Category Archives: Society

by | March 14, 2015 · 8:00 am

Drone pilot wins Victoria Cross

for valour

Although untraumatised, pilot will need years of occupational therapy.

A drone pilot, battling away in a reasonably comfortable lounge, has become the first remote combatant to achieve the Victoria Cross.

Despite a searing repetitive strain injury and being down to his last 2 bags of pretzels, John Stilgo continued to pour missiles into a deadly Afghanistan orphanage.

“I wasn’t concerned at all for my own safety”, revealed Stilgo. “Instinct took over. I just knew I had to push through if I wanted to beat the squadron’s highest score.”
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by | March 12, 2015 · 7:00 am

Ocado van spotted on council estate

shit terraces

Driver left traumatised after delivering to neighbour.

There were gasps amongst Harold’s more successful residents yesterday, after an Ocado van was photographed in an area prone to social housing.

The van, later identified as ‘Alan in his Raspberry’, is thought to have contained kumquats in a built-up area.

“I expect more from a company so closely associated with Waitrose”, said cllr Ron Ronsson. “If they’re delivering in these sorts of places, who knows what their vans could pass on?”

Ocado’s head of social engineering, Hermione Cavolo-Nero, apologised for the grave error and promised to have the driver shot.
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by | February 10, 2015 · 2:00 pm

Poverty to be limited to the poor, pledges Osborne.

Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.

Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.

George Osborne has pledged to eradicate all money problems for poor people after the next election by doing away with all money for poor people. Continue reading →

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by | December 30, 2014 · 7:00 am

The 50 Most Irritating People of 2014: Part III

23. No Diana effect for Bonio after that accident.

23. No Diana effect for Bonio after that accident.

We’re now into the top 30 of our countdown of the top irritants of the last year.

Just to emphasise, this is a list of irritating people. If there was any way we could bend the rules to include meerkats they would be sure to make the Top 10. Perhaps we should think about a Top 50 most irritating animals next year?

Today we have shock news as some of your favourites fail to make the Top 20, including the bloke on the left:

 

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by | December 29, 2014 · 7:00 am

The 50 most irritating people of 2014: Part II

Robbie Savage. The only table he's ever moved up.

Robbie Savage. The only table he’s ever moved up.

We continue our countdown of the Festive Top 50 with numbers 40 to 31.

Has your (least) favourite featured yet?

There is still time to vote, and votes for Mrs Brown’s Boys will count double if we invoke the Lee Evans rule from 2013. Continue reading →

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by | December 28, 2014 · 7:30 am

The 50 most irritating people of 2014: Part I

Down to 41 from 20. Only half as irritating as last year.

Down to 41 from 20. Only half as irritating as last year.

It’s the final knockings of 2014 and once again, it’s time to reveal the most irritating people of the past year.  The usual rules apply; we have excluded politicians, but can’t guarantee that a certain Mr Farage won’t make the list as we’re still not sure if he qualifies as a politician. Time will tell.

Today we start our countdown with numbers 50 to 41: Continue reading →

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by | November 16, 2014 · 8:00 am

Long service medal marks postman’s disappointing, wasted life

postie

Come hell or high water, Evans will continue to darken people’s doors.

A postman in Harold has served the community for forty long years, and revealed how much he hated every last one.

Nigel Evans has worked for the post office since he left school at 16, and has been overlooked for promotion annually for the past four decades.

Batchelor Evans, now 56, is a familiar face in the village. Most residents occasionally notice him shuffling round the streets, or spend hours trying to console him as he sits sobbing on their doorsteps.
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by | November 10, 2014 · 11:00 am

First e-cig ‘vaping’ advert to be shown on TV to star Monty the Penguin

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The UK’s first e-cigarette TV advert to show vaping will air tonight staring this year’s star of the John Lewis Christmas campaign, Monty the Penguin.

To be shown after the watershed, the advert will show a stressed out penguin vaping for the first time on TV.

“Over 10 million YouTube hits has taken its toll,” Monty said, “and I found it hard to cope with the new found fame.

“Add living in an unnatural environment for a penguin and a forced marriage into the mix and it’s amazing I’m only on e-cigs and haven’t p-p-p-p-picked up a vodka.”

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by | October 26, 2014 · 8:00 am

Britain First boycott reading.

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Britain First leaders organising their now famous ‘library invasions’

Far­-right Facebook picture sharers Britain First have called on their supporters to boycott reading after some words were written about them that were critical and questioned their practices.

The group, which is a splinter group of the BNP set up by disgruntled party members, made the call to action following their boycott of The Sun for criticising their use of Lynda Bellingham’s death to garner support and on the Daily Mail for being too socialist and left wing.

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by | October 25, 2014 · 11:00 am

Developers look to nature to solve London’s housing crisis with the ‘Escar-Go’

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With London house prices getting beyond the reach of ordinary people, and affordable properties getting smaller and smaller, one developer has started putting a new range of properties on the market.

Modelled on a snail’s shell, the developer says their new ‘All-In-One Portable Studio Apartment’, named the Escar-Go, has everything a young aspiring professional could need and the homes fit in well with the environment, providing you spend the night in other people’s gardens.

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by | September 12, 2014 · 12:36 pm

Oscar Pistorius makes ‘huge strides’ in bringing equality to monstrous crimes

pistorius

Even realistic woman-shaped crutches failed to sway the jury.

