No surprise as white people make crack all about them


Toronto mayor and crack smoker Rob Ford. Strange, we’d always thought that crack was an appetite suppressant.

As Toronto mayor Rob Ford continues to stumble around that city smashing into objects and councillors like a rubbish Godzilla, crack has finally become a thing in the eyes of white people.

“I’m not racist,” said Harold councillor Ron Ronsson. “Far from it, I watched every episode of The Wire, but I’d always assumed that crack was an urban problem like Tyler Perry films. Now I know it can effect rich, middle-aged white men in good jobs, well, now it’s firmly on my radar.”

“If I had to describe what I thought someone who abused crack looked like then I wouldn’t say Rob Ford,” villager Jane Hough told us in the cautious tone of voice that lets you know the speaker is also tightening their down below muscles out of fear of saying the wrong thing. “I would picture a black man who’s probably homeless and is definitely violent. Now I know that’s wrong I am much more worried about crack. I don’t know any black men, violent or otherwise, but I know loads of fat white drunks like Rob Ford so now I’m wondering how they can be saved from this menace.”

While some white people are now much more aware of crack abuse others are feeling let down as seventeen year old Simon Delaney told us.

“Crack used to be so awesome,” he said wistfully. “Rappers going on about being a slave to the pipe and how because of it the feds have changed laws and stuff to keep decent black folks down. It just looked great with all the guns and girls and money and celebration of poverty and crime but now thanks to Rob Ford it’s about as cool as Cash in The Attic.”

“It’s just another dad drug. Like when my parents have a dinner party and over coffee they all share a joint and start talking about Pink Floyd. Unless Rob Ford goes the full Heisenberg then crack’s lost it.”

Making the most of what has been dubbed the ‘Rob Ford Effect’ ITV has announced that it has hurried into production a gentle comedy drama about a loveable fruit farmer in Kent who just happens to be a massive crack fiend. Apple Jacks starring Martin Clunes will be broadcast in spring 2014.

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