“Fatty musn’t look like an arse this time”: Portugal ordered to cull jellyfish before Cameron has a dip in the sea

Constant vigilance: Dave eyes up other potential sea-dwelling assaults on his dignity

Authorities in Cascais, Portugal have been ordered to cull jellyfish ahead of David Cameron taking a holiday swim. The Prime Minister is currently enjoying his second holiday abroad in four months and is anxious not to repeat the moment last time when he strode into the sea only to be swiftly stung and ejected by a jellyfish.

A leaked document titled ‘Operation Chalmers’ believed to be written by spin-doctor Lynton Crosby bluntly states “Fatty musn’t look like an arse this time” and lists the many ways in which Cameron is to avoid this pitfall while chillaxing. These include the jellyfish cull, Cameron keeping his shirt on at all times, and remembering not to leave any or all of his children in a pub.

Despite this being spun as a private family holiday Operation Chalmers stresses the importance of a constant media presence and as heavy press coverage as possible in order to “take the proles mind’s off the fact Clegg’s in charge.”

Should the Deputy Prime Minister actually do or say anything then Operation Chalmers gives instructions to go to Defcon 2 and sell the Daily Mail pictures of Samantha Cameron in a bikini.