Wife runs off with ‘listening’ TV

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“Sometimes I turn it on”

A housewife from the village of Harold has eloped with the family’s new ‘listening’ Samsung TV, claiming it pays far more attention to her than her husband ever did.

In an interview with the Radio Times, Elsie Renfrew, 42, explained that she  had spent twenty years being ignored by husband Roger, and that the couple had in fact last exchanged greetings in 1997.

“Then we got this new Samsung telly,” she told journalists, “And suddenly I knew something was actually listening to me at long last – for once, something actually cared.”

The television, a FH6200 Series with 60″ screen (diagonal), features voice recognition for channel selection, volume control and wistful confidences about what you could have been if only you’d married someone with a bit more life to them. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Dating, TV

CIA admit they made cats up to keep everyone docile

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Harold’s Mister Superpaws. He’s not real, the cake is a lie, and Soylent Green is people.

There was shock around the world this morning when John O’Brennan, Director of the CIA, admitted that his organisation made cats up to keep people distracted and compliant.

“Aw shucks, y’got us,” he confessed. “When the internet started we at the CIA quickly realised that it could become a global tool for unrestricted communication, uncensored ideas and free trade so naturally we put together a plan of action to combat that and so the cat was born.” Continue reading

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Labour to delay publishing manifesto until after General Election to focus on saving the NHS

One of Labour's controversial new posters

One of Labour’s controversial new posters

Faced with increasing internal pressure to come up with fresh policy ideas, Labour Party strategists have come up with what they describe as a ‘sure fire election winner’ by postponing the publication of their election manifesto until after the General Election.

In interviews over the next few days, leaders will deny accusations that this is due to a dearth of policies by regurgitating their new set of NHS saving mantras which they have spent the last six months working on.

According to an insider at Labour HQ, Ed Miliband feels that working on a lengthy manifesto, which will only provide ammunition to opponents and is never read by the electorate, is a waste of time and resources. The thinking is that Labour can get their message across far more convincingly with sound bites and random promises to throw money at target voters. Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2015, Housing, News

Paul Dacre leaves house wearing unflattering suit, sporting high forehead haircut, and no make-up

Paul Dacre, editor of The Daily Mail, arrives at the High Court to give evidence to the Leveson Inquiry on February 9, 2012 Paul Dacre has been pictured leaving his house this morning, possibly to meet a woman, or a man, or to buy a paper, wearing an unflattering suit and carrying more than a few extra pounds.

His daring outfit, comprising a grey two-piece suit in a dark galactic grey teamed with a white shirt with unflattering blue vertical pinstripes and a burgundy tie, left the Daily Mail editor looking older than his years.
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Prince who lives in bubble fears radical Islam’s disconnect from reality

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Apparently Isis also take dim young men, pop them into a uniform and tell them they’re better than everyone else

Prince Charles has used an interview on Radio 2’s The Sunday Hour this morning to speak of his “real worry” that radical Islam is buggering up the Middle East more emphatically than the Kardashians are screwing the very concept of reality.

Charles, who has been raised from birth to believe that he will one day be Defender of the Faith and crowned king by the Archbishop of Canterbury in Westminster Abbey, lamented the “distortions that are made of the great religions.” Continue reading

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Nick Clegg applies for political asylum in Ecuadorian Embassy

nick-clegg-sad Nick Clegg has applied to the Ecuadorian Embassy for asylum so he can escape a political beating in May. It is expected that Mr Clegg will be subject to public political humiliation come the general election

“If Assange can hide from the Swedish courts and remain the head of Wikileaks by withering away in a central London room, then why can’t I hide away and still get to be deputy prime minister,” Clegg argued
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Villagers campaign to close local post office

post officeA post office in Harold is under imminent threat of closure – at least if the neighbours have their say.

Long a magnet to fat, sweet-craving children and people with inconclusively sized envelopes, the post office has been a thorn in the side of the local community for years.

“Some days, you can’t move for the queue of two or three pensioners bickering over who’s knees hurt the most”, complained farmer Dave Evans. “I have to threaten them with a muck thrower just to get to the e-cig shop.”

A detached dwelling with three bedrooms, the post office is located centrally in the village: a village with precious little housing for young families.

“That’s why it should become an estate agents”, said Evans. “They could then sell the post box to a bunch of twats from London. Once they’ve moved in, I can sell them organic sausages for 30 quid each.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business

“We hate you”: new train tickets to tell the truth about UK railways

train ticket

She’s got a ticket to ride but they don’t care

Train tickets have been redesigned to include a key detail omitted from previous versions – the truth.

“We don’t like our passengers. Not at all,” said Louis Cypher, Network Rail’s chief spokesperson. “We like having lots of money, the government giving us more and all the loot being divided between us and the shareholders of the various rail companies. We’re fed up of having to lie about it. If you’re stupid enough to pay our prices even if you have to stand most of the way every single day then we’re going to treat you with the contempt you so richly deserve.” Continue reading

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Ratings crash: Miliband may have been unconscious at the wheel

Ed… Ed ……. Is he asleep? ED!!

The leader of a political party which careered out of control in Scotland says he has no memory of the crash, or events which led up to it.

Ed Miliband told the Evening Harold that although he understands Scottish Labour MPs want answers, he’d been unconscious for several years and could not remember anything.

