Category Archives: News

Health tourism: Local hospital reviewed. 3 stars

From the outset the décor felt 'clinical'

From the outset the décor felt ‘clinical’

With health tourism on the increase and the NHS being asked to charge more for it’s holiday services, we decided to take a weekend city break at the Luton and Dunstable University Hospital to review the amenities of this growing holiday sector.

Arriving at the hospital on a Friday evening, the first thing that we noticed is the large amounts of Brits that were very drunk and had clearly been fighting. Although we were located between Luton and Dunstable, this could have been any Spanish resort favoured by package holiday travel agents.

The receptionist seemed to be over-worked when we finally reached her desk. We were tenth in line when we joined the end of it, however we did notice the typical holiday problem of other being unable to queue. It seems that at this location arriving in an ambulance gives you priority checking in and saves you a four hour wait. Had it said this in the brochure, we may have opted for the ‘car crash’ option.
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Filed under Medicine, News, Travel

BBC announce Doctor Who Ramadan special

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Nothing is more British than this

The BBC announced today that it is to broadcast a special episode of family favourite Doctor Who to coincide with start of Ramadan on 9th July. The exact details of the plot remain a closely guarded secret but it is understood that the Doctor will make a new acquaintance and share the meal that breaks their daily fast – iftar – with them and their family.

“There have been and always will be Christmas specials of Doctor Who,” said Paul Regan, a spokesperson for the show. “But as someone who travels throughout space and time the Doctor has of course witnessed many different religious festivals so this year we are showing him getting involved in one as well as reflecting a part of the hugely diverse Doctor Who audience.” Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, News, Religion, Showbusiness

Pirelli blame tyre failures on F1 teams “putting them on cars and driving”

About to explode?

About to explode?

Pirelli have blamed the series of tyre failures at the weekend’s British Grand Prix on the way F1 teams are using the tyres, most notably that they are “putting them onto racing cars and driving on them, sometimes really fast”.

The Italian company has modified the tyres for future races but say that teams need to take their share of responsibility and review the way that they are using them, maybe considering not driving so fast or for so long.

“In tests we have found the tyres to be perfectly safe if stored in a neat pile at room temperature. In these conditions very few of them spontaneously explode.” said a statement from Pirelli.
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Filed under News, Sport

New Pool Users Left ‘Bummed Out’.

Is it a chocolate log?

Is it a chocolate log?

The gala opening of Dunstable’s new multi-million pound swimming and leisure complex hit a bum note yesterday, after a patron took ‘bombing the pool’ literally.

Just moments after the official opening ceremony, and within minutes of the great and good of Dunstable, Harold and Felching taking the plunge into the state-of-the-art pool, local school children, politicians and selected villagers were evacuated after an evacuation of an altogether different kind.

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Filed under Around Harold, News

Asset stripping government to sell off Stephen Fry

Fluctuations in Fry’s weight in gold has been blamed on national treasure investors

Fluctuations in Fry’s weight in gold has been blamed on national treasure investors

Days after Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, told the House of Commons that the government will be selling off £15 billion worth of public assets now that their policies have done to the economy what the volcano did to Pompeii, the Great British Fire Sale began in earnest with bidding being opened on Stephen Fry.

“Assets aren’t just companies and institutions though God knows we’re flogging off enough of them: the Student Loan Company, Royal Mail, the NHS it’s all got to go,” explained a treasury insider. “The great wealth of a nation lies in its people. So they can jolly well be priced, packaged and sold off too. Simples.” Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, News, Politics, Showbusiness

Pirelli urge FIA to hold German Grand Prix on ‘fairly straight section of autobahn’

autobahn

Staying awake will be just one of the challenges

Following a disasterous number of blow-outs during this weekend’s British Grand Prix, engineers at Pirelli are urging the FIA to avoid tight corners until they can work out how to make tyres.

“From reviewing the footage of Hamilton’s tyre failure, we were able to ascertain that he was driving quite fast”, explained Pirelli’s marketing chief Lorenzo Capellini. “And to be honest, anyone trying to go round a corner like that is definitely asking for trouble.”

With speed and cornering both identified as culprits, Pirelli think they’re close to finding a solution. Computer simulations have shown that either a very slow race or one in a fairly straight line would be reasonably safe, as long as they change tyres every three or four miles.
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Decline in Daily Mail sales blamed on reduction of adult magazines in stores

dailymail460 copyManagers at the Daily Mail have become concerned about fall in sales of their newspaper. The decline has been blamed on both the reduction in pornographic magazines in newsagents and the ones that are left being wrapped in plastic.

