This weekend Doctor Who fans across the country are gathering together to celebrate fifty years of being bullied and to watch the new episode of Doctor Who before endlessly debating whether it fits into canon or not with a humourlessness and attention to minute detail not seen since the Chilcot Inquiry.
“It’s a great moment,” lifelong ‘Whovian’ Stew Holden told us. “I’ve been bullied for loving Doctor Who since the seventies and here we are in 2013 still being mocked for being sad obsessives with no lives. Though Mum and Dad have promised to do that less from now on and in return I’ve promised to think about moving out before I’m fifty.”
However some Whovians see little to celebrate.
“The bullying’s not of the quality it once was,” sniffed Simon Woolley, “not since Doctor Who came back on TV all sexy and ironic. Now it’s socially acceptable to say you fancy the Doctor. If you’d said that in the Sylvester McCoy era people would’ve thought you were mad.”
“I miss the good old days in the nineties when I’d invite classmates home for tea and they’d see all my Doctor Who VHS’s plus my massive stack of Doctor Who paperbacks then not want to be friends. In year nine someone wrote on my pencil case that I bummed Cybermen – that’s a level of bullying you just can’t get anymore. Today if you want to be mercilessly harassed you have to be a woman cosplaying at a sci-fi convention.”
With Doctor Who currently riding high in popular culture can serious fans ever see a time when the bullying will die out completely?
“I’m confident that it won’t,” said Stew Holden. “It’s only nu-Who that’s really popular. Anything before the 2005 reboot is still considered beyond the pale so whenever a young lad spends his pocket money on the box set of The Genesis of the Daleks instead of Grand Theft Auto V they will be bullied. And whenever a kid wanders around the playground asking his classmates ‘would you like a jelly baby?’ for no reason and with no actual sweets on offer they will be bullied. It’s wonderful really and I hope such prejudice can carry on so that one day we’ll be celebrating a hundred years of bullying.”
“Why? Well, Whovians love Doctor Who, of course we do, but like all geeks we love our persecution complexes even more.”