In what some are calling “the custody battle of the century”, Andy Murray has been awarded the Sports Personality Of The Year in an attempt to secure his full British status after Scottish independence.
“We have given him the award to recognise his amazing achievements over the last year” the British said. “And make sure we have him Monday to Friday, but we are willing to let Scotland have him at weekends and Boxing Day.”
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With Christmas being one of the most typed words into a status update at the moment, Facebook’s auto-suggest feature is ensuring anyone named Christopher, Chris or Christine will not be forgotten over the festive season.
The feature on the social media platform sees a list of names beginning with Chris pop up every time a user starts typing Christmas.
Facebook’s founder Mark Zuckerberg explained: “We introduced the feature to help users remember their friends’ names each time they bang their fists on the keyboard in an attempt to string a sentence together.
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Ed tried to keep Mili-un hair status a secret.
Labour leader Ed Miliband is said to be ‘incandescent with rage’ after a disgruntled stylist left him with the hair of a brutal dictator.
Miliband has been closely attended by a team of image consultants and media advisors since he purged his brother David from the party, in an attempt to make him seem wishy-washy, bumbling and odd.
But insiders have occasionally hinted that Miliband is a ruthless and shrewd politician who will stop at nothing to become a supreme leader.
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For a wad of grubby lucre, he won’t keep going on about profit margins, depreciation and capital allowances.
It’s the time of year when many self-employed people start to panic about the January Tax Return deadline.
“They catch me out every year, sneaking their brown oblong envelope in among the Christmas cards,” said Pippa Delaney, owner of Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! in Harold. “How jolly nice of HMRC to send me a seasonal payslip.”
But help is now at hand with a local accountancy firm getting ready for their January Sale. “We’ve got loads of special offers lined up,” said Geoffrey King, of King’s Counting House, “and some real bargains in our Down A Bit On Last Year range of simplified Tax Returns and, for the client whose dog chewed up his business records, our unique Sounds About Right range of off-the-peg accounts.”
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Concerned by infrastructure delays surrounding next Summer’s World Cup, the German Football Association has announced that it is the early stages of constructing a gigantic towel to reserve the location of the team’s training base.
The under-construction towel, which is being built by a high-tech Munich weaving company, will cover 15,000 square metres of Brazil’s beachfront and will have black, red and yellow stripes and come pre-washed to avoid unpleasant early lack of absorbancy.
Initial hand-towels have already been completed, and a German fact-finding team have been sent over to Brazil to give these a dry run in the team’s hotel.
Joachim Low’s team have been drawn to play Ghana, Portugal and the United States, and are favourites to beat all of them down to the hotel’s buffet breakfast.
Not everyone is impressed by the Germans’ advance planning. The English FA has already lodged a complaint with FIFA, saying England was “Just about to build a training camp on that site, it’s a bloody liberty!” England manager Roy Hodgson angrily insisted “It really is a bit much, our builders came down there nice and early to find an enormous towel already being built. They’d hardly had breakfast!”
He’s fine. Probably just needs a tickle.
With the Royal College of Psychiatrists claiming mental health services are ‘near breaking point’, Care Minister Norman Lamb has insisted that they ‘try and cheer up’.
“The trouble with the bloody psychiatrists is that for them, the glass is always half empty, whereas in reality it’s almost a third full. Well, maybe a quarter. Certainly not very much less than a quarter, that’s for sure. They should just get a grip and snap out of it.”
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More volatile than a magnum of champagne.
Formula 1 is facing its most radical overhaul yet, following a rule change to make car-sick babies compulsory.
With opponents claiming the sport is increasingly out of touch with conventional road cars, next season’s vehicles will feature a ticking vomit-bomb right behind the drivers’ ears.
Reigning world champion Sebastian Vettel welcomed the move, claiming he had ‘a lot of experience’ in being followed by whining babies.
The FIA has signed up Mothercare to supply the children, which will be chosen for their light weight, aerodynamics and ability to barf up both lungs at the slightest hint of a wobble.
“We are always looking for ways to make our technology relevant to the road” claimed recently re-elected FIA president Jean Todt. “Although when we showed a panel of Ferrari owners a picture of a baby, under half of them knew what one was.”
Keen to emphasise the sport’s links with conventional automobiles, next season will feature a number of other changes.
“When drivers make a pit stop to have their tyres changed, they’ll also be offered two slightly out-of-date creme eggs for £1”, explained Todt. “Then as they pull back onto the track they’ll have to negotiate a pensioner in a Micra, who simply refuses to move into the other f***ing lane.”
