Tag Archives: drugs

‘Olympics is pants and we didn’t want to play anyway’ says Russia

211px-2016_Summer_Olympics_logo.svgHoofed out of the Olympics for fielding athletes with more drugs in them than the Wolf of Wall Street, Russia has said that it doesn’t care and that playing alone is “way so much cooler and more fun.”

Listlessly bouncing a tennis ball against a wall and trying to catch it one-handed Russia said that the Olympics were “rubbish” and that it didn’t want to compete against other countries because they’re all “gaylords and have fleas.” Continue reading

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New legislation outlaws any drug with less than 30% tax

Danny

“That is an unfortunate political decision.”

Any drug that has a psychoactive effect and dangerously low tax levels will be illegal to make or sell in the UK as of today.

The move comes soon after a shop selling so-called ‘legal highs’ in Rotherham was closed down by police investigating accusations that the only tax revenue being raised was from VAT. Continue reading

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Rise of LSD could make prog rock popular again, warns expert

yes album

No. No. No.

An expert who personally survived a ‘Yes’ album has warned that LSD is a ‘gateway’ to progressive rock.

With reports that the drug has come back into fashion, Dr Bob Wyatt described how this could lead to an interest in albums on which considerably more time has been spent on the cover art than on the actual music.

“To someone who has taken acid, all those dragons and unicorns can seem pretty appealling”, warned Wyatt. “But before you put that record on, it’s important to remember you’re on drugs.”
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‘We wouldn’t call you a drugs cheat if you weren’t a drugs cheat’ BBC tell drugs cheat Gatlin

Drugs cheat Justin Gatlin, some time after his second drugs ban

Drugs cheat Justin Gatlin, some time after his second drugs ban

After drugs cheat Justin Gatlin’s decision to boycott British media because he keeps being labelled a drugs cheat, the BBC have explained to him that he wouldn’t be referred to as a drugs cheat if he wasn’t a drugs cheat.

The drugs cheat sprinter, who has twice been banned for failing drugs tests, is unhappy that British media are focussing on his history of failing drugs tests (twice) rather than his career best 100m times, which are being achieved with the long-term benefits still in his system of the drugs that he has been banned for taking. Twice. Continue reading

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Justin Gatlin to try taking even more drugs

Right, time for some more drugs

Right, time for some more drugs

After seeing his World Championship gold medal hopes dashed, drugs-cheat Justin Gatlin has vowed to take more and more drugs until he eventually beats Usain Bolt.

Gatlin started the race as favourite but was beaten by one hundredth of a second and now believes that the long-term benefits of the performance enhancing drugs he has already taken may not be enough to achieve his goals. Continue reading

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Athletics ‘rife among drug addicts’ claims Sunday Times report

Hiding a secret addiction to hurdles

Hiding a secret addiction to the 110m hurdles

Up to a third of drug addicts have taken athletics at some point in their careers, according to information obtained by the Sunday Times.

The shocking revelations claim that the athletics range from some relatively harmless recreational jogging, right up to more hard-core activities such as triathlons and marathons. Continue reading

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Exposed: Prostitutes romp with £300 a day Lord Sewel

lordsewel

“Psst, could you do that more quietly? No-one else knows you’re down there.”

The Sun on Sunday has revealed how two otherwise respectable prostitutes were involved in sleazy drug-fuelled sex romp with former Labour Minister Lord Sewel.

Speaking from underneath another client this morning, one of the women said she felt betrayed by Sewel’s silence about his day job.

“I assumed he was a drug dealer or a pimp” said ‘Janice’ “so I was disgusted to find that he was in the House of Lords. Would you excuse me, just got to finish…” Continue reading

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AC/DC drummer sentenced to Whitesnake

philruddPhil Rudd, the drummer for AC/DC, has been sentenced to three years in Whitesnake.

Rudd pleaded guilty to charges of threatening to kill a former employee, but denied possessing a copy of the single “Is this Love”.

