“Oh bollocks. What do I say now?”
Category Archives: Politics
Ministers hold flood meeting with insurers
Flood summit meetings were held today in Somerset between Government ministers and representatives of the insurance and financial industries. It had been feared that holding the talks in a county which was completely underwater would cause problems but this was not the case according to Flooding Minister Dan Rogerson:
“We floated a raft of proposals across the table and told them to ‘Bubble, gluggle, wubble’. They responded with a rather damp ‘Wurgle, gurgle, blurgle’, but we put our flippers down firmly and insisted, ‘Globble, wuggle, floggle.’”
“This is the sort of straight talking these people understand. I’m confident we got our message across.” Continue reading
Atos to lose contract: fit-for-work assessments to be carried out by squirrels from next year
A squirrel: infinitely more well-qualified than Iain Duncan Smith
A leaked document from the Department of Work and Pensions has shown that the government is preparing to ditch controversial French owned company Atos Healthcare. Now, The Evening Harold can exclusively reveal that from 2015 onwards the administration of fit-for-work tests for those in receipt of Employment and Support Allowance will be carried out by squirrels. Continue reading
‘Call Clegg’ to go late night, possibly on Babestation
Nick Clegg’s radio phone-in programme ‘Call Clegg’ on LBC is to go ‘late night’ before the general election the Lib Dem leader announced. Babestation are favourite to host the show.
“I’ve not watched Babestation but it can’t be that different,” Clegg explained. “From my understanding I just need to speak to callers on a phone whilst on a webcam.
“I’ve been warned that occasionally I may be asked to make things go tits up but if I’m honest, that a speciality of mine.”
High hopes for Olympic gold in road gritting
Britain could boost its Olympic medal tally today, after breaking the track record in the Pointless Road Gritting Relay qualifiers.
With the UK team deploying grit to tackle everything from high winds, fallen trees and silted-up rivers that used to be motorways, few countries look like they have enough in the tank to really threaten for gold.
“When the chips are down and the elements throw everything they have at us, only the British show this level of resolve”, said head coach Nigel Withers. “No matter what the temperature or road conditions we only know one thing and that thing is this: driving slowly in a lorry with all the yellow lights on and spraying everything with small rocks until we’ve won.”
Filed under Politics, Uncategorized, Weather
Scots can’t leave UK and keep Buckfast Tonic Wine says Chancellor
Hands off, Scotland. This is England’s precious.
Though only six days have passed since David Cameron attempted to love bomb Scotland into voting against independence in the forthcoming referendum saying he couldn’t bear to see the “the most extraordinary country in history” torn apart, the government has now ditched the nice approach and gone for the jugular saying that Buckfast Tonic Wine would not be exported to an independent Scotland. Continue reading
Is the Prime Minister a lizard? Many find proof of his true nature in flood visit footage
David Cameron off-duty: chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool.
Seekers of the truth are today convinced that they are on to something with David Cameron’s behaviour as he visits areas hit by flooding being taken by many as proof that he is in fact a giant lizard.
“He just looks too comfortable in that environment,” said Harold resident Adam Cassidy. “I’ve been watching all the footage of him striding about in his Wellington boots and black fleece then discussing it with my friends on wakeupsheeple.com. Look how Cameron doesn’t listen to anyone and can’t convey convincing emotion when people are showing him their devastated homes. I bet he was itching to cast off his disguise and swim freely with the flood water playing over his scales.” Continue reading
Kim Jong-un accused of visiting UK flood victims just for a photo opportunity
Following In the footsteps of Labour leader Ed Miliband, North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has been accused of trying to capitalise on people’s misery and enhance his image in the West by visiting flood affected areas in the UK for a photo opportunity.
“In this situation he has about as much power and influence as Miliband,” one angry resident of Purley said.
Continue reading
Filed under environment, News, Politics
Iain Duncan Smith gives ‘I’ll personally Taser the bedridden’ promise
At this range a good quality taser will get them up on their feet and dancing
Workers who are sick and off work for more than four weeks will soon get government sanctioned advice, to help them get back to the workplace. The Health and Work Service’s default advice will be ‘get back to work you idle sod or you’ll regret it’, although the new government-funded agency will also offer non-compulsory amateur medical assessments and d.i.y. treatment plans.
Duncan Smith believes a much-needed economic stimulus would be provided if the bedridden could be genitally-tasered and has personally volunteered to pull as many triggers as possible. Continue reading
Foreign-born cleaner resigns after discovering employer is a Tory
In hindsight, the daily cleaning of graffiti on the house should have been a clue
In the light of immigration minister Mark Harper resigning his position after it emerged he employed a cleaner who did not have permission to work in the UK, a separate incident has seen a foreign-born cleaner leaving their post after it emerged their employer was a Tory.
The cleaner has apologised for not carrying out reasonable checks on the person whose house they clean and said that although they had been a British citizen for the last 13 years, being from another country means they should have checked their employer was not, in fact, a Tory.
EXCLUSIVE: Guardian leaks Michael Gove’s new job title
Can you spot Gove’s new role?
