Monthly Archives: July 2015

by | July 20, 2015 · 11:00 am

Chimney sweep accused of cynically exploiting ‘Bring a Kid to Work’ day

Chimney SweepsA local Harold chimney sweep says it was purely a coincidence he was hosting a class of 9 year olds for ‘Bring a Kid to Work’ day on the same day he had a number of extremely narrow chimneys to clean.

“People can believe what they want, but the truth is I had completely forgotten I was due to clean the exceptionally narrow chimneys on the terraced row on Gluggle Street” said Little Scamps owner Ernie Evans. “After all, those Gluggle chimneys were last cleaned in 2012 when I hosted room 4 for the 100th anniversary of Charles Dickens’ death, so it’s not surprising it slipped my mind.”
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by | · 1:31 am

One at a time: Guardian on mission to declare everything in known universe racist

adorable-baby-cat-cute-kitten-favim-com-284524

If you have to ask whether or not Mister Superpaws is racist, you’re part of the problem

It’s already ticked tea, Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds, barbecues, universities, beaches, spoons, and hair off the list (guess how many of those we made up) and though it has along way to go the Guardian is determined to see through its mission to declare absolutely everything racist.

“I’m confident we can do it,” editor Katharine Viner told us. “We used to do proper investigative journalism but by focussing on this we can just pay a few freelancers to sit in their kitchens and endlessly pump out daft opinion pieces. It certainly saves money.” Continue reading →

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by | July 18, 2015 · 11:11 am

Palace forced to defend Queen’s links with evil dictator

queen-murdoch

The young Queen in more innocent times, enjoying a nazi salute with ‘Uncle Rupert’

Buckingham Palace has been forced to defend the Queen after it emerged that pictures of Her Majesty had been published in The Sun newspaper, owned by the evil tyrant Rupert Murdoch.

Members of the public were shocked today to find out that Queen Elizabeth had appeared in the reviled pages of the detested publication, forcing palace officials to hastily issue a statement insisting that the appearance of the photograph was an innocent event which had been blown out of all proportion.

“The photograph was taken a long time ago,” claimed a spokesperson, “When many people just didn’t realise how evil The Sun really was. Being a naive 89-year-old, the Queen simply didn’t understand what it meant to be linked to Rupert Murdoch, and we would like to assure everyone that she is not, and has never been, a grubby far-right bucket of sleaze. There are plenty of other people in the royal family to take care of all that.” Continue reading →

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by | July 17, 2015 · 11:00 am

Government unveils new national uniform for public sector workers.

min

I didn’t like it at first, but it Gru on me.

Iain Duncan Smith has today launched the new national dress code for all public sector workers.

The fetching blue and yellow combo comes complete with sturdy safety goggles and is designed to ensure anyone with a menial job and no future prospects such as council road sweepers, traffic wardens, hospital porters, bin men, bus drivers and the like will no longer be mistaken for someone significant like, say, a middle manager, an accountant or a civil servant. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

‘Drunk squirrel’ wrecks bar, spends fortune on porn

drunk squirrel

Squirrel also assaulted PC Flegg.

A pub in Harold has been vandalised by a ‘drunk squirrel’, which went on to clone a credit card and watch pornography.

The incident was discovered by the landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms, after he returned from a mushroom exploring course in the woods.

“Yeah, it was definitely a squirrel, and it was off its head”, said Eddie. “The little scamp had eaten all the peanuts, and accidentally knocked a beer tap to ‘on’.”

“Then it apparently opened a bottle of wine, using its little squirrel hands to operate a cork screw. And then it made an electronic copy of my credit card, and watched some appalling filth.”
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by | July 16, 2015 · 6:18 pm

Jeremy Hunt yet to decide on which 7 days the NHS will be open in 2016

jeremyhunt2

This is how much I value doctors

Doctors’ trade union, the BMA is confused by Jeremy Hunt’s call for a 7 day service “We expected Mr Hunt to take much longer to reduce the scope of the NHS” said BMA chair Dr Mark Porter today “but we’re hoping the 7 days are in the winter, excluding Christmas & New Year”.

