by | November 3, 2014 · 7:04 am

Man Utd and Liverpool to join Scottish League

gaal

Er, hoots mon?

Following a string of disappointing results, Manchester United and Liverpool have applied to join the Scottish Premiership, it was revealed today. An initial approach has been made to begin playing in Scotland as soon as possible, starting next season, or even in the middle of this one, if no-one minds.

“We can’t see any practical problems with this. If Berwick are allowed to play in the Scottish league, I don’t see why we’re any different,” insisted Liverpool manager Brendan Rogers. “It’s like Hamilton, they’re in New Zealand, according to Google, and no-one complains about them.”

“The Scottish Premiership has long been considered an easy option, lacking any serious challenge,” he explained. “And that’s just what we’re looking for.” Continue reading →

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by | November 2, 2014 · 8:00 am

Crap model village ‘was metaphor for creator’s life’

crap village

It’s the little details that shows the maker had given up caring.

Kyle Hostage hated his wife, and spent every waking hour in his shed making a ‘model village’. But in an act of painstaking passive-aggressive carpentry, Mr Hostage made sure it was a disappointing, shit village; a simile for his empty life and hollow marriage.

“I could have had an affair, I suppose”, Mr Hostage told us last year. “But you know where you are with tiny, wooden people, even if their faces are lopsided and painted on the wrong side of their heads. Some of them have two faces, actually”, Hostage said. “Especially the small woman I put in our bedroom. I hewed that one from dogwood.”

Opposite, Hostage carved a sad man in a shed, holding binoculars made from tootpaste caps. And on his tiny face he placed miniscule tears, which he’d painstakingly wittled from real ones.The bite marks in the head tell their own story.
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by | November 1, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Leon Brittan to chair historical child abuse Inquiry

Leon Brittan retraces his steps hunting for the missing dossier “I’m sure I walked down this road.”

Having almost run out of idiots willing to chair the government’s child abuse inquiry, Theresa May has called in a favour from a semi-retired politician; all-time Spitting Image favourite Leon Brittan, who agreed to take on the role.

“Everybody else we’d asked knew Leon to some extent.” mumbled the gaffe-prone Home Secretary, through the red shoes stuck in her mouth,

Brittan never liked this Spitting Image puppet

Brittan never liked this Spitting Image puppet

“So I’ve cut out the middle-women and gone to the one man who probably knows what happened to the dossier he was given when he had this job”.

“We do know the papers were shredded, moulded into a papier-mache dunce’s hat and then fed to a herd of Longhorn Highland Cattle. But after that the trail went strangely cold”.

“We’ve not given up hope of finding it though” added Mrs May “if we can just trawl through enough old bull-shit.”

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by | · 11:00 am

Theresa May’s organising of a piss up in a brewery enters its fourth year.

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Theresa May’s attempts to organise a piss up in a brewery has entered its four year, but still looks some way off actually happening.

The piss up was supposed to celebrate her party’s election success in 2010. “I didn’t want anything too complicated, just a few drinks in a place where drink would be readily available,” the prime minister explained.

However the apparently simple task got off to a bad start when May appointed Gordon Brown to arrange the party.
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by | · 8:00 am

Benedict Cumberbatch the Musical opens in London

Benedict Cumberbatch is an ordained minister

It features the heart-rendering ballad Don’t Cry for Me, Martin Freeman

Benedict Cumberbatch the Musical has its première in the West End tonight setting what many are calling the biggest tourist and hen night trap since A Midsummer Night’s Sheeran.

“I’ve done Jesus, I’ve done Eva Peron, now it’s time to do a true legend,” said composer Andrew Lloyd Webber. “Audiences are going to be swept along by the rags-to-riches story as just like Jean Valjean, Benedict grows up in Kensington, attends Harrow then both Manchester University and LAMDA. Finally with just all the contacts he’s made plus both his parents being actors he somehow manages to break into show business. Remarkable.” Continue reading →

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by | · 6:59 am

Zombie-like trick or treaters terrorise village

Lollies don't work with zombies

Lollies don’t work with zombies

Villagers in Harold were left shaken after a group of older, persistent trick or treaters roamed from door to door on Halloween night.

“They were very pale, with a fixed smile and vacant stare” said shopkeeper Julie Kettle. “I suspect they were zombies, or from Norwich.”

