B.o.B contemplating serious things.
Hippety hoppity rap singer and renowned expert in cartography and basic astrophysics, B.o.B has amused and amazed his fans on social media recently by declaring his belief that the world is flat. Continue reading
Earth is 2 dimensional, insists one dimensional pop star.
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Filed under Badgers, Entertainment, idiots, Media, music, News, science, Showbusiness, Social media, Space
Asylum seekers forced to wear ‘It’s a Knockout’ costumes
Daily struggle to fit in
Asylum seekers in Cardiff face humiliation by being forced to wear distinctive costumes from the old TV series It’s a Knockout, it emerged today.
In order to qualify for food and housing, the refugees must dress up as grotesque ogres, bloated Tweedledums or even monstrously inflated parrots, according to complaints made to journalists.
One asylum seeker explained the unpleasant conditions his family faced: “In order to qualify for food, I had to dress up in a ridiculous French waiter costume with a massively over-sized head, and negotiate a slippery obstacle course while being sprayed with water.”
“Hardly any of the locals had giant heads, so everyone could tell straight away I was a refugee. To make it worse, I kept slipping over on the giant turntable when they sprayed water on me, and there was a guy with a microphone laughing his head off and shouting ‘HERE COME THE SYRIANS!'” Continue reading
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Filed under Politics, Showbusiness
Charities ‘last chance’ to be bastards
Chuggers are the least of your worries, the thin end of your wedge
An influential committee of MPs has warned charities they’ve a ‘last chance’ to rip-off vulnerable givers, before a new regulator starts work.
“Opportunities for such outrageous, systematic, and heartless abuse will soon disappear” said PACAC chairman Bernard Jenkin “So my advice is to steam in now, while you still can.”
Asylum seekers forced to wear Man Utd shirts
In the biggest blow to their dignity yet, UK asylum seekers are being clothed in Man Utd shirts.
Asylum seekers have previously been forced to wear red wristbands in Cardiff, and the front doors of their accommodation has been painted red in Birmingham, but that doesn’t compare with the humiliation of being dressed in Man Utd colours, say refugee rights activists.
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IDS wants a hard copy of “disabled whiners’ letter”, so he can bin it
Duncan Smith hears the latest suicide figures for benefit claimants
An open letter from disability groups has been slammed by Iain Duncan Smith for ‘lacking substance’, meaning he can’t throw it in the waste-paper bin; one of the best bits of his job.
Duncan Smith explained how he’s eradicating poverty by eradicating the poor and now wants to roll out the same approach to the disabled.
“The current system only encourages people to be disabled. Continue reading
“Vicars should grow beards to reach out to hipsters”
Bishop Richard about to body-slam an invisible, clean-shaven priest
Clergy in Harold have been advised to grow beards to emphasise their commitment to hipsters, the Bishop of London has suggested.
Rt Reverend Richard Chartres said that Harold risks falling behind areas like Shoreditch, where bushy beards, lumberjack cassocks and artisanal breads at communion have helped Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Religion
Kanye West ‘delighted’ he has new constellation too
Following the announcement that he is going to soil David Bowie’s legacy by recording a rubbish tribute album, Kanye West has also insisted that he too should get a new constellation in his honour.
Scientists recently announced a new lightning bolt-shaped constellation has been registered as a memorial to Bowie, and Kanye immediately called for his own stellar tribute.
The same team of astronomers were quick to announce the new “Kanye Constellation” in the stars of Ursa Major, which has been informally named “The Knob”.
Corbyn-inspired oil price slump ‘a threat to UK recovery’ says Osborne
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve a housing estate to build, single-handed
As the world’s economy teeters on the brink of another crash, the Chancellor has identified that the blame lies with Jeremy Corbyn. “It’s his fault. Oh, and Liam Byrne, do you remember – ‘I’m afraid there’s no money’?, that’s him.”
Mr Osborne is angry that his successful long-term economic plan is being put at risk, by the Labour leader’s reckless meddling with the world’s economic levers. Continue reading
Filed under Economy, International News, News, Politics
Banksy to relaunch a Dismaland the size of Wales, in Wales
It’s not always this good…
Inspired by the closing of the Port Talbot steel plant and the 81 consecutive days of rain in Pembrokeshire, Bristol spray can dauber Banksy has announced the relaunch of Dismaland, this time on a national scale.
“You have had to pay the entry fee at the Severn Bridge for the prototype that has been running for a few decades now anyway, so people are ready for the step up” said the celebrated vandal.
Ex-pupils suing school for not letting them complete Granny’s Garden
Balls to The Exorcist this is real horror
Thirty-two years since they were told to leave the BBC Micro and get back to studying their Kathy & Mark books former pupils of Harold’s St Mary’s Primary School are suing it for not letting them complete the educational game Granny’s Garden.
“The damage has been huge,” said Rebecca Shaw, now aged 38. “We got as far as the dragons and having to work out which one to befriend and then Miss said we had to stop. Which dragon would’ve been our friend? The not knowing has ruined my life.” Continue reading
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Filed under Education
Maybe this one won’t end your marriage: defunct Friends Reunited launch Friends Reunited Reunited
Without Friends Reunited where on the web will we go to pretend to be happy? What alternative could there possibly be?
Pioneering social network Friends Reunited has closed after being deserted by millions of users who migrated to Facebook for all their creating an online persona that is a tissue of lies plus kitten videos and Minions memes needs.