Teams boycotted plans to make their drivers pick up a take-away meal, citing cost as a barrier to some of the smaller teams.
“It might sound simple to design a curry hook that can withstand a few g, but popadoms shatter if you so much as look at them”, claimed Adrian Newey. “And besides, we spend thousands trying to shed those final few grams. Teams like Cosworth can’t really afford to spend £150k on a lightweight carbon fibre replacement for a conventional carrier bag.”
Bernie Ecclestone gave his backing to the latest rule change, and claimed that bilious babies would level the field.
“We won’t know for sure until after the first race in Australia”, said Ecclestone. “If the babies don’t work, we can always switch to Plan B: we’ll make Vettel communicate with his pit crew by text message or by updating his timeline on Facebook.”
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Harry promises to stop playing billiards a with ginger balls
With news coming out of North Korea that Kim Jong-un has had his military-based uncle executed for, amongst other things, womanising and drug taking, Prince Harry is reportedly seeking reassurance over the future temperament of Prince George.
Harry has previously admitted smoking cannabis and been pictured playing naked billiards in a Las Vegas hotel with women in a similar state of undress. Looking at events in North Korea, Harry is said to be ‘nervous’ about his own nephew’s reaction to his past behaviour.
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Filed under International News, News, Politics, Royals
Pope Francis has been named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year”, narrowly beating of competition from others on the short list, including Syrian president and alleged war criminal Bashir al-Assad.
The head of the Roman Catholic church has been praised for the way he has pulled “the papacy out of the palace and into the streets” before retreating back in to palace and having some if the finest possessions and food known to man, managing director Nancy Gibbs explained.
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Agnes Brown pictured looking happier than Her Majesty ever does.
There have been howls of outrage from traditionalists this morning following the BBC’s announcement that it has scrapped the Queen’s Christmas Day speech in favour of one from Mrs Agnes Brown instead.
“We’re not dumbing down or chasing ratings,” said Tony Hall, Director General of the BBC. “Times are tough for a lot of people so we thought it would be more appropriate for them to be addressed by a feisty lower-class housewife with a twinkle in her eye rather than a fabulously rich monarch whose television manner is as cold as the battlements of the castle she’s filmed in.” Continue reading
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A local Church has decided to start offering Vegas-style weddings in a bid to increase tourism levels in the village of Harold, but instead of Elvis performing the ceremony, there will be a distinctively British feel with the Vicar dressing up as Cliff Richard.
“I was on holiday in Vegas in the summer and was amazed at the amount of chapels offering people the chance to be married by an Elvis impersonator,” Reverend Tansy Forster explained.
“So I thought ‘what us the closest thing we have to Elvis?’ and Sir Cliff seemed like the obvious answer. Continue reading
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Unknown interpreter enjoying post-ejaculatory cigarette
News outlets worldwide have been left red-faced today after it emerged that the man they assumed was the official sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service was, in fact, merely standing next to the stage masturbating.
Viewers were at first confused that during President Obama’s address the man did not seem to be using recognised sign language, and this confusion was redoubled when it became apparent that the interpreter had removed his trousers and, giving up all pretence of communication, was frantically beating his male organ.
The Deaf Federation of South Africa told the BBC the man’s signs were “arbitrary”, “did not make sense”, and “he was clearly tugging himself off during the key points of the speech.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News, Politics, Sex
From the 2014 ‘Moyes Looking Upset’ calendar
Back-to-back losses in the Premier League, a lacklustre win against travel-weary Ukrainian opponents in the Champions League, closer to the relegation zone than the top of the table – you would think there has never been a better time to hate Manchester United – But that’s the problem, say dedicated Manchester United hater groups, as the internet drowns in amateur Man U mockers quick to join in the sneering season.
“It’s easy to mock them when they’re losing 1-0 at Stoke on a rainy Wednesday night, but where were these Johnny-come-lately misery hunters when Man United were winning everything?” moaned one die-hard hater on The Manchester United Haters Club Facebook page. “They don’t even know the basics like writing ‘ManUre’ in blogs to show you hate them”
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“Here it comes, commie swine!” “Take me, capitalist pig!”
President Barack Obama and Cuban President Raul Castro’s unexpected snog at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service was a completely spur-of-the-moment thing, the White House has said.
