Category Archives: Politics

by | October 30, 2014 · 7:00 am

Frump-Bencher: near-tearful Harman lets politics get in way of fashion

harman

X-X rated: no-one with a Y chromosome has so far read her message.

Dowdy working gal Harriet Harman stepped out today in a frumpy grey t-shirt…but still wanted men would take notice of her.

Wearing a baggy unisex top, perhaps borrowed from her husband or hurriedly retrieved from the laundry basket, frump-bencher Harman raised fears she may have gone frigid, or given up on herself.

Fashion expert Pippa Delaney fears the politician wasn’t wearing a bra, or at least not one that made the most of her assets.

Yet while blatantly wearing a shapeless sack that forlornly displayed last season’s font, the ageing Harman still expected David Cameron to stare at her tits.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Frump-Bencher: near-tearful Harman lets politics get in way of fashion

Filed under Around Harold, Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | October 29, 2014 · 11:00 am

Obama calls for ‘care in the community’ for Ebola patients

obama breathes

“What? This old thing? It’s just something I happened to throw on.”

Barack Obama has rounded on ‘inhumane’ scientific quarantine procedures being used to tackle Ebola, and instead called for care in the community.

“Margaret Thatcher showed us that the people best qualified to tackle mental illness was the postman; the greengrocer; the less terrified of the neighbours”, said Obama. “And it’s just the same for people who might have Ebola.”

“Tents and respirators can be scary, whereas wondering around our cities and mass transport systems as if nothing is wrong can really calm a person down. There’s no need to be confined indoors, at least until you start bleeding from your anus.”

Obama called on Americans to be ‘neighbourly’ to those who might be feeling a little under the weather from the killer disease.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Obama calls for ‘care in the community’ for Ebola patients

Filed under Health, Politics

Tagged as , , , ,

by | October 27, 2014 · 5:07 pm

HS3 will give northerners the opportunity of not finding work right across the north of England

The North. That way, isn't it?

The North. That way, isn’t it?

David Cameron welcomed plans for HS3 this afternoon, after reading at least three pages of a report by HS2’s Sir David Higgins over luncheon.

“It’s much easier to plan than to implement,” said the PM “so I’m grateful for Sir David’s searching analysis with all its potential for shuffling that £1.7b Euro-Invoice onto page two … err … for linking up the great centres of northern unemployment … err … Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics, Transport

Tagged as , , ,

by | October 24, 2014 · 11:00 am

Cameron to remind EU of British tax values: ‘just because you earn more, doesn’t mean you pay more’

IMG_0358.JPG
David Cameron is to address the EU today to remind them that in Britain just because you are a top earner doesn’t mean you should contribute more.

The prime minister is making the speech in reaction to the EU’s insistence that owing to Britain’s economy earning more than forecast, it should have to pay the same percentage contribution on the higher amount in.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Cameron to remind EU of British tax values: ‘just because you earn more, doesn’t mean you pay more’

Filed under Economy, News, Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | October 21, 2014 · 9:26 am

Paralysed man walks again: Iain Duncan Smith hails breakthrough in anti-scrounger technology

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

Iain and Iain are pleased

Iain Duncan Smith  has said that he’s “overjoyed” that a man, Darek Fidyka, who was completely paralysed can walk again after an incredible scientific breakthrough as it brings Duncan Smith’s dream of eradicating scroungers significantly closer. Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Medicine, Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | · 7:11 am

British music murdered: it was Mike Read at the Ukip conference with a calypso

Grave

In affectionate remembrance of British popular music which died yesterday at Ukip’s hands, 20th October, 2014. Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances. The body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Paul McCartney

Ukip has killed British popular music. By releasing as a single a calypso sung by Mike Read in a faux West Indian accent so cringe-worthy it can kill gerbils and stop time then insisting that it’s witty and not at all racist the kippers have killed a much loved but ailing art form stone dead. Continue reading →

Comments Off on British music murdered: it was Mike Read at the Ukip conference with a calypso

Filed under Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | October 20, 2014 · 4:00 pm

Arms companies welcome airdrop of guns and ammo in the global fight against falling sales

IMG_0340.JPG
Arms companies have welcomed America’s decision to supply guns and ammunition to Kurdish fighters.

There were concerns that a lack of ‘boots on the ground’ would see sales of arms reaching pre-Iraq levels.

“At the moment the world is fighting two wars,” a spokesman for arms dealers explained. “One against Ebola, and one against ISIS.

