I quite like Tony if anyone’s interested.
From Allah to Zeus, from Acan to Zinsi, religious types like to name their gods. Except Christians! ‘Blessed be thy name’ goes their favourite prayer, but what is it? Well now their prayers will be answered, as this summer sees the launch of an international campaign to give the world’s favourite omnipotent being a name.
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Filed under International News, Religion, Tony Blair
Cecilia was a ‘one off’, although her sister was a chicken bucket.
A dental hygienist has caused international outrage after eating a much-loved factory chicken called Cecilia.
Cecilia had lived to the ripe-old age of 34 days, before she was cut down in her prime fillets.
Loved by everyone who had seen a picture of her on Instagram just after her death, Cecilia was brutally killed to fulfil hygienist Wesley Evan’s sick desires.
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Filed under Around Harold, Farming, Food, Sport
“I felt the Holy water running down my leg”
Arnold Delaney revealed that last Thursday had been like any other day, although he had eaten two eggs for breakfast.
“I’d also consumed a second cup of coffee”, said Delaney. “And that’s when my true calling was revealed unto myself, Lord-ways.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Religion
“The dentist can rest assured he won’t feel a thing”
Palmer attracted widespread notoriety for paying $50,000 to hunt and kill Cecil the lion, and so Harold schoolboy Simon Delenay set up a fundraising page to allow the lions a chance to even up the score.
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Filed under International News, Nature
Corbyn’s disguise was ‘almost fool-proof’.
An undercover police officer who infiltrated the Labour leadership contest has been named as Jeremy Corbyn.
Corbyn, who has three other families through his work with Greenpeace, Amnesty International and the Beard Liberation Front, has gone back to his fishing village now his cover is blown.
“I can confirm that PC ‘Corbyn’ has worked for the Special Demonstration Squad since 1983”, said the Met’s superintendent Latechild. “Unfortunately on this occasion, he’s overstretched his remit.”
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Following a freedom of information request, the internet service provider which supplies broadband to the palace of Westminster has revealed what members of the two houses of parliament surf the web for during the really boring bits of government. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Labour, Politics, Sex, Social media, Society, Technology, Tony Blair, Tory sex scandal, Uncategorized
Post a Minion quote and this is what you’re actually telling the world
Villager Pauline Regan is now in her thirteenth week of using social media solely to post Minion quotes leaving friends and family concerned for her welfare, and wondering if she’ll ever regain her sense of humour. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment
HBO, creators of gritty and supremely violent shows such as Game of Thrones, The Wire, and Spartacus have turned to an unlikely source for their next tits ‘n’ exposition spectacular, James Herriot’s All Creatures Great and Small, promising that their show will be ‘sexier and glossier’ than the beloved BBC adaptation. We’ve managed to obtain the first three scenes from the script of the pilot episode and publish them here so readers can decide if this version will be as glorious as a night in the Drover’s Arms or if it should be sent to Jeff Mallock’s yard immediately. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment
Disappointingly, all of the performers survived.
Villagers who paid to watch a so-called ‘Wall of Death’ have reacted angrily after a rider was left with only a broken collar bone.
Members of the public paid over £2 each to watch the spectacle at the summer fete, but were disappointed by the superficial nature of the injury.
The Wall of Death is a traditional attraction, in which motorcyclists ride around a circular shed until someone is killed.
“My friend Simon said that he watched it last year, and a man’s head came off”, said Bobby Evans, 9. “But all I saw was a guy whose arm went a bit floppy. His bone wasn’t even sticking out through his leathers.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment
“Psst, could you do that more quietly? No-one else knows you’re down there.”
The Sun on Sunday has revealed how two otherwise respectable prostitutes were involved in sleazy drug-fuelled sex romp with former Labour Minister Lord Sewel.
Speaking from underneath another client this morning, one of the women said she felt betrayed by Sewel’s silence about his day job.
“I assumed he was a drug dealer or a pimp” said ‘Janice’ “so I was disgusted to find that he was in the House of Lords. Would you excuse me, just got to finish…” Continue reading
Prances McHoof: spokesdonkey
Newly elected SNP MP, Mhairi Black, has caused outrage amongst the UK’s donkeys by claiming that they make the same sound as MPs.