Hunt is generally pleased with the number of doctors baling out of the NHS or retiring early but thinks there is more he can do. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

For sale: Water cannon. Genuine reason for sale

boris johnson

For a few horrible moments, Boris thought the £328,883 was coming out of his own pocket

For sale, any reasonable offer considered.

Audi, BMW and Mercedes not quite cutting it at the golf club? Try out the Wasserwerfer 9000 and water the greens at the same time ‘Springwater durch technik’.

Due to circumstances beyond my control [!] offers are invited for three much-loved water cannon, unexpectedly surplus to requirements. Very low mileage. Finished in sparkling, completely unmarked Metropolitan Police livery.

Could be delivered in time for a Reggae-based August Bank Holiday street carnival.

Inherently dangerous so would suit minor dictator with political ambition, high-functioning sociopath or Alton Towers.

Interested? Then contact:

Boris Johnson
Mayor of London
City Hall
London SE1 2AA

(Note change of address from 2019: 10 Downing St, London SW1A 2AA)

 

 

 

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by | July 15, 2015 · 11:00 am

Dog walkers harassed by feral vicar

feral vicar

‘White Neck’ can also lick his own gentiles.

A number of late-night dog walkers have been blessed against their will, by the notorious Feral Vicar of Harold.

Known to locals simply as ‘White Neck’, but probably Nigel Rollins who went missing in 1987, the vicar has left a reddy trail of cheap wine across the playground, particularly on and around the swings.

White Neck was raised by a pack of fallow Rabbis as a child, who found him abandoned after a kite crash in the municipal gardens.
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by | · 2:35 am

‘They’ll take it out on someone’: badgers fear attack from government denied chance to twat foxes

Eurasian Badger Relaxing

This one’s so scared it’s forgotten how to badger

Badgers across England are today living in fear of becoming the victims of a reprisal attack from a government which reacts to the word ‘no’ about as well as a spoilt toddler who’s just asked for more sweets.

“Fair play to the foxes,” said Furry Rita, spokesbadger for the Harold Wood colony, “we’re glad it’s worked out for them but now the Tories’ll be looking to save face and viciously off something else. They’ll take it out on someone and their traditional prey, miners, seems to have gone extinct.” Continue reading →

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by | July 14, 2015 · 3:14 pm

Clearest pictures yet of Pluto captured by local man standing on a dustbin

lampA brave local amateur astronomer who has captured his best ever photograph of demoted planet Pluto following a hazardous mission, has claimed the risks of clambering onto a dustbin in the middle of the night for a better view were well worth taking.

“Despite the risks, I’m delighted with the photographs,” Gerald Snoad said last night after coming out of a ten day period quarantine as a precaution against deep space contamination. “It just goes to show what you can do with some meticulous planning.”

“I believe my photos have captured the loneliness of Pluto, which is essentially an insignificant dot on the horizon, just beyond the Dunstable by-pass.”

It could so easily have been different.  The successful space shot was almost aborted when the council delivered a new wheelie bin to Mr Snoad’s Harold based mission control HQ. Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

Pluto ‘just a big ball of window keys and phone chargers’

Pluto

Is that one for the conservatory? Or the suitcase under the bed?

A space probe has revealed that the dwarf planet Pluto is 35% window keys, and could contain up to 700,000 tonnes of phone chargers.

“For years now, scientists have been searching for the universe’s ‘missing mass'”, revealed NASA’s Chuck Weiner.

“So far we’ve looked in a fruit bowl, the last place we had it, and that drawer in the kitchen with the instructions for resetting the clock on the microwave.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Greek PM hailed as ‘true European’ after completely ignoring referendum

tsipras

“oopsie.”

Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras has been greeted as a ‘true European’, after entirely ignoring the will of his people.

Despite a referendum vote to reject a punitive settlement, Tsipras agreed to a more punitive one so that some Germans would like him.

