Category Archives: Politics

by | May 19, 2014 · 11:00 am

New warning for Scotland: become independent and you’ll be responsible for Tony Blair

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You want to know where he got those scars? Sorry, wrong man. For some reason we were thinking about The Joker

With just four months until the referendum Scotland has been warned of a new consequence of independence: Tony Blair.

“The Yes campaigners are constantly bigging up famous and influential Scots,” said Better Together spokesperson Lydia Tanner. “Well, if Scotland becomes independent it will be responsible for arguably the most influential Scot of them all and must embrace Tony Blair as one of its own.” Continue reading →

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by | May 17, 2014 · 9:20 am

Play ‘You Know the Difference’ with Nigel Farage!

Nigel can see what’s happening on the streets of Britain, but do YOU have the same amazing vision?

Why not try Nigel’s “You Know the Difference” challenge, and see if you can spot the hidden difference between the nice German man and the Romanian! Nigel knows why he thinks they’re different, but he can’t say – not on the radio, anyway!

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Do YOU know the difference???

 

You know you wouldn’t want one of them living next door to you, but can you spot the crucial reason why they’re so different?

Study these two men carefully, making sure to keep your mind nicely closed. Check your answer below!

If you can spot the difference – CONGRATULATIONS! You’re a UKIP candidate!

Next week: Join us again to play Spot the Difference between Nigel’s BRAIN and an ONION!

Answer: Of course there’s no fucking difference, you racist twat!

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by | May 16, 2014 · 11:00 am

Badgers ask to be removed from Google to escape government persecution

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Going off the grid. You ain’t seen it, right?

England’s badgers have applied to have their details wiped from Google to escape government death squads.

“We’re exercising our right to be forgotten,” said Manky Kevin of the Harold Wood badger colony. “The Coalition are determined to wipe us out but we’re hoping if we can’t be found online they’ll lose interest and go after hedgehogs instead.” Continue reading →

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by | May 13, 2014 · 3:18 pm

Far-right group calls for points of compass to be renamed to ‘confuse Muslamics’

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Look at them, threatening UK society with their friendship and truly amazing eyebrows, will no one think of the children?

An offshoot of the BNP called Prime Britain is campaigning to have the points of the compass renamed in the belief that this will mean devout Muslims won’t know where Mecca is when they come to pray.

“We’re taking a stand for all decent British people whose way of life is under threat,” said Prime Britain leader Kev Gadsby. “This is a Christian country and Muslamics have no right to be facing another country or town or whatever like it’s better or something.” Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

Home heart bypass operations ‘safe’ claims owner of Scalpels-2-U

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Black represents the bad bit.

As more and more NHS services are moved from hospitals to the family home, an entrepreneur in Harold is offering door-to-door open heart surgery paraphernalia.

Brian Clutter insists that, just like giving birth, patients prefer a triple bypass in the comfort of their own lounge. And with a hygienic bucket to put any spare wobbly bits in, he promises those that survive will be pleased with the service.

“Basic washing-up liquid and a capful of bleach will clean up even the toughest of residue from a clumsily nicked artery”, claimed Clutter. “And rubbed-in dirt, perhaps from dropping a stray kidney and standing on it, can be shifted by turning the rug over.”
Continue reading →

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by | May 12, 2014 · 7:58 pm

Tories take opinion poll lead: is cocaine in water supply erasing our memories?

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What over the last four years has proved that these men and their chums shouldn’t be running the country? We can’t quite recall.

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by | · 11:00 am

BBC Scheduler sacked for mentioning ‘n-word’ (N*** Edmonds)

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SHOCKING: Society no longer considers some words acceptable.

Scheduler Tony Jacobs, responsible for the BBC’s light entertainment output, has been sacked for accidentally mentioning the ‘n-word’, N*** Edmonds.

The n-word is considered the most offensive phrase to TV audiences, particularly those old enough to remember Mr Blobby.

“Our Saturday night schedule might be rather second rate at the moment, but that’s no excuse to start bandying about the n-word”, said acting chairman Diane Coyle.

“It’s degrading to our culture, it’s degrading to anyone who still buys a television licence. But most of all, it’s degrading to those who had to work with the c***.”
Continue reading →

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by | May 9, 2014 · 2:30 pm

UKIP landslide expected after Farage pledges to withdraw UK from Eurovision Song contest

Farage expresses his opinion.

Farage expresses his opinion.

In yet another popularist move, UKIP Party leader, Nigel Farage has promised to withdrawn Britian from the Eurovision Song Contest if he is elected to power.

“It’s an embarrassing spectacle,” he said, “and Britain should not be shaming itself by camping it up with the very worse of Europe. Especially when we have no chance of winning.”

Continue reading →

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by | · 12:00 pm

Berlusconi begins community service in teenage brothel

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After me…

Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi arrived at a specialist brothel near Milan on Friday to start a year of community service.

He was sentenced to four years in prison for tax fraud last year, but after consideration was given to his age and special requirements, this was commuted to forty hours work a week with barely legal teenage prostitutes.

The brothel says the 77-year-old will be treated “like any other raving pervert”. Continue reading →

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by | May 8, 2014 · 11:00 am

European Elections latest: opposition to Ukip prepared to do anything but vote

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“Yeah, I know people died for my right to vote but I’m comfy.”