Oscar Pistorius has been hailed by the Equalities Commission for smashing the last taboo for disabled people.

After sort-of-standing trial for a crime typically associated with the able bodied, Pistorius has shown the world that the disadvantaged are just as capable of evil as the next man.

“This is a huge step forward in recognising that having a disability doesn’t exclude anyone for acting like a prick”, said commissioner Margaret Long. “You don’t have to have a full complement of limbs to shoot down a loved one in cold blood, and being differently abled no longer means cynically playing the victim card will definitely get you off. It may reduce the charge, but it won’t get you off.”

Before Pistorius stepped up to the mark and pretended to shoot a burglar, homicide had been considered by many to be the preserve of ‘normal’ people. “But the physically disabled can be mentals too, you don’t need toes to fire a gun”, revealed Long.
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by | August 26, 2014 · 7:00 am

Any more Ice Bucket Challenges may lead to first winter hosepipe ban.

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As the Ice Bucket Challenge spreads around the internet quicker than racism spreads through Jeremy Clarkson’s blood stream, Thames Water are warning customers that if people continue to throw any more of the perfectly good, fresh, yet finite resource over their heads, the UK may see its first ever winter time hosepipe ban.

“We appreciate it is for a good cause,” a spokesperson for the utility company explained, “and not many people know more about raising millions of pounds just to waste water than us.

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by | August 18, 2014 · 11:00 am

Facebook to start marking Daily Mail stories as ‘not satire, honest’.

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Facebook has announced it is to start marking articles shared from the Daily Mail a ‘not satire, honest’ tag after a number of users complained they often thought the stories and views of the paper were some sort of joke.

“I thought their hatred of people that don’t look like them was some kind of running joke,” one user commented after sharing a comment piece on immigration. “I didn’t think highly trained news people could actually think like that.”
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Architect redesigns humans to complement new office

office

Another office ruined by an unaesthetic member of staff.

An architect behind an expansive, minimalist office has revealed plans to make the people inside complement the aesthetic.

Xorex Global Inc. commissioned Harold architect Joseph Blythe to design their new head offices, only to discover their staff made the place ‘look a bit shit’.

“It’s rather churlish of them really”, said Blythe . “I’ve studied ‘Nihon kenchiku’ for 15 years and have a wonderful grasp of space and light. But I shouldn’t be expected to accomodate the sort of lumpen worker who buys suits from Tesco, and thinks comedy socks somehow ‘brighten the place up’.”

Blythe revealed the new human will be allowed to vary slightly in size. “Each managerial level will be occupied by adults 2.3% larger than the one below, to subtly reflect their status”, he explained.

“But throughout the concept, each will maintain a pleasing BMI of 18.7, which best reflects the trapezoidal pillars in the central atrium.”
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by | August 1, 2014 · 11:00 am
by | July 20, 2014 · 8:00 am

Scientists discover what makes suited men always put one hand in their pockets

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After an eight year study costing £3m, scientists in Harold say they have discovered the fundamental physics behind the forces that attract a suited man’s hands straight into his pocket.

Looking into the phenomenon, lead researcher Henry Slater said: “The forces that act on men’s hands seem to be totally indiscriminate affecting everyone from Prince Charles at the state opening of parliament in Westminster through to Barry from the pub opening a bottle of Carlsberg at his best mate’s wedding.

“Put a jacket on him and his hand will go through the arm, out of the sleeve, straight into a trouser pocket.

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by | July 18, 2014 · 3:00 pm

Seagulls up in wings over soaring chimney prices

Conference location a bit too grand for the likes of some.

Conference location a bit too grand for the likes of some.

Rising chimney prices was top of the agenda at the Seagull Union’s Annual Conference in Scarborough this week.

Delegates complained about the cramped conditions many of their members endure, living in over-crowded squalor in crannies in the cliffs.

“I blame the government for failing to stimulate the chimney-building sector,” said one delegate, while other more radical gulls blamed the EU for restrictive anti-greenhouse gas policies.

Conference concluded that, whatever the root cause, the lack of affordable housing was due to a shortage of new chimneys, and passed a motion in favour of re-nationalising the coal industry.

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by | July 9, 2014 · 7:00 am

Alex Salmond plans ‘Tartan Curtain’ to keep out the English

tartan curtain

Plan has been condemned by the Sporran Office.

Alex Salmond has revealed plans to use miles of unwanted ‘Commonwealth Games Tartan’ to build a defensive curtain around Scotland’s nether regions.

“When we gain independence, naturally we’ll want to strictly limit the number of our neighbours we let in”, roared Salmond. “And what better way to do that, than a wall of plaid from coast to coast?”

Salmond quickly dismissed suggestions that invaders might simply crawl underneath. “No Englishman would dare lift a tartan hem, for fear of what lies beneath”, he insisted.
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by | June 27, 2014 · 7:00 am

Woman blames government for not noticing her neighbour died years ago

milkbottles

Neighbour also left a lot of clutter laying about.

A woman in Harold has slammed the government for creating the sort of uncaring society where a neighbour could lay dead for several years without being noticed.

Doris Kettle was clearly irritated by the disruption caused by fumigators and a team of police forensic scientists.

“It’s been nothing but trouble living here. Shortly after we arrived there was a weird bumping and clattering sound; then our Fred said he kept hearing a moaning, ghostly voice saying “I’ve had a fall and broken my leg, whoooohooo please call an ambulance …whooohooo.
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