“I tried to get rid of them with a handful of lollies but they insisted they wanted my soul. In desperation I stabbed the younger one with scissors, but even then they left a pamphlet and said they would be back next week.”
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by | October 31, 2014 · 11:00 am

George R R Martin announces he’ll write entire next Game of Thrones book in National Novel Writing Month

George_R_R_Martin

Let’s see, “Chapter One”

Game of Thrones author George R R Martin announced today that the long-awaited next novel in the series will be available much earlier than anticipated, as he is going to write the whole thing during National Novel Writing Month this November.

This marks something of a change in writing style for Martin, given that he usually takes up to ten years to complete a novel.

When asked to explain his reasons for upping the pace so dramatically, Martin confessed that after several years of pretending, he has still not actually written a word of the next book, and sees ‘NaNoWriMo’ as his last chance.

“I can’t cope with all the lies anymore,” he confessed. “I’ve been doing all these interviews saying how well it’s going and let me finish at my own pace – haven’t written a bloody word. This novel writing month gives me a chance to catch up. Big month, bang it out, bish bash bosh.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Clarkson in trouble over ketchup tweet

clarkson

He doesn’t look like he’s enjoying that.

Jeremy Clarkson became embroiled in yet more pointless anger yesterday after tweeting about putting ketchup on a bacon sandwich.

Professional distraction Clarkson caused outrage amongst opinionated breakfast fans, after tweeting “I am eating breakfast. It is a bacon sandwich. I have put tomato ketchup in it.”

“He really is a monster”, responded one self-titled meat-and-bread specialist. “It’s ‘red for sausage, brown for bacon’: that’s the law.”

“Tweeting about ketchup and bacon in this way is childish and provocative. Who knows how many idiots out there will now try and copy him?”
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by | October 30, 2014 · 4:56 pm

60 deaths from legal highs in 2013 “may not include alcohol & tobacco”

"Trust me, I'm the Home Secretary."

“Trust me. I’m the Home Secretary, I know what I’m doing.”

Deaths from mood-altering-yet-legal substances remain stubbornly stuck down in double figures, according to a new Home Office report.

Home Secretary Theresa May wrote the foreword but denies some of its apparent support for decriminalising drugs, or indeed having read her own department’s report.

“It was a Home Office report on drugs,” carped Mrs May “why would I bother to read it? Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

Could eating more chocolate and exercising less actually help you lose weight?

Not. Diet. Food.

Not. Diet. Food.

No. Of course it couldn’t.

Don’t be ridiculous.

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by | · 7:00 am

Frump-Bencher: near-tearful Harman lets politics get in way of fashion

harman

X-X rated: no-one with a Y chromosome has so far read her message.

Dowdy working gal Harriet Harman stepped out today in a frumpy grey t-shirt…but still wanted men would take notice of her.

Wearing a baggy unisex top, perhaps borrowed from her husband or hurriedly retrieved from the laundry basket, frump-bencher Harman raised fears she may have gone frigid, or given up on herself.

Fashion expert Pippa Delaney fears the politician wasn’t wearing a bra, or at least not one that made the most of her assets.

Yet while blatantly wearing a shapeless sack that forlornly displayed last season’s font, the ageing Harman still expected David Cameron to stare at her tits.
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by | October 29, 2014 · 2:12 pm

NASA pulled from organising village’s firework display

No amount of gloves and nearby buckets could make this sparkler safe to handle

No amount of gloves and nearby buckets could make this sparkler safe to handle

Harold council has announced the cancellation of the annual fireworks display following the display organiser, NASA, suffering from some pre-event technical issues.

Nasa had agreed to set off some rockets in the village on bonfire night, however the council decided after watching their latest effort that the event shouldn’t go ahead on health and safety grounds.
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by | · 11:00 am

Obama calls for ‘care in the community’ for Ebola patients

obama breathes

“What? This old thing? It’s just something I happened to throw on.”

Barack Obama has rounded on ‘inhumane’ scientific quarantine procedures being used to tackle Ebola, and instead called for care in the community.

“Margaret Thatcher showed us that the people best qualified to tackle mental illness was the postman; the greengrocer; the less terrified of the neighbours”, said Obama. “And it’s just the same for people who might have Ebola.”

“Tents and respirators can be scary, whereas wondering around our cities and mass transport systems as if nothing is wrong can really calm a person down. There’s no need to be confined indoors, at least until you start bleeding from your anus.”