There had been fevered anticipation over the last few days over whether the leaders would be able to overcome their differences at the service and share a handshake, but few commentators expected the sudden mouth-on-mouth lunge of the two leaders. As world figures watched stunned, Obama and Castro mashed faces desperately for several minutes in a frenzy of tonsil-licking release.
In a statement later, the Cuban government said the gesture may show the “beginning of the end of the US capitalist aggressions”, and concluded “He may be an imperialist running dog, but hubba hubba!” Continue reading
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I say I say I say: two missiles walk into a kazbah. Boom boom!
“A fool and his money divided”
Artist Damien Hirst’s plan to build hundreds of houses in the north Devon countryside has been described as his most ‘breathtakingly bold’ and ‘shocking’ artistic statement since 1991’s famous ‘Rotten Shark in Brine’ piece.
In a work entitled “The Physical Impossibility of an Overdraft in the Bank Account of Hirst”, the artist has submitted a planning application to North Devon council for 750 homes, a school, shops, health centre, cycle path and a giant erect penis the size of a jumbo jet on the edge of the seaside town of Ilfracombe.
Much of the art world has praised the plans, with Tate Gallery Director Nicholas Serota insisting that the thousand buildings will blend into the countryside with all the subtlety you would expect from the man who put a 66 foot bronze statue of a pregnant woman holding a sword on the town’s seafront.
“It’s a powerful, breathtaking statement,” explained Serota, “Which makes you examine the very nature of town planning and countryside protection, and raises many questions, not least ‘Where the hell did all those fields go?'”
Not all critical opinion has been positive, however, with the whiff of plagiarism once again raising its ugly head. The Guardian’s art critic Adrian Searle has pointed out that Hirst’s plans bear more than a passing similarity to Tracy Emin’s recent work “Application for Kitchen Extension with Patio Doors”, which itself is said to heavily reference Andy Warhol’s famous “Milton Keynes” installation.
Reaction in the media has also been largely negative. The Evening Standard art critic, Brian Sewell, said simply, “I don’t think of it as art. There are countless young builders who do not get considered for the Turner prize; one thinks of Barratt Homes, one thinks of Bovis, and yet they are overlooked, purely because none of their houses are made from cows sliced in half. When will the art world learn?”
This is me good side. Youse can photoshop in me sad expression later.
Dear Mr Zuma,
Thank you for me invite to the Nelson Mandela memorial service. It is a great honour that you thought of me, although it’s no surprise that you did.
However, on this occasion I feel duty-bound to turn down yer kind and humble request. I can’t really take 100% of the credit for dismantling apartheid, although it would be fair to say I’m almost there with the ol’ poverty and what-not.
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Apparently only one of these people wilfully refuses to listen to any opposing views for comedic effect.
Ahead of a Panorama documentary to be broadcast tonight which will show that the charity Comic Relief has invested tens of millions of pounds in arms, alcohol and tobacco companies one prominent recipient of Comic Relief’s largesse has leapt to its defence.
The warlord known as Tony B has says that he got a lot out of his association with the red nose. Continue reading
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All that glitters is not a contribution to road safety.
Safety campaigners have slammed the council as ‘reckless’ following the introduction of a fleet of road glitters.
Harold council bought three lorries to tackle the impending festivities, and to add a bit of sparkle to the B roads around the village. But Pippa Delaney was highly critical of the new surface treatment, after careering off the road in her Land Rover Freelander on a treacherous mix of sleet, frost and shiny bits of plastic.
Equipped with powerful diesel engines and a sort of spinny metal thing on the back, each of the trucks is capable of covering around 25 miles of road in glitter a night, up to a depth of three inches.
But Delaney insists that far from adding ‘a bit of Christmas magic’ to road traffic accidents, the trucks are actually causing most of them.
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Filed under Around Harold, Health, Technology, Travel
Henry has been accused of landing a sucker punch.
Well-known cleaning couple, Henry and Hetty Numatic, have filed for divorce amid shocking new revelations about their private lives. The new revelations follow the publication last week of an image showing Henry on the half-landing of their big house on the Dunstable Road with his electric cable wrapped round Hetty’s face.
“There was certainly a face-off,” said the editor of domestic servitude newsletter The Daily Maid. “He looked like he was trying to strangle her and when they were pulled apart, Hetty’s face came off. It took ages to snap it back on.”
Fortunately the damage was only cosmetic. “It’s nothing a bit of plastic surgery can’t fix,” said Henry, dismissing the strangling allegation as nothing more than ‘a cable entanglement incident’.
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