“Air strike decision on hold until we decide what to call the bad people” – PM.
Caliphate of Ultra Nationalist Terrorists in Syria
David Cameron is expected to table an urgent commons vote this week to decide the next name to give to the terror group, formally known as ISIL.
The terrorist organization has undergone a series of radical name changes over the last 3 years as their PR machine struggles to find a universally acceptable brand. Continue reading
‘At least we know it’s not Christmas in November’, say Muslim refugees
August not too early to start
Muslim refugees arriving in Europe have been criticised for failing to observe the traditional November Christmas celebrations, it has emerged.
Rather than seamlessly integrating into the welcoming community, Muslim families have been aggressively neglecting to put up Christmas trees and tinsel, according to furious locals.
“I’m as tolerant as the next man,” accurately ranted resident Simon Williams from the local English village of Harold. “But when I see them coming here, making themselves at home and not even spraying any of that fake snow stuff on their window panes, I just want to kill.”
“I took a yule log round to one of them yesterday, and although he seemed quite grateful, he had the nerve to ask me wasn’t Christmas in December? I ask you, the cheek.” Continue reading
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Everyone knows someone called ‘Simon Williams’, scientists reveal
Admit it, you know one, don’t you? At least vaguely.
Ground-breaking new research has uncovered the fact that the entire population of the planet all know, at least vaguely, someone called ‘Simon Williams’, it emerged today.
The revelation, which came about as an accidental discovery while scientists were doing something else, has already been tipped for the coveted Nobel Prize for advances in the field of Simon Williams.
“It all came about by a bit of an accident,” explained one of the researchers. “My colleague Bob was telling me a joke in the lab, and I just mentioned that my mate Simon Williams would like it. He mentioned that he had a friend called Simon Williams too, but it turned out not to be the same guy.”
“That got us wondering if everyone knew someone called Simon Williams, and when we asked the other two guys at work, they both did. So 100% then. That’ll be a million quid, thanks.” Continue reading
Film-makers ‘bewildered’ at church service Star Wars ban
“Please, please let Harrison Ford be still cool”
Following the news that cinemas have banned a new advertisement for the Lord’s Prayer, Lucasfilm has has said it is “disappointed and bewildered” by the refusal of UK churches to screen the new Star Wars film.
Director J. J. Abrams called the decision “plain silly” and warned it could have a “chilling” effect on his pay check.
“In what is thankfully still a Star Wars-worshipping country, it seems perverse not to allow churchgoers to enjoy the movie during their spare time at the pew,” he insisted. “We’d turn the volume down a bit while the vicar was actually talking, so it wouldn’t get in the way at all.”
It had been hoped the film would be screened UK-wide in the middle of Christmas services, instead of the boring bit where they usually have kids holding candles and singing, but in a statement, the Church of England said it had a policy of not showing Star Wars movies in its places of worship.
“Not because of any risk of offending people,” a spokesperson explained, “It’s just that the last three were bollocks.”
Star Wars fans immediately condemned the decision, many pointing out that this year’s traditional all-night Easter Vigil at Westminster Abbey included a triple-header of all three Hobbit films, even though the last one was a bit crap.
Reports that this was because the Archbishop of Canterbury likes to take the robes home and play at being Gandalf could not be confirmed.
Police cuts will severely impact undercover shagging, say chiefs
Look out ladies!
Cuts to officer numbers will severely affect the ability of undercover police to have illegal affairs with women they have befriended, senior police chiefs have told the home secretary.
“It is the worst possible timing to be cutting police numbers now, in the current climate when so many officers fancy a quick one with members of the public who do not know they are actually police,” the letter insists.
“Especially with all the other stuff going on at the moment, our officers are going to have to choose between illicit nookie and protecting the public from bad people,” it continues.
“The obvious result is that the terrorists will win.”
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Joy as beloved dead bear’s head goes on display.
Pooh – what’s that smell?
As staff at London’s Hunterian museum prepare to exhibit the skull of the original Pooh bear, other museums have begun trawling through their store rooms for similar grisly treasures.
Oliver Letwin denies being a f*ck*ng idiot
Letwin doesn’t regret losing £3million “…as it wasn’t my own money, do you see?’