“This is exactly what the European Union is all about”, said EU president Claude Juncker. “We ask the people, and then we listen to the banks.”
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by | July 13, 2015 · 9:10 pm

Nasa probe finally measures Piers Morgan’s ego

piersmorganagain

His nostrils follow you round the room

Piers Morgan’s ego has just been found to be ever so slightly bigger than previously thought, having a diameter of 2,370km.

The measurement was made by the New Horizons probe which is about to flyby the massive bell-end.

Although Nasa’s probe is programmed to measure infinitesimally small objects it may still be unable to register what Morgan knows about phone hacking, dodgy share-dealing or successfully hosting a chat show.

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by | · 11:00 am

Man City agree £2.75m fee for bag of Monster Munch

Paying for potential

Paying for potential

Fresh from finally securing the transfer of Raheem Sterling from Liverpool, Manchester City have agreed to pay Tesco £2.75m for a bag of pickled onion Monster Munch.

City’s expert negotiators stopped off at a Tesco Express after a hard day thrashing out just how far over the odds they would pay for Sterling, and picked up the crisps. After a brief conversation with the store manager they agreed to hand over £2.75m, with a further £500k subject to appearances, for the pickled onion flavoured snack, which has a retail price of just 60p. Continue reading →

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by | July 11, 2015 · 7:30 am

Your dog is annoyed by that stupid voice you do for it, finds science

dog

“I do NOT sound like that, you bipedal twat.”

Your dog is deeply offended by that ridiculous voice you do for it, and would kill you if only it was bigger.

That’s the finding of a leading scientist in the field of anthropomorphology, who made the discovery using a spaniel with brain wires.

“When your dog is looking at you, while you hold a tennis ball for a bit too long, it isn’t saying ‘throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball'”, said Professor Janet Fernandez.

“What it’s actually thinking is ‘you stupid bald monkey, this is lasting seven times longer for me. And if you don’t project The Orb of Joy NOW I will happily bite you’.”
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by | July 10, 2015 · 7:00 am

BBC loses rights to The Archers

ambridge

Ambridge, towards the end of Season 1.

In a major coup for the satellite broadcaster, popular soap opera ‘The Archers’ is moving to Sky from November.

Despite being a staple of Radio 4 for the past 64 years, the drama will now be televised exclusively on Sky Ambridge HD.

“You read that right, you’ll be able to gaze upon a Grundy for the first time”, said director Alan Rothskid. “But only in the first episode, when they’re evicted to make way for a golf course.”
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by | July 9, 2015 · 4:21 am

Labour’s opposition to welfare cuts in full

sgMXV

Chillaxing: contagious across the political spectrum

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by | July 8, 2015 · 1:05 pm

Osborne says lazy poor should eat their own babies

junior lobsterUK Chancellor George Osborne says it is about time lazy poor people ate their own babies, rather than relying on Tories to do it for them.

“For far too long, hard-working Tories have had to shoulder the baby-eating responsibilities” said Osborne as he feasted on a Bolton toddler’s succulent thigh.
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by | · 12:07 pm

Chancellor: this will hurt you more than… actually it’s just going to hurt

cameron-osborne-laughing

George and Dave listen to Labour’s response

The first Tory budget since 1996 aims for rich people to keep more of the cash they’ve got from poor people. “We’ve a lot of years to make up but it’s much much more than just revenge.” insists George Osborne.

“It’s also about stopping the poor getting any of the cash that belongs to us. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Tube drivers commemorate day London got moving by going on strike

train driver

Drivers undergo exhaustive training.

London’s tube train drivers are marking the tenth anniversary of the day London defiantly got moving again, by defiantly staying in bed.

With a paltry £2.5k bonus and a 2 percent payrise to top up their meagre £50k salary on offer, rail workers claimed it wasn’t enough to stop them treating their customers with utter contempt.

“It’s tradition”, said Terence Cockney, who is employed to sit down near a lever. “We always strike at Christmas, bank holidays or when it causes the most offence.”
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