With the on-going dispute with Spain over the sovereignty of Gibraltar slowly turning into an expensive chest beating exercise, the British Government has revealed plans to reduce the cost of constant complaints to the EU.
“This tit-for-tat argument is costing British tax payers a fortune,” Prime Minister David Cameron explained. “That’s why we are going to privatise Gibraltar next Thursday.”
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
The long running legal dispute over the remains of Richard III has been resolved with his bones being shared between dog homes located in Leicester and York.
Learn some respect, young man: Hattie was an SOE agent. In ten seconds that folder is going somewhere exceptionally violent and unexpected.
Harold council’s new law which forces door-to-door salespeople to give their private addresses out to each person they call on has been met with near unanimous approval.
“It’s great,” enthused mechanic Sean Pavey. “Now whenever I get disturbed by one of these fake-grin wearing predators I take their address and wait. I find knocking on their doors around sevenish gives me a good chance of disturbing them eating or just starting to relax after a long day.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News
The government is to introduce a new law to cap the growth of evidence supporting a cap on the cost of payday loans.
The Treasury says there is “growing evidence” that “growing evidence in support of the move” might adversely affect the reputations and profits of payday loan companies.
Speaking to the BBC, Chancellor George Osborne said there would be controls on the amount of research into payday loan charges, including arrangement and penalty fees and interest rates.
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Filed under News, Politics, Uncategorized
This location is more accessible to the disabled than more than fifty per cent of Atos assessment centres.
Later on today Iain Duncan Smith will announce that he is planning a massive shake-up of the welfare system which will see the Department of Work and Pensions end its controversial partnership with Atos, a private company that managed to make ‘fit for work’ the three most terrifying words in the English language since ‘Jimmy Savile’s here’, and instead work with the Grim Reaper from now on.
“Atos was just too slow,” Duncan Smith explained. “Despite their best efforts with the sick and disabled some are still alive. The Grim Reaper is going to deliver the results I really crave.” Continue reading
Grayling only lies when his fingers are crossed
G4S, ‘the serial offenders co’, has offered to repay the Ministry of Justice £24.1m, after admitting the way it charged for tagging offenders was ‘not appropriate’.
Fortunately for G4S, its internal review found this wasn’t the result of dishonesty. Rather, it had wrongly thought it could claim for tagging people who were dead or in prison. Or both.
“We had a result over Olympic staffing with only 3% of the contract performance related” said a corporate oaf. “Ripping off government is a victimless crime, it’s not like dead prisoners are moaning.”
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JFK incident ‘shouldn’t detract from a really great gun’
NRA members across America today celebrated the timeless design and long range accuracy of the 6.5 mm Carcano Model 91/38 carbine, the rifle Lee Harvey Oswald used to assassinate President Kennedy.
“The Carcano 91/38 was everything you could want in a rifle, accurate for long shots from a 6th story window and yet still highly effective for the close combat stuff, like shooting a stranded motorist who stops by your house to borrow the telephone” said NRA spokesmen Jed Hicks. “The rifle was also sharply priced at $19.95, plus postage. Obviously I don’t approve of Oswald shooting the President, but his choice of mail-order rifle was excellent.”
“Obviously Oswald’s rifle was the most memorable thing from 22 November 1963, but some of the Secret Service weaponry came a close second” observed Hicks. “The Colt AR-15 high-velocity rifle that most of them had was the sort of weapon that, even now, gun fans proudly display on their bedside table to use against home invaders or provide something for the kids to play with.”
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Filed under Business, News, Technology
All kinds of weird shit going on.
The world of science was left in confusion today after NASA picked up images of particles from the remains of Edwin Hubble.
“What’s really weird” said NASA operative Dr Lucille What “is that the images were beamed back to earth by the deep space imaging device of the same name, the Hubble Telescope. What we witnessed was nothing short of a family reunion.”
Edwin Hubble died more than 60 years ago. He had undoubted success with his science work, discovering that there’s a lot more space outside our own Milky Way and that the universe is expanding, but will always be remembered primarily for the role he played in bringing Chicago University basketball team their first silverware. His basketball skills were put down to his extraordinary ability to zoom in on the target net, seeing it, as he often said, ‘in at least three dimensions’.
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Filed under DNA, Intergalactic News, Lost and Found, science, Travel
Ye are many – they are few.
The Attorney General, Conservative MP Dominic Grieve, has warned that politicians need to ‘wake up’ to the problems of corruption in minority communities and cited the Bullingdon Club as a particular cause for concern.
The all-male Oxford University dining club counts David Cameron, George Osborne, Boris Johnson and Lord Voldemort amongst its past members has a reputation for exclusivity, a predilection for smashing up restaurants, and generally encourages its members to behave as if they were part of a parallel universe Drones Club in which fun has been replaced by a level of arrogance not seen since Charles I. Continue reading
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Ah virginity, we remember it well.
This weekend Doctor Who fans across the country are gathering together to celebrate fifty years of being bullied and to watch the new episode of Doctor Who before endlessly debating whether it fits into canon or not with a humourlessness and attention to minute detail not seen since the Chilcot Inquiry.
“It’s a great moment,” lifelong ‘Whovian’ Stew Holden told us. “I’ve been bullied for loving Doctor Who since the seventies and here we are in 2013 still being mocked for being sad obsessives with no lives. Though Mum and Dad have promised to do that less from now on and in return I’ve promised to think about moving out before I’m fifty.” Continue reading
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Filed under News, Showbusiness
It’s so beautiful: John Cleese can’t hide his delight as he spots another royalty cheque.
T H E A T R E
R E V I E W
The zany members of the immortal comedy team, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, appeared live on stage last night for the first time in fifty years in an effort to raise much needed nursing home fees.
