Category Archives: Transport

by | March 28, 2015 · 7:00 am

Dermot O’Leary to host Bland Gear

oleary

An inanimate object, in front of a racing car.

Evergrey favourite Dermot O’Leary has been chosen by the BBC to host a new show about the mundanity of transport.

Fun-tolerating Dermot, 61, welcomed his new challenge, and has pledged to own a car in the near future.

“This is an exciting time”, said O’Leary, with 13.53pm in mind.

“A lot of the 350 million worldwide viewers of Top Gear were put off by its shameless entertainment, and that’s something I’m here to nip in the bud.”

Dermot is looking forward to presenting his update of ‘a star in a reasonably underpowered car’, where the aim is to use the least fuel in an unfilmed lap of the track.
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by | March 25, 2015 · 2:00 pm

Highways Agency regrets awarding road maintenance contract to ISIS.

The road, the hole road and nothing but the road.

The road, the hole road and nothing but the road.

There are red faces in the Highways Agency following a rash of complaints from motorists about the large number of potholes appearing on Britain’s roads. Motoring organizations and MPs are blaming the Highways Agency after it was discovered that the lucrative road maintenance contract was awarded to an unknown firm called Integrated Expert Developments from the Islamic State. Continue reading →

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by | March 16, 2015 · 10:10 pm

Virgin train cancelled due to missing smelly poo

branson

Branson promised the train would soon be pulling out of the station.

A Virgin train from Manchester to Euston was cancelled today, after the toilet in one of the carriages was found to be bearable.

The rail operator apologised to passengers but insisted that it was ‘more than their franchise was worth’ to attempt the journey without a foul-smelling pan trout.

“Our staff are trained to inspect the toilets on a regular basis, and deal quickly with anything that looks remotely hygenic”, said PR director Gordon Keeble.

“Unfortunately this train has been the scene of some vigorous flushing, and on this occasion, none of our staff were fully ‘up to the job’.”
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by | February 6, 2015 · 2:15 pm

“We hate you”: new train tickets to tell the truth about UK railways

train ticket

She’s got a ticket to ride but they don’t care

Train tickets have been redesigned to include a key detail omitted from previous versions – the truth.

“We don’t like our passengers. Not at all,” said Louis Cypher, Network Rail’s chief spokesperson. “We like having lots of money, the government giving us more and all the loot being divided between us and the shareholders of the various rail companies. We’re fed up of having to lie about it. If you’re stupid enough to pay our prices even if you have to stand most of the way every single day then we’re going to treat you with the contempt you so richly deserve.” Continue reading →

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by | January 22, 2015 · 11:30 am

Continual weather warnings blamed as motorway drivers abandon cars despite perfect conditions

Blizzard conditions on the M1 near Harold

Blizzard conditions on the M1 near Harold

Despite perfect driving conditions, there was traffic chaos yesterday when motorists abandoned their cars on motorways following the umpteenth severe weather forecast this week.

Police struggled to keep traffic moving as one by one, drivers pulled onto the hard shoulder and started making their way on foot along the motorways towards the dubious sanctuary of service stations carrying spades and thermos flasks, anxiously looking at the sky.

Eventually most of the motorway network of the South of England was closed.

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by | December 30, 2014 · 1:00 pm

Network Rail boss turns down £34k bonus due to be paid as a season ticket

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Network Rail chief executive Mark Carne has turned down his £34,000 bonus which was due to be paid to him in the form of a season ticket for his daily commute.

“We had agreed that as the £34,000 was the equivalent of my season ticket between home and the three stops to work, I would just receive a free season ticket” he explained.

“That didn’t include drinks, food or any level of customer service but I could have stretched to a cup of tea and egg mayo sandwich out of my £675,000 salary. Not every day though, maybe just once a month.”

He has made the decision because of the overrunning engineering works that have caused havoc around the country’s rail network.

“I have to take responsibility for ruining the Christmas season for many passengers, and that’s why I have turned the ticket down.” He continued.

“That, and I couldn’t use it anyway. Have you tried catching a train recently? No bloody chance.”

