After an eight year study costing £3m, scientists in Harold say they have discovered the fundamental physics behind the forces that attract a suited man’s hands straight into his pocket.
Looking into the phenomenon, lead researcher Henry Slater said: “The forces that act on men’s hands seem to be totally indiscriminate affecting everyone from Prince Charles at the state opening of parliament in Westminster through to Barry from the pub opening a bottle of Carlsberg at his best mate’s wedding.
“Put a jacket on him and his hand will go through the arm, out of the sleeve, straight into a trouser pocket.
“On very rare occasions there is a valid reason for the hand’s journey into the trousers’ storage caves, such as checking you still have your keys on you or as part of the airport-security-style frisking you perform on yourself during the split second panic when you can’t feel your phone.
“But for the vast majority of the time, we believe it is because deep down, right at the bottom of men’s subconscious mind, they all think they are a Savile Row models.”
As well as being an individual problem, the forces behind the so called “catalogue man complex” are heightened when groups of suited males gather in packs at social occasions. Often dozens of men stood in a group can be seen employing the one-hand-in-pocket-while-other-hand-waves-a-drink approach to pretending to laugh at the Alpha Male’s casually racist jokes.
Unfortunately those leading the research have yet to find a medical cure and think surgically removing a hand from a pocket may be a bit drastic, but say a temporary fix can be found be telling the male to “stop playing with your balls”.
