Constant vigilance: Dave eyes up other potential sea-dwelling assaults on his dignity
Authorities in Cascais, Portugal have been ordered to cull jellyfish ahead of David Cameron taking a holiday swim. The Prime Minister is currently enjoying his second holiday abroad in four months and is anxious not to repeat the moment last time when he strode into the sea only to be swiftly stung and ejected by a jellyfish. Continue reading
“I didn’t get here today by … err how did I get here?”
Applications are invited for an exciting position right at the centre of government policy making.
Not enough to do in your own life? ‘Sort of’ interested in politics?
Always wanted to boss other people about? Maybe even a whole country?
Maybe you’re a failed parliamentary candidate, wanting to cut through all that red tape of actually winning an election Continue reading
Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
The eyes have had it.
Recent mild winters have been blamed for parliament’s upper house roll-call remaining stubbornly complete.
“Unless we get a severe cold snap, it may not be easy to lever in everyone who’s bought a peerage” said worried Tory Treasurer Lord Fink “so the PM will check long-range weather forecasts before making his final decision on numbers.”
After the Fred Goodwin scandal, big-money party donors saw that knighthoods could be lost for trifling matters, such as misplacing billions of pounds, and were more willing to stump up the extra for the guaranteed security of a peerage. Continue reading
Clarence, a foreign angel (now with wings)
Ukip in Glastonbury has come under fire for employing angels and galactic beings none of which are residents of the United Kingdom. There have been resignations in the local party amid allegations that it’s being overrun by occultists who are working with supernatural entities that use the euro and have banned imperial weights and measures in their suspiciously keen-on-garlic-but-not-real-ale celestial home. Continue reading
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Yeah, it looks okay but is there a Nandos?
The massive expansion in fracking in the UK has had a dramatic effect on the property market. Within minutes of the government announcing that fracking will be allowed to take place anywhere their chums wish to frack the rest of the population began moving to Chipping Norton. Continue reading
Filed under environment, Politics
Ed Miliband is convinced almost anyone could do a better job.
Ed Miliband has slammed the leader of the Labour Party’s ability to challenge the prime minister, and wants lollipop ladies and ironmongers to have a go.
Standing in front of a mirror and trying to sound normal, Miliband insisted that the time was right for David Cameron to face up to someone more realistic.
“Reason for change, time for change, a new dawn”, wittered Miliband. “Sustainability, communities, fewer red tape.”
An interpreter for Miliband explained that people are turned off by modern politicians, specifically Ed Miliband, David Cameron and Nick Clegg.
“But even more specifically, Ed Miliband”, said Ed Miliband’s spokesman. “The answer is to keep him on, but get someone else to do the work.”
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He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very spineless boy
After last Sunday’s sell-out success by Monty Python, the Liberal Democrats have announced that before they get annihilated in the general election they too are going to say goodbye to fans with a show at the O₂.
“Critics are saying that it will be embarrassing and that we are simply not up to performing at this level,” said Nick Clegg at a press conference today. “But we intend to put on a hell of a show. Vince Cable is practising his dancing, and Danny Alexander can’t wait to drag-up as an hugely unconvincing member of the Cabinet and talk nonsense in a stupid voice once again.” Continue reading
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Yes, Ed, we rather think that they will
Ex-BNP leader Nick Griffin: if only all unspeakable gits were this easy to spot
Despite it being one of their favourite sayings the BNP have proved that they don’t all look the same by voting in a new leader who doesn’t look like the villain in the most rubbish pantomime ever. Continue reading
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“Moi, out of touch?”
Gaffe prone Labour leader Ed Miliband has done it again by demanding that Russia are expelled from the Commonwealth Games as a reprisal for the shooting down of flight MH17, apparently ignorant of the fact that Russian aren’t a member of the Commonwealth.
Speaking off the cuff at a Labour fundraising event, Miliband seized the opportunity to demonstrate his grip on foreign policy when a supporter mentioned the anguish of the bereaved still awaiting the return of loved ones
“It is time for tough action,” said the doomed leader firmly. “If David Cameron were a real statesman, he’d immediately expel Russia from the Commonwealth Games,” adding, “in fact it’s amazing that this hasn’t been done this already.” Continue reading
Filed under International News, News, Politics
A PC version of the game is unavailable.
A new computer game that allows players to re-enact Israel’s invasion of the Gaza Strip is far too easy, according to critics.
“I had a rocket launcher, three machine guns and a 23 tonne bulldozer in my inventory, and all the game put up against me was an orphan in a shack with a food bowl. Frankly, I thought it was a bit shit”, said gamer Ariel Chutzpah.
