Tag Archives: Evening Harold

by | February 7, 2014 · 11:00 am

Winter Olympics and smug Facebook posts about boycotting them begin

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Look how hard it is to boycott something that’s on at 5:00 am.

As the Winter Olympics are officially opened in Sochi this afternoon it heralds the start not just of days of thrilling winter sports but also of people posting smug Facebook updates about not watching them.

We asked one such poster why they felt the need to do this. “I want everyone to know that I’m really aware of gay rights and stuff,” replied Harold resident Jason Beesley. “Plus if I come across as sensitive maybe women will want to sleep with me.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Unleash hell! Britain overwhelmingly pro-war now the Taliban’s kidnapped a dog

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If the Taliban steal the British Army’s kittens as well then polls indicate that 98% of us would advocate the use of nuclear weapons.

Britain has become overwhelmingly pro-war overnight following the news that the Taliban has kidnapped one of the British Army’s bomb disposal dogs after it was loaned to US Special Forces.

“I didn’t really care about the war,” said Harold resident Melanie Delaney. “I’m mean it’s been going on for so long, like I was in junior school when it started, but now the Taliban have kidnapped a dog we should totally kill them all.” Continue reading →

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by | February 6, 2014 · 7:00 am

‘Nazi-MP’ steps down: ‘Tories too right wing for me’

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The Conservative MP at the heart of a Nazi-party controversy has announced he will step down from his position saying even he thought “the party was drifting further right than the Third Reich”.

“I may have bought Nazi costumes but I didn’t realise there was a serious risk they would become standard uniform,” Aidan Burley said.

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by | February 5, 2014 · 11:00 am

Oscar nominations dominated by people’s bloody Facebook movies

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We can’t get enough of them!

A shock late rush of Oscar nominations has been announced, consisting entirely of a large selection of those fascinating “My Facebook movie” movies.

These videos are automatically generated by Facebook from a fairly random choice out of all the photos and words you’ve ever posted on the site.

As you’d expect from Facebook, the quality of the resulting movies is so outstanding that the Oscar judges have been obliged to cancel the nominations for all the ‘traditional’ movies this year, replacing them with the artistically superior Facebook ones.

Upcoming Oscar host Ellen DeGeneres spoke today of her joy that ‘American Hustle’, ‘Gravity’ and ‘Captain Phillips’ are being replaced by Melanie Delaney’s uncompromising ‘My Facebook Movie’, Kevin Ronsson’s enchanting ‘My Facebook Movie’, and experimental art-house/Dogme epic ‘My Facebook Movie’ from Simon Kettle (aged 14). Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Iain Duncan Smith stops all benefits for flood scroungers

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Having a bit of trouble getting in is no reason not to attend work.

Iain Duncan Smith has stopped all benefits for people living in flooded areas after branding them all scroungers.

“Just because your home and community are underwater that’s no reason not to be making a contribution to society like millions of hard-working tax-payers up and down the country,” the Secretary for Work and Pensions said. “It has come to my attention that those in receipt of benefits and living in the worst hit areas for flooding are responsible for shockingly high rates of workplace and job centre absenteeism and this is unacceptable.” Continue reading →

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by | February 4, 2014 · 7:49 pm

Howzat! Pietersen out after 13797 runs

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The ECB have sacked England’s highest ever run-scorer in order to…er…score more runs. More on this story should it ever make sense.

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by | · 2:30 pm

Tragedy narrowly averted as huge sinkhole opens up under Michael Gove

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Narrow escape for all of us

Locals were celebrating a ‘lucky escape’ this morning as a sinkhole measuring 50 meters deep opened up without warning in High Wycombe, completely swallowing up Michael Gove.

Locals woke up in the village of Walter’s Ash to find the enormous hole had appeared over night. It was not realised that Gove had been visiting the village until one householder noticed his ego just visible over the edge of the huge pit.

“It’s a miracle no damage was done,” said a Buckinghamshire Fire Services spokesman. “I’ve got kids at a local state school, and I can’t stress enough what a lucky escape they’ve had.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Olympics over for Rover: Stray dogs executed in Sochi after Putin sees one “being a bit gay”

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Dimitri and Vyacheslav’s is a forbidden love

Vladimir Putin has personally ordered that thousands of stray dogs be exterminated in and around Sochi before the Winter Olympics begin after spotting one “being a bit gay” on an inspection of Fishst Olympic Stadium. Continue reading →

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by | February 3, 2014 · 6:56 am

IDS: “will squeeze benefits spongers”

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‘Disabled claimants could work from home’ : IDS

Under COBRA emergency powers, Ian Duncan Smith will soon deploy benefit claimants in the battle against rising flood levels. “The Prime Minister asked me to try to sink the unsinkable” the charismatic Work & Pensions Secretary announced today “and my next logical move is to use claimants’ innate spongy-ness for the public’s good”. 

Starting next week, long-term benefit claimants will lie down in flooded areas, sop up moisture until they are fully saturated, then go home to dry off overnight. “Research has shown that poor people don’t move very much anyway,” says IDS “nearly 40% of them are inactive, exercising less than 30 minutes a week. This way, they’ll simply exchange a stained sofa for a soggy field contaminated with sewage. In practice they’ll find very little difference”. Continue reading →

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by | February 2, 2014 · 10:00 am

Remember the good times: Desperate England sends Scotland a playlist of their greatest hits together

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We have so much in common. Everyone in England also thinks John Brown and Queen Victoria totally did the filth.

Drunk and emotional, a sobbing England last night made Scotland a specially selected playlist of their greatest hits together in a desperate bid to rekindle the passion and ensure that Scotland won’t break England’s heart in September’s independence referendum.

