President Obama defended hiring Rupert Murdoch as his communications officer after it emerged the US may have been hacking Angela Merkel’s phone.
President Obama had phoned the German Chancellor to discuss the issue and left a message, however she has denied receiving it. But Obama is adamant he left the message on her voicemail.
“I was shocked to hear the message I left her may not have recorded properly so I got Murdoch to check for me” Obama said.
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
Dude, do not being upstaging Her Majesty and the little prince with your sensational Jesus bling. Bad form.
Police claim there is no family resemblance whatsoever.
A travelling family which has traipsed around Europe for almost two hundred years is at the centre of yet another child abduction storm today. Police have taken into protective custody ‘a ginger man’, thought to be around 29 years of age and answering to the nickname ‘Harry’.
The family is said to have started out with the frankly unbelievable name of ‘Saxe-Coburg & Gotha’, but has repeatedly changed its name across various national boundaries in order to disguise itself.
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With the Home Office deciding not to continue using the immigration ‘go home’ vans, some Spanish resorts have shown an interest in purchasing them.
“A van with the basic message of ‘go home foreigner’ will do well here” the Mayor of Magaluf said.
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After earlier announcing that the NHS could save £500 million a year by charging foreign patients, Health Minister Jeremy Hunt said another £2 billion could be freed up if doctors harvested their organs.
“By charging foreigners for health care we will get the shirts off their back, which then provides easier access to their kidneys” clarified Hunt.
“My officials confirm that a number of Eastern European migrants are greedily entering the UK with two kidneys and could easily spare one to pay for routine GP visits and prescriptions. The kidneys could be on sold to China, or swapped for iPhone 5s.”
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You have never and you will never need one of these.
Following an announcement by Tesco yesterday that it’s dropping some of its promotions in order to prevent food waste British supermarkets have vowed to stop selling stupid stuff.
‘Apparently four million tonnes of food that’s perfectly edible, and I mean proper edible not food you’d maybe donate to a food bank then feel slightly guilty about, is thrown away in Britain each year,’ said Sue Gordon, spokesperson for the British Association of Supermarket Retailers. ‘Our members which include every major chain looked at the problem in depth and realised much of this could be avoided if they simply stopped selling stupid stuff. I mean did you know Waitrose sell ostrich eggs that cost nearly twenty quid each. Ostrich eggs! Have we all lost our minds?’ Continue reading
The councillor’s other plan to paint all the squirrels red and get Harold declared a wildlife haven is thought to be equally doomed. It’s harder than you might think to paint a squirrel. Trust us, we know. We’re not proud of this but we do know.
A local councillor has expressed disappointment after his bid for a reduction in road fuel duty was rejected by bureaucrats in Brussels. ‘Apparently, we’re simply not remotely rural enough,’ said Councillor Crossley.
Factors cited by Brussels in rejecting the claim were the lack of any significant distance from one place to another within the general area or any long views or muddy pathways stretching across miles of vast, open wilderness. But mainly it was because the application was sent in late. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News
Cold? Frankincense? Brrr.
Britain’s freezing pensioners, children and other humans are putting their Christmas lists together early this year – and there’s just one must-have item on their minds: a lump of coal.
As energy prices soar for the 238th consecutive week, many in the UK have forgotten what it’s like to feel their feet. With many families ripping out their gas pipes, selling them to gypsies and using the proceeds to switch a light on for an hour, the thought of a string of Christmas lanterns is too much to bear.
“Struggling families face a stark choice this year”, explained Harold’s vicar Tansy Forster, “between having something to eat, or switching the heating on. Fortunately, coal can satisfy both of these desires: it’s flammable and not all that undelicious if you use it to make a smoothie. But remember that legally, you mustn’t call it ‘Coke’.”
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Filed under Economy, News, Uncategorized
Captain Schettino raised the alarm by posting this picture on Facebook
A late 20th Century trance CD recovered from the Costa Concordia has been sold at auction for a little over its reserve.
The album is rumoured to have belonged to Captain Francesco Schettino himself, it’s thought he played it to keep himself calm as he watched his ship slowly sink.
Auction house Sotheby’s were keen to emphasise the outstanding condition of the piece, which had no signs of water damage and all the little plastic teeth still in the middle.
Julie Carmichael explained that the remarkable state of preservation was one of the reasons it fetched nearly a tenner. She thinks that’s down to the Captain’s selfless bid to save the collection of house hits, before abandoning his ship almost before the alarms sounded.
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Red indicates an area that will be bled dry by the project.
Mrs Yamada smiling the smile of someone who’s embraced enough British culture to be on the way to the pub of an afternoon.
Villagers in Harold today realised that they misheard Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt’s edict that families should be like Asians and adopt elderly relatives and are now wondering what to do with all the elderly Asians they’ve opened their homes to.
“I did think it was a weird idea,’ said mum-of-two Carly Jeffery. ‘But then when Mr Rhyming-Slang explained that the elderly Asians were all lonely and marginalised and that, it only seemed right to help out. So I found Shoji on Facebook and offered him our spare room. He’s ninety-three and insists on doing all the cleaning. Bonus. Do I have to send him back now?” Continue reading
RACIST!!
Fresh from making a formal complaint about Roy Hodgson telling a joke about a monkey, Chair of the Society of Black Lawyers, Peter Herbert, has now set his sights on the nation’s zoos, who he claims also use the term. The decorated civil rights lawyer is insisting that any reference to monkeys is removed from signs and promotional materials or he will make a complaint to the police.
