Tag Archives: David Cameron

PM dismisses Cluedo finding: “It was Reverend Green! In the Larder. With the tax-avoiders”

Fall crucifix, fall!

preaching about the love of money on Sundays and Monday to Friday

David Cameron has defended former Trade Minister Lord Green, who’s behaviour as a boss at ‘The world’s local money laundry’ has been criticised simply because HSBC as a whole were a bunch of corporate chumps.

“Look, Stephen Green only came aboard after a full integrity-vetting from Andy [Coulson]. Then I gave him a fancy title, so he didn’t have to go through all that tiresome ‘being elected’ nonsense. And a job helping businesses to earn money we didn’t have because his previous company helped people to hide money from HMRC. Do I mean HMRC? Or is that HSBC? Oh well.”

The Prime Minister went on “Thieving bastards? No, not at all. And thieving is such a subjective term don’t you think?.”

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Tories and UKIP agree joint custody of he’s-foreign-born-so-we’re-not-a-racist-party MEP, Amjad Bashir.

10422400_10153213970213149_1811893741864321207_nFollowing his move in 2012 from the Conservative Party to UKIP, and then his more recent move from UKIP to the Conservative party, David Cameron and Nigel Farage have finally agreed a joint custody deal of the he’s-foreign-born-so-we’re-not-a-racist-party MEP, Amjad Bashir.

“It’s been a long battle, but we have decided that it will be so much easier to claim some of our best friends are foreign if we have him during the week and UKIP have him at weekends,” Prime Minister and Tory leader David Cameron said.
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‘There is a right to cause offence’, says Dish-Face Dave

Fat Dave utilising his right to cause offence

Fat Dave utilising his right to cause offence

‘There is a right to cause offence in a free society’, said Britain’s muttering idiot David Cameron. Fat Dave made his comments in an interview on US television, while relying on cue cards to make sure he got his words in the right order.

Dish-Face Dave was probably talking about comments the Pope had made about punching people in the nose who make fun of religion, but you never know with the dopey twat. He might have said ‘there is a right to cause offence’ to excuse his corpulent flatulence.
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Cameron to be replaced in debate by Cowardly Lion

Cameron-DebateThe Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz has stepped in to replace David Cameron in the televised election debates, it emerged today.

Although famously suffering from a chronic lack of courage, the Cowardly Lion still apparently has more balls than the current Prime Minister.

Senior Tories have praised the Lion’s courage in sparing Cameron the horror of debating against the terrifying Ed Miliband and Nigel Farage.

“This Lion deserves a medal,” proclaimed former Conservative Party chairman Norman Tebbit. Now all we need is a heart for Iain Duncan Smith and we’ll be on a winner. And a brain. And a clue.”

It seem that the Cowardly Lion may not be the only stand-in for the debates. Reports are coming in that Labour are considering replacing leader Miliband in the debates with an empty chair – not because he is is afraid to appear, but simply because it is thought the chair will be more charismatic.

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Victim worried by Cameron’s claim: ‘all my thoughts are with you’

cameronthinking1

I’m really thinking ‘what’s for dinner?’

A victim of last week’s River Gluggle flood is concerned, after David Cameron emailed to say that all his thoughts were with him. Villager Dominic Delaney had contacted MP Spencer Chadwick to complain about the floods but received a response from the PM instead.

An anxious Delaney had this to say “I’ve no idea when his thoughts are due here … although I had a dreadful headache this morning. I assumed it was the lingering stench of sewage but maybe it was him; who knows what shit he thinks about? He might start thinking about bacon at any moment and I’m vegetarian”.

Rev Tansy Forster is backing Delaney’s fight against politicians’ indiscriminate sending of unwanted thoughts, and believes they’re becoming more frequent in the run-up to the election.”Some of them are so inappropriate. I was choosing what to have for breakfast on New Year’s eve when a fully-costed plan to feed prisoners pig-swill popped into my head; I’d accidentally tuned in to Chris Grayling’s malign resolution-brooding.”

