Heimlich and Ralph, in happier times
US doctor Henry Heimlich, who invented the manoeuvre used to help victims of choking, has died aged 96 after getting lodged in the throat of a lion who was attempting to eat him.
Dr Heimlich expired in the Lion Enclosure of Cincinnati Zoo late on Saturday night after undertaking an ill-advised bet that he could perform his manoeuvre on an actual lion before the age of 97.
Spectators watched in horror as ‘Ralph’, a 400-lb Kalahari lion seized a clearly drunk Heimlich in its jaws and attempted to swallow him whole. Tragically, the former doctor proved too large to fit comfortably down the animal’s throat, leading to the death of both Heimlich and Ralph.
“It’s what he would have wanted,” sobbed a friend. “Being the actual object which caused a fatal choking incident, it’s just so appropriate, somehow.”
“I imagine his only regret would have been that there wasn’t actually anyone around to perform his manoeuvre on the lion. But you can’t have everything.”
I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths, such as David Cameron and George Osborne
Dr Wollaston, Tory chairman of the Health Select Committee, has clambered aboard the other EU referendum horse and galloped off in the opposite direction.
“It was a shock to find that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove were psychopaths, lying about spending £350 million a week more on the NHS. Who knew?” said Dr Wollaston yesterday. “So I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths such as David Cameron and George Osborne.”
Wollaston was pleased that she could both remain a Tory MP and retain her professional integrity.
“And luckily. my position on the Hippocratic Oath is unaffected. There’s nothing in there about selling off the NHS.”
Hunt: “I’ve been listening” Junior Doctors: “The voices in your own head don’t count”
Jeremy Hunt says his decision to impose a new junior doctors’ contract was primarily intended to make a difference to NHS industrial relations.
“When I took over from Andrew Lansley, some people in the NHS, who should have known better, told me that staff morale couldn’t get any lower. But since then I’ve gone that extra mile – Monday to Friday, school term times only of course – and proved those doubters wrong.” Continue reading
The Nolan family from Harold are recovering in Dunstable General Infirmary today after a quiet evening in front of the telly almost turned to tragedy. Continue reading
One small drop for the NHS, one giant leap for the National Debt.
A Department of Health proposal to reclassify homeopathy as pure cuckoo and so exclude it from NHS spending has come under fire from the alternative therapies industry.
The Department of Health says that there is no scientific evidence to support homeopathy as an effective form of medical treatment and it must be removed entirely from NHS spending. But that is missing the whole point, says local alternative practitioner George Tredinnick.
“It’s a complete category error to want to apply scientific principles to homeopathy, which by its very nature relies on Belief in Magic,” he said. “Unfortunately, Government Ministers have not one tiny drop of imagination between them.”
Fishing isn’t for everyone.
Men who lack the skills to hold down even the simplest of hobbies have been invited to a new support group in Harold.
Held within crawling distance of the walk-in village hospital, the group will meet on Tuesdays when the queue for A&E is at its shortest.
“Phil Evans will give a talk this week on how best to store a severed thumb, after changing the oil on a Morris Minor”, explained Pippa Delaney.
“And Mr Delaney will explain why you never need to wear safety goggles, when using a chisel to prise a woodscrew out of your knee.”
Hunt demonstrates how much he knows about raising staff morale
Tory Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt called the emergency services today, after his foot became jammed in his mouth whilst he explained the rationale behind cutting the pay of junior doctors.
A DoH spokesperson said “The Minister would have preferred to be treated properly, under his BUPA plan. Unfortunately, the ambulance driver became deaf en route and by mistake Continue reading
A drug that can treat bites from tigers and other big cats is still unavailable, doctors have warned.
Despite lacking venom, tigers and some of the spotty ones can still be a nuisance if they sink their teeth into a handy limb.
“It’s not just fur allergies that pose a risk to humans”, said Dr Evans. “The bite itself can cause some discomfort. Although that’s not to say it wouldn’t be prudent to take an antihistamine anyway.”
