Under increasing pressure to reduce costs and boost income into the royal household, the Queen and Prince Philip are rumoured to be considering auctioning off some of their assets, starting with Prince Charles.
“The idea came while the Queen was taking in her daily fix of Bargain Hunt,” her spokesman said.
The irony of collecting tax in a Starbucks cup was lost on this tax collector
Corporation tax has long been a contentious issue politically, with HMRC doing their best to get multi-national companies to pay the correct levels of tax owed. These tactics have ranged from taking company directors out to dinner to the more drastic action of asking them really nicely.
Now HMRC have announced they are to try a new approach to collecting the millions of pounds owed to the public purse; begging.
Robinson realised his mistake as soon as he said he was not racist
Ex-EDL leader Tommy Robinson had been jailed for 18 months for fraudulently claiming he was not racist. He made the claims in October when he left the EDL citing his concerns over the ‘dangers of far-right extremism’.
Robinson pleaded guilty to the charge and told the court that looking back he could see he was actually fooling nobody. “The trouble with fraud is that you have to convince people you are something you are not,” Robinson told the court.
“In hindsight I may have had more luck convincing people I had to leave because I was pregnant than asking them to believe I was no longer a bigot.”
Comments Off on Tommy Robinson jailed for fraudulently claiming not to be racist.
Filed under Uncategorized
Following the passing of Roger Lloyd-Pack, the BBC have announced they have already found a replacement for Trigger in the Sports Relief Only Fools and Horses episode due later this year.
“We were looking for some who could portray a character that is very popular despite being a bit dim” the BBC said in a statement.
“It was at that point David Beckham walked in a started peeing in a plant pot in the corner of the room before washing his hands on Nicholas Lindhurst.” Continue reading
Comments Off on BBC find their new ‘Trigger’
Filed under Culture, International News, Lifestyle, News, Sport
A spacecraft that has been in hibernation and is half a billion miles away has ‘woken up’ and made contact with the European Space Agency asking “did I leave the gas on”.
The Rosseta spacecraft left the earth in 2004 and was put to sleep 31 months ago to conserve energy, but all its time in hibernation it has had a niggling feeling it may not have turned the gas off.
“It woke up late Monday afternoon,” Gerhard Schwehm, mission manager for Rosetta, said. “We sent messages to check the equipment but it just replied ‘oh bugger’.”
“A quick check showed that the gas had been left on as well as the landing light. With energy prices constantly rising since 2004, the cost of the project to land a craft on a moving asteroid has now doubled.”
However, the extortionate bills are the least of the teams problems. Whilst catching up on the last 31 months the spacecraft has had to deal with news of Jimmy Savile’s death and subsequent discoveries, the horse meat scandal, and finding out Russell Brand is now seen as a credible political voice.
“It could just about handle all that,” Schwehm continues, “but ithas decided to shut back down and crash into the sun after being told Jim Davidson was back on television.”
Comments Off on Rosetta spacecraft wakes up half a billion miles away and asks ‘did I leave the gas on?’
Filed under Intergalactic News, International News, News, science
With 3D printing on the increase and a Manchester company claiming to have made a pair of 3D printed knickers, Harold’s very own ‘3D printing prototype’ has finally finished ‘printing’ a jumper.
“The project has been going for a while now, but we finally have a finished product” a spokesman for the Over-The-Hill retirement home, which houses the printer, told us.
“The technology is still a bit primitive, but Elsie Duggan, 86, can now knit 3D scarfs, over-sized 3D jumpers and gloves for people with six fingers.”
The BBC have found themselves in hot water again with Lord McAlpine after incorrectly announcing he was dead. The announcement is thought by some to be a knee jerk reaction to criticism they failed to cover the death of Elvis properly in the 1970s.
“We would like to apologise to Lord McAlpine for accusing him of being dead,” the director General said. “He can rest assured he will be getting a large payment usually reserved for sacked employees. Again.”
Comments Off on Lord McAlpine sues again after BBC accuse him of being dead
Filed under breaking news, Culture, News
Following on from his comments that gay people can “feel free in your relationship but leave the children alone”, man of the world and Russian president Vladimir Putin has been rolling out the rainbow carpet to all people from all over the Globe.
“I would like to extend the strong yet moisturised manly hand of friendship to everyone,” Putin told media.
Continue reading
George Osborne has tackled Labour’s ‘cost of living’ argument straight on today but refusing to limit bankers’ bonuses, allowing them to continue to live to a standard they have become accustomed.
“I am not as out of touch as Labour would have you believe,” Osborne told a press conference.
“I am well aware that rising energy prices are making it difficult for people to heat their homes, especially when those homes include an eight-bedroom country manor and a Central London apartment.
“With fuel prices rising, we don’t want ordinary, hard-working people giving up their jobs because they simply cannot afford to get to work, and aviation fuel is almost as expensive per litre than some of the finest champagnes.”