Labour’s former-leader in-waiting says that he had no problems before 2010, apart from letting energy companies get away with murder when he was Energy Secretary. “But after that things are just a blur”.

The party went out of control in Westminster, shortly after his brother lost the leadership election and then crashed right across the UK, before being written off in a slow-motion Scottish catastrophe shortly after September 2014.

In a statement yesterday Mr Miliband said “I want to be able to reach out to the soon-to-be-ex Labour MPs and their families. Does anyone know who they are and where they live?”

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Mummified monk not dead, just playing Xbox

imageA mummified monk found in Mongolia is not dead, according to experts, he is just playing on his Xbox.

Senior Buddhists claim the monk is in a deep meditative trance, however gamers think he may just be stuck on a mission on Call Of Duty: Black Ops.
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Labour pay Tony Blair to stay in a cupboard until May

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The fearfully observant will notice the barrels of oil reflected in his eyes. No photoshop was used, we think it happens naturally.

Tony Blair is set for another bumper payday as it has been revealed that the Labour Party is giving him millions to shut up and stay in a cupboard until after the general election.

“It’s a no-brainer,” said Ed Miliband. “We as a party can’t have that face popping up everywhere and reminding voters what a Labour Prime Minister who wins elections actually looks like. Those eyes, that smile – we want people to feel shiny and positive about Labour, not have the shits put up them by Satan’s very own gargoyle.” Continue reading

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Noel Gallagher reminds us he hates everyone, just before his new album is released

image Noel Gallagher has taken to the press to remind us all that he hates everyone just in time for the launch of his band’s latest album Chasing Yesterday.

The pre-release tradition which dates back to hating Blur in the nineties and his brother in the noughties this time has seen Gallagher hating Ed Sheeran and the Arctic Monkeys.
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Cruelty claims at halal vets

halal pup

Customers ‘left stunned’ – unlike the animals.

A veterinary surgery that claims to follow halal practices has drawn protests in the village of Harold.

Following guidelines for animal welfare dictated by an angel some 1,400 years ago, the Jamuh Haariat practice treats a range of ailments using only a sharp knife.

“While we could use an anaesthetic, that isn’t specifically mentioned in the Quran”, explained Dr Haariat. “That either means they weren’t invented then, or more likely, Allah forbids them.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Food, Medicine

“Amazing!” says Probation Inspector when he learned his wife had won probation contracts

amazed

Hoping for another job working with offenders. Maybe with Sodexo

“I was reading Private Eye recently and discovered that my wife was a Director of Sodexo”, said Paul McDowell the chief inspector of probation.

“I was particularly shocked when I read that Sodexo had partnered with NACRO, a charity I used to run. And if you think that was a co-incidence, that same partnership then won a whole sheaf of probation contracts! What were the chances?”

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“Racist” diaries halt Cumberbatch’s campaign to pardon Alan Turing

Another regrettable publication from the past

Another regrettable publication from the past

The campaign led by Benedict Cumberbatch to gain pardons for gay men who were persecuted by the state for the indecency laws of the time, has had a major setback after evidence has come out showing that homosexual men of the era were just as racist as everyone was in those days.

Recently discovered diaries of Alan Turing, mathematical genius and Cumberbatch’s’ best chance of bagging an Academy Award have suggested that Turing had the same prejudiced attitudes towards the black community as everyone else in the early 1950’s as illustrated by the following shocking  extract. Continue reading

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Avian flu ‘no threat to lizards’, reassure our reptilian overlords

lizard twats

The sum of all fears.

An outbreak of avian flu is unlikely to destabilise the government, according to a report from our cold-blooded masters.

Although it could prove deadly for chickens, lizards are well up the pecking order. The announcement didn’t mention how it might affect those that evolved from puny apes.

“While pandemics can seem scary, I’d like to assure you lesser species that I’ll be fine”, said David Cameron. Nigel Farage licked a broiler in front of the press, to hammer the point home.
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Campaign for Celebrity Big Brother to last forever continues to grow

celebrity-big-brother-2015-housematesHundreds of thousands of people a day are signing the online petition for Celebrity Big Brother to last without evictions until the wolf eats the sun.

Campaign organiser and Harold resident Jane Hough says that she is pleased but not surprised by its success. Continue reading

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Super Bowl XL49 – An Englishman’s post-match review

2015-superbowl-logoThe New English Patriots (pronounced Pay-tree-ots) have won the American Football World cup of Gridiron, beating Seattle Seahawks FC by 28 goals to 24, despite being 10 runs down going into the last part of the match.

The Patriots fourth World Cup final win saw inspiring performances by their nickel-back Tom Brady and an interception from his butler in the last few seconds of the game.
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Health scare at Harold knitting circle as members found to have been sharing needles.

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Just say No

Future meetings of the Harold knitting circle have been cancelled following an outbreak of Hepatitis B among the group. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Dr. Evans' Casebook, Drugs, Fashion, Health, Law and Order, Lifestyle, Medicine, Police

“It’s just performance art that got out of hand” Guardian newspaper confesses that it’s not real

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Alan Rusbridger: Guardian editor

Flamboyant artist Alan Rusbridger has admitted that the Guardian newspaper is merely a performance art piece that got way out of control.

“I never imagined it would be so popular,” said Rusbridger. “All we do is troll our readers by insisting that everything but everything is sexist and racist and claiming to love the Lib Dems.” Continue reading

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