The reason why everyone in the UK can count to three in Spanish
Today has gotten off to an efficient and unhappy start as breakfast everywhere was served without incident due to a sudden, sad shortage of little waiters from Barcelona.
Every tray had the right amount of butter and all questions were answered properly and not with a ‘Que?’ and a blank look. There were no mishaps, outbreaks of spoon-based violence and absolutely no moose heads. Continue reading
Anarchy in the UK brought to you by Baron Lloyd-Webber of Sydmonton and Baron Fellowes of West Stafford
Satan’s little goblin of plagiarism and inanity, Andrew Lloyd-Webber, has finally succeeded in killing music by writing a musical, School of Rock, about the glory of rock and roll with fellow desiccated hulk, the purveyor of cliché and wet dream fodder for the sort of person who’ll campaign to preserve an old church and to deny entry to the UK to children fleeing a war zone with equal vigor that is Julian Fellowes. Continue reading
Armed robbers who burst into Kim Kardashian’s Paris hotel room got more than they bargained for when the ubiquitous celebrity bombarded them with minute details of her daily routine.
With her bodyguard quickly overpowered and tied up, a brave Kardashian confronted the robbers in the only way she knows how – by oversharing every aspect of her personal life from plucking her eyebrows to oiling her bottom.
George the tortoise: “That bearded prick off the TV”
Noel Edmonds is cautiously optimistic about his new ‘motivational speaking for pets’ service after a pondful of Japanese Koi Carp sang f*ck off” at him in three-part harmony.
George, an elderly tortoise in the same garden, referred to him as “that bearded prick off TV”.
Raechael in happier times
Channel 4’s resident Countdown numbers genius and letters beauty has today announced a break from TV due to crippling Irritable Vowel Syndrome.
The syndrome is suffered silently by thousands and has taken its toll on the popular maths expert with doctors blaming the exposure suffered on the afternoon show.
He’s got the music in him
Veteran Christian apologist and creator of that faun that got everyone a bit moist in the film adaptation, C.S Lewis, has been confirmed as a contestent on this year’s Strictly Come Dancing.
“It’s a real coup for us,” said executive producer Louise Rainbow. “Lots of people know C.S Lewis as one of the greatest minds of the twentieth century who really got to the heart of who we are with books like The Problem of Pain and The Screwtape Letters. What they may be surprised to learn is that he can rumba like a bastard.” Continue reading
Former Smiths front-man Steven “Morrissey” Morrissey spends his days quietly scanning the Times obituary columns for news of Queen Elizabeth II, knowing that when she finally does pass away, his 1986 Album ‘The Queen is Dead’ will most likely be swept to number 1 by a sombre, patriotic nation.
Morrissey practising his mournful look
“We [The Smiths] toyed with the idea of a perennial Christmas song, like Mariah Carey and Wham did, but the market was a bit crowded, so ‘How Soon is Christmas?’ eventually became the track we all know as ‘How Soon is Now?’, and ‘Santa in a Coma’ just got binned,” chirped the happy-go-lucky crooner.
“Then Johnny [Marr] said we should put down a track that played the long game – a little retirement bonus for us if you will – and we bounced around some ideas for blue ocean strategies, where we would be guaranteed to be the go-to track when some inevitable future event happened.”
That track was ‘The Queen is Dead’, and the album of the same name became one of the defining albums of the eighties, but Morrissey expects a revival of its success when the Queen finally does die.
Morrissey points to the boost Prince got when 1999 eventually happened, and the windfall enjoyed by The Primitives following the death of Princess Diana, and chuckles, “This is one set of royalties I’m really looking forward to.”
Spolier alert: Hagrid is Keyser Söze and Ron can see dead people
Tremendous arsehole, Tim Trotman, has said that he is delighted to have been among the first people to see the new Harry Potter play and then to post the whole plot and mobile phone footage of it all over social media.
“Harry Potter’s magic,” he said. “The rush of knowing you’re seeing something new that would delight any child and then ruining it for as many as possible is indescribable. This is how sociopathic Dickens fans who could read fast must’ve felt as they ran through the streets yelling ‘Little Nell’s dead!'”