The chancellor has been criticised for not capping the bonuses. Critics claim a million pound salary should be enough without another million pound on top.
But Osborne insists any cost of living crisis could be solved by letting bankers be rewarded for gambling.
“The larger the bonus given to my friends, the more I have to defend it,” Osborne continued, “and that should create enough hot air to heat the whole country.”
Recent police figures reported in the Daily Mail have suggested “over half of all convicted tube pickpockets are Romanian” leading to calls for better training.
“There are actually fewer Romanian pickpockets than there are British ones, but they are shit at it and are getting caught more often,” one modern day Artful Dodger told us.
Filed under Crime, Culture, International News, News
A whale-sized creature found washed up on a beach near Edinburgh is probably a sperm whale, and not Eric Pickles as first thought.
An animal welfare charity was called to the beach early this morning by a member of the public concerned the communities minister was piloting a new parking scheme.
Comments Off on Edinburgh beached whale: charity 85% sure it’s not Eric Pickles
Filed under environment, Nature, News
Labour’s shadow education secretary Tristram Hunt, has announced a Labour government would reintroduce plans for a ‘teacher MOT’ but also go one step further and make it mandatory for them to also pay for and display a tax disc and hold valid insurance.
“The MOT will take place every 5 years and would look at a teacher’s ability to engage a class, their ability to educate children , and an emissions test” Mr Hunt explained.
“Health and Safety officers have also asked us to check the tread depth of their shoes and make sure levels of caffeine are being kept topped up.
Producers at Channel 5 have been congratulated and thanked by the British public for the most secretive series of Big Brother yet.
The current run, which started just over a week ago, has some of today’s biggest names such as Jim Davidson and Lionel Blair yet has still managed to slip under the radar of even the most discerning youthful telly addicts.
Comments Off on Channel 5 praised for most secretive Big Brother series ever
Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, News, Showbusiness
“We have come a long way, but the job is not yet half way done”. These were the words of George Osborne’s hairdresser yesterday when talking about the now famous ‘Austerity Cut’ he has been working on for the past few months.
“We have gone some way with this cut but will need to complete at least a further £25 worth of cuts to get things looking a little bit more respectable,” he continued.
The MP for Harold, Spencer Chadwick, has had to admit trying to make his family seem “as common as constituents” by linking working class establishments to more upper class alternatives with a link of tunnels running under the village.
The Conservative member of parliament can often be seen posing for pictures dropping his children off at the gates to the local state school. However, the moment his children enter the school they are ushered away from the other children and taken through one of the tunnels on a chauffeur driven Segway to a £4000-a-term private school three miles away.
The government has today announced the electrification of the M1 between London and Sheffield. Transport Minister Patrick McLoughlin also explained many other upgrades to the route that will see safety increased, including bumpers around the edge of the carriageway.
The electricity needed for vehicles to run will be supplied via a mesh running along the length of the route with a pole extending from the back of the car connecting it to the national grid. “Essentially we are going to invest billions of pounds in the world’s longest bumper car course” Mr McLoughlin told reporters. “This will of course become a toll road. You pay your £2.50 per person at the toll booth in exchange for a token to get your car going.”
The Scouts, Territorial and Salvation Armies have been stood down in Harold after experts confirmed it was the heavy winds that blew 11 recycling boxes in to the middle of the road, and it was not the start of an Eco-invasion.
“The alarm was raised at 5am this morning during the storm,” PC Flegg told us. “We had calls from several concerned residents who say the recycling boxes were taking up ‘a combat position’ in the middle of the road.
Continue reading
Comments Off on Police confirm recycling boxes not invading, just blown around by storm
Filed under Christmas, environment, News, Travel, Weather
Garages expect their peak trading to be 7pm Christmas Eve
After Cyber Monday and Black Friday, two of the biggest shopping days online and on the High Street, shops and garages all over the UK are bracing themselves for Man Monday. The day, which this year falls just two days before Christmas, sees 90% of men start their Christmas shopping.
The British Retail Consortium say although this may not be the most profitable day of the shopping year, it is a great chance for them to get rid of the tat that didn’t sell before the Boxing Day sales.
Police in Harold have warned the public to be on the look out for an escaped six foot animatronic penis. The man-sized phallus is not thought to be dangerous but does have a tendency to spout some unsavoury stuff from its head.
The penis was constructed by Harold Technologies Ltd and designed to help artificially inseminate elephants as part of a nature conservation project however there appears to be a fault in the programming.
In what some are calling “the custody battle of the century”, Andy Murray has been awarded the Sports Personality Of The Year in an attempt to secure his full British status after Scottish independence.
“We have given him the award to recognise his amazing achievements over the last year” the British said. “And make sure we have him Monday to Friday, but we are willing to let Scotland have him at weekends and Boxing Day.”
Comments Off on Independence custody battle starts as Andy Murray awarded Sports Personality Of The Year
Filed under Culture, Entertainment, News, Sport
You must be logged in to post a comment.