Those few remaining souls addicted to Friends Reunited’s particular blend of anxiety and schadenfreude are being advised not to despair but instead sign up for Friends Reunited Reunited. A new site is dedicated to the old one’s glory days of recklessly throwing away your marriage for the chance to at long last play nug-a-nug with your fifth form crush. Continue reading
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Filed under Social media
Grim Reaper putting together a bloody brilliant band
The Grim Reaper has announced that his project for 2016 is to put together a truly remarkable band in the afterlife.
“I took Lemmy and then thought, hang on, this could be the start of something big so I carried on,” the anthropomorphic personification told us. “After Lemmy for bass I went huge for the front man and got Bowie and now there’s also Dale Griffin on drums and Glenn Frey on lead guitar.”
“A band this awesome needs a hugely charismatic person to introduce them and no one fits the bill like Alan Rickman.” Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment
OAP fare dodgers reform for one last job
A notorious gang of elderly fare dodgers have reformed to commit a major fraud on the London transport system by catching the 9.27am Surbiton to Waterloo train without paying the before 9.30am supplement.
The fare dodgers range in age from 61 to 76, and have been responsible for a number of the UK’s biggest public transport frauds.
Ringleader Charlie ‘the Spreadsheet’ Yates, a 76 year old retired accountant from Basingstoke, learnt the fare evasion trade from father Big Mikey Yates and soon mastered the art of getting off at the last unmanned station before a major terminus and walking the rest of the way. As he got older and less able to walk the big distances, Yates pioneered the Clapham Junction ‘switch’ over the 1980s which enabled him to travel 80 miles with only a zone 2 Travelcard.
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Filed under Crime
Jeremy Hunt walks out on 24 hour strike
Wiping spittle from his chin he shouted “That way madness lies.”
In an unexpected twist to the Junior Doctors’ dispute, Jeremy Hunt has balloted himself and after a 100% vote in favour of industrial action, promptly walked out on a 24 hour strike.
Standing by a brazier in Whitehall, the Health Secretary remained in the mood characteristic of his approach throughout. “Right, let’s see how they like it; those bastards will come crawling back Continue reading
TV hypnotist makes Jeremy Hunt push Junior Doctors ‘over the edge’
“Nothing up my sleeves. Nothing between my ears”
TV viewers were shocked yesterday as they watched Jeremy Hunt, acting under the influence of illusionist Derren Brown, pushed a large proportion of Junior Doctors over the edge into strike action.
“It was awful.” said Elsie Duggan, a resident at Over-the-Hill Nursing Home in Harold. “Watching the build up, it was obvious what was going to happen. Hunt looked completely crazed, although to be fair that’s his normal look. Continue reading
‘Don’t care, I live behind huge gates’: Osborne indifferent to financial doom
If it all kicks off he’s got lots of friends who look like this
Dead-eyed Blue Meanie in a human being costume, George Osborne, has spoken of his indifference to the approaching financial apocalypse.
“Don’t really give one to be honest,” he said. “Maybe it should all go boom and slip into invigorating chaos. For one thing all that foraging and fighting would solve the obesity crisis. When I’m ordered to go out and meet the public I often think that what would benefit almost all of them the most is a good dose of Hunger Games.” Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
PM to demolish the worst social housing, before selling-off the rest
Dave practices his Very Earnest face
Like his idol Churchill before him, David Cameron has launched his own version of Blitz spirit only in a modern twist he’ll be the one flattening thousands of people’s homes.
Many of the UK’s worst estates will be bulldozed, in his Blitz on poverty, creating more space for rich people.
Appearing on The Andrew Marr Show, the Prime Minister wore his Very Earnest face, answering questions so fluently one might almost imagine he’d sent them in to the BBC in advance. Continue reading
Katie Hopkins condemns Mein Kampf as ‘an amateur work of hatred’
Despite the first edition of Mein Kampf in 70 years selling out instantly, an unimpressed Katie Hopkins condemned it as ‘derivative’ and ‘an amateur work of hatred’.
“Hitler was a one trick pony – anti-semitism was rife in Europe for 1000 years so it was hardly cutting edged hatred” spat Hopkins, who hates Muslims, fat people, fat Muslims, women, fat Muslim women, gingers, fat gingers, refugees, thin refugees, the disabled, unemployed people, fat ginger unemployed people, and Lily Allen.
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Filed under News
PM: Parents need to teach children “to vote the right way”
“You in the track suit bottoms, yes you. Vote conservative.”
David Cameron has confirmed that his Life Chances Strategy for tackling child poverty must focus on parenting skills and completely ignore the effects of his own policies.
“If we waste time finding why there’s half a million more children in poverty since I became Prime Minister,” Mr Cameron joked with journalists “we’d have precious few resources left to tackle the real issue, which is teaching your kids to vote conservative.”
New toilet you clean once a year sounds like a lot of effort, say teenagers
An “intelligent” toilet that only has to be cleaned once a year sounds like more trouble than it’s worth, teenagers claimed today.
The Neorest 750H toilet, on display at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, uses electrolysed water and ultraviolet light to break down bacteria, so the bowl does not have to be cleaned for at least a year.
“That sounds like a real drag to me,” insisted Melanie Delaney, 19, from the English village of Harold today.
“In our house we have a toilet, and I’m pretty certain it’s never been cleaned, like not ever.”
“It never seems to get dirty though, so I can’t see why we’d want one you have to clean every year. And it doesn’t sound like a fun job, anyway.”
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