Performing their best known gags from their ever fading memories, it was only thanks to the prompting of the audience that they even got through the opening Cheese Shop Sketch after Michael Plain became lost and bewildered after John Cleese’s entrance to his place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles. Continue reading
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The former boss of the Co-op Bank, Paul Flowers has been arrested by police in connection with a ‘drug supply investigation’.
Despite being questioned by police, his lawyers have said they are pretty confident no charges will be brought against their client as generally ‘bankers don’t go to prison’.
“People say bankers learnt nothing after the global financial crash,” a member of his legal team said. “But they did actually learn one very important lesson. Bankers don’t go to jail, especially the incompetent ones.
Endangered species?
Downing Street is in full damage limitation mode this morning following reports that the Prime Minister has ordered aides to ‘get rid of all that yellow crap’ in the run up to the next election. If true this would be a massive u-turn since 2010 when David Cameron said being yellow was at the heart of his policies and pledged to run the yellowest government ever.
“It’s a matter of cost,” said a Tory party insider. “We have to make cuts wherever possible and the longer we associate with the Liberal Democrats the more it’s going to cost us at the ballot box because somehow they’ve managed to become far less popular than us. And a lot of people seem to hate us.” Continue reading
Batteries, security and toothless idiots not included
Following on from previous successful television show themed board games, the makers of The Jeremy Kyle Show have revealed a new board game based on the controversial chat show, to be in the shops in time for Christmas.
The game contains all of the elements of the programme, including a DNA kit, a lie detector, a blow up audience and an after-game care team.
“People love spending Boxing Day with the family playing ‘who wants to be a millionaire,” Kyle told reporters at the launch in a Toys ‘R’ Us store.
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Filed under Culture, Entertainment, News
Celebrations are in full swing in Hull
Hull, known for being the home of poet Philip Larkin, the Ferens gallery and the Truck theatre, will follow the 2013 City of Culture, Londonderry.
The UK government chooses a new destination every four years, with the aim of helping tourism and the economy.
Hull council leader Stephen Brady said winning was “a real game-changer”.
He added: “It will give Hull a platform to tell the world what this great city has to offer, transform perceptions and accelerate our journey to make Hull a prime visitor destination.”
TV producer Phil Redmond, who chaired the City of Culture panel, said Hull was the unanimous choice because it put forward “the most compelling case based on its theme as ‘a city coming out of the shadows'”.
[Editor’s note: Sharp-eyed readers will notice that this report is copied verbatim from the BBC website. We apologise, but unfortunately we were unable to make it any funnier.]
England Vs Germany is one of the oldest football rivalries in football, so even though this game was a friendly, for the fans it means so much more. For the officials however, it is a game that needed to be handled sensitively which is why although it was all supposed to kick off between 19:39 and 19:45, they opted for a less controversial time of 20:00.
Wearing their traditional white strip, England kicked off against a Germany in green and white. England started well despite playing the first 5 minutes with ITV pundit Andy Townsend on the right. This misunderstanding was soon corrected and he was replaced with the intended Andros Townsend, which was a shame as Andros’s punditry was of a much higher standard than Andy’s
Toronto mayor and crack smoker Rob Ford. Strange, we’d always thought that crack was an appetite suppressant.
As Toronto mayor Rob Ford continues to stumble around that city smashing into objects and councillors like a rubbish Godzilla, crack has finally become a thing in the eyes of white people.
“I’m not racist,” said Harold councillor Ron Ronsson. “Far from it, I watched every episode of The Wire, but I’d always assumed that crack was an urban problem like Tyler Perry films. Now I know it can effect rich, middle-aged white men in good jobs, well, now it’s firmly on my radar.” Continue reading
Cycling inside a bus ‘even safer than stabilisers’
In response to a shocking rise in accidents involving bicycles, a road safety group is urging commuters to do their cycling ‘inside a bus’.
“Cycling is undoubtedly the best way to get to work”, claimed Polly Harvey of campaign group ‘Two Wheels Good’. “There’s no other way of arriving all sweaty and self-righteous, and with your genitalia accentuated in lycra.”
Harvey insists that with a few simple modifications cyclists will not only be able to clutter up bus lanes, but also buses. “With a bit of effort, a half-decent bike can be lugged up to the top deck. Once there you can pedal up and down the aisle, making commuting safer for nearly everyone.”
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Filed under Business, Technology, Travel
Having a real baby to kiss will stop Ed having to use his imagination
With around 18 months to go until the next General Election, the three main political party leaders and Nick Clegg are encouraging young, good looking and fertile couples to start reproducing to ensure a healthy supply of babies to kiss during their campaigns.
In what is seen to be the last tradition that still allows grown men to kiss strangers’ children, the act is seen by many spin doctors as a good way to make the front pages and gain votes without having to be held to account on policy.
“If these preferably beautiful couples start creating little bundles of electoral gold now, then they will be 9 months old at the height of the Election Campaign” ex-labour spin doctor Alastair Campbell explained. “Politicians are at their core, a little bit thick. Having a few nine-month-old pieces of political capital spread around a meet and greet gives them a diversion from real people asking questions on policy.”
After 37 years at the University of Life, Jon Sanders from Harold has decided to take a gap year to ‘enlighten his life’ by completing a law course at Dunstable University.
Mr Sanders has been a proud student at the University of Life since leaving school at 14, a fact he talks about with the pride, enthusiasm and smugness of an Oxbridge graduate.
“I was never the ‘academic type’,” Mr Sanders explained, “which would normally lead people towards art college or a media studies degree, but I decided to do all my learning in the real world.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Education, Lifestyle, News
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