Relief as internet turned off every night at seven pm

Now we can all do this of an evening instead, whatever this actually is

There has been an unusual outbreak of happiness in Harold following the government’s decision to switch the internet off every evening in a bid to drive down energy consumption.

“I was afraid that I’d be lonely without the net at night,” local undertaker Carmen Hilton told us. “But now instead of slumping in front of Facebook either mocking or being jealous of one or two friends and dozens of random people I don’t know but friended anyway, I slump on my front step and feel the same about passers-by. It’s lovely, I’ve never had so much fresh air.”

“Having my own opinions is weird,” teen and enthusiastic gamer Simon Delaney confessed. “I mean if you watch something on TV and no one’s tweeting about it at the same time is it really happening, yeah? And I really missed playing Call of Duty before bed then I worked out screaming racial and homophobic slurs at the dog was just as much fun.”

Although the switch-off has not been in place long enough to have produced any data anecdotal evidence suggests that people are sleeping better and that newsagents nationwide have been given a boost due to the massive rise in sales of porn magazines.