Things are looking good for Nigel Farage as Ukip are set to triumph in the European elections on May 22nd. Despite his party attracting significant opposition in the press and across social media it seems that no one who dislikes what Ukip stand for can actually be arsed to vote. Continue reading →

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by | May 3, 2014 · 1:30 pm

Why do Harold Mums know best – because I said so, that’s why.

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Dietary advice not well received by parents

The National Association of Head Teachers (NAHT) is  issuing advice to parents about how to keep their children happy, news which has angered some in the local community. “Tell your children you love them, keep them clean, and let them help with exotic cooking” are some of the patronising tips which will appear in a leaflet to be sent home with parents.

Continue reading →

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by | · 8:28 am

Popular figure hangs in there and beats the odds

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Not you, Dave. Not you.

Thumbs up for Stephen: https://www.justgiving.com/stephen-sutton-tct

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by | May 2, 2014 · 7:00 am

Prime Minister’s QC brother does unpaid ‘Community Service’

No this isn’t Dave, but it’s a scary thought isn’t it?

 A complicated fraud trial has been halted by a Judge because of cuts at the Ministry of Justice.

“To be strictly accurate, there is essentially one ‘Cut’ responsible.” said Alex Cameron QC, working free of charge on the application yesterday, “Chris Grayling, known as the ‘Unkindest Cut of all’ down at the Bailey. At least I think that’s what they call him.” Continue reading →

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by | May 1, 2014 · 7:00 am

Jeremy Clarkson filmed using N-word: announces he is to stand as Ukip MP

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The patron saint of pub bores

In the wake of film coming to light that shows him using the n-word, Jeremy Clarkson has announced that he is to stand as an MP for Ukip in the Newark by-election.

“We’re delighted,” said Nigel Farage. ‘Ukip was been watching Jeremy’s performance for some time – an ignorant comment about Islam here, a Hitler salute there – and at last he’s met the required standards of racism to represent the party.” Continue reading →

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by | April 30, 2014 · 11:00 am

Nick Clegg’s Wikipedia page updated from government PC. His.

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Edits to a Wikipedia page that described Nick Clegg as ‘funny, bright, and full of testosterone’ have been tracked to a government PC, his.

The changes which included lines saying he was ‘well respected within the coalition’ and ‘an honest man, true to his word’ have now been corrected, but questions are being asked into who made the incorrect statements.

“I know they have tracked the changes back to my computer, but I promise it wasn’t me,” Nick Clegg told reporters.
Continue reading →

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by | · 7:01 am

Main reason for voting UKIP would be to piss off Cameron, Miliband and Clegg

1% of voters have spotted the similarity

1% of voters have spotted the similarity

A poll published today has revealed that the main reason that voters are will vote for UKIP at the European Parliament election is simply to annoy and confuse the leaders of the mainstream parties.

“Whilst I regard UKIP as directly descended from the Monster Raving Loony Party, and I don’t agree with any of their views, the idea of seriously irritating the right-on, toffee nosed Tories, Lib Dems and Laborites really appeals to me,” said Dave Zhou, a typical voter from Harold. “I’d much rather vote for a quasi-racist millionaire stock broker.”

Continue reading →

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by | April 29, 2014 · 7:00 am

Job seekers ‘helped to work’ by being forced to volunteer to build HS2

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After last night’s vote in favour of HS2, David Cameron has announced the whole project will cost a lot less than originally thought with plans to get jobseekers to build the entire project as part of the governments ‘help to work’ scheme.

“Those receiving benefits should no longer think they can keep getting something for nothing, unless of course that something for nothing is inheritance from an extremely wealthy relative,” Cameron told MPs.

“So those looking for, or unable to work can contribute to this major infrastructure project by being forced to volunteer on it.”

Continue reading →

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by | April 28, 2014 · 11:00 am

Play this season’s craziest game with your free Ukip Bingo card

Nigel Farage

Oi, Farage. In the almost words of Lieutenant Ripley: Get away from him, you bitch!

It’s the craze that’s sweeping the nation! Ukip Bingo is fast, furious (about immigrants) and fun! Every time a Ukip councillor or prospective Ukip MEP tweets/says something abominable whip out your free Evening Harold Ukip Bingo card and as the press react and Ukip go on the defensive it’s eyes down for a full house!

It’s new, it’s crazy, and in the run up to the European elections you can play every day! Continue reading →

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by | April 27, 2014 · 7:45 am

Tory Party’s integrity found buried in New Mexico landfill

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A landfill is a depressing image for a Sunday morning so here’s an entirely unrelated picture of somewhere beautiful. We’re not sure where this is but judging by the presence of a mountain we think it’s North Wales.

The Tory party’s integrity has been discovered in a landfill in New Mexico. Long believed to be an urban legend excavators were surprised to find it buried under thousands of tonnes of rubbish. Continue reading →

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by | April 26, 2014 · 1:51 pm

Farage punk photo ‘may be clever forgery’

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Suspicion is growing that a photo supposedly showing UKIP leader Nigel Farage in his youth as a rebellious punk rocker is in fact a forgery.

The photo, above, seems to clearly show Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious looking adoringly into Farage’s eyes, and it is these subtle homoerotic overtones which have allegedly caused the UKIP hierarchy to demand a ban from all media outlets.

In fact, close examination by experts has now revealed that despite all appearances, the photo may in fact not be genuine. This is hard to believe, given its authentic appearance, but Photoshop gurus have managed to spot a few tell-tale discrepancies which may begin to cast doubts.
Continue reading →

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