Millions of workers across the UK are getting prepared to phone up their boss on Monday and declare themselves ‘stranded’ by the 1mm of snowfall on their drive.
The flurry of the white stuff fell on Friday night, but some are hoping it will stay on the ground long enough to justify an extra week off work.
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#cloudporn: the intense kind that most definitely needs a safety word
A severe bullshit warning has been issued for the UK as the media chucks a whalloping mungo over the weather bomb. Members of the public are advised to not put their brains at risk by exposing themselves to too much sensationalist hype featuring over-excited media jackals dropping the phrase ‘weather bomb’ repeatedly and with a palpable erotic charge.
As severe storms lash down on us with more fury than that which Iain Duncan Smith has towards those in need, the news will constantly show images of arseholes seemingly desperate to de-select themselves from the gene pool by standing on the most exposed coastal walls possible, and the railway track in Dawlish deciding that the land just wasn’t cutting it and opting to become part of the ocean kingdom once more.
Readers should also be aware that the coming days offer a massively increased chance of seeing David Cameron in wellingtons and a fleece doing ‘concern face’ at flood victims. Plus people who don’t have a sense of humour proving it by quipping “The weather bomb’s hit – insert name of local despised town – and done £10 million of improvements!”
The weather bomb is predicted to be at its most powerful in Scotland though only time will tell if it can succeed where Alex Salmond failed and cut it off from England.
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The eyes have had it.
Recent mild winters have been blamed for parliament’s upper house roll-call remaining stubbornly complete.
“Unless we get a severe cold snap, it may not be easy to lever in everyone who’s bought a peerage” said worried Tory Treasurer Lord Fink “so the PM will check long-range weather forecasts before making his final decision on numbers.”
After the Fred Goodwin scandal, big-money party donors saw that knighthoods could be lost for trifling matters, such as misplacing billions of pounds, and were more willing to stump up the extra for the guaranteed security of a peerage. Continue reading
‘I suppose this means I’ll have to have a bloody choc ice.’
Miserable sods across the country have been left ‘dangerously exposed’ by a recent bout of half-decent weather.
Most Britons tend to agree that there are several things to moan about, and few notice that it’s the same group of dour pessimists at the forefront of that moaning.
“That printer that always runs out of paper. The food van that only has gaps left where the sandwiches used to be by the time it gets to you. The way your children pretend to be out, rather than let you in to ruin their evening”, said PC Anita Flegg.
“These are all things we tolerate people whinging away at, we just sagely nod along. But complaining about the sunshine? I think these buggers have crossed the line.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Weather
The sun: wonderful yet ultimately deadly, just like cake
Today is the hottest day of the year so far. Thus we proudly present the following top facts about the big yellow bastard to entertain you as you swelter. And remember when the mercury rises to always wear sunscreen, to drink lots of water and that while dogs don’t like being kept in hot cars elderly relatives absolutely love it.
Sun-packed Fun Facts
1. The sun was discovered in 1836 by pioneering scientist Sir Hubert Sun. Before then everything was dark.
2. 40% of Americans believe that the sun is the warmth from God’s smile.
3. At night, it turns into the moon. Many primitive tribes still believe they are two different things.
4. FIFA chief Sepp Blatter has admitted that holding the 2022 World Cup there may be a mistake, due to the sun’s poor transport links.
5. Prolonged exposure to the sun alters your brain chemistry causing you to believe you look great in shorts when in reality the opposite is true.
6. The sun isn’t perfectly spherical. There’s a bit that sticks out, shaped like that mole on your back.
7. Potatoes are baby suns that haven’t yet hatched.
8. The sun does not have a hat on. That would be racist.
9. Staring at the sun isn’t bad for your eyes. It just highlights the absolute futility of your meaningless, pathetically short existence.
10. Strictly speaking, the sun is not a planet at all – it is a sun.
11. When the sun is very sad at what you are doing, he cries. This is called “rain”. The worse you are, the more rain you will get.
12. Everything in the solar system revolves around the sun, except Piers Morgan’s ego.
13. The sun is the only star with its own dedicated newspaper, which contains important news about the solar system, and tits.
14. The sun used to go to Australia at night but Tony Abbott won’t let it in.
15. The sun is so hot that if you tried to eat an ice cream on it the ice cream would melt before you even had chance to drop it down your shirt. This would be the least of your worries though, because you would have died a fiery death.
Worryingly clean: Families fear they may soon enjoy UK holidays
A shocking rise in the number of UK beaches that have become ‘clean enough to holiday on’ is being blamed on man-made global warming.
With dryer, warmer summers leading to less run-off into coastal areas, some families fear they could soon find themselves vacationing in Rhyl.
“It’s a vicious circle”, complained David Evans, occasional holidayer and amateur climatologist. “Our carbon emissions seem to be causing ever more barbecues on the beach. I don’t want to alarm you unnecessarily, but I’ve drawn a graph to show the trend. By 2020, even Blackpool could be largely turd-free.”
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RUINED: Incomers have created ‘mouth breather ghettos’
The City of Atlantis is struggling to cope with the sheer number of ‘climate change refugees’ pouring in from the West Country.
Once a quiet, moist metropolis with a bouyant economy, Atlantis now resembles ‘something from a Wurzels video’, according to one resident.
“They come down here with their rough cider, their red neckerchiefs and their lungs, and expect us to provide them with air”, claimed merlady Floella Kelp. “I wouldn’t mind, but some of them have brought accordians and leave sticky lumps of Stinking Bishop all over the place. I’m all for multi-culturalism but there has to be a limit.”
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Filed under Culture, environment, News, Weather
National weather guessrs the Met Office are branching out into a new variety of forecasting. Starting next week they’ll be watching the sky maps to provide us with daily horoscopes.
