by | May 19, 2015 · 10:00 am

Obese ‘Hacker’ controlled plane by ‘moving round the cabin’

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‘Hacker’ demonstrates how to immobilise the drinks trolley.

A 34-stone ‘hacker’ claims he gained control over an aircraft, by simply swapping seats in the cabin.

Barry Whale works as an IT consultant in a phone shop in Dunstable: his expertise is ‘hacking’ SIM cards so they can fit in an iPhone.

“It’s a job that involves moving from the front desk to the ‘customer service cabin’, so I know a fair bit about moving between seats”, said Whale.

When the tech geek got up to use the rear lavatory, he noticed that the plane noticeably pitched up.
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by | · 6:43 am

Controversy as Primary school sandpit gains blue flag status

cat

Local cat, hatching a ‘stink vole’.

A sandpit that’s as popular with local cats as it is with the school children of Harold has been awarded ‘blue flag’ status.

Beach scientists sifted through the 3 metre by 2 metre site, using their toes and EC-standard flip-flops.

With a clear pass for oil spills and only one sticky penguin found, the team praised the sand for its relative freshness.

“It’s a wonderful eco system, the top inch was relatively barren, but below that, we found some furry, brown ‘stink voles’ that were flourishing” said team leader Nate Grimshaw.
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by | May 18, 2015 · 2:45 pm

Entire city of Liverpool to be demolished and rebuilt in shape of Steven Gerrard

An artist's impression of Liverpool in 2019

An artist’s impression of Liverpool in 2019

As a tribute to Liverpool FC’s departing captain and arguably greatest ever player, Steven Gerrard, the entire city is to be demolished and rebuilt in his image.

The work will start as soon as Gerrard, the most talented footballer to ever grace the Premier League, heads to the USA to join LA Galaxy in the summer. It is expected to be completed by 2018, in time for him to return to the club and fail as a manager.  Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

Len McCluskey warns Labour to be the ‘voice’ of Len McCluskey

LenLen McCluskey has warned the Labour party that it needs to do more to appeal to Len McCluskey, or face the withdrawal of Len McCluskey’s money.

“As a ‘worker’ in a grand office and a six-figure salary, I don’t see what the Labour party has to offer people like me any more”, said Len McCluskey.
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by | · 2:52 am

PM vows to end NHS in seven days

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“Why won’t they work longer hours for less money?” wonders the chillaxing multi-millionaire.

David Cameron will today pledge to destroy the world’s first universal health service and guarantee his City chums “armfuls of dosh from privatisation wherever they are and whenever they need it.”

In his first speech since beating Ed Miliband like a red-headed mule in the general election, the Prime Minister will promise that billions of pounds of tax-payers money will be thrust into fat cats hands now and “for every generation of one percenters to come.” Continue reading →

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by | May 15, 2015 · 11:00 am

Holiday home owners ‘keeping Cornish as pets’

pet cornish

‘If it was cruel, they wouldn’t let people use caravans.’

London media executives who spend their weekends in Cornwall are lamenting the decline of the fishing industry, in the pretty villages they’ve all bought holiday homes in.

But now, thanks to advances in large hutch technology, they can maintain a permanent link to the past. A few simple Cornish are being kept as pets, in spare rooms or out the back by the bins.

“They’re easy to look after, they just need some old nets to play with”, said Cornish owner Cordelia Fotheringham. “You chuck them the occasional pastie and spray them with a brine mist. Before you know it, they’re shantying away.”

The floor around the cage is littered with crusts. “They don’t eat that bit, I don’t know why”, said Fotheringham. “Mine keeps shrieking ‘the tin! the tin!’ when I poke one back in. But it didn’t come in a tin: we don’t promote convenience food.”
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by | · 2:25 am

Iain Duncan Smith to be the new voice of Mr Burns

scariest-characters-mr-burns-431x300

“You’re asking for benefits? Smithers, release the hounds.”

Fears that actor Harry Shearer’s departure from The Simpsons could mean the end of the show have been dispelled following the casting of Iain Duncan Smith as Mr Burns.

