Faced with increasing internal pressure to come up with fresh policy ideas, Labour Party strategists have come up with what they describe as a ‘sure fire election winner’ by postponing the publication of their election manifesto until after the General Election.
In interviews over the next few days, leaders will deny accusations that this is due to a dearth of policies by regurgitating their new set of NHS saving mantras which they have spent the last six months working on.
According to an insider at Labour HQ, Ed Miliband feels that working on a lengthy manifesto, which will only provide ammunition to opponents and is never read by the electorate, is a waste of time and resources. The thinking is that Labour can get their message across far more convincingly with sound bites and random promises to throw money at target voters.
In line with the strategy, Mr Miliband has authorised a set of posters which include:
- A photograph of a top premiership footballer lying in agony on the pitch saying: “I’d rather break my leg under a Labour Government”, and,
- A pregnant woman saying patting her bump under the caption “I’ll be safer in Labour”.
Ed Miliband’s image remains a problem for activists, but there are a couple of plans. Firstly the hapless leader may be photographed dressed in a doctor’s outfit meeting hospital staff. “We thought it would be popular if he could be filmed on the set of Casualty, perhaps,” said the insider. “Surely, nothing could go wrong with that.”
The other plan, which is receiving considerable support from his shadow cabinet colleagues, is to twist the “we’re all in it together” slogan by having the labour leader receive a botched diagnosis of his adenoidal issues forcing him to miss the entire election campaign, thus gaining Miliband the sympathy vote and underlining Labour’s mantra about the shoddy NHS.
Win or lose the General Election, the reality is that Labour’s manifesto is unlikely to see the light of day until hell freezes over, or when the Chilcot Report is finally published, whichever occurs first.