Monthly Archives: June 2014

by | June 24, 2014 · 7:00 am

Iain Duncan Smith recovering after operation to remove final traces of compassion

Iain-Duncan-Smith

Duncan Smith and his shadow. That’s our ‘is vampire’ theory blown.

Iain Smith is today recovering in hospital having had a major operation. The surgery to remove the final traces of his compassion is believed to be the first of its kind.

“Iain Duncan Smith was rushed to St Mary’s Hospital, Westminster last night after complaining of feeling unwell,” said a Downing Street spokesperson. “It is believed he saw a picture of a rough sleeper that was used to illustrate a report on the rise in homelessness and instead of laughing as he normally would felt a brief twinge of concern.” Continue reading →

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by | June 23, 2014 · 11:00 am

Wimbledon preparing for final outing of annual ‘Murray reverts to being Scottish after he loses’ joke

murray-flag

Just give it time…

Wimbledon organisers are preparing for the end of an era this fortnight, as looming independence for Scotland has the unintended effect that everyone’s favourite joke about Andy Murray may not work any more.

The traditional “Andy Murray reverts to being Scottish” joke has been sighted every year since the plucky Scotsman first began losing at Wimbledon. The joke is a clever play on the fact that prior to losing, Murray is often referred to in the media as ‘British’, but after being defeated he is likely to be labelled ‘Scottish’, which is so amusing that pointing it out never gets tiresome.

It is traditional to wait several minutes after Murray is knocked out of Wimbledon before posting the joke on Facebook. Over the last few years, the joke has been ingeniously tweaked and subtly twisted to maintain its freshness, as seen in recent outings: “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2012), “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2011) and “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2010). Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Jeremy Hunt unveils plan to save NHS: ‘Can you lot stop using it?’

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Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has said he has found the answer to all of the NHS’s problem and has asked for the public’s help in fixing it.

“Stop using the bloody NHS” Mr Hunt pleaded in a press conference to announce his plans.

“Every time we sort a problem out, patients decide they need to use the service putting pressure on it and making us go backwards.
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by | June 22, 2014 · 3:25 pm

Pope criticises mafia and calls kettle black

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You can smell the real thing. This is solid silver, put it back in the safe

Pope Francis has condemned what he called the Mafia’s adoration of evil, saying the gangsters were now effectively excommunicated in the eyes of the Church.

A notoriously dangerous criminal organisation, with complex financial structures and a vast network of agents across world, the Catholic Church is keen to preserve its status as Italy’s ‘Number 1’. Continue reading →

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by | · 10:00 am

New Scottish referendum poll: 67% say no to England but yes to Westeros

Still a better leader than David Cameron

Still a better leader than David Cameron

As the referendum gets closer a new poll has revealed a surprise swing in voter intention. A poll carried out for the Evening Harold by ICM shows that 67% of Scots are intending to vote for independence from England but would welcome joining Westeros as Eighth Kingdom.

“Scotland is small,” said one voter who was polled. “Once independent we will need allies and trade. It would also be nice to wear cloaks in the winter and not be laughed at.”
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by | June 21, 2014 · 2:37 pm

Crackdown on wannabe Syria fighters makes first high-profile arrest. PM in custody

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MI5 have started a government-backed crackdown on any UK citizen wishing to go to Syria to fight in the war against the Assad regime by launching a dawn raid at an address in Central London and arresting prime minister David Cameron.

“We have been looking through footage of our suspect talking of sending more fighters into region than any jihadist could hope to recruit,” MI5 head Andrew Parker said.

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by | · 8:00 am

Tesco takes on Aldi by monetizing food banks

foodbank express

Very little help.

In an effort to win back market share from budget brand shops, Tesco are taking on Aldi by buying up a range of charity food banks.

With Sainsburys relaunching Netto, Tesco are keen to compete in the shame end of the market. “We’re talking abject humiliation here, not the mild embarrassment of our long-standing ‘Value’ range.”

“We thought of bringing back Happy Shopper, I certainly remember being bullied for having their crisps in my school lunch box”, said Tesco director Alan Soylent. “But our research shows that ‘food banks’ are currently dominating the downtrodden sector. Shame is very marketable at the moment.”

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by | June 20, 2014 · 11:00 am

US ‘military advisers’ in Iraq lambasted for inappropriate dress

Sandtroopers-SWFB

The only people less fond of peace than Tony Blair

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by | · 7:00 am

Charity shop full of unwanted England flags mistaken for BNP headquarters

charity shop

Some shop visitors find a flag in their size.

With England as good as out of the World Cup, a charity shop in Harold has been mistaken for a BNP outlet after receiving hundreds of old, unwanted England flags.

Doris Kettle works in the store for a few hours a week, and has been staggered by the response.

“Normally we find it hard to find volunteers, but since Friday morning we’ve been inundated with fat, tattooed, shaven headed men asking if they can sign up to ‘help the cause'”, revealed Kettle.

“Now that we have 15 on every shift I’m a bit scared to tell them the money goes to poor Africans.”

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by | June 19, 2014 · 4:31 pm

Miliband to create a more educated and skilled unemployed

20140619-162447-59087849.jpgEd Miliband has announced Labour’s plans for welfare reform should they get into government at the general election.