“We’re just delighted that Iain’s agreed to come on board,” said Simpson’s creator Matt Groening. “We thought we’d never be able to find someone to convey Mr Burn’s sociopathy as convincingly as Harry did but this IDS guy is even better! We had him read a scene about using the poor for fuel, and sanctioning benefits claimants who use two slices of bread to make a sandwich when one will do, and he knocked it out of the park. The script was ridiculous however he made it sound chillingly real and at the end thanked us for the great ideas. That’s your quirky British humour, right?” Continue reading →

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by | May 14, 2015 · 7:00 am

Conspiracy theorists frustrated by bland ‘Black Spider’ letters

princecharles

The slippery bastard didn’t even ask for any paternity tests.

People who assumed Prince Charles was some kind of Machiavellian monster have been irritated by the sheer banality of his letters.

Published under the Freedom of Information Act, the previously secret letters contain nothing more than balanced, intelligent advice.

“It’s annoyed me, I just assumed we’d dig up some dirt”, said paranoia expert Nigel Lampoon. “But it’s all ‘Thanks for supporting my kid’s charity’, ‘please give our soldiers proper equipment’, and ‘I’d quite like to save the albatross’. The inconsiderate bastard.”
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by | May 13, 2015 · 11:00 am

Vegans clamour for shoes made from skin of world’s fattest man

nude shoes

Nude shoes are unusually well insulated.

Eight pairs of ‘nude’ shoes crafted from the excess skin of tubster Paul Mason are expected to break all records at a specialist vegan auction.

Suffolk-born Paul Mason was once hailed ‘the world’s fattest man’, but lost 160 kilos when his vending machine broke down. The rapid weight loss left him enveloped in loose folds of skin.

Now a leading designer has created the first vegan-friendly ‘leather’ shoes, from the excess material removed from Paul by New York surgeons.

“We managed to get two pairs of size 5s just from his left thigh”, said the creator, Brian Lichtenberg. “The leather is so soft, it’s really good quality.”

“There’s virtually no scars from where he’s scratched against barbed wire fences, although there are one or two stretch marks.”
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by | May 12, 2015 · 2:00 pm

BBC ratings soar with ‘Great British Sleep Off’

"Wake me up when Newsnight's over"

“Wake me up when Newsnight’s over”

Sleep is the latest relaxing activity to be turned into a stressful competition, thanks to a new show on BBC 1.

‘The Great British Sleep Off’ adds napping to the list of things we used to find therapeutic, such as cooking tea, doing a bit in the garden, or knitting a scarf.

“This is brilliant news”, said Harold’s Pippa Delaney. “I used to worry that my night-times were completely wasted. But now I can use that 7 or 8 hours to show off to my neighbours. Or make them cry, which is even better.”
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by | · 11:00 am

Miliband still waiting for Labour to reject his resignation

We Might As Well Be Strangers

We Might As Well Be Strangers

Aides close to Ed Miliband have depicted him as a broken man desperately believing that his beloved Party will call him and reject his resignation as Leader following last week’s General Election.

“People don’t realise the sacrifices Ed has gone through for the cause,” said close confidant, Cath Drucker.

“The poor man is still combing nits out of his hair after that interview with Russell Brand, Continue reading →

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by | · 8:56 am

Man stops to smell the roses and suddenly remembers he’s going to die

Businessman rose“I’d just been so … busy. Pressures of work, lots of chores to do round the house, and the kids constantly playing up. Existential stuff pretty much took a back seat” said Harold insurance assessor Alan Atkins.

“Then there was the distraction of the election, who would ultimately triumph? Those nasty Tories or those bumbling socialists? And what about Farage? Were some of his best friends really Muslim? I don’t know if there was a conclusive answer to that one.”
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by | May 11, 2015 · 8:29 pm

Alan Sugar suddenly remembers he’s a capitalist

alan sugar

Sir Alan embraces his first love.

Ruthless capitalist and renowned heartless bastard Alan Sugar has just realised he shouldn’t be in the Labour party.

“I don’t really make anything these days, I just rely on my assets to generate money’, said the ex-Labour peer. “Which is why I have so much more in common with the SNP.”

Sugar is best known for surrounding himself with idiots and then firing them one-by-one: a management model much admired by UKIP.

