George spots something remarkable, impressing even the staunchest of republicans.
Supreme heir to the throne Baby George Alexander Louis Windsor has visited his submarine fleet and made several improvements.
Admirals were impressed with his bawdy jokes and knowledge of naval strategy. George then gazed at a shiny object while attendees took notes, ate a rusk and scowled intelligently as he imperiously shat himself.
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The baboon is on the left.
“I first had an inkling when I saw that photograph of the wind lifting Kate’s dress above her waist,” said Professor Luke Thorne. “Immediately the thought ‘baboon’ flashed across my mind and I decided to investigate.” Continue reading
Let them eat fruitcake
There were murmurs in the Lords almost immediately as the Queen uttered the words “My Government will get out of Europe by teatime.” These turned to mutterings and looks of surprise as she announced the immediate closure of the Channel Ports and the Tunnel.
By the time she had announced that Scottish Independence would be encouraged by offering Ulster as a going away present to the “ungrateful bastards”, it was clear that something was amiss. Continue reading
An excited Charles polishes his Crown
“It’s coming, it’s coming, I’m going to be King soon” spurted Charles as he retired to his room to watch some Coronation porn and polish his Crown. When Charles emerged 15 minutes later he declared he was ‘hereditary and ready’.
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Vladimir Putin: moobs out and ready to wrestle, always ready.
As the controversy surrounding Prince Charles comparing Vladimir Putin to Hitler grows, the Russian President is demanding the right get physical.
“I will kick that tampon-fixated mummy’s boy into next week,” a shirtless Putin bellowed as he beat his chest. “Come to Moscow, Prince Too Thick To Know He’s Thick, and I’ll show you how a democratically elected national figurehead throws down. When I’m done it’ll take more than a coffee enema to fix you, it will take a miracle.” Continue reading
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The sun: wonderful yet ultimately deadly, just like cake
Today is the hottest day of the year so far. Thus we proudly present the following top facts about the big yellow bastard to entertain you as you swelter. And remember when the mercury rises to always wear sunscreen, to drink lots of water and that while dogs don’t like being kept in hot cars elderly relatives absolutely love it.
Sun-packed Fun Facts
1. The sun was discovered in 1836 by pioneering scientist Sir Hubert Sun. Before then everything was dark.
2. 40% of Americans believe that the sun is the warmth from God’s smile.
3. At night, it turns into the moon. Many primitive tribes still believe they are two different things.
4. FIFA chief Sepp Blatter has admitted that holding the 2022 World Cup there may be a mistake, due to the sun’s poor transport links.
5. Prolonged exposure to the sun alters your brain chemistry causing you to believe you look great in shorts when in reality the opposite is true.
6. The sun isn’t perfectly spherical. There’s a bit that sticks out, shaped like that mole on your back.
7. Potatoes are baby suns that haven’t yet hatched.
8. The sun does not have a hat on. That would be racist.
9. Staring at the sun isn’t bad for your eyes. It just highlights the absolute futility of your meaningless, pathetically short existence.
10. Strictly speaking, the sun is not a planet at all – it is a sun.
11. When the sun is very sad at what you are doing, he cries. This is called “rain”. The worse you are, the more rain you will get.
12. Everything in the solar system revolves around the sun, except Piers Morgan’s ego.
13. The sun is the only star with its own dedicated newspaper, which contains important news about the solar system, and tits.
14. The sun used to go to Australia at night but Tony Abbott won’t let it in.
15. The sun is so hot that if you tried to eat an ice cream on it the ice cream would melt before you even had chance to drop it down your shirt. This would be the least of your worries though, because you would have died a fiery death.
Modern Britain.
Elizabeth, Queen of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Head of the Commonwealth, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel, and Empress of the Lone Islands is today celebrating her 88th birthday. In honour of the occasion we present the top fifteen facts about her extraordinary life and reign. Continue reading
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The Duchess of Cambridge has spent the first day of her official trip to Australia continuing to quash the rumours that she may be pregnant.
The rumours started when she was handed a baby shawl from a well wisher and when thanking them said “you may need to make another one soon, we are at it like inbreds”.
After a brief wine tasting session failed to dispel talk of pregnancy, she decided to use being in Australia as an opportunity to get absolutely rat-arsed and completely let herself go, just to prove a point. Continue reading
Painstaking research by Harold don, Professor Bethany Russell, has revealed that Henry VIII, famous for having six wives, was also a first class bricklayer who played an active part in the building of many of the great palaces attributed to him.
According to recently discovered papers, there was nothing he liked better after a hard day conducting the affairs of state, than to spend a couple of hours working on the intricate brick tracery of Hampton Court Palace with a trowel in his hand.
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Do that again and one will nut you, do you understand?
What started out as pomp and ceremony and a little light pecking ended in a near-brawl in Buckingham Palace last night after Irish President Michael D Higgins ‘had a bit too much to drink’ and started coming on to the Queen.