Appearing before the Commons public administration committee yesterday, an alleged minister claimed he’d spunked £3million of hard-working tax-payers’ cash down the drain because reasons. Not because he was an utter moron.
Oliver Letwin admits overruling government officials by paying £3m to Kids Company days before it collapsed but insists he doesn’t regret it “… as it wasn’t my own money, do you see?” Continue reading
US Muslims call for assholes to wear wigs
“Look, there’s one now!”
Following the news that Donald Trump has suggested forcing American Muslims to wear special badges, leading Muslims have called for assholes everywhere to be made to wear ridiculous comb-over-style wigs, so they can be avoided at a distance.
Trump told reporters at his campaign bunker this morning he had originally believed that people’s skin colour could be used as a handy warning of imminent terrorism, before coming up with the excellent but uneasily-familiar idea of registration and badging.
In response, a spokesman for Muslim Action Network, a leading US charity, suggested that the real problem might be avoiding assholes, not Muslims, and pointed out that seeing as Trump is already leading the way, a laughably piss-poor hairpiece might be an excellent way to spot those a-holes a-coming. Continue reading
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US states combat ‘threat to Christianity’ by abandoning everything in Bible
Twats in brown
In the face of a perceived threat to their Christian way of life, many US states have taken the brave decision to completely abandon all the principles that made the Bible a good thing in the first place.
Most states were planning to take in refugees fleeing from the conflict in Syria, but the fact that the Paris terrorists are apparently the same colour has provoked entirely-understandable panic among the fearless Americans.
The practical effect is for the entire southern USA to cancel all that stuff about Good Samaritans, charity and basically all the “Christian” bits of the New Testament.
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Fury as unsolicited Charlie Sheen compensation calls replace PPI nuisance
Aaaaaagh!
After years of being inundated by unsolicited calls providing PPI miss-selling compensation opportunities, the world is bracing itself for a deluge of calls from opportunistic law firms offering potential riches if you are one of the lucky millions to have been bedded by Charlie Sheen.
Only a day after the actor comedian admitted his positive HIV status, the calls have started. Harold resident Nigel Thorvald grumpily answered his phone at five o’clock this morning only to hear the following pre-recorded message:
“Have you been shagged at any time by Charlie Sheen? If so, we believe you may be entitled to compensation. Please dial 967 to be put in touch with a fully trained advisor with an accent you can’t understand.” Continue reading
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Ken Livingstone: Labour’s defence policy will be “to ask for an apology”
Ken says ‘He started it.’
Ken Livingstone, chair of Labour’s defence review, says not apologising to Kevan Jones for a mental health slur “until he apologises to me”, is an exemplar of Labour’s new direction on defence policy.
“My whole life models how the country should be run.” explained the former London Mayor and enthusiastic tax-payer.
“Rather like Jesus, Continue reading
BBC retains rights to pocket billiards
Lineker, wearing his helmet.
In a coup for the corporation, the BBC has managed to beat off some stiff competition, and retain the rights to pocket billiards.
Despite facing the loss of football, Formula 1, rugby, cricket, MotoGP, the boat race, the Grand National, darts and snooker, pocket billiards remains firmly in Auntie’s grasp.
“They’ve asked me to do they commentary”, said Gary Lineker, while jingling some change.”It’s not my speciality, but I think I can pull it off.”
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Goebbels family suing Daily Mail over vermin refugee cartoon
mac’s allegedly controversial cartoon
The family of former Nazi Reich Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels has announced immediate legal action against the Daily Mail newspaper, following the Mail’s cartoon comparing Middle-Eastern refugees to rats.
Goebbels’ famous propaganda movies and posters also pictured Jewish people as fleeing rodents, and according to German lawyers the Mail is guilty of blatant copyright infringement.
“It’s not that we don’t like what they’re doing,” explained a Goebbels family member at a press conference this morning in a Munich beer-hall. “We think Josef would have been right behind them, it’s more the principle.”
Daily Mail cartoonist Mac was quick to defend his cartoon, saying: “I’ve never copied anyone, it’s all blatant nasty lying bullshit – which I have to hold my hands up and admire, to be honest.”