“To think that in 2013 people still believe that this is acceptable language is unbelievable. Some of these zoos have signs and even adverts that have clear racial overtones which, in the multicultural society we live, is frankly unacceptable.” said Mr Herbert,
“London Zoo, which is one of the biggest zoos in the country and employs many ethnic minorities, has an attraction called ‘Meet the monkeys’. This sort of casual racism is astonishing and my organisation will be lodging a police complaint if this is not renamed immediately.” Continue reading
Following the strike action carried out by many teachers in Harold yesterday, their parents have had the unwelcome news that they are to face a fine for allowing their children to take the day off school.
The fines were introduced as the government look to crack down on absences during term-time that may have an adverse affect on pupils’ education.
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Saatchi and Saatchi have worked tirelessly to keep morons alive
With the next firefighters’ day of on-the-books inaction looming, Fire Minister Brandon Lewis has issued a list of precautions that many people wouldn’t have immediately thought of.
Top Government tips for the duration of industrial action include: Avoid taking lit birthday cakes to bed with you. Don’t let your man light his cigar when re-fuelling the Jag. And think twice before drying out damp fireworks in a gas oven.
“We’ve all done that haven’t we?” chuckled Mr Lewis, “Especially if we’ve some old fireworks left over from last 5th November, but probably best not-to this week.”
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October 18, 2013 · 12:53 am
Not wishing to be left behind in the daylight robbery business, British Gas has announced average price rises to its customers of 9.2%
Centrica, British Gas’s parent company said: “We regret having to increase prices, especially at this time of year, but we have very little control over external factors that help us deliver energy such as global prices of Champagne, an unstable caviar market and the ‘shareholders’ Christmas party’ venue’s payment terms of 100% up front.
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What did you do during the war programme, daddy?
Complaints have flooded in to the BBC website, after it was revealed that the war wasn’t mentioned for nearly a whole afternoon.
Despite Britain being in Europe and us All Being Friends Now, it’s generally accepted that the Nazi Menace should be dwelled upon on at least every hour and more often at weekends.
“I was appalled”, revealed local pensioner Doris Kettle. “I rely on the BBC’s Rolling Old News Channel for some comfort in these unthreatening times. But then last Thursday, they didn’t so much as a mention rationing or them brainboxes in Bletchley. They should warn us if they’re not going to do that: I assumed the war had restarted.”
Doris was eventually tracked down to a corrugated structure in her garden and calmed by relatives who coaxed her out with a banana and an old tin of ham. But that wasn’t before she’d blacked out her windows, killed her pets and reported her neighbour for being a Trotskyist agitator.
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Filed under Culture, Entertainment, News
The Daily Express editorial team
As following a Crimewatch appeal police detectives work towards hopefully making a major breakthrough in the Madeleine McCann disappearance case a British tabloid has spoken of its longing for the search for the missing nine year old to continue indefinitely.
“We are absolutely desperate for no news,” said Daily Express insider Nicola Simmonds. “We put something about Madeleine McCann on the front page every day. If the case concludes we’ll be buggered.” Continue reading
Oscar Tango, I am not wearing a helmet. Over.
Police Officers have sought to clarify their procedures on whether it’s OK to lie about people who tell lies for a living.
In a statement, Police from Warwickshire, West Mercia and West Midlands explained that “Despite a thorough investigation we do not believe that there is any evidence that these officers’ pants are on fire.”
It went on to clarify, “Yes, Police Federation members met last October with Andrew Mitchell, who gave them a full and frank account of his language in the matter and apologised where appropriate. Yes, they then came out of that meeting and told the media that he hadn’t done so. Yes, it now transpires that Mr Mitchell had taped the meeting, showing that they’d lied. But, to put it in context, his mum smells.”
The Hillsborough Support Group has expressed its disbelief that serving Police Officers could possibly be involved in lies and deception. “We send our heartfelt sympathy to the Police who have been found out in this way. Who knew?” said a group spokesperson.
Meanwhile, in London, where ‘plebgate’ events began in 2012, friends of Steven Lawrence and Blair Peach who have somehow managed to avoid false arrest and police assault, are organising a fund-raiser for the Metropolitan Police Benevolent Fund.
A man wearing a balaclava for health purposes explained “an officer already has to work a full 30 years before being cast onto the scrap heap with nothing but a massive lump sum and index-linked pension to survive on. The Government are planning to make things even worse and we felt we should help. There aren’t any police officers outside are there? I think I’m allergic, they bring me out in lumps.”
Janus Tomkins, the Force’s Media Finance Intake Co-ordinator insisted that the Police Federation were right behind their members.
“The good old days where villains could be fitted up as necessary are long gone,” said Tomkins, “but it’s my understanding there’s an exception for activists, politicians and football supporters. Are you wearing a Greenpeace badge? Right, you’re f***ing nicked son.”
Wouldn’t evil-doers be more scared if this was the HMS Phil Mitchell?
In an exclusive interview Admiral Michael Dearlove told the Evening Harold that the name of one of the Royal Navy’s two new aircraft carriers is having a detrimental effect on morale.
“The first ship is called HMS Queen Elizabeth,” he said. “Now no one has any problems with that. Her Majesty was quite a fox in her day and served in the British Army during the Second World War even now I think it’s fair to say that she often has a look in her eye which tells you that in a fight she’d wouldn’t mess around and would go straight for the eyes and the balls.” Continue reading
Is it just us or does Scrooge look a lot like Patrick Stewart?
The newly appointed Secretary of Secretary of State for Work and Pensions has reported that his first few days in office have been productive and struck a cautiously optimistic note by declaring them not ‘entirely humbug’.
“Stepping to Iain Duncan’s Smith’s shoes after the Cabinet reshuffle was never going to be easy,” ex-city financier Ebenzer Scrooge told us. “According to this government’s own figures since he took the reins statutory homelessness has risen by 34% and the Samaritans have reported a significant rise in suicides which are now at their highest peak this century. Sterling work but I’m hoping that my new reforms will top that.” Continue reading
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