“They say that Harry Potter’s really for kids and that J.K Rowling’s just in it for the money however I’m forty-five and won’t make a penny off this and I’m having the time of my life.”
Coming up for auction – old, left-handed guitar. Proceeds to hospice funds.
As if the deaths of Bowie, Prince and Frank Sinatra Jnr weren’t enough, now Sultans of Swing rhythm guitarist George has checked out. He was 100 years old and had a reputation for his comprehensive knowledge of guitar chords, or tabs as they are known today.
Shortly before he died, he asked that he be given a quiet funeral. “I do not want to make anybody cry or sing,” he said; “it’s strictly rhythm, so if you must clap, please do so in 6/8 time with occasional syncopated emphasis on the offbeat.”
The care home staff were consoled that that he died doing what he loved, with his heart-rate monitor displaying a steady beat right up to the moment of death. Continue reading
Sod the red sky at night bollocks, what about his gorgeous hair?
Harold’s new weatherman, Nicholas Legolas, has been fired after viewers complained about his “overly dramatic” style.
The handsome blonde, thought to have been employed for his good looks and piercing eyes, often adopted a portentous tone when delivering reports on Harold’s latest meteorological activities.
“He is a lovely looking lad” said Doris Kettle, “with hair like a Pantene advert, mine were never that shiny, not even when I were young. But I don’t need to know about the fumes of Mordor of a morning, I just want to know if I can put me delicates on the line to dry.”
Do not adjust your TV set.
“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it. Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole. Metaphorically speaking.”
Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.
“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President. The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”
“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading
‘David Furnishings’, Littlehampton’s premier homeware and soft fabrics website, has mysteriously gone offline, it was reported today.
Customers had reported difficulties accessing the site over the last few days, and this morning it was completely inaccessible to any customers from the UK, although overseas browsers remained unaffected.
“It’s a disaster, to by honest,” explained proprietor Jeremy David, after whom the business is named. “It seems that only people abroad can see the site at all, and how many customers in Brisbane are going to want to buy a sofa cover from Littlehampton, even it is made from a soft but durable wool/polyester mix? Not many, I’ll tell you that.”
He’s not joking
Rap star Kanye West actually believes the things he says and is not on a massive wind up, according to sources close to the bell-end.
The part-time Hip Hop artist, part-time fashion designer, full-time egotist has been lamenting the fact that he simply does not have enough money to change the world in all the ways that he could, and apparently he’s serious. Continue reading
David Abraham, CEO of Channel 4, has announced that following a spirited but ultimately disappointing attempt to off some publicity hungry has-beens, winter sports reality show The Jump will be replaced by Celebrity Russian Roulette.
“Sadly The Jump simply hasn’t taken off as we’d like,” he said. “Despite our best efforts everyone is still alive. So now it’s time to literally roll out the big guns and see who’s feeling lucky.” Continue reading
“It will only seem like an eternity”
Ending speculation that it might be rested, ITV has delivered the crushing news that X Factor will continue until hell freezes over.
An ITV spokesman dismissed this as pure speculation and confirmed that the contract actually runs to 2017, “so it will only seem like an eternity”.
The Grim Reaper has announced that his project for 2016 is to put together a truly remarkable band in the afterlife.
“I took Lemmy and then thought, hang on, this could be the start of something big so I carried on,” the anthropomorphic personification told us. “After Lemmy for bass I went huge for the front man and got Bowie and now there’s also Dale Griffin on drums and Glenn Frey on lead guitar.”
“A band this awesome needs a hugely charismatic person to introduce them and no one fits the bill like Alan Rickman.” Continue reading
He who must not be President
Movie fan and frightful old bore Donald Trump has expressed outrage that the Hermione character in the new Harry Potter stage production will be played by a muggle actress.
“This is a disgraceful example of these muggles coming here and taking over,” raged Trump today. “Everyone knows that Hermione is magical, far more so than some of the other actors, like that guy who plays Neville, for example.”
“This new one, I saw her in Midsomer Murders, and she wasn’t in the least bit magical. I think people are going to be pretty unhappy.”
“Not like that lovely Emma Watson. She can make Polyjuice Potion, and her Patronus is an otter.”
It’s everywhere but not here. Enjoy.
And who gives a rat’s arse whether the Force is with you or not? Continue reading