“Sadly you can’t bomb the hell out of Ebola, no matter how often we suggest it, so we are relying on a prolonged war against ISIS to help give us world peace and a decent Christmas bonus.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Arms companies welcome airdrop of guns and ammo in the global fight against falling sales

Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | October 19, 2014 · 4:30 pm

‘Lock up your kids’ a promise not a warning says Grayling

ccatcherLarge

Don’t worry, they won’t be your kids, or those of your friends. Their parents probably shop in Lidl.

Chris Grayling has defended his latest blundering about in the criminal justice system, building children’s super-prisons, pointing out that they will always be for other people’s kids so nice people like you haven’t got anything to worry about.

Like Mr Graylings other initiatives, this one is soundly based on European research; his gardeners are all from Turkey and agreed the idea seemed good when it was explained to them in the greenhouse last Thursday. Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘Lock up your kids’ a promise not a warning says Grayling

Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics, Uncategorized

Tagged as , ,

by | October 17, 2014 · 10:20 am

Ched Evans urges public to ‘think hard’ over re-electing Nick Clegg

Not a suitable role model

Not a suitable role model

Convicted rapist Ched Evans has urged the public to “think really long and hard” before voting for Nick Clegg again in upcoming elections.

Evans, a Wales international footballer who was jailed in 2012 for raping a 19-year-old woman, said “When you elect an MP, you are not just taking on a representative for your community, you are electing a role model. You have to ask yourself ‘do this man’s actions over the last few years make him the sort of person we want our kids looking up to?’ and I would suggest the answer is a resounding ‘no’.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Ched Evans urges public to ‘think hard’ over re-electing Nick Clegg

Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

by | October 14, 2014 · 8:34 pm

Terror suspect ‘lived at Blair address’

court

The court artist ‘vomited like an Ebola victim’ as she attempted to make this sketch.

A terror suspect accused of carrying out ‘indiscriminate killings’ lived at an address that started with ‘Mr and Mrs Blair’s house’.

The revelation was made during a trial at the Old Bailey. Jurors were shown a video of a 61 year-old man speaking with a transatlantic accent, posing on holiday and telling locals that he was once ‘really popular, actually’.

The suspect was ‘hiding in plain sight’ according to prosecutors, in a ‘massive house’ containing paintings of himself and his ‘frankly awful’ wife.

“These were obviously planned, because colossal portraits don’t happen by accident”, said Prosecutor Cherie Blair. “And the one over the fireplace really captures my good side. Not one of them is a water colour and all of them bear the hallmark ‘A Pretty Straight Kinda Peace Envoy’. I put it to you that you’re obsessed with oils.”
Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Crime, Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | October 10, 2014 · 2:30 pm

What is the link between UKIP and Ebola? Your questions answered

A grim faced Returning Officer prepares to deliver verdict at Clacton.

Clacton’s returning officer last night

There has been a good deal of misinformation and hype about the dreadful and horrific killer Ebola plague. We try to separate the facts from the Daily Mail.

Where does it come from?  The virus emanates from fruit bats in regions of Africa. At some point it seems to have crossed over to humans.

Does that mean that batty people are more likely to contract it? We believe this is possible. Symptoms include eccentricity and joining UKIP.

Will there be screening? Some limited screening is being undertaken with Tories MPs regularly checked. However, following the Clacton by-election there are fears that it may have spread to the general public. Continue reading →

Comments Off on What is the link between UKIP and Ebola? Your questions answered

Filed under Health, News, Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | · 6:17 am

White, male, ex-Tory and incumbent MP wins by-election: Ukip hails “huge change”

454284640

Douglas Carswell pictured having his right ear gently caressed by a much smaller man.

Ukip are today as merry as a schoolboy and as giddy as a drunken man over gaining their first MP, Douglas Carswell, as a result of the Clacton by-election.

Before the polls closed Ukip’s leader, millionaire ex-City trader Nigel Farage, told the press: Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | October 9, 2014 · 7:00 am

Public urged to ‘save up’ serious injuries to take pressure off A&E

bean counter

This man’s injuries weren’t considered budget-threatening.

People with just one serious injury should ‘stay away’ from hospital until they’ve acquired a minimum of three.

Such a move could save the NHS over £35 million a year and reduce the demand on vending machines in Accident and Emergency wards, according to accountants.

“Hospitals are busy places, and no-one ever died from a broken leg”, guessed Simone Evans of Dunstable hospital’s para-accounting department. “Whereas a broken leg, a collapsed lung and a burst spleen treated in one, efficient visit could allow us to make a profit.”

An audit of customers in one A&E department revealed a startling level of clumsiness. Such a predisposition makes further injuries inevitable, particularly if they black out.

