Formula 1 is facing its most radical overhaul yet, following a rule change to make car-sick babies compulsory.
With opponents claiming the sport is increasingly out of touch with conventional road cars, next season’s vehicles will feature a ticking vomit-bomb right behind the drivers’ ears.
Reigning world champion Sebastian Vettel welcomed the move, claiming he had ‘a lot of experience’ in being followed by whining babies.
The FIA has signed up Mothercare to supply the children, which will be chosen for their light weight, aerodynamics and ability to barf up both lungs at the slightest hint of a wobble.
“We are always looking for ways to make our technology relevant to the road” claimed recently re-elected FIA president Jean Todt. “Although when we showed a panel of Ferrari owners a picture of a baby, under half of them knew what one was.”
Keen to emphasise the sport’s links with conventional automobiles, next season will feature a number of other changes.
“When drivers make a pit stop to have their tyres changed, they’ll also be offered two slightly out-of-date creme eggs for £1”, explained Todt. “Then as they pull back onto the track they’ll have to negotiate a pensioner in a Micra, who simply refuses to move into the other f***ing lane.”
Teams boycotted plans to make their drivers pick up a take-away meal, citing cost as a barrier to some of the smaller teams.
“It might sound simple to design a curry hook that can withstand a few g, but popadoms shatter if you so much as look at them”, claimed Adrian Newey. “And besides, we spend thousands trying to shed those final few grams. Teams like Cosworth can’t really afford to spend £150k on a lightweight carbon fibre replacement for a conventional carrier bag.”
Bernie Ecclestone gave his backing to the latest rule change, and claimed that bilious babies would level the field.
“We won’t know for sure until after the first race in Australia”, said Ecclestone. “If the babies don’t work, we can always switch to Plan B: we’ll make Vettel communicate with his pit crew by text message or by updating his timeline on Facebook.”