“We’ve been together since 1707,” England slurred. “S’long time and we’ve made it work, haven’t we? We’ve had good times. Brilliant times! There was the Empire, we did that together, you and me taking over the world. And what about haggis? Invented in Lancashire and then you took it to another level: that’s teamwork.” Continue reading →

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by | February 1, 2014 · 11:47 am

Great Barrier Reef ‘to become enormous sewage farm’

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Oh look, a floater!

The Australian government has defended its controversial decision to approve the construction of an enormous sewage treatment plant on top of the entire Barrier Reef. Prime Minister Tony Abbott’s Liberal Party government have not made the environment their top priority, but few expected them to cover the world’s largest coral reef system in human excrement so soon after coming to power.

Great Barrier Reef Marine Park Authority chairman, Dr Russell Reichelt, said he recognised the amount of debate and community concern the project had generated, but wanted to assure the public that “only the finest human faeces will be chosen to be dumped on the reef, along with specially-selected soiled nappies and sanitary products.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:55 am

Miliband reduces unions’ power to stop them voting for him again

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Ed Miliband, leader of the Labour Party has vowed to reform the way the party choses its leader to prevent the mistakes that stopped his brother taking charge.

It was because of the unions’ powerful votes that Miliband took the helm of the party despite the majority of party members preferring his brother David, a shock result that Ed himself described as ‘a travesty’.

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by | January 31, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Transfer deadline day excitement leads to public panic buying footballers

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With football’s transfer deadline day upon us again, the whole country waits with bated breath to see who multi-millionaire footballers will be employed by tomorrow. But this year’s deadline day coverage is expected to reach such excitable levels there are fears that the public may start panic buying footballers.

“I watched Sky Sports News’ coverage for four hours this morning,” Simon Delaney, Harold resident and proud new owner of three Premier League players told us.

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by | January 30, 2014 · 7:00 am

Damascus Idol: UK to choose Syrian refugees via new Simon Cowell show

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A man who’s had so much surgery and botox he’s turning into his own haunted waxwork dummy.

Theresa May announced yesterday that Britain is to take up to five hundred Syrian refugees but insisted that the government will retain the right to choose who it lets in. The Home Secretary acknowledged that whittling down the estimated 2.5 million refugees to just the five hundred deemed worthy of exposure to Chicken Cottage, Richard Littlejohn and The One Show will be tough and confirmed that the actual selection process will be undertaken by Simon Cowell and broadcast every Saturday and Sunday in ITV for the next six months. Continue reading →

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by | January 29, 2014 · 7:00 am

Global warming is forcing polar bears to drive buses in Scotland

Polar Bear bus driverDriven by the threat of the melting Arctic ice cap, beleaguered polar bears are being forced to abandon their natural habitat and adapt to new environments.

Many of the highly intelligent creatures have migrated to North America where, after a quick makeover, they are integrating into the native Brown and Grizzly Bear population. Others, as they head south, are finding themselves on the shores of Scotland where they are quickly settling into local communities.

The bears seem to have been able to slip into the country with little difficulty. “Poles, polar bears, and Romanians. They’re all the same as far as I’m concerned,” said one immigration official. “If they’re white, hairy and speak unintelligibly, they have to be allowed in.” Continue reading →

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by | January 28, 2014 · 11:00 am

Queen to save money and boost income by auctioning off Prince Charles

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Under increasing pressure to reduce costs and boost income into the royal household, the Queen and Prince Philip are rumoured to be considering auctioning off some of their assets, starting with Prince Charles.

“The idea came while the Queen was taking in her daily fix of Bargain Hunt,” her spokesman said.

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by | January 27, 2014 · 5:15 pm

He was too clever for us: Oxford students defend their braying support for Godfrey Bloom as he insulted disabled student.

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Oxford University at night

Oxford students who attended last night’s Oxford Union debate during which Ukip MEP Godfrey Bloom interrupted a student to ask “are you Richard III or not” in clear reference to that student’s physical disability have today defended their braying reaction in support of Bloom’s comment by saying that he was too clever for them. Continue reading →

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by | · 1:24 pm

‘Unfair criticism drove me to tears’ sobs Ofsted chief

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Wilshire now routinely wears a heavy disguise to reduce his unpopularity

Teachers’ leaders expressed support today for Sir Michael Wilshire, the embattled boss of Ofsted. Wilshire has recently been briefed against by zealous acolytes of pasty-faced Secretary of State for Education, Michael Gove.

“It’s not like criticising someone relentlessly is going to make them do a better job, is it?”  Wilshire had demanded tearfully of a clearly embarrassed BBC interviewer Bill Turnbull on this morning’s ‘Breakfast’ show “Where’s the fairness in that?” he snuffled from behind a hankie “Everyone will think I’m a clown”. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Syria peace talks breakthrough – both sides agree Blair can sod off

The fist of history biffs Blair in the face

The fist of history biffs Blair in the face

It seemed impossible but after only seven days of intensive talks at UN Geneva Headquarters there was unilateral agreement after both sides agreed that UN peace envoy, Tony Blair, should keep his nose out of the peace talks.

Waiting press were first alerted to the possibility of a surprise announcement when a UN aide hurried out the building, returning a few minutes later clutching a glasses and a magnum of champagne. This was enough to baffle seasoned observers, but when news leaked out that Tony Blair may have been at the centre of things, there was widespread disbelief that his involvement could have had such a positive effect.

UN mediator, Lakhdar Brahimi, explained how the historic breakthrough was achieved. Continue reading →

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by | January 26, 2014 · 8:08 pm

Beatles to perform at Grammys: fears of Hey Jude lasting at least 20 minutes continue to grow

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We think they should do a mash-up of their two greatest songs and wow the crowd with Octopus’s Chorus.

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