For the last two days journalists from the Evening Harold have been deep undercover at Doncaster racecourse. Cunningly pretending to want trains painted ‘proper’ colours and to only ever eat English cheese we made it right to the heart of Ukip and managed to get our hands on a copy of Nigel Farage’s conference speech ahead of him taking to the stage at three o’clock this afternoon.
The first lines seem suspiciously familiar but the rest is all senior kippers’ own work.
This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England,
This nurse, this teeming womb of royal kings
God, I wish my supporters would stop saying mad things
It’s no longer okay to call people wogs
But we agree with Isis about the filthy Frogs
If life gives you lemons, Johnny Foreigner, make lemonade
You sure as hell won’t be getting any overseas aid
All goods to be sold in pounds and ounces
Oh sod off, Scotland, no one cares if you flounces
Political correctness is absurd
My made up black mate lets me call him the N-word
Blue collar and heterosexual, that’s the way
We really, really don’t want anyone to be gay
No mention of my being a millionaire City type
I’m just Good Ol’ Nige – believe the hype!
Enough is enough, time to take a stand
You know who I like reading? Ayn Rand
I’m here to sneer at the liberal elite
Ed Miliband’s to blame for Benefits Street
Cameron’s a weasel and Nick Clegg is scum
Did you know Ed Balls shot Bambi’s mum?
Gents in blazers, the ladies in dresses
No harassment just banter and innocent caresses
Real ale, golf club bores, isn’t this jolly?
Bring back National Service and on jam lids a golli
Patronise the old, demonise the young
Pull up those trousers, take that stud out of your tongue
Benefits must be cut
I’m not racist but…
Holding the monarchy in the highest regard
Just thinking about Churchill makes me hard
Love the armed forces, the SAS makes me all smiles
The Labour Party sponsors paedophiles
Vote Ukip! We’ll make this country thrive
Just need to turn the clock back to 1955.