Embarrassed Whitehall chumps have admitted that they ordered vast quantities of software from an antivirus specialist to prevent the nation’s computer systems being destroyed by the Ebola virus, ignorant of the fact that the virus was a human infection.
Last night officials were insisting that the correct procedures had been followed whilst recognising that the antivirus software was “probably ineffective” against the killer virus currently rampaging in West Africa. Continue reading
Today there’d be a huge social media campaign including tweets from Prince Harry telling people to enlist
As conflicts in Gaza, Syria and many other places continue to rage, the West is commemorating WWI with fondness for an era when soldiers wore neat and tidy uniforms and blew up other mainly white men with the minimum of fuss. Continue reading
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Tony Blair the oil painting: they say the self-righteousness follows you around the room
An ex-employee of the Tony Blair Faith Foundation, Martin Bright, has written about his former boss’ bizarre behaviour in a new book. Inside the foundation’s base, a posh tower block in the West End known as The Messiah Complex, Blair exposes staff to shocking scenes. Continue reading
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Size of Deep Web explained: imagine that all you can see of William here is the part of the web that shows up in Google searches, the rest of him is that which does not.
The Deep Web long home to hackers and gun-sellers, conspiracy theorists and drug dealers is under threat not from GCHQ or the FBI but the British middle class.
“It’s a nightmare,” said Harold resident seventeen year old Simon Delaney. “I thought the Deep Web was going to be full of really brilliant porn not my bloody parents going on about vegetables.” Continue reading
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Ben doing what he (very, very briefly) loved.
People across the spectrum of animal training have acknowledged the tragic demise of Harold’s first ‘shark whisperer’.
Benjamin Evans always insisted that sharks were misunderstood, despite being giant, stupid fish full of razor-sharp teeth. Eschewing the shark cage in favour of speaking quite softly, Evans’ technique was radically different from the accepted norm.
Evans developed his technique after winning a goldfish in an online game of poker. As soon as it arrived, the expert felt drawn to the animal, and instinctively knew that it definitely spoke English.
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Filed under Around Harold, Nature
Clarence, a foreign angel (now with wings)
Ukip in Glastonbury has come under fire for employing angels and galactic beings none of which are residents of the United Kingdom. There have been resignations in the local party amid allegations that it’s being overrun by occultists who are working with supernatural entities that use the euro and have banned imperial weights and measures in their suspiciously keen-on-garlic-but-not-real-ale celestial home. Continue reading
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Once made a film about being a boxer. Clearly learned nothing
Orlando Bloom has broken the hearts of his legions of fans, and disappointed everyone else, by failing to give Justin Bieber a decent slap when the opportunity arose. Having been insulted by Satan’s pop-meerkat, Bloom allegedly tried to punch him but failed to connect his blow leaving Bieber unscathed. Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment
Now we can all do this of an evening instead, whatever this actually is
There has been an unusual outbreak of happiness in Harold following the government’s decision to switch the internet off every evening in a bid to drive down energy consumption.
“I was afraid that I’d be lonely without the net at night,” local undertaker Carmen Hilton told us. “But now instead of slumping in front of Facebook either mocking or being jealous of one or two friends and dozens of random people I don’t know but friended anyway, I slump on my front step and feel the same about passers-by. It’s lovely, I’ve never had so much fresh air.”
“Having my own opinions is weird,” teen and enthusiastic gamer Simon Delaney confessed. “I mean if you watch something on TV and no one’s tweeting about it at the same time is it really happening, yeah? And I really missed playing Call of Duty before bed then I worked out screaming racial and homophobic slurs at the dog was just as much fun.”
Although the switch-off has not been in place long enough to have produced any data anecdotal evidence suggests that people are sleeping better and that newsagents nationwide have been given a boost due to the massive rise in sales of porn magazines.
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Yeah, it looks okay but is there a Nandos?
The massive expansion in fracking in the UK has had a dramatic effect on the property market. Within minutes of the government announcing that fracking will be allowed to take place anywhere their chums wish to frack the rest of the population began moving to Chipping Norton. Continue reading
Filed under environment, Politics
He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very spineless boy
After last Sunday’s sell-out success by Monty Python, the Liberal Democrats have announced that before they get annihilated in the general election they too are going to say goodbye to fans with a show at the O₂.