“The next morning, when I was supposed to be praying, I wondered if it would be fun to kick away the crutches of disabled benefit claimants. I suspected it was satan tempting me” said Forster “but when I began to think about selling their crutches on Ebay I realised I was channelling Iain Duncan Smith.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Election 2015, Politics

PM refuses to rule out coalition with President Snow

catching-fire-president-snow (2)

He may have his faults but he’s a hell of a spiffy dresser

Under intense questioning from Andrew Marr, David Cameron has refused to rule out a post-election coalition between the Tories and President Snow. A prospect that horrified critics have said will make the current government seem like a workers’ co-op run by Michael Palin and Camilla Batmanghelidjh. However the Prime Minister was quick to refute this allegation.
“Cornelius Snow is a good chap,” he asserted. “He works hard and more importantly has immense personal wealth and likes all the things I do. Furthermore his record in giving young people a purpose and a direction in life is second to none.”

Cameron also revealed that President Snow isn’t the only person he’d “do business with” confirming that initial soundings out have taken place between him and Tywin Lannister as well as Lord Voldemort.

“I don’t know why people are getting so het up about the idea,” he said. “These are strong. dynamic leaders. And anyway it’s not like I’m considering doing something that would truly screw the country and talking to Nigel Farage. Only a real fruitcake would consider a coalition with Ukip.”

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So why is he such an egg faced ****? PM’s refusal to answer tweet causes unrest

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Anyone got any ideas?

David Cameron’s lack of response to a tweet sent to him by Rachel Johnson, sister of golden retriever with a head injury and Mayor of London Boris Johnson, has caused widespread unrest in Harold. Instead of going about their usual morning routines residents are monumentally distracted as they ponder the question Why are you such an egg faced **** finding themselves unable to move on.

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“But I thought everyone hates the working class”: PM fails to understand Labour’s problem.

LITTLE-BRITAIN-007

The working class. This was a documentary, right?

David Cameron has been left “confused and more than a little amused” by Labour’s latest bout of hand-wringing over the working class.

“Why Emily Thornberry was sacked or what the problem with not liking the poor and those who refuse to play by the rules and better themselves is is simply beyond me,” the Prime Minister was heard to say at a private event last night. Continue reading

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“The Queen smells bad”: heartbreaking list of why 48 year old hates being a Prime Minister goes viral

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It’s a hard knock life

Capture

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HS3 will give northerners the opportunity of not finding work right across the north of England

The North. That way, isn't it?

The North. That way, isn’t it?

David Cameron welcomed plans for HS3 this afternoon, after reading at least three pages of a report by HS2’s Sir David Higgins over luncheon.

“It’s much easier to plan than to implement,” said the PM “so I’m grateful for Sir David’s searching analysis with all its potential for shuffling that £1.7b Euro-Invoice onto page two … err … for linking up the great centres of northern unemployment … err … Continue reading

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Blacked up Morris Dancers apologise for having photo taken with offensive person

IMG_0260.JPG Embarrassing, misjudged, and totally unacceptable. These are just some of the words some blacked-up Morris dancers have used to explain having their picture with someone most people in society find detestable, David Cameron.
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Tories seize poll lead for being better liars than Labour

You can't see the crossed fingers

You can’t see the crossed fingers

The Conservative Party has been propelled to the top of the opinion poll charts for the first time in three years proving that their lies, or “pledges” in political speak, delivered at this week’s conference were better than those of the Labour Party.

It seems that the Tory lie of tax cuts for all was more convincing than Labour’s promise that they were reformed liars and had learnt their lesson and would never do it again, honest. Or put it another way, David Cameron’s smarm outplayed Ed Miliband’s confusion.

Miliband wasn’t helped by missing out chunks of his speech leaving him unable to put across his full package of lies. Continue reading

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Cameron launches ‘whole-house subsidy’ for Young Conservatives

No, subsidies are for rich people. Don't you have any shares you can sell?