“If you’ve shattered your pelvis, rather than running crying to us straight away, why not sit on it for a while?” asked Evans.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Public urged to ‘save up’ serious injuries to take pressure off A&E

Filed under Around Harold, Economy, Health, Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | October 6, 2014 · 7:00 am

‘No new coalition without Lib Dem MPs’ warns Nick Clegg

clegg sandwich

Clegg half-heartedly eating a knuckle sandwich.

The Liberal Democrats have warned voters that there will be no future sell-out to the Tories, unless they actually elect some of his Lib Dem MPs.

The stark warning came as Clegg brushed aside questions about bedroom tax, tuition fees, bombing foreign countries, sex abuse cover-ups and actual moral fortitude. Instead, he read out the frequency his radio show is broadcast on and promised to do a fun quiz.

“A protest vote for us can still serve a purpose”, said Clegg. “A ‘vote for yellow’ is a vote for disappointment, a vote for underlining your disgust with the current voting system. A vote for highlighting the abject futility of voting.”
Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | October 5, 2014 · 4:01 pm

Clegg ‘does a Miliband’ and forgets big detail from speech – last 4 and a half years.

IMG_0109.JPG
In an embarrassing moment at the Liberal Democrat conference, leader Nick Clegg ‘did a Miliband’ and forgot a major detail in a speech – the last four and a half years.

“The Tories have run this country into the ground since the last election”, he told delegates.

“Raising tuition fees, not funding free school dinners properly, and having a deputy prime minister more interested in power than doing the best for the country shows they can’t be trusted for another five years.
Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | October 3, 2014 · 9:02 am

Tories seize poll lead for being better liars than Labour

You can't see the crossed fingers

You can’t see the crossed fingers

The Conservative Party has been propelled to the top of the opinion poll charts for the first time in three years proving that their lies, or “pledges” in political speak, delivered at this week’s conference were better than those of the Labour Party.

It seems that the Tory lie of tax cuts for all was more convincing than Labour’s promise that they were reformed liars and had learnt their lesson and would never do it again, honest. Or put it another way, David Cameron’s smarm outplayed Ed Miliband’s confusion.

Miliband wasn’t helped by missing out chunks of his speech leaving him unable to put across his full package of lies. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Tories seize poll lead for being better liars than Labour

Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | October 2, 2014 · 5:30 pm

Celebrating National Poetry Day with Matt Hancock MP

David-Cameron-Matthew-Hancock

Can’t help but wonder if all Dave’s chums are this delightful

There once was a minister on the hunt,
For more twitter followers so he took a punt,
Thinking he was using humour like a boss,
He retweeted a load of bigoted toss,
And ended up looking a right…(continued next page)

Comments Off on Celebrating National Poetry Day with Matt Hancock MP

Filed under Politics

Tagged as , , , ,

by | · 12:20 pm

Clegg refutes May’s ‘thumping great weasel’ allegation

Theresa_May_and_Ni_2368714b

Our betters

Nick Clegg has accused Theresa May of making “false and outrageous” slurs over her conference speech claim that he is a thumping great weasel who wouldn’t know a genuine political conviction if one woke him up tomorrow with croissants and an especially tender kiss. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Clegg refutes May’s ‘thumping great weasel’ allegation

Filed under Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | October 1, 2014 · 7:00 am

Theresa May’s crackdown on poisonous organisations won’t include Daily Mail

Home Secretary outlines her get-tough policy for most people “Then, if I think they look a bit iffy, I grab them by the balls…”

New anti-extremist measures announced yesterday, targeting people and groups who “stay just within the law but spread poisonous hatred”, were described as draconian by some who might fall foul of legislation: Peter Hitchens, Richard Littlejohn, Melanie Phillips and Paul Dacre.

Although a future Conservative government would ban most extremist groups, hurried negotiations yesterday afternoon with Daily Mail owner Lord Rothermere mean the self-styled ‘newspaper’ will be exempt, due to its “unique contribution” to the cultural life of the country.

Continue reading →

2 Comments

Filed under Culture, News, Politics, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , ,

by | September 29, 2014 · 11:00 am

Respected willie-waver resigns over ‘Tory MP’ slur

Phew, it's a microphone

Brooks practices performing with a life-size microphone

Essex internet sensation Brooks Newmark has resigned, after reports that he is secretly a Tory MP were published in the Sunday Mirror.

Newmark was innocently pursuing his hobby of exchanging photographs of his genitalia, with what he believed to be a fellow todger enthusiast. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Respected willie-waver resigns over ‘Tory MP’ slur

Filed under Lifestyle, News, Politics, Tory sex scandal

Tagged as , , ,