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by | October 27, 2014 · 5:07 pm

HS3 will give northerners the opportunity of not finding work right across the north of England

The North. That way, isn't it?

The North. That way, isn’t it?

David Cameron welcomed plans for HS3 this afternoon, after reading at least three pages of a report by HS2’s Sir David Higgins over luncheon.

“It’s much easier to plan than to implement,” said the PM “so I’m grateful for Sir David’s searching analysis with all its potential for shuffling that £1.7b Euro-Invoice onto page two … err … for linking up the great centres of northern unemployment … err … Continue reading →

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by | September 18, 2014 · 11:00 am

Purpose of Ukraine aid convoy finally revealed: Putin sends Gerard Depardieu to disputed border

Depardieu claimed he drinks 'up to 14 lorry-loads of wine every day'

Depardieu claimed he drinks ‘up to 14 lorry-loads of wine every day’

Russia’s largest transport aircraft has been extensively refitted, so that Gérard Depardieu can be airlifted to the Ukraine frontline. In a daring operation that exceeded the airframe’s carrying capacity by some 26%, Depardieu was delivered intact but hungry and dangerously low on wine.

“As soon as I heard about Ukraine, I phoned my agent to see if such a trip was tax-deductable”, said the actor. “Then I had lunch, some patisseries and a small bucket of brandy. After that it was time for a money wash, a whole roast goose and a litre or so of pernod. That’s when I was struck in the back by a grappling hook, and winched aboard the plane.”

The logistics were difficult and involved several attempts at in-flight re-patéing. “The Russian airforce does not yet have the capability to store more than a tonne and a half of carefully refrigerated foie gras on a plane”, explained Depardieu.

The sweat-drenched hulk is considered a ‘heart throb’ in his ex-native France, a diagnosis that was confirmed by his team of cardiac surgeons.
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by | July 29, 2014 · 6:56 am

Jeremy Clarkson opens UK’s first Troll Bridge

troll brige

Clarkson entertains a worker by pointing out his ethnicity.

Motoring bigot Jeremy Clarkson has opened the first troll bridge in Britain, which allows drivers to abuse migrant workers and then drive off at speed.

Snipping the BBC red tape using a sort of scissor sign with his fingers, Clarkson explained that this represented England’s victory at Agincourt.

“The troll bridge gives motorists a chance to express themselves”, said Clarkson. “But being in a car, you can roar away before the recipient can complain.”

Clarkson explained how the system works. “You stop at the barrier, racially abuse the member of staff in the booth, then congratulate yourself on having a nicer car than them.”
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by | June 19, 2014 · 11:00 am

Tesco in-store speed bumps will tackle ‘mobility scooter menace’

scooters

Cake and biscuits can also be used to slow scooters down.

Tesco has announced a range of mobility scooter calming measures, including speed bumps placed at regular intervals in the aisles.

Analysts have linked Tesco’s fall in profits with last year’s purchase of a Sunset Freedom Anklebain by Harold pensioner Doris Kettle. Draped in rain gear and cackling manically as she careers around the store while high on Sanatogen, some shoppers are so desperate they’re even taking their chances in Lidl.

Store manager Paul Watts hopes to restore some civility to his store, and the speed bumps are just one part of a strategy to get Doris to ‘Slow the Hell Down’.
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by | June 11, 2014 · 11:00 am

Passportless British family claim asylum in Disneyland

sad disney

Family will flee to Universal Studios in future.

A family from Harold has spoken of their desperate journey to Disneyland, after their passports were processed a bit slowly.

With time running out fast for the Smiths, dad Michael feared they may be forced to seek holiday in Norfolk. He wasn’t prepared to subject his two children to such a fate.

“We’d done everything right”, claimed Michael. “There was a good 16 hours to go until the ferry left at the point when I filled in the passport application forms. Then I popped them on the mantelpiece for Linda to take to the post office. And yet somehow, they still haven’t bloody arrived.”
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by | June 7, 2014 · 8:00 am

Veteran who escaped to Normandy vows ‘to press on to Berlin’

normandy beach

Lest we remember: veteran hopes EU will stand up to oppression of the vulnerable

A veteran who escaped a care home to find liberation in France has vowed not to rest until he reaches Berlin.