“Clearly, that must have been planted by someone”, said Rudd. “And if I find out who it was, I’ll have them ki…ssed?”

Amnesty International has condemned the punishment, and called for it to be commuted to a fortnight in Def Leppard.

“Until now, Rudd hasn’t had a criminal record”, said his lawyer Bruce Grobellaar. “Although he admits the stuff they released in the ’90s came close.”

Life in Whitesnake is known to be incredibly harsh: some who have served it end up taking their own hearing.

“It’s the thought of solitary confinement that scares me the most”, admitted Rudd. “We never had that in AC/DC. Imagine being on my own for what…7 or 8 minutes? Just banging away, with not so much as a bass line. And all the while you’re thrashing away at the solo, there’s the threat that when it ends, David Coverdale will come back out.”

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Health scare at Harold knitting circle as members found to have been sharing needles.

JS23831350

Just say No

Future meetings of the Harold knitting circle have been cancelled following an outbreak of Hepatitis B among the group. Continue reading

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Lance Armstrong: “The public should forgive me for getting caught, I’d try not be found out next time”

imageThe world’s biggest Lycra-clad liar and drugs cheat Lance Armstrong has said he should be forgiven for getting caught.

He has told the BBC that he regrets getting caught cheating but says the public should forgive him and understand that it was never his wish to be found out. Continue reading

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Tour de France still happening

Still going

Still going

The 2014 Tour de France is apparently still going on, despite all the riders having left England two weeks ago.

This year’s race began in Leeds on July 5th and the move to Britain proved a great success, with an estimated 2.5 million spectators lining the route over the opening weekend in order to look at the foreigners in funny clothes. After covering over two hundred miles around Yorkshire the competitors headed for London, before crossing to France the following day, at which point everybody lost interest. Continue reading

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Disappointment as people realise ‘One Direction caned’ wasn’t a punishment

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People in the UK and around the world are said to be ‘disappointed’ to learn that the headline ‘One Direction caned’ wasn’t what they thought.

“I was disgusted when I found out they had been smoking a bit of dope,” one upset music fan told us.

“I was hoping there were caned as a punishment for the crap songs the have inflicted on the world.

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Home heart bypass operations ‘safe’ claims owner of Scalpels-2-U

heart

Black represents the bad bit.

As more and more NHS services are moved from hospitals to the family home, an entrepreneur in Harold is offering door-to-door open heart surgery paraphernalia.

Brian Clutter insists that, just like giving birth, patients prefer a triple bypass in the comfort of their own lounge. And with a hygienic bucket to put any spare wobbly bits in, he promises those that survive will be pleased with the service.

“Basic washing-up liquid and a capful of bleach will clean up even the toughest of residue from a clumsily nicked artery”, claimed Clutter. “And rubbed-in dirt, perhaps from dropping a stray kidney and standing on it, can be shifted by turning the rug over.”
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Guest sermon: Methadonist Minister Paul Flowers preaches forgiveness

flowers

Is it better to forgive, or to forget?

Hello! It’s lovely of you to let me write a sermon for your long-standing and respected institution, let’s hope I don’t end up ruining it completely! I don’t have a lot of experience of not completely destroying everything I touch, but practice makes one even more perfect.

What I want to talk to you about today is something very dear to my heart: forgiveness. Forgiveness is a cornerstone of my faith, and not forgiving someone is nearly the same as doing the thing you haven’t forgiven me for yourself.

For instance, say a fine, upstanding member of the banking community were to accidentally take lots of drugs. Should you forgive them? My faith instinctively tells me ‘yes.’ Because not saying ‘that’s fine Paul, no real harm done, let’s forget it and move on’ means that you have effectively bought Crystal Meth off a rent boy yourself.
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Royal baby boy is born: Duchess of Cambridge gives birth amid doping allegations.

Kate may be stripped of the 'Royal Heir Makers' yellow jersey

Kate may be stripped of the ‘Royal Heir Makers’ yellow jersey

Buckingham Palace have confirmed that the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a baby boy. However, the validity of her labour, and subsequently the baby’s claim to be third in line to the throne have been called into question after initial indications show Kate has failed a doping test.