Concentrating on those claiming Jobseekers Allowance he has promised Britain will have the most skilled and educated unemployed in Europe.
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by | · 11:00 am

Tesco in-store speed bumps will tackle ‘mobility scooter menace’

scooters

Cake and biscuits can also be used to slow scooters down.

Tesco has announced a range of mobility scooter calming measures, including speed bumps placed at regular intervals in the aisles.

Analysts have linked Tesco’s fall in profits with last year’s purchase of a Sunset Freedom Anklebain by Harold pensioner Doris Kettle. Draped in rain gear and cackling manically as she careers around the store while high on Sanatogen, some shoppers are so desperate they’re even taking their chances in Lidl.

Store manager Paul Watts hopes to restore some civility to his store, and the speed bumps are just one part of a strategy to get Doris to ‘Slow the Hell Down’.
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by | · 7:00 am

Flatulent dog complains about being compared to Miliband

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Depressed: Pertinax has been unable to face the world since it happened

Local dog, Pertinax, is threatening to sue the BBC for defamation of character after being slurred on Newsnight.

“I was enjoying watching Jeremy Paxman’s last show,” Pertinax told us from the house he allows the Thorvald family to share with him having chosen them to take him away from a Dunstable cats and dogs home two years ago. “And it was all right, bit smug maybe but it was okay and then Paxman said it.” Continue reading →

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by | June 18, 2014 · 6:07 pm

Paxman’s final Newsnight: Will Michael Howard be on?

paxman

Thinks: Howard, you utter ‘chump’

Jeremy Paxman will front his last Newsnight tonight. Paxman sprang to international prominence after his 1997 ‘grilling’ of  Michael Howard. Hopes were high that the irritatingly smug veteran might be persuaded to appear tonight and interview the former Tory leader again.

The BBC still doesn’t know if Howard will be there however, as revealed in this transcript leaked to the Evening Harold.

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by | · 11:00 am

Gremlin Ed Miliband gets wetter; spawns dozens of clones

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Ed Miliband: don’t feed him after midnight

Over 50% of Labour candidates standing for marginal seats at the next election already work in Westminster or are closely related to senior figures within the party. Labour’s refusal to acknowledge that other types of people exist and might be just as good at fiddling their expenses and eating bacon sandwiches as current MPs is seen by many as conclusive evidence that Ed Miliband is a Gremlin. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Local man inspired by Phil Neville

unicorn

A bear on fire on a motorbike fighting off Christ the Redeemer for stealing his unicorn

Inspired by the plethora of ‘expert analysts’ prevalent on the television during the current World Cup, local entrepreneur Andy Warder has started a new consultancy business.

“I got the idea whilst listening to experts such as Robbie Savage, Danny Murphy and Andy Townsend on the telly, and I immediately set about honing my mathematical equation during half time in the France v Honduras match. It’s simple: Expert analysis = description of an event you have witnessed + cliché.

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by | June 17, 2014 · 11:00 am

‘Cheer up, plebs’ Cameron’s message to those not feeling benefits of recovery

cameron-osborne

They’re laughing, why aren’t you?

David Cameron has vented his frustration over the majority of the country not feeling the benefits of economic recovery. In a Cabinet Office meeting whose transcripts were subsequently leaked to The Evening Harold the Prime Minister ranted against what he perceives as “profound ingratitude from the masses.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Baby George Windsor visits submarine fleet

Georgesub

George spots something remarkable, impressing even the staunchest of republicans.

Supreme heir to the throne Baby George Alexander Louis Windsor has visited his submarine fleet and made several improvements.

Admirals were impressed with his bawdy jokes and knowledge of naval strategy. George then gazed at a shiny object while attendees took notes, ate a rusk and scowled intelligently as he imperiously shat himself.
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by | June 16, 2014 · 9:33 pm

Phil Neville fails Turing test

neville

A robot yesterday

Phil Neville has failed to convince a panel of experts that he is human, it emerged today.

This is believed to be the first time that a football pundit has failed the ‘Turing Test’, a standard way of distinguishing between a lifeless mechanical robot and a computer.

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by | · 1:50 pm

Now forced marriage illegal, Clegg searches for another excuse to be a Tory

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With laws coming into effect today making forced marriage illegal, Nick Clegg has found himself desperately searching for other excuses to remain a Tory after the next election.

“It seems he will no longer be able to use the ‘they made me do it’ card,” the BBC’s Nick Robinson explained.

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by | · 11:00 am

‘But I must have more blood’ says Blair

tony-vampire

Pretty straight guy

Prince of Darkness and Supreme Evil Being Tony Blair has insisted that the West should again go to war in Iraq to provide him with a supply of the fresh blood of the innocents which he needs to retain his youth and immortality.

Commentators from across the political spectrum have denounced the returning of troops to the country as absolute insanity, but Blair is adamant that a resumption of conflict is the only way he he will be able to gorge on the human blood he so desperately craves.

“Look, I’m a pretty straight guy,” he explained to reporters this morning. “And, you know, my blood lust shall be sated. Great.”

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