It’s an open secret that some of the nation’s best known weather broadcasters are keen astrologists with Michale ‘Fickle’ Fish and Ian ‘Mystic Mac’ McCaskill famed for their powers of foresight.
We managed to speak to top weatherist Carol Kirkwood offa the BBC, and she gave us a sneak preview of what we can expect “With temperatures soaring in middle England this week, Libras in the Harold area may begin to feel the heat. You will be tempted to pull a sickie and sunbathe, but be carefully optimistically cautious about complications this may cause around money.
Britain could boost its Olympic medal tally today, after breaking the track record in the Pointless Road Gritting Relay qualifiers.
With the UK team deploying grit to tackle everything from high winds, fallen trees and silted-up rivers that used to be motorways, few countries look like they have enough in the tank to really threaten for gold.
“When the chips are down and the elements throw everything they have at us, only the British show this level of resolve”, said head coach Nigel Withers. “No matter what the temperature or road conditions we only know one thing and that thing is this: driving slowly in a lorry with all the yellow lights on and spraying everything with small rocks until we’ve won.”
Filed under Politics, Uncategorized, Weather
Could we really be back to scenes like this by Easter?
Amazing but true! Here is a round up of the latest flood news:
Hosepipe Ban Despite floods covering vast swathes of the West Country and now, the Thames Valley, it has emerged that a hosepipe ban is still in force in some areas. In confirming the news, a spokesperson for South West Water from the Isle of Taunton, said “We usually gauge the need for maintaining a ban by checking the reservoirs; however, the reservoirs have mysteriously disappeared so we have to remain cautious, otherwise everyone will be whingeing about a drought by Easter. We don’t know what happened to the reservoirs but we suspect looting.” Continue reading
A playing field at Eton: more important than you, your families or your homes could ever be to this government
As the Thames bursts its banks and parts of Berkshire flooded the Environment Agency swung into action with an ongoing and limitlessly resourced operation sanctioned by the government to ensure that not one inch of Eton College’s four hundred acres of grounds gets even slightly damp. Continue reading
Filed under environment, Weather
Narrow escape for all of us
Locals were celebrating a ‘lucky escape’ this morning as a sinkhole measuring 50 meters deep opened up without warning in High Wycombe, completely swallowing up Michael Gove.
Locals woke up in the village of Walter’s Ash to find the enormous hole had appeared over night. It was not realised that Gove had been visiting the village until one householder noticed his ego just visible over the edge of the huge pit.
“It’s a miracle no damage was done,” said a Buckinghamshire Fire Services spokesman. “I’ve got kids at a local state school, and I can’t stress enough what a lucky escape they’ve had.” Continue reading
The Scouts, Territorial and Salvation Armies have been stood down in Harold after experts confirmed it was the heavy winds that blew 11 recycling boxes in to the middle of the road, and it was not the start of an Eco-invasion.
“The alarm was raised at 5am this morning during the storm,” PC Flegg told us. “We had calls from several concerned residents who say the recycling boxes were taking up ‘a combat position’ in the middle of the road.
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Filed under Christmas, environment, News, Travel, Weather
Coming soon to an ocean near you!
Oceanologists were said to be “totally stoked” today at the news that the massive new Antarctic iceberg will float into the mid-Atlantic just as the famous London “fatberg”, recently disgorged from the capital’s sewers, also enters the same region of ocean.
The iceberg has appeared from a 270 square mile frozen shelf which recently split off from the Antarctic Pine Island Glacier, while the fatberg is a fifty tonne dollop of accumulated human unpleasantness which nearly crippled the London sewage system.
It is expected that the two giant bergs will swirl ever-closer, each warily seeking maritime supremacy, until they finally clash in a spectacular orgy of bergy power, filling the sea for miles around with raining death of ice splinters and soft fatty globules. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, Penguins, science, Weather
Heseltine criticised the witch for buying an American broom.
With confirmation that Baroness Thatcher’s ‘Halloween Fly-By’ route will pass directly over Harold on Tuesday, local astronomers have every chance of an excellent view of the comet-like phenomenon.
The former PM’s icy skeleton said she’s ‘really looking forward to dusting off the old broomstick and heading up North to scare the living daylights out of Arthur Scargill.’
She is due to depart Gatwick Airport at 1900 hours, regardless of the weather, flying directly over Harold before arriving in the Barnsley area around midnight. A defiant Scargill tweeted ‘Ooh, see me quaking in me pit boots, pet.’
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Oxford Street as it’s predicted to be by tomorrow. We don’t know the cause of the storm for sure but we’re fairly convinced it’s happening because David Cameron shot an albatross.
The country is officially at panic stations this morning ever since a BBC weather presenter told viewers of Breakfast that the approaching storm won’t be serious.
“It was terrifying,” said Sally Kettle who was watching in her kitchen in Harold. “She was all calm and said ‘Earlier on today apparently a woman left a post on our message board and said she’d heard that there is a hurricane on the way. Well, if you’re watching, don’t worry, there isn’t...’ then she looked right into the camera and gave a reassuring little smile. You know what that means, don’t you? We’re doomed!”
Way cooler than smoke rings.
The current spate of early morning mists, turning foggy later, followed by torrential downpours across much of Britain is directly proportional to the recent upsurge in the number of people vaping. That was the stark warning today from Harold’s newest resident, ‘observational climatologist’ Mike Anderson.
Mike spends his day ‘hanging round and commenting on the weather’. He is the author of ‘British Weather, An Introduction’ and his latest research centres round a noticeable increase in the number of people vaping, measured against general wetness. ‘It is just a theory at this stage,’ he said, ‘but so was Higgs boson.’
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