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Filed under Politics
Putin shows inclusiveness by engaging in gay sex at Opening Ceremony – backfires when his ring fails to open
The rehearsal went fine
Child health experts urge ban on filling cars with deadly cobras
Health risk or nanny state?
Following the proposed ban on smoking in cars, more than 700 doctors and health experts have put their names to a letter urging MPs for a ban on parents filling their cars with deadly cobras when children are present.
The issue is due to be voted on in Parliament on Monday, and the doctors say the move is desperately needed “to protect children from harm, specifically from being bitten by deadly cobras.”
Filling cars with live poisonous snakes when children are in the rear seats is so much a part of British life that few people have ever questioned it, but a growing awareness of snake poisoning and decline in cobra ownership have seen the anti-snakes in cars movement growing. Continue reading
‘Nazi-MP’ steps down: ‘Tories too right wing for me’
The Conservative MP at the heart of a Nazi-party controversy has announced he will step down from his position saying even he thought “the party was drifting further right than the Third Reich”.
“I may have bought Nazi costumes but I didn’t realise there was a serious risk they would become standard uniform,” Aidan Burley said.
Tragedy narrowly averted as huge sinkhole opens up under Michael Gove
Narrow escape for all of us
Locals were celebrating a ‘lucky escape’ this morning as a sinkhole measuring 50 meters deep opened up without warning in High Wycombe, completely swallowing up Michael Gove.
Locals woke up in the village of Walter’s Ash to find the enormous hole had appeared over night. It was not realised that Gove had been visiting the village until one householder noticed his ego just visible over the edge of the huge pit.
“It’s a miracle no damage was done,” said a Buckinghamshire Fire Services spokesman. “I’ve got kids at a local state school, and I can’t stress enough what a lucky escape they’ve had.” Continue reading
IDS: “will squeeze benefits spongers”
‘Disabled claimants could work from home’ : IDS
Under COBRA emergency powers, Ian Duncan Smith will soon deploy benefit claimants in the battle against rising flood levels. “The Prime Minister asked me to try to sink the unsinkable” the charismatic Work & Pensions Secretary announced today “and my next logical move is to use claimants’ innate spongy-ness for the public’s good”.
Starting next week, long-term benefit claimants will lie down in flooded areas, sop up moisture until they are fully saturated, then go home to dry off overnight. “Research has shown that poor people don’t move very much anyway,” says IDS “nearly 40% of them are inactive, exercising less than 30 minutes a week. This way, they’ll simply exchange a stained sofa for a soggy field contaminated with sewage. In practice they’ll find very little difference”. Continue reading
Remember the good times: Desperate England sends Scotland a playlist of their greatest hits together
We have so much in common. Everyone in England also thinks John Brown and Queen Victoria totally did the filth.
Drunk and emotional, a sobbing England last night made Scotland a specially selected playlist of their greatest hits together in a desperate bid to rekindle the passion and ensure that Scotland won’t break England’s heart in September’s independence referendum.
“We’ve been together since 1707,” England slurred. “S’long time and we’ve made it work, haven’t we? We’ve had good times. Brilliant times! There was the Empire, we did that together, you and me taking over the world. And what about haggis? Invented in Lancashire and then you took it to another level: that’s teamwork.” Continue reading
Miliband reduces unions’ power to stop them voting for him again
Ed Miliband, leader of the Labour Party has vowed to reform the way the party choses its leader to prevent the mistakes that stopped his brother taking charge.
It was because of the unions’ powerful votes that Miliband took the helm of the party despite the majority of party members preferring his brother David, a shock result that Ed himself described as ‘a travesty’.
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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
Nick Clegg calls for Amanda Knox to apologise
Clegg warned Knox that she could face the naughty step.
Amanda Knox was convicted by Italian courts of murdering Meredith Kercher for a second time, but is expected to appeal. Nick Clegg thinks that while Knox’s innocence or guilt is still in the balance, it would be better for everyone if she said sorry and avoided holidaying in Rome.
“The trouble with the law is that one person says one thing and then another says something else”, explained Clegg. “And before long, it gets really confusing and someone has to explain it to me.”
“But as I say to my kids when I hear them arguing upstairs: just say sorry, and then we can all forget about it.”
Amanda Knox had her initial conviction for murder overturned in 2011, but this overturn was overturned in March 2013. “See what I mean? You can waste hours trying to reach some form of justice. Come on luv, just look sad and move on.”
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Damascus Idol: UK to choose Syrian refugees via new Simon Cowell show
A man who’s had so much surgery and botox he’s turning into his own haunted waxwork dummy.
Theresa May announced yesterday that Britain is to take up to five hundred Syrian refugees but insisted that the government will retain the right to choose who it lets in. The Home Secretary acknowledged that whittling down the estimated 2.5 million refugees to just the five hundred deemed worthy of exposure to Chicken Cottage, Richard Littlejohn and The One Show will be tough and confirmed that the actual selection process will be undertaken by Simon Cowell and broadcast every Saturday and Sunday in ITV for the next six months. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, News, Politics
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