheeran.

“I’ve done Jesus, I’ve done Eva Peron, now it’s time to do a true legend,” said composer Andrew Lloyd Webber. “Audiences are going to be swept along by the rags-to-riches story as just like Jean Valjean, Benedict grows up in Kensington, attends Harrow then both Manchester University and LAMDA. Finally with just all the contacts he’s made plus both his parents being actors he somehow manages to break into show business. Remarkable.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Showbusiness

Tagged as Andrew Lloyd Webber, benedict cumberbatch, Evening Harold, musical, Sherlock

by Max C-F | October 24, 2014 · 6:59 am

Government to execute donkey a day until we exercise: obesity crisis solved

Go for a walk or Hoofs McGee here gets it

A radical solution to the epidemic of obesity that has seen the UK increasingly resemble a badly dressed Moominland comes into force today. For every day that those declared by their doctors to be both fat and lazy refuse to exercise a government appointed executioner will shoot a donkey. Continue reading →

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Filed under Health

Tagged as donkey, Evening Harold, exercise, jeremy hunt, obesity crisis

by Max C-F | October 21, 2014 · 9:26 am

Paralysed man walks again: Iain Duncan Smith hails breakthrough in anti-scrounger technology

Iain and Iain are pleased

Iain Duncan Smith has said that he’s “overjoyed” that a man, Darek Fidyka, who was completely paralysed can walk again after an incredible scientific breakthrough as it brings Duncan Smith’s dream of eradicating scroungers significantly closer. Continue reading →

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Filed under Medicine, Politics

Tagged as Darek Fidyka, Evening Harold, Iain Duncan-Smith, paralysed man walks

by Max C-F | · 7:11 am

British music murdered: it was Mike Read at the Ukip conference with a calypso

In affectionate remembrance of British popular music which died yesterday at Ukip’s hands, 20th October, 2014. Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances. The body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Paul McCartney

Ukip has killed British popular music. By releasing as a single a calypso sung by Mike Read in a faux West Indian accent so cringe-worthy it can kill gerbils and stop time then insisting that it’s witty and not at all racist the kippers have killed a much loved but ailing art form stone dead. Continue reading →

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Filed under Politics

Tagged as Evening Harold, Mike Read, nigel farage, Ukip calypso

by Max C-F | October 17, 2014 · 7:50 am

Supermarkets under fire for ‘Morning Sickness Kate’ Halloween costume

Britain’s biggest retailers are today coming under pressure to withdraw from sale a Halloween costume that allows wearers to pretend to be the Duchess of Cambridge suffering from severe morning sickness. Continue reading →

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Tagged as duchess of cambridge, Ebola halloween costume, Evening Harold, Kate Middleton, morning sickness, pregnant

by Max C-F | October 16, 2014 · 11:00 am

Granny’s sliding out with a grin: NHS launch window exit scheme to free up beds

The NHS has rolled out a fast-track evacuation service to get patients out of bed and on their way home in a matter of seconds by fitting airplane-style slides to the windows of every hospital. Continue reading →

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Filed under Medicine, News

Tagged as bed blockers, evacuation slide, Evening Harold, jeremy hunt, NHS

by Max C-F | · 7:00 am

Bono says sorry his genius can’t be fully appreciated

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You’ve let yourselves down but worse you’ve let him down

U2 frontman Bono has filmed an apology for the gift many iTunes users found to be their most unwelcome since chlamydia when all 500 million of them were given U2’s new album.

“I’m sorry people can’t appreciate my genius and the remarkable gift I gave unto them,” he said before raising his right hand and clicking his fingers. “Every time I do this a child in Africa says ‘why is this shite in my iTunes library’ and deletes Songs of Innocence. It’s probably something to do with their ears and such. Together, we can use your money to help these kids to grow and fully grasp the wonder of me.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as apple, Bono, Evening Harold, iTunes, Songs of Innocence, U2

by Max C-F | October 15, 2014 · 7:00 am

Celebrity psychic forced to sack husband over violent threats: We have one question

“I first realized I was psychic next Monday” ― Dean Cavanagh

Sparkly idiot magnet Sally Morgan took time out from ripping off the credulous and the vulnerable to sack her husband and her son-in-law after they threatened a man handing out leaflets querying whether or not she can actually talk to the dead. Continue reading →

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Tagged as Evening Harold, fraud, Sally Morgan. psychic

by Max C-F | October 14, 2014 · 7:00 am

Joy as Kim Jong-un appears in public on an unspecified date without being photographed

We’d make a crack about what a fatty he is but as the saying goes ‘let he who is without brie cast the first wheel’

Mendacious man mountain Kim Jong-un has been seen out and about in Pyongyang according to North Korean state media.

“Our glorious leader has visited two locations very important to making our great nation stronger and better,” a statement released earlier today said. “We’re not giving specific dates and times nor is there any footage of these visits, which totally did happen, you guys, we BFFs forever pinky-swear, because reasons.”

“Kim Jong-un is well and dedicates all his time to serving his beloved people by heroically consuming more calories in a day than the rest of us have access to in a week and hanging out with Dennis Rodman.”

These words sparked carefully orchestrated scenes of spontaneous joy on the streets of Pyongyang and a state of ecstasy in the below the line comments on the Guardian website.

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Filed under International News

Tagged as Evening Harold, kim jong-un, North Korea

by Max C-F | October 11, 2014 · 10:00 am

Nurse magnet is go! NHS hospitals renting noisiest machines to the selfish

Volume-wise this one goes all the way up to eleven

The NHS has launched a new scheme aimed squarely at the selfish and the sociopathic. Hospital patients can now rent any machine that makes a noise guaranteeing them fast and full attention from nurses. Continue reading →

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Tagged as Evening Harold, hospital, jeremy hunt, machines, NHS

by Max C-F | October 10, 2014 · 11:00 am

Animators strike puts X-Factor in doubt: now who will operate Cheryl’s face?