Obama called on Americans to be ‘neighbourly’ to those who might be feeling a little under the weather from the killer disease.
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by | · 7:00 am

Robbie Williams manages to make childbirth more painful

'Robbie Williams shared photos and videos of himself and Ayda Field in the delivery suite.'

Actually, yes. It is all about me. It always is.

Robbie Williams tried to distract his wife Ayda from her recent  labour pains, with a spirited rendition of his hit song ‘Candy’ whilst she was in the maternity suite. “It was difficult to tell if it was working, because she usually whimpers when I’m performing.” said Williams.

The celebrity couple’s second child made a much-delayed appearance at Dunstable Royal Infirmary maternity unit as nurse Ærndís Vigfusson explained. “We’d already seen the baby’s head. But when Mr Williams started prancing about, the wee mite crawled back up the birth canal.
We had to coax him back out with some jelly tots and an exclusive contract with ‘Hello’ magazine.” Continue reading →

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by | October 28, 2014 · 11:00 am

British troops return to Camp Bastion to check they hadn’t left the gas on.

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In a British tradition that dates back to the very early days of travelling, after finally leaving Camp Bastion following 13 years of war in Afghanistan, British troops had to make an embarrassing u-turn and go back to the base to check they hadn’t left the gas on.

Everything had gone according to plan with a flag lowering ceremony attended by dignitaries in front of the world’s media, and then the last troops leaving the base in an operation involving 17 waves of helicopters and planes departing marking the end of our presence in the country.

However on the plane home someone asked the question ‘did you turn the gas off?’

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by | · 7:00 am

Harold school to allow term time holidays for ‘thick kids’

chavs

Children spend a useful hour learning how to put on jumpers.

A school in Harold is letting parents take holidays in term time, but only if their offspring aren’t ‘promising’.

Head mistress of St. Mary’s primary school Alison Lee explained that her dimmest pupils can leave any time they like, but urged parents to ‘try at least’ to clash with OFSTED inspections.

“A lot of the brighter parents come to me and say that a holiday in some far-away paradise can be educational for their children”, said Lee. “But when they come back, their maths tends not to have improved in the slightest.”

“But when the Evans’ took their pair of mouth-breathers to a caravan in Rhyll in September, our SATS predictions climbed by 7%. It was an astonishing result; on average, even their two brainless dolts have benefited. As I told Mr Evans, I knew they’d have better luck educating them.”
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by | October 27, 2014 · 5:07 pm

HS3 will give northerners the opportunity of not finding work right across the north of England

The North. That way, isn't it?

The North. That way, isn’t it?

David Cameron welcomed plans for HS3 this afternoon, after reading at least three pages of a report by HS2’s Sir David Higgins over luncheon.

“It’s much easier to plan than to implement,” said the PM “so I’m grateful for Sir David’s searching analysis with all its potential for shuffling that £1.7b Euro-Invoice onto page two … err … for linking up the great centres of northern unemployment … err … Continue reading →

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by | October 26, 2014 · 8:00 am

Britain First boycott reading.

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Britain First leaders organising their now famous ‘library invasions’

Far­-right Facebook picture sharers Britain First have called on their supporters to boycott reading after some words were written about them that were critical and questioned their practices.

The group, which is a splinter group of the BNP set up by disgruntled party members, made the call to action following their boycott of The Sun for criticising their use of Lynda Bellingham’s death to garner support and on the Daily Mail for being too socialist and left wing.

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by | October 25, 2014 · 11:00 am

Developers look to nature to solve London’s housing crisis with the ‘Escar-Go’

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With London house prices getting beyond the reach of ordinary people, and affordable properties getting smaller and smaller, one developer has started putting a new range of properties on the market.

Modelled on a snail’s shell, the developer says their new ‘All-In-One Portable Studio Apartment’, named the Escar-Go, has everything a young aspiring professional could need and the homes fit in well with the environment, providing you spend the night in other people’s gardens.

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by | October 24, 2014 · 2:38 pm

Prince Philip forced to delete first tweet

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Following in the footsteps of his wife, Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Philip has sent and almost immediately deleted his first tweet.

Tweeting under the user name @Imnotracistbut, the Prince Philip dedicated his first 140 characters to insulting at least four races.
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