In an interview with the Times she commented on Parliament’s rules by saying: “So you’re not allowed to clap like an ordinary person, but you’re allowed to bray like a donkey? I mean, see PMQs, especially the Conservative side, they’ve got this weird noise they do. It actually sounds like a drunken mob.” Continue reading
“Trees, I see lots and lots of trees”
The eBay seller crackdown is expected to be followed by an HMRC campaign to tax beggars collecting money in Starbucks cups.
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Wayne still waiting to hear back from Mensa
“Imagine if he went into that cinema armed with just a baseball bat, he would have found it almost impossible to bash himself to death” reasoned NRA spokesman Wayne Einstein.
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, USA
Elderly shop assistant Elsie Duggan had the shock of her life yesterday when she discovered a family of illegal migrants hidden in a crate of bananas.
“Oooh it was horrible,” she said, still trembling at the memory. “Almost as soon as I ripped open the case, they started to force their way out and scattered to all corners. There were loads of them. I’m amazed that they could move so fast after being cooped up in there so long. There were arms and legs everywhere!” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold
Like the Lenin hat, Jeremy!
The competence of the Labour Party has been questioned once again after it was announced that leadership hopefuls, Liz Kendall, Yvette Cooper and Andy Burnham had all withdrawn from the contest in favour of Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper and Liz Kendall.
Driven by a combined fear that Jeremy Corbyn might have an outside chance of becoming the next Labour leader if someone didn’t step down from the contest, each of the prospective leaders fell upon their swords leaving the grizzled leftie a shoo-in for the leadership.
“It’s even worse than the Miliband debacle,” said one veteran Labour activist. “They’ve all pulled out and in seconds have collectively set the Party back by thirty five years without a single bacon roll in sight.” Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, Politics
Police warned the attack could make BMWs drive predictably.
BMW owners have been warned that they’re vulnerable to attack by hackers, after an owner reported that his car had been overcome by mystery flashing lights.
Using a computer to access the vehicle’s Infotainment system, hackers activated some redundant old code and let other road users know where the hell it was going.
Derek Hostage was driving his BMW X6 when the attack happened, and explained how the lights came on as he was cutting up an ambulance.
“The lights completely took me by surprise”, claimed Hostage, “so I swerved into a bus stop and stuck my fingers up at the waiting queue.”
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Filed under Motoring, Technology
Gove frowns on abuse of the key trust system.
Justice secretary Michael Gove has announced that once a prison smoking ban is introduced, inmates will be allowed to light up outside.
Prisons are currently exempt from restrictions on smoking indoors, but this could be reversed to safeguard the health of prison officers.
“Just like nurses and office workers, prison customers will have to go just outside the main entrance if they want to smoke”, said Gove. “The ones I’ve spoken to seemed surprisingly open to the idea.”
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Filed under Politics
Could you just spoon with us and tell us that everything’s going to be all right?
As current events seem to more and more resemble the nastier bits of a Brueghel painting, the entire world has decided to give up, stick its head in the sand, and simply concentrate on Kit Harington’s hair from now on.
The actor’s tremendous locks are generating an increasing amount of headlines as everyone clings to news of its length and whereabouts as the only thing they can understand in these dark and confusing times. Continue reading
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Filed under Showbusiness
Angry woman no match for PC Flegg’s tazer
The woman, who has not been named, is reported to have claimed that she mistook the young family for another couple she knew and their “latest brat” and swerved away the moment she realised her mistake.
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Filed under Royals
One of the maniacs who expressed an opinion.
A handful of Labour MPs have caused widespread disgust after voting in parliament in line with their principles.
Supply leader Harriet Harman had urged her MPs not to vote on welfare reforms, because doing so might make them unpopular with traditional tory voters.
“It’s those conservative voters that Labour needs to appeal to in future”, said Harman. “We’re not going to get far if we listen to the little voice inside that says ‘this is wrong, we should object to this with every fibre of our being’.”
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Filed under Politics
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