“If I’ve been influenced in any way by Nazi propaganda, that would be purely subconsciously, an innocent result of spending many happy days surrounded by Nazi memorabilia, poring over Mein Kampf into the late hours. A bit of that stuff is bound to sink in.”
In a further twist, it emerged that representatives of current neo-Nazi parties were “closely studying” the rest of the Daily Mail’s content.
“That’s not because we’re thinking of suing or anything,” explained one fascist, “We just think it’s a bloody good read.”
Calls for Europe’s borders to be closed as Australia joins Eurovision 2016
Sod off, Australia. Ain’t no wombats in the European Union flag.
Europe’s leaders are coming under intense pressure to close the borders now that Australia has infiltrated the Eurovision Song Contest for the second year running.
“This is beyond a joke,” said villager and seasoned Eurovision viewer Jane Hough. “When will the Eurovision powers that be realise that the majority of people don’t support their policy of letting anyone in? Australia is not compatible with Europe and especially not with the UK. They have endless sun and great sports teams, we have endless Katie Price and oh my god what happened during the rugby world cup?” Continue reading
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Corbyn opposes ‘shoot on sight’ policy for England football team
Jeremy Corbyn has appealed to Wayne Rooney not to shoot on sight this evening but to attempt to coax the ball in with reason and dialogue first.
Corbyn favours peaceful resolution of international disputes, whether in Northern Ireland, the Middle East, or the dreary north-London suburb of Wembley.
Arbitrary time limits don’t help though, he said.”To build trust takes much longer than 90 minutes, and both of the teams and the innocent ball should be prepared to stay on until the weekend, maybe longer.”
“A well-known technique in the process is the use of various trust games.” explained the 2015 Labour leader. “One participant might, say, guide a blindfolded colleague round an obstacle course; so, very useful for Joe Hart.”
Corbyn outlined how other exercises can then move things on to a higher level. “Team-building exercises are especially helpful and might involve, say, building a log raft or engaging in some form of co-operative sport. Possibly volleyball or football”.
People who now want all religion banned still expecting Christmas presents
Grrr…Sky Fairy…Brain washed….opium of the masses…where’s my Chrissie Pressie?
As social media continues to be dominated by varying opinions on religion many of which only make readers wonder if the person posting them ever even went to school, it has emerged that those now calling for all religion to be banned or dismissing it out of hand as childish nonsense are still expecting lots of lovely gifts on 25th December.
“When I tweeted that religion is more harmful to humans than arsenic and should be treated accordingly I wasn’t talking about Christmas,” said village keyboard warrior Ros Shaw. “I love Christmas! I mean I totally believe that no religion has ever done anything good and that they’re all death cults which only appeal to the feeble minded but I’m so looking forward to putting up the deccies and having a really good time. I love the carols best, O Little Town of Bethlehem always gives me the shivers. It’s so beautiful.” Continue reading
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Grieving cat owner criticised for not feeling sad about other people’s dead pets
Forever in my heart Miffy
Miffy, a tabby cross of uncertain parentage, was tragically killed last Saturday when crushed by a large crate of halal meat that fell from a passing truck. A distraught Ms Kettle changed her Facebook profile picture to show Miffy, and added a post saying “My beautiful tabby baby – forever in my heart. RIP Miffykins.”
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BBC to remake the classic 1979 Election Special.
The atmosphere was electric. Probably all the nylon.
Following the successful remake of 1970’s classics such as The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, Poldark and a militant left wing Labour Party, the BBC has announced that it is to reboot the 1979 BBC Election special as a 10 part serial. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, Entertainment, Lifestyle, News, Nostalgia, Politics, Showbusiness
Health charities slam Domino’s new ‘pizza smoothie’
27 of your one a week.
Public health charities are up in arms following Domino’s launch of the ‘pizza smoothie’.
The drink, which consists of three slices of pizza blended with ice-cream and a banana, is being touted as a ‘healthy breakfast’ by the firm, despite containing more than 5,000 calories.
The smoothie is the latest escalation in pizza technology. Dr Oswald Gruber, chief cheese dynamicist for Pizza Hut, started the process when he invented a high pressure cheese lance, capable of forcing super-heated Monterey Jack into any crevice. The ‘cheese-stuffed crust’ was born, closely followed by the Rennie topping.
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