He is one of Britain’s greenest entrepreneurs, with fewer than 5% of his products being switched on by customers, after the first twenty minutes of ownership.
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by | · 4:11 am

“Screw you foxes!” Badgers delighted to move down a place on Tory hit list

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This is what a badger that’s laughing so hard it can’t get up looks like. So now you know.

Badgers across the UK are today dealing with fierce hangovers having spent all weekend celebrating David Cameron’s pledge to repeal the ban on fox hunting.

“It’s not that we hate foxes,” explained Furry Rita, one of the leaders of Harold’s badger community. “It’s more we’re loving not being Tory enemy number one any more. Claws-crossed they’ll even forget to send in the DEFRA death squads this year. Although do come if you fancy your chances, you shooty lowlife’s, we’ve got a surprise for you.” Continue reading →

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by | May 10, 2015 · 2:30 pm

“Next time I’ll leave cling film on toilet seat” says Liam Byrne

money left letter

Byrne after reading.

Liam Byrne has spoken of his remorse at the ‘sorry, there’s no money left’ note, which he left behind for Chancellor George Osborne.

In hindsight, Byrne admitted it was a crass thing to do, and vowed that in future, he would just leave clingfilm on the toilet.

“It wasn’t a very good joke, but no-one mentions the cress seeds I left in his carpet”, said Byrne. “That was a much better wheeze.”

“Or the 58 subscriptions to Readers Digest, or the 3 aircraft carriers with no aircraft to go on them”, he rued. “Classic.”
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by | · 12:00 pm

Fury as tame Bear killed for entertainment

Bear Grylled

Grylls demonstrates his new bouquet garni rucksack.

TV adventurer and annoying twat Bear Grylls was at the centre of an animal cruelty row last night as it emerged he was specially shipped to an island to be slaughtered by contestants on his show for “entertainment”.

Viewers were distressed by the scene in which the sleeping Bear was captured and killed on camera.

Animal rights campaigners claim the Bear was not afraid of people, and would not have run away when threatened.
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by | · 8:57 am

Guardian journalists debate ‘where did Labour go wrong?’ over bottles of Krug NV Grand Cuveé

dancona champers

D’Ancona proposed a ‘bottoms up’ redistribution.

As the shock of Labour’s election rout slowly wears off, Guardian journalists are debating where it all went wrong over bottles of Champagne and sliced Parmigiano-Reggiano.

“I think Ed failed to connect with the worker people who do things with their hands, shop people, and the like” said Matthew d’Ancona after his third glass.

“He should have done more photo-ops with those Northern men who wear funny hats with a torch on them and go underground to get stuff. Then the worker hand-stuff people would have warmed to Ed and trusted him to spend their money wisely.”
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by | May 9, 2015 · 10:15 am

Miliband, Farage, Clegg, and Balls form Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young tribute act

Ed MilibandAfter what they say is a ringing endorsement from the British public, Ed Miliband, Nigel Farage, Nick Clegg, and Ed Balls have formed a Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young tribute act.

“The people have spoken, and what they said was rather than govern the country, we want you to keep the flame of folk music alive in small intimate venues and the occasional low-key festival” said Ed Miliband. “It is quite an honour – I can’t wait till our first gig in what they call a ‘public house’ in Harold.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Guy Martin favourite to present Labour Party

guy martin

Guy Martin, and some packets of political promises.

Guy Martin is set to become the next Labour leader, if a bookies in Harold is to be believed.

Pulling ahead of Jodie Kidd and that shouty policeman from Life on Mars, Martin is odds-on favourite in the race to the red flag.

“What’s that chief?”, asked the adrenalin junkie, “leader of the pack? That’s not really my scene, I’m more of a racer than a moderate or a rocker.”
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by | May 8, 2015 · 11:58 am

Lib Dems ask for one more vote on out of work benefit reform

image Jobless former Liberal Democrat MPs are asking for just one more vote on benefit reform before their first appointment at the job centre on Tuesday.

Speaking after losing his seat to the SNP, Danny Alexander said he can now see the dangers of reducing benefits for those who find themselves out of work and thinks now would be a good time to reverse the cuts and sanctions he once supported.
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