Rumours had previously suggested he ‘might try to get in there’ when Scotland moves out, but it seems he could wait no longer to declare himself to Her Majesty.
“Things started getting a little raucous during after-dinner drinks,” said Harold teenager Melanie Delaney (19) who works part-time as a Palace waitress.
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Mother of George, and Dragon.
All eyes will be on the Duchess of Cambridge this afternoon, as she takes up her rightful role of ‘Mother of Dragons’ during the royal tour of New Zealand.
Wearing a red Catherine Walker coat initially to hide her royal nuddiness, the sylph-like Kate will disrobe away from the cameras. She will then slip into something a little less comfortable, namely an 80-foot high funeral pyre.
“Tradition dictates that the Lady Regnant of the Wider Gene Pool shall smoke an unsavoury hag during the birthing ceremony”, revealed a nerd inexplicably dressed as a dwarf. “She’s chosen Celia Wade-Brown, the mayor of Wellington, after the comments she made on Twitter.”
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This kid was rejected for being too damn cool
As the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge begin their tour of New Zealand and Australia the hunt for the most photogenic disabled or seriously ill children in both countries has intensified. It is a requirement of the tour that Kate is photographed hugging at least three sick or mobility impaired children a day and finding ones that fit the criteria laid down by Buckingham Palace is proving to be a tough job. Continue reading
Tense times: diplomats fear that Prince Philip will not heed their warnings and insist on telling his Belgrano joke.
It should have been a pleasant occasion, two amiable old pensioners, who both believe in God, massive wealth, splendid ceremonial outfits and the undemocratic retention of power, sharing a pot of Earl Grey and a bit of gossip. Unfortunately it has been announced that Prince Philip will be accompanying the Queen to her meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican this afternoon.
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Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith. Or we could call her Granny Bling Hat.
In a controversial new report Harold academic Professor Julia Hogsburn is calling for the word royal to be banned from public life. In it she details how much money is spent each year by forelock tugging Brits insisting on writing royal in front of things. Continue reading
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If you don’t know what occasion this picture is a record of then count yourself very lucky.
Prince Edward is fifty today! In celebration we are proud to list his achievements and the reasons he’s a national treasure. Continue reading
The person behind the one pound coin, the so-called ‘Britcoin’, is alleged to be a reclusive 87 year old Windsor woman known as ‘the Queen’.
Britcoins are a widely used used offline currency that varies widely in value. While they can be used for legitimate purposes, they are commonly used to anonymously pay for drugs, prostitutes, and Starbucks coffees.
The identity of the woman pictured on the Britcoin has long been a mystery, but reporters from the Daily Mail are convinced that the mysterious ‘Elizabeth 11’ is actually a wealthy landowner who now calls herself ‘the Queen’. The reporters say the Queen has stockpiled over a billion Britcoins, but still relies on others to pay her bills.
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Kensington Palace has announced that as part of his ongoing ‘King’ training, Prince George will join the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on a first-class, all expenses paid trip to New Zealand and Australia.
“It’s not like he had anything else to to,” a palace spokesman told us.
“At the moment he just kind of sits there in a bouncy throne, with people feeding him and wiping his arse, and generally doing not a lot. So all in all his king training is going much better than we could have expected.”
Some are seeing this as yet another example of the Royal Family modernising with the parents of a royal child actually choosing to have him around.
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A grateful peasant salivates over his new home
The Princess Royal has weighed into the planning row by calling for new village homes to be made from gingerbread so struggling villagers can always have something to eat.
Her Royal Highness said she was concerned that the migration of village populations to towns and cities would destroy traditional feudal values leaving servantless. “It’s vital that we plan for the future,” she insisted at a planning symposium organised by her big brother Charles. “At current rates, it is entirely possible that there won’t be enough peasants to skivvy in one’s country estate within five years.” Continue reading
Prince William’s quip about calling Dame Helen Mirren ‘granny’ when presenting her with a BAFTA Fellowship was so well received that William and Dame Helen will repeat the joke in a 30 venue UK tour.
A chuffed Prince William confided that he was very nervous before his intentional comedy debut but all the practise paid off when he got the jokes words in the right order and he remembered to smile at the end.
“I got the idea from watching Helen star as the Queen in “The Queen”. I thought, hey, my gran is actually the Queen and Helen plays the part of the Queen so she in effect is playing the part of my gran. So yeah, from there I thought I’d just flip them round and pretend that Helen was my gran when she is really just my aunt or something” said William.
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Prince Charles passed the Duchy on the left-hand side.
Radio 1 experienced a surprise boost to its audience figures yesterday during a live audition by Prince Charles and Camilla.
Listeners in the key 15 to 29 year-old demographic turned on in their droves to listen to someone marginally less celebrity-obsessed than Grimshaw.
Initially the broadcast was delayed for a few minutes, but eventually a technician found a set of headphones that could be forced over the Prince’s ears.
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