“Sales have dropped by 62% since people have lost the ability to hide their copy of the Daily Mail in a porn mag” said Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail. “It seems that although many things are not as taboo as they used to be, being seen in public with a copy of the Mail will never be socially acceptable.”
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Filed under News

Relief as Nadine Dorries confirms that she will not starve

Tory food: the £95 (that's not a typo) burger

Tory food: the £95 (that’s not a typo) burger

There was relief in Harold yesterday when Tory MP Nadine Dorries told Daybreak that she will not starve. Though not the MP for Harold kind-hearted residents had been touched by her plight when she announced that she would no longer be drawing expenses in order to campaign for reform of the system.

“We were massively concerned for the welfare of this highly principled lady,” said Reza Yavari. “It made me very upset to think of her struggling to cope on just a £66,396 MPs salary and whatever she makes as the director of Averbrook media consultancy. Then happily for us all she said live on TV ‘I have a very good partner who will not let me starve, he will feed me‘ and there was just this great outbreak of relief.” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

‘Huge amounts of interest’ as Wonga.com enters the mortgage market

These three are keeping their chins up, after losing their house for missing a payment

These three are keeping their chins up, after losing their house for missing a payment

Internet payday lender Wonga.com has announced it is to expand into the mortgage market. The move comes as it becomes increasingly difficult for people to get a mortgage without at least a 25% deposit

“Banks are tightening their belts at moment and are very reluctant to lend to people who probably can’t pay them back” Errol Damelin, founder and CEO of Wonga told us. “That’s where we come in. We can offer almost anyone a mortgage all at our competitive APR of 4212%. What’s more is that we offer 100% mortgages so there is no need for a deposit. Mortgages are over 25 years so there is plenty of time for you pay off your mortgage, or to look at it another way, 300 monthly opportunities to miss payments and give us your house. All our customers need to provide us with is a proof of identification and a pulse, or failing that, a the nae of someone they know with a pulse”
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Filed under Lifestyle, News

Ed Miliband tweets picture of himself eating food ‘like a real boy’

Early feeding simulations abandoned after Ed chewed through his strings.

Early feeding simulations abandoned after Ed chewed through his strings.

Labour’s Ed Miliband has jumped on the Osborne ‘Burgergate’ bandwagon, by tweeting a picture of himself with a portion of cheap meat.

But followers are now doubting his credibility as an ‘actual human being’, because the image shows him forcing a Big Mac in his ear.

“It’s perfectly normal to attempt to obtain energy from processed animal matter, while being uploaded with an inspiring new speech”, mouthed Ed Miliband.
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Filed under News, Politics, science

Mixed reactions as A&E bans junk food

Exactly what we all crave in times of stress.

Anyone who claims to crave this in times of stress is a liar and a hound.

There were mixed reactions in Harold yesterday as its nearest A&E unit at Dunstable Royal Infirmary announced that they have banned junk food. All the vending machines have been emptied and unplugged and the coffee shop has been replaced with a concession of Harold café Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!

“We are delighted to be looking after the needs of poor, dear Haroldites who’ve had a mishap,” trilled owner Pippa Delaney. “Now instead of thoughtlessly gorging themselves on sweet tea and crisps as they wait for treatment they can enjoy pickled mustard greens, soy puffs and lovely avocado sushi all washed down with a range of sugar-free fruit cordials.” Continue reading

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Filed under Business, Medicine, News

Public sector to be chained to their desks

servantProductivity in the public sector looks set to rise, thanks to Chancellor George Osborne’s plan to swap ‘golden handcuffs’ for ‘big rusty shackles’.

Traditionally, workers in the public sector have enjoyed generous pensions, at least when compared to their wages. But with growing old and retiring now seen as ‘the coward’s way out’, the government has found a more certain way of keeping them grafting.

“For too long, we’ve allowed slaves in the public sector to slope off when they’re quite near to death”, said Osborne. “Our efforts with ATOS have stopped some from escaping through injury or illness, but until now, the odd old one was still getting out.”

Osborne acknowledged that making it almost impossible for low-paid workers to retire comfortably was ‘gob-smackingly cruel and unfair’, but pointed out that most of them were Labour voters anyway.
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Druids ‘cautiously interested’ in new Stonehenge airport plan

hengeport

Left a bit!

After initial fierce opposition, England’s druids are reported to be ‘coming round’ to controversial new plans to build London’s fourth airport within a few metres of the ancient monument of Stonehenge.

After the recent closure of the nearby main road, hopes were high that the sacred area would at last be returned to its ancient glory. These hopes were cruelly dashed by the immediate announcement that the space formerly taken by the road would actually be dedicated to a 5km concrete runway, long enough to service the largest long-haul airliners and significantly ease the congestion of London’s other airports.

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Filed under Religion, Travel, Vikings

Defence latest: Royal Marines to be replaced by Wimbledon ball boys

At least in Afghanistan there's less chance of being caught up in a sing-a-long.

At least in Afghanistan there’s less chance of being caught up in a sing-a-long.