Cameron and IDS explain how housing policy works, to a person with little money. “Hmm, subsidies aren’t really for poor people. Are you sure you have no shares you can sell?”

David Cameron has announced that a new Tory Government would build 100,000 new houses, to be sold at 20% under market value to first time buyers under 40.

“But they must be hard working people, this will be no something-for-nothing handout for lazy or even moderately well performing people” said the man who’s had everything in life presented to him on a silver salver, Continue reading

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PM backs new laws against killing people and blowing stuff up

boom

Already wrong: about to be made wronger.

David Cameron has given his unconditional support to a new set of rules that will punish those that kill others, or try to ruin things with explosives.

The controversial new approach will give MPs the opportunity to express outrage and concern, and reassure voters that everything is very much under control.

While some radicalised critics have pointed out that murder and terrorism are already illegal under archaic rules, the prime minister insisted that shiny new laws are better than dusty old ones.

“Nothing prevents sickening carnage like rafts of new legisture”, beamed Cameron. “I have in my hand a white paper.”
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Family-friendly policies. Cameron explains “I meant bankers’ families”

cameronpointing

“Yes, you on the right with the big wallet. Did you have a question for me?”

David Cameron has clarified that it’s Tory supporters’ and city bankers’ families will most benefit from any future Government policies.

“I thought it best to make that clear, far enough ahead of the election for other people to forget it.”

Hundreds of thousands of households are causing a serious drain on public resources with ‘off the barometer’ dysfunctional behaviour, says Cameron.

The PM today announced a significant amendments to the Troubled Families programme, initially set up to help 120,000 seriously troubled families.

“We found money raised by hard-working taxpayers was propping up lazy, feckless idiots who were never going to vote Conservative anyway, however much we gave them. We’re now cutting out all that stuff.”

According to respected social commentator, Richard Littlejohn, Continue reading

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Boris Johnson ‘will try to stab Cameron in the back in 2015’

The joke fell flat when both men insisted that they other pull his finger

The joke fell flat when both men insisted that the other pull his finger

Boris Johnson has ended months of speculation this morning by confirming that he will be ending David Cameron’s political career in 2015. Continue reading

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“Fatty musn’t look like an arse this time”: Portugal ordered to cull jellyfish before Cameron has a dip in the sea

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Constant vigilance: Dave eyes up other potential sea-dwelling assaults on his dignity

Authorities in Cascais, Portugal have been ordered to cull jellyfish ahead of David Cameron taking a holiday swim. The Prime Minister is currently enjoying his second holiday abroad in four months and is anxious not to repeat the moment last time when he strode into the sea only to be swiftly stung and ejected by a jellyfish. Continue reading

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Cabinet reshuffle: Cameron denies appointing women and badgers out of desperation

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Appointed on merit? The new Secretary of State for Defence

David Cameron has denied that his promoting a few women and badgers to the Cabinet in today’s reshuffle smacks of desperation.

“I am not cynically trying to increase my party’s voter appeal ahead of the general election,” he said. “And in no way did I see that lots of people seem to really like badgers if all those petitions I keep getting are any indication, and so thought that employing one or two would appease the plebs.”

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PM whose party won 23.4% of vote says today’s strike is illegitimate

Stop wanting a better quality of life, you lot. It’s upsetting Dave

A million public sector workers are set to strike today however David Cameron has called this action selfish and damaging.

“It’s not fair,” the Prime Minister said. “The truth is that there are a small group of people and they tend to be ideologically motivated and they are opposed to what me and my much smaller group of deeply ideologically motivated chums are doing.” Continue reading

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Crackdown on wannabe Syria fighters makes first high-profile arrest. PM in custody

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MI5 have started a government-backed crackdown on any UK citizen wishing to go to Syria to fight in the war against the Assad regime by launching a dawn raid at an address in Central London and arresting prime minister David Cameron.

“We have been looking through footage of our suspect talking of sending more fighters into region than any jihadist could hope to recruit,” MI5 head Andrew Parker said.

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