Pre-animation: Simon, Cheryl, Mel and Louis

This weekend’s X-Factor hangs in the balance due to a lack of animators to bring life to Simon Cowell’s and Cheryl’s botox numbed faces. Normally carried out by Wallace and Gromit creators Aardman Animation this highly skilled work is a vital component of the show.

However Aardman are striking for better pay on the grounds that they are not paid enough to have to endure the constant stress of trying to make Simon and Cheryl not look entirely dead behind the eyes. A task which the hard-pressed animators say is beyond even their Oscar-winning talents. Continue reading →

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Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as Aardman Animation, Cheryl Cole, Evening Harold, Simon Cowell, Wallace and Gromit, x-factor

by Max C-F | · 6:17 am

White, male, ex-Tory and incumbent MP wins by-election: Ukip hails “huge change”

Douglas Carswell pictured having his right ear gently caressed by a much smaller man.

Ukip are today as merry as a schoolboy and as giddy as a drunken man over gaining their first MP, Douglas Carswell, as a result of the Clacton by-election.

Before the polls closed Ukip’s leader, millionaire ex-City trader Nigel Farage, told the press: Continue reading →

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Tagged as douglas carswell, Evening Harold, nigel farage, UKIP

by Max C-F | October 8, 2014 · 7:00 am

No Ebola in UK: Daily Mail heartbroken

“Why is everyone so healthy, dammit?” Paul Dacre

It’s a global health crisis that’s slowly but surely breaking the heart of the nation’s scaremonger-in-chief, Paul Dacre. The editor of the Daily Mail is reported to be barely a shadow of himself as day after day Ebola fails to appear in the UK. Continue reading →

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Filed under Health

Tagged as Daily Mail, ebola, Evening Harold, UK

by Max C-F | October 6, 2014 · 1:53 pm

EH investigates: do people only troll when hiding behind internet anonymity?

Er…no?

Nope, not with us sadly living on the version of Earth where Richard Littlejohn is real.

We rest our case.

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Tagged as Evening Harold, flaming, internet trolls, trolling

by Max C-F | October 4, 2014 · 1:06 pm

First build slingshot: Angry Birds publisher slammed for redundancy contest

Angry Birds publishers Rovio are under fire for implementing the cruellest redundancy package since Bluebeard. The company is laying off a significant proportion of its workforce having over-hired in the belief that people would never tire of their product. Prompting critics to wonder if they’ve ever actually met people and how they’ve failed to notice that we have such short attention spans most of us can’t even be bothered to properly complete our cheese Vietnam L.S Lowry tropical fish… Continue reading →

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Tagged as Angry Birds, Atos, Evening Harold, freemium, Rovio

by Max C-F | October 2, 2014 · 5:30 pm

Celebrating National Poetry Day with Matt Hancock MP

Can’t help but wonder if all Dave’s chums are this delightful

There once was a minister on the hunt,
For more twitter followers so he took a punt,
Thinking he was using humour like a boss,
He retweeted a load of bigoted toss,
And ended up looking a right…(continued next page)

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Tagged as Evening Harold, Matt Hancock, queers, Tory, Twitter

by Max C-F | · 2:57 pm

Is Ebola spread by Facebook huggzz?

“I hate being perfectly healthy, I have to work so much harder for attention.”

The World Health Organisation is investigating evidence that Ebola can be spread by vague platitudes and insincere sympathy posted on Facebook.

“I updated my status to ‘Feel fluey, legs ache. Blood running from my eyes’,” one Ebola sufferer told us. “I got four comments within five minutes saying ‘Awww bless. Huggz.’ now those people have Ebola too.” Continue reading →

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Tagged as ebola, Evening Harold, Facebook, hypochondriacs, NHS

by Max C-F | · 12:20 pm

Clegg refutes May’s ‘thumping great weasel’ allegation

Our betters

Nick Clegg has accused Theresa May of making “false and outrageous” slurs over her conference speech claim that he is a thumping great weasel who wouldn’t know a genuine political conviction if one woke him up tomorrow with croissants and an especially tender kiss. Continue reading →

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Tagged as Evening Harold, Nick Clegg, spat, theresa may

by Max C-F | September 28, 2014 · 3:30 pm

Entire population of village swaps naked photos to thwart hackers

Even the local wildlife is included. Look at that naked show-off flaunting itself.

There is a sense of quiet triumph in Harold this afternoon as villagers hail the success of their new solution to the growing problem of hacking.

“Every day some anonymous sod behind a keyboard somewhere says that they’ve hacked people’s phones or clouds and will now distribute the photos of their victims that show the most flesh,” Harold’s mayor Rufus D. Jackson explained. “So rather than waste time worrying about it we on the parish council worked out that if everyone took a naked selfie and everyone saw it then getting hacked wouldn’t be a worry and we can all get on with our lives.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Around Harold

Tagged as Evening Harold, George Clooney, hackers, naked pictures

by Max C-F | September 26, 2014 · 1:31 pm

World Exclusive: Nigel Farage’s conference speech in full

For the last two days journalists from the Evening Harold have been deep undercover at Doncaster racecourse. Cunningly pretending to want trains painted ‘proper’ colours and to only ever eat English cheese we made it right to the heart of Ukip and managed to get our hands on a copy of Nigel Farage’s conference speech ahead of him taking to the stage at three o’clock this afternoon. Continue reading →

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Filed under Politics

Tagged as Conference, doncaster, Evening Harold, nigel farage, UKIP

Author Archives: Max C-F

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