“We are still waiting for the results from a ‘B’ sample to come back from the lab, but we are sure she gave birth under the influence of pain killers, nitrous oxide and other ‘performance enhancing drugs’” a spokesman for the World Anti-Doping Agency told reporters.

“If the tests are confirmed, she will be stripped of the royal heir makers yellow jersey and receive a world-wide four-year ban from producing babies for any other royal family.”

The news comes just after Chris Froome became the record-breaking second successive clean winner of the Tour De France.

Kensington Palace has denied all claims of doping during the birth and promised to appeal any ban handed down from WADA.

“We are as shocked as anyone else at this result, and promise to conduct a full, internal investigation” the royal gynaecologist told us.

“We are sure she has not willingly taken any substance, but are looking into the possibility a cup of Earl Grey consumed during labour may either have been contaminated with diamorphine, or inadvertently given her an epidural.”

The Palace’s denial of deliberate doping may be questionable as witnesses in the Lindo wing say they heard a female voice scream “Stop prancing round in that f***ing pilot’s uniform and get me some f***ing drugs, NOW.”

In line with drug cheat tradition, we are expecting an easel with the very important announcement of an interview booking to be placed outside Oprah Winfrey’s house.

Royal baby named George. See Wills’ new tattoo…

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Tour de France bans cycling to make event a true test of drugs

Diehard Tour fans get ready to support their favourite drugs

Diehard Tour fans get ready to support their favourite drugs

The world’s most famous testing ground of performance enhancing drugs, the Tour de France, has announced that this year’s event will be totally cycling-free to finally level the playing field for the competing pharmacologists. The Tour is celebrating its hundred year anniversary this year, and officials have vowed that cycling will be totally stamped out, both to maintain the integrity of the drug competition and spare viewers the disturbing sight of French and Italian men wearing Lycra.

Tour de France Director, Christian Prudhomme, said the basic format of the event would remain the same with “riders” completing each stage in a bus and then walking down a finishing chute where they would be tested for testosterone, EPO, and human growth hormone. The leading pharmacologist at the end of each stage would hold the prestigious “yellow syringe”.
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FEATURE: ‘Mending Good’ – the true story of a drug dealer’s tragic descent into teaching

breaking-bad

“Bring me the head of Michael Gove!”

Harold district’s local education authority is struggling to cope with the massive influx of former drug dealers seeking the easy route to riches by secretly entering the teaching profession.

Many drug dealers have come to the conclusion that they could do a better job than the disorganised collection of misfits who currently staff the education system, and by getting into the ‘business’ are finding riches and excitement they could previously only dream of. Such are the rewards available, many dealers are prepared to put up with the danger, drop in status and lowly social position that comes with teaching.
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New track encourages jockeys to get on their high-horse

You can lead a horse to munchies...

You can lead a horse to munchies…

A new racecourse has been announced by a local council looking to take advantage of the recent trend in drugged up horses. The new type of racing will see the animals ‘under the influence’ competing to get to the finish line, where they will be rewarded with some ‘munchies’.

“Most races will be over a mile, but the track will be the widest in the country, allowing the horses to stagger from side to side” Joan Smith, head of ‘The Joan Smith’s Grand National’ project told us. “To ensure sure that all is fair, the jockeys will also be required to be high before taking their charge, which leaves the door open for an early return for Frankie Dettori”
The final 3 Furlongs here…

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Lance Armstrong may compete at primary school’s sports day

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Following his withdrawal from a swimming championship in Texas, Lance Armstrong has been sent an invitation to compete at St Mary’s CofE Primary School’s sports day in May.

The annual event falls outside of the jurisdiction of any anti-drug agencies that have imposed a lifetime ban on all competitive sport for the disgraced cyclist, leaving him free to participate in the parents’ races including the 100 meters dash, the sack race, and the highlight of the day, the elite egg and spoon race.

Read the full story here…

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