“I started to feel a bit sorry for her, but then I remembered to activate my ‘Call from God’. It was a piece of piss to deal with her then.”
Chutzpah thinks that the game is just too one-sided, and made him feel bad about killing dozens of innocents. He wants to see a patch released that would give Palestinians a chance, or at least dehumanise them a bit more.
Continue reading
Conference location a bit too grand for the likes of some.
Rising chimney prices was top of the agenda at the Seagull Union’s Annual Conference in Scarborough this week.
Delegates complained about the cramped conditions many of their members endure, living in over-crowded squalor in crannies in the cliffs.
“I blame the government for failing to stimulate the chimney-building sector,” said one delegate, while other more radical gulls blamed the EU for restrictive anti-greenhouse gas policies.
Conference concluded that, whatever the root cause, the lack of affordable housing was due to a shortage of new chimneys, and passed a motion in favour of re-nationalising the coal industry.
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Filed under Election 2015, Nature, Politics, Society
Labour leader Ed Miliband has announced his plans to re-nationalise parts of the rail network’s buffet cars. In an attempt to bring some price controls into the market he has said any government run buffet cars would have a price cap on egg mayo sandwiches.
“We need to put to an end the unreliable service that sees passengers paying over the odds for a cup of scalding hot instant coffee that ends up of the train floor and the passenger’s lap,” Miliband said.
“We need to bring the standard of train food to the same level as other government run institutions such as the NHS and Schools, but it’s not all bad news.
Continue reading
Or maybe re-brand it as a submarine?
Disappointed salvage workers say the wrecked former-radical political party, the good ship ‘Liberal Democrats’, remains firmly glued to the sea-bed, on which it’s been resting for four years.
The enormous sunken turd – target of one of the biggest political salvage operations in history – is only just registering a pulse in the opinion polls.
Senior LibDems still believe that re-shuffling the deckchairs and the bags of wind already on board Continue reading
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Appointed on merit? The new Secretary of State for Defence
David Cameron has denied that his promoting a few women and badgers to the Cabinet in today’s reshuffle smacks of desperation.
“I am not cynically trying to increase my party’s voter appeal ahead of the general election,” he said. “And in no way did I see that lots of people seem to really like badgers if all those petitions I keep getting are any indication, and so thought that employing one or two would appease the plebs.”
He was just supposed to sell yoghurt
Local ad-woman Meya Begum has admitted that her agency created the character Boris Johnson simply to sell yoghurt.
“Boris was supposed to appeal to kids, very much in the same vein as the Honey Monster,” she explained. “But it got really out of hand. Sorry.” Continue reading
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Prince Charles has joined former Archbishop of Canterbury Lord Carey in giving his backing legislation that will allow the family of terminally ill people to assist them in dying.
“Take my own mother” he pleaded with doctors, before explaining his position further.
A committee of MPs has published a report today that suggests Vince Cable sold his soul too cheaply.
They have said Mr Cable, along with other Liberal Democrats, panicked, selling their souls, morals and ethics for the measly price of an unwinnable AV referendum all to secure a quick coalition.
Mr Cable’s soul and morals were originally valued at free tuition fees and a £2m mansion tax, however he sold them off for a promise of a public vote and a bit of power.
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Tragically Ed has no ability to speak up.
Fears are growing for the safety of Ed Miliband. In a week where a million people went on strike and the government legally banned privacy, the Leader of the Opposition’s continued silence has led to him being reported missing.
Prime minister David Cameron has held a news conference to explain the extra powers given to government to check phone and email records were originally suggested by former News Of The World editor, Tory advisor and now tenant of Her Majesty Andy Coulson.
Speaking to a packed room, Cameron said: “Andy told me some of the gossip available from people’s personal phone records. It’s that kind of knowledge that allowed me to convince Nick Clegg to renege on all his election promises.
“But for the sake of national security it will also be used for serious issues relating to terrorism. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is unlikely to try and bring Isis to the UK when we release his pathetically low Angry Birds score.”
Speaking from his cell, Coulson said he is glad his skills and ideas are finally being realised. “My background at the News Of The World allowed me to spend my time inside Downing Street training MI5 to get the personal details they needed from a phone. They are also now fully trained in sleeping with their boss without being caught, but I’ll admit that won’t help the war in terror.
“Hopefully they will now use some of my other ideas such as a sports section at the end of Prime Minister’s Questions and empowering women by making the Queen topless on the new £5 note.”
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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics
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