Fury as Deep Web overrun by the middle class


Size of Deep Web explained: imagine that all you can see of William here is the part of the web that shows up in Google searches, the rest of him is that which does not.

The Deep Web long home to hackers and gun-sellers, conspiracy theorists and drug dealers is under threat not from GCHQ or the FBI but the British middle class.

“It’s a nightmare,” said Harold resident seventeen year old Simon Delaney. “I thought the Deep Web was going to be full of really brilliant porn not my bloody parents going on about vegetables.”

Simon’s parents Dom and Pippa Delaney own local cafe Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! and have been sourcing their ingredients from the Deep Web for a couple of years.

“It’s particularly good for sprouts,” Pippa Delaney enthused. “Online shopping is so much easier when it’s delivered by Mexicans in SUVs with blacked-out windows.”

“We were at a dinner party in Chelsea with some of Dom’s old chums from the City and I said to the host ‘these strawberries are delicious, darling, where did you get them?’ and she replied ‘Oh these? I get them off the Deep Web. We’ve been shopping with bitcoins and kugerrands for years.’”

“After that Dom and me have been using it constantly. It’s sort of like Ocado only a touch more us.”

The rise of middle-class Deep Web use has led to Cath Kidston creating a lovely patterned tape for them to cover-up their webcams and huge sales of charming mugs and t-shirts emblazoned with the legend Keep Calm and Turn Off Cookies and JavaScript.

It had been thought that the sheer size of the Deep Web which is believed to be some 98% bigger than the surface web would prevent it from being manipulated by any one group of people. And yet is now believed to be wholly dominated by the middle class whose influence can be seen in the fact the whole thing will soon be subscription only and dominated by offers for wine clubs and joining the RSPB.


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