The Chancellor, George Osborne, will today announce the latest Spending Review in Parliament which will detail £11.5bn of cuts to Whitehall budgets. One of the more controversial aspects of this plan is the disbanding of the Royal Marines and their replacement with Wimbledon ball boys.

“The Royal Marines hold a unique position both in the military, and in public affection,” said Osborne. “They are incredibly effective at what they do and incredibly well-trained. Unfortunately they are also incredibly expensive.” Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, News, Politics

Crock of Gold was a Crock of Disappointment.

Lula-Belle is currently on vacation in the Maldives.

Lula-Belle is currently on vacation in the Maldives.

After the death of local businessman Brendon McDonald in March of this year, many villagers assumed that his estate would bequeath the bulk of Mr McDonald’s wealth to his son and daughter-in-law, but details of his will published today tell a very different story.

In his will, Mr McDonald repeatedly refers to his daughter-in-law of 36 years as ‘A gold digging tart’, who, he claimed, ‘only married my feckless, gullible son for his future wealth’. Close friends of McDonald confirm that he died unshaken in his belief that his son’s wife was little more than a cheap floozie who had nothing better to do in life that wait for her husband’s inheritance.

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Uncategorized

Socialites go crazy for new Ian Brady ‘hunger strike diet’

novbig2

Taking no chances. The don’t see food diet

As notorious child killer Ian Brady finally reveals how he keeps his wraith-like figure despite being on hunger strike for 14 years, self-absorbed socialites are adopting his diet.

Buoyed by the news that ‘food doesn’t count if you eat it in secret’, many are finding that  the Brady Hunger Strike Diet is surprisingly easy to stick to.

Villagers from Harold’s new unaffordable homes development have adopted a range of decorative nasal feeding tubes, while pretending that they ‘basically never eat’. Any weight gain can be blamed on food being hosed up their nose by the government, rather than on the mountain of toast and soup that they stuff down in the dark.
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Filed under Culture, News

Treasury to solve economic crisis by nationalising cinema popcorn

Now available in a new flavour that will leave a slightly bitter taste in the mouth

Now available in a new flavour that will leave a slightly bitter taste in the mouth

Ahead of the spending review announcement in Parliament on Wednesday, details have leaked about the latest plan to get the UK’s economy on track. As well as £11.5bn of additional cuts, George Osborne intends to nationalise the cinema popcorn trade.

“The NHS, MOD and all other government owned acronyms only ever take money from the treasury without giving anything back” the draft of the Chancellor’s statement says.

“Looking into the cinema popcorn trade shows it has a mark-up of nearly 1400%. At it’s retail price, gram-for-gram it has more value than the country’s gold reserves.”

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Filed under Economy, News, Politics

New Atos test to involve putting people on disability benefits in a wicker man

This has better wheelchair access than over 50% of Atos test centres

This has better wheelchair access than over 50% of Atos test centres

Atos, the company which carries out work capability tests on those in receipt of benefits due to illness and/or disability, has announced that it is  implementing a tougher test which will involve placing claimants in a wicker man.

Esther McVey, Conservative MP and Minister for Disabled People, spoke of her delight with the new system. “As I said in an interview earlier this year, this government is very generous to disabled people. Now after a long consultation of ten minutes minus the time it took to drink the coffee and enjoy a hobnob, I and my colleagues who are all able to work and whose basic salaries put us in the top five percent of wage earners in this country even before we’ve cracked open the treasure chest that is the MPs expense allowance have decided that that is not on.” Continue reading

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Flight attendant issues tearful apology for plane delay

Ryanair Girl

Mandi seemed normal just before her apology

A flight attendant today broke down and issued tearful apologies to passengers affected by a five hour delay of a Ryanair flight into Dunstable International Airport.

Mandi Jones, a 23 year old flight attendant from Harold, was overcome with emotion and wailed uncontrollably after realising that the 243 passengers had not only suffered an uncomfortable 4 hour wait in a crowded cold departure lounge, but had also had their onward travel plans disrupted.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Lifestyle, News

Older generation despairs over launch of female masturbation app

When we asked the internet for images on the theme of female masturbation to go with this story one of the first pictures it gave us was this one of C.S Lewis. He is, of course, terribly sexy but we were still quite surprised.

When we asked the internet for images on the theme of female masturbation to go with this story one of the first pictures it gave us was this one of C.S Lewis. He is terribly sexy but it was still quite a surprise.

The news that an app has been launched to encourage female masturbation has been met with despair from Harold’s older generation.

“Young people today,” grumbled Ruby Butler, 83. “They’ll need an app to tell them when to breathe in-and-out next. In my day we didn’t have iPhones explaining at us about having fun with our otter’s pockets we had to make our own entertainment and it was lovely.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News