Following an attack, the victim isn’t always sure what type of cat they’ve fallen victim to, making the need for a universal treatment all the more necessary.
“If you do get bitten, try and pop the animal in a bag and bring it with you”, suggested Evans. “You might get lucky, it may not have been a biting cat at all.”
Test is simple and quick.
A scientist from Harold has launched a home testing kit, allowing people to diagnose whether or not they’re an arsehole.
The condition is widespread and can make those affected insufferable, but until now, it’s been hard to self-diagnose.
Local GP Dr Evans is the brains behind the kit, which he’s expecting to sell in large numbers.
“Not directly to those with arseholism, obviously”, clarified Evans. “None of them have a clue that they’re ill.”
“But work colleagues can chip in and present an arsehole with a test kit, as a hint that there might be a problem.”
Now all we need is a Klingon proof nappy
Technology will soon be available to make traditional births a thing of the past with babies set to be beamed down to their nursery cots instead of expectant mothers having to endure a long and sometimes painful labour.
It is a far cry from Call the Midwife, but local midwife Betty Nunn is convinced that beamed births are the way forward, saving millions of pounds for the National Health Service.
Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.
George Osborne has pledged to eradicate all money problems for poor people after the next election by doing away with all money for poor people. Continue reading
Filed under Badgers, breaking news, charity, Election 2015, Election 2015, Health, Housing, Lifestyle, Medicine, Politics, Society, Troubled Families, Uncategorized
Customers ‘left stunned’ – unlike the animals.
A veterinary surgery that claims to follow halal practices has drawn protests in the village of Harold.
Following guidelines for animal welfare dictated by an angel some 1,400 years ago, the Jamuh Haariat practice treats a range of ailments using only a sharp knife.
“While we could use an anaesthetic, that isn’t specifically mentioned in the Quran”, explained Dr Haariat. “That either means they weren’t invented then, or more likely, Allah forbids them.”
Just say No
Future meetings of the Harold knitting circle have been cancelled following an outbreak of Hepatitis B among the group. Continue reading
“No, really. You’re welcome to it.” [Circle Holdings 2015]
Circle Holdings, the first private firm to manage a NHS hospital, says it’s upset that so many sick people took advantage of a free service “… and thus spoiled it for everyone else”.
The company is so upset that it’s decided to withdraw from Hinchingbrooke hospital but made it clear that it will continue with many other NHS deals. “Some are very profitable,” agreed Circle’s top Money-Wrangler Steve Melton “and in such cases it would clearly be unethical to let the public down.” Continue reading
Iain and Iain are pleased
Iain Duncan Smith has said that he’s “overjoyed” that a man, Darek Fidyka, who was completely paralysed can walk again after an incredible scientific breakthrough as it brings Duncan Smith’s dream of eradicating scroungers significantly closer. Continue reading
The NHS has rolled out a fast-track evacuation service to get patients out of bed and on their way home in a matter of seconds by fitting airplane-style slides to the windows of every hospital. Continue reading
Filed under Medicine, News
Wives and girlfriends are on high alert as reports emerge of an outbreak of ‘man-Ebola’ in the UK. The man-Ebola virus is so debilitating that men have lain stricken on the couch for weeks on end, unable to do anything more than watch Game of Thrones and football on telly.
No, not your vital signs, it’s your stock market performance
Young brain tumour patient Ashya King has arrived in Prague after flying in from Malaga.
The centre reviewed Malaga hospital documents before Ashya travelled but need to see bank statements before determining his suitability for treatment.
Mr King is due to meet doctors at the Proton Therapy Centre to discuss options. A spokesman explained that their specialist intervention is not suitable for everyone, particularly poor people Continue reading
Embarrassed Whitehall chumps have admitted that they ordered vast quantities of software from an antivirus specialist to prevent the nation’s computer systems being destroyed by the Ebola virus, ignorant of the fact that the virus was a human infection.
Last night officials were insisting that the correct procedures had been followed whilst recognising that the antivirus software was “probably ineffective” against the killer virus currently rampaging in West Africa. Continue reading