“Critics are saying that it will be embarrassing and that we are simply not up to performing at this level,” said Nick Clegg at a press conference today. “But we intend to put on a hell of a show. Vince Cable is practising his dancing, and Danny Alexander can’t wait to drag-up as an hugely unconvincing member of the Cabinet and talk nonsense in a stupid voice once again.” Continue reading
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Makes as much sense as the property price bubble
The news that the economy is back to pre-financial crash levels has been revealed not as a triumph of economic policy but simply because of the loom band epidemic. Continue reading
Yes, Ed, we rather think that they will
Sorry Usain, daddy couldn’t make it.
Scotland are holding a huge sports day in Glasgow and for some reason expect this to be of great interest to people, and for spectators to consist of more than just the parents and teachers of the competitors.
Traditional sports day events such as the egg and spoon race, three-legged race and tug-of-war have been replaced with a load of cycling and running and stuff, and people are being asked to pay for tickets. Continue reading
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A dragon relaxing on a beach. All the decent dragon images were copyrighted so we did our best. A dragon. It is a dragon. A dragon is what it is.
Israel has stepped up its ground offensive in Gaza following intelligence reports that Hamas is stockpiling dragon eggs in schools and hospitals.
“We believe this to be totally credible information,” said Benjamin Netanyahu. “We’ve also learned that Hamas all have tails and are responsible for Freddos no longer costing only ten pence.” Continue reading
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“At least I’ve more hair than my Dad”
There was shock and disappointment amongst Royal well-wishers when it emerged that the hundreds of thousands birthday cards sent to Prince George are never actually seen by the Royals.
Caught off guard after an afternoon stocktaking in the Royal cellars, a loose tongued flunky revealed a number of secrets from the Royal household to our undercover Evening Harold reporter.
“Those well-meaning morons think their cards are personally opened by William and Kate in with baby George chewing the envelopes and gurgling with delight,” he told us. Continue reading
Ex-BNP leader Nick Griffin: if only all unspeakable gits were this easy to spot
Despite it being one of their favourite sayings the BNP have proved that they don’t all look the same by voting in a new leader who doesn’t look like the villain in the most rubbish pantomime ever. Continue reading
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Still going
The 2014 Tour de France is apparently still going on, despite all the riders having left England two weeks ago.
This year’s race began in Leeds on July 5th and the move to Britain proved a great success, with an estimated 2.5 million spectators lining the route over the opening weekend in order to look at the foreigners in funny clothes. After covering over two hundred miles around Yorkshire the competitors headed for London, before crossing to France the following day, at which point everybody lost interest. Continue reading
“Moi, out of touch?”
Gaffe prone Labour leader Ed Miliband has done it again by demanding that Russia are expelled from the Commonwealth Games as a reprisal for the shooting down of flight MH17, apparently ignorant of the fact that Russian aren’t a member of the Commonwealth.
Speaking off the cuff at a Labour fundraising event, Miliband seized the opportunity to demonstrate his grip on foreign policy when a supporter mentioned the anguish of the bereaved still awaiting the return of loved ones
“It is time for tough action,” said the doomed leader firmly. “If David Cameron were a real statesman, he’d immediately expel Russia from the Commonwealth Games,” adding, “in fact it’s amazing that this hasn’t been done this already.” Continue reading
Filed under International News, News, Politics
These people have never paid less than £4 for a cup of coffee in their lives.
The process of making every community in the UK full of boutique coffee places, vinyl record shops, and self-styled creative hubs, but nowhere you can buy batteries or pants, has ground to a halt due to a shortage of hipsters.
Harold couple Oofy and Lysander Eastof say they are sad that they won’t be joined in the village by more people like them. Continue reading
Sewing club has moved to a new venue.
A pub in Harold has banned customers from starting their sentences with the word ‘so’, in a crack-down on pseudo-scientific intellectualism.
On the bar of the Squirrel Lickers Arms a ‘So’ box now stands, replacing the well-rattled swears jar. And it’s already beginning to fill up, according to Eddie the landlord. He explained how he got the idea.
“So I noti…b****cks”, said Eddie, flipping a coin into the container. “I noticed a lot of people in here think they can sound all knowledgeable and reasonable, just by adding the offending word to the beginning of any old shite”, he explained.
“So I took the…oh for f***s sake…(*chink*)…I took the initiative and decided to fine people for their cod GCSE chemistry report cock-whiskery. I won’t have people in here turning the air litmus blue.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, science
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