Labour pay Tony Blair to stay in a cupboard until May

The fearfully observant will notice the barrels of oil reflected in his eyes. No photoshop was used, we think it happens naturally.

Tony Blair is set for another bumper payday as it has been revealed that the Labour Party is giving him millions to shut up and stay in a cupboard until after the general election.

“It’s a no-brainer,” said Ed Miliband. “We as a party can’t have that face popping up everywhere and reminding voters what a Labour Prime Minister who wins elections actually looks like. Those eyes, that smile – we want people to feel shiny and positive about Labour, not have the shits put up them by Satan’s very own gargoyle.”

Surprisingly, Blair, who does like to keep busy, went into the cupboard quite happily and is content to stay.

“We told him that there was a conflict going on inside between two tribes of spiders,” said Miliband. “He couldn’t wait to get in there and bring peace in that special way only he can.”