Reginald Evans, 91, tunnelled out of the care home and dodged guard towers around the perimeter.

Using false papers that showed he was a 27 year-old brunette from Harold, Evans won a job as a ferry captain and made his way to the continent.
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by | April 28, 2014 · 7:01 am

Letter written from Titanic includes first recorded instance of “WTF”

dr fortIt had been thought that the letter sold for a record £119,000 at the weekend had been the last letter written from the Titanic, but now another letter has surfaced which was not only being written at the moment of impact with the iceberg but also includes the first written instance of the acronym ‘WTF’.

“This is a really exciting find,” said auctioneer Jack Hamburg of auctioneers Hamburg & Grunter. “The letter actually refers to the iceberg itself, before moving into the all-important WTF, which makes it stand above the other tat that is usually associated with the old legend.”
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by | April 18, 2014 · 11:00 am

Easter Getaway latest: First case of cannibalism in M5 tailback

brighton-beach_2016074i

After 8 hours of traffic chaos people can finally relax on the beach

As the Easter Getaway causes traffic chaos across the UK  this season’s first case of in-car cannibalism has been reported in a tailback on the M5. Continue reading →

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by | April 1, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Rail Company says new night time suicide train will prevent daytime delays

The 01:45 to Oblivion

The 01:45 to Oblivion

Plagued by disruptive delays caused by frequent suicides, Network Rail has announced plans to run an after-hours railway service dedicated to the needs of those who wish to take their own lives by jumping under a train.

Already dubbed by railway workers as the Ghost Train, the new skeleton service will run at night once timetabled services have finished for the day. Operating companies are hoping that would-be suicides will take advantage of this initiative saving commuters of many hours of inconvenience whilst the emergency services attend to the consequence of a member of public choosing to terminate themselves at a busy railway station. Continue reading →

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by | March 17, 2014 · 2:37 pm

Safety experts warn: ‘never re-use a helicopter’

helicopter1

‘Like hand grenades, helicopters should only be used once’.

Aviation safety experts have warned passengers and pilots alike of the dangers of using a helicopter more than once.

But Nicola Bentley of the ‘Land Once’ campaign insisted that choppers are perfectly safe, as long as they’re destroyed immediately after their maiden flight.

“Given their enormous expense and technical complexity, some  people might be tempted to get back in a used helicopter and make a return journey”, explained Bentley. “But our advice is ‘don’t’. Helicopters are a lot like matches, condoms or carrier bags in that respect: only a moron would attempt to re-use them.”

Bentley is calling for clearer labeling on helicopters, as well as the removal of temptations such as fuel filler flaps. “Don’t get back in it, for God’s sake don’t refuel it, and don’t ever attempt to switch the big fan back on”, warned Bentley.
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by | March 14, 2014 · 11:00 am

Welsh roadsign translator ‘just changed the font’

welcomesign

Suspicions were raised when roadside spitoons were found to be empty.

A translation firm specialising in Welsh roadsigns is under fire from auditors, following claims that they were just changing the font.

Bilingual signs ranging from ‘Give Over’, ‘Think bikier’ and ‘You’re Welcome to Wrexham’ had been commissioned through ‘Inphlegmation Services’, and hung all over the hilly area to the left of the country.
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by | March 11, 2014 · 7:00 am

Commuters embrace ‘High Speed Footpath 2’

HSFP2

High Speed Foot Path ‘inconvenient’ claim local residents

Villagers are set to shave over 10 minutes off the journey time to Dunstable, thanks to investment in a new High Speed Footpath.

The footpath, which has taken nearly 25 years to build, has gaps in the security fences for pedestrians to join or leave at each end.

“You can stop in the middle if you want to, but you can’t actually get off”, explained Cllr Ron Ronsson. “That means HSFP2 frees up capacity on other more crowded footpaths. Those in the high street, for instance. particularly the bit outside Poundland. Why would you waste your time ambling around there, when you could be wooshing back and forth between Harold and Dunstable?”
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