Peace on you.
With only 3 days of December gone, violent episodes in offices and shops across the village have begun to soar as Christmas CD repeat plays hit intolerable levels.
Emergency services have reported a jump in the number of stapler based injuries and Dunstable hospital is calling for more blood donors following a spate of viscious paper cuts. Continue reading
“We just thought they were blood-sucking leeches” said shocked locals
The majority of the people arrested belong to the well known terrorist group ‘the Tories’ who have been launching attacks on domestic targets such as the NHS and disabled people for years.
But alarmingly the Tories have recently been joined by a dangerous splinter group called ‘Tory lite’ who have links to fugitive war criminal Tony Blair.
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Jeremy Corbyn says Britain should have obtained the World Heavyweight Boxing title through non-violent means, such as diplomacy or Frank Bruno.
“I accept by using Tyson Fury, Britain has won the world heavyweight crown, but at what cost? Innocent civilians had to listen to him sing an Aerosmith ballad” said Corbyn.
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We feel your pain, Sniff Mi Kok
An Australian calling himself Phuc Dat Bich, who made global headlines after saying he was fighting to use his real name on Facebook, admits it was hoax.
The man, whose real name happens to be Sniff Mi Kok, admitted to journalists today that his joke name was merely a hoax used to highlight the difficulties faced by people with amusing names.
“Luckily I do not have an amusing name, and so I have never faced these problems,” explained Sniff Mi Kok to a room full of unusually silent, fidgeting journalists.
“But I know what it is to be ridiculed for the accident of birth which is ones name. My Grandmother, Lik Dis Krutch, faced nothing but prejudice in her attempt to be a high court judge, and my cousin Tung Mi But had a very hard time when he first started working at the United Nations. Continue reading
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These people don’t use the drive home to catch up on farting
Research shows car-sharing is being hampered by more than a simple desire for nose-picking privacy.
Dr Rachel Guest recently published her study on male aversion to car-sharing.
To save you the bother of reading all 323 pages, we have adopted government practice by cherry-picking from ‘Appendix (ii) Respondents’ comments’ and pasting them here:
“I pretend to visit the HR department every Friday afternoon, but actually go home early at 3.30.” Continue reading
That Sun poll in full
A controversial opinion poll conducted by a bunch of wankers on behalf of the Sun ‘newspaper’ has found that one in five people in the UK are Satan.
The Sun originally asked reputed pollsters YouGov to conduct the survey, but were refused on the grounds that it was ‘bollocks’, it emerged today.
A new polling company, “Survation”, decided to embrace the novel corporate strategy of being immediately detested, and conducted the survey with slightly less rigour than the real polling companies might do.
Their survey apparently comprised a single question: “Are you Satan? Yes, or Not no.” Continue reading
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Caliphate of Ultra Nationalist Terrorists in Syria
David Cameron is expected to table an urgent commons vote this week to decide the next name to give to the terror group, formally known as ISIL.
The terrorist organization has undergone a series of radical name changes over the last 3 years as their PR machine struggles to find a universally acceptable brand. Continue reading
Look out ladies!
Cuts to officer numbers will severely affect the ability of undercover police to have illegal affairs with women they have befriended, senior police chiefs have told the home secretary.
“It is the worst possible timing to be cutting police numbers now, in the current climate when so many officers fancy a quick one with members of the public who do not know they are actually police,” the letter insists.
“Especially with all the other stuff going on at the moment, our officers are going to have to choose between illicit nookie and protecting the public from bad people,” it continues.
“The obvious result is that the terrorists will win.”
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Pooh – what’s that smell?
As staff at London’s Hunterian museum prepare to exhibit the skull of the original Pooh bear, other museums have begun trawling through their store rooms for similar grisly treasures.
Letwin doesn’t regret losing £3million “…as it wasn’t my own money, do you see?’
Appearing before the Commons public administration committee yesterday, an alleged minister claimed he’d spunked £3million of hard-working tax-payers’ cash down the drain because reasons. Not because he was an utter moron.
Oliver Letwin admits overruling government officials by paying £3m to Kids Company days before it collapsed but insists he doesn’t regret it “… as it wasn’t my own money, do you see?” Continue reading
“Look, there’s one now!”
Following the news that Donald Trump has suggested forcing American Muslims to wear special badges, leading Muslims have called for assholes everywhere to be made to wear ridiculous comb-over-style wigs, so they can be avoided at a distance.
Trump told reporters at his campaign bunker this morning he had originally believed that people’s skin colour could be used as a handy warning of imminent terrorism, before coming up with the excellent but uneasily-familiar idea of registration and badging.
In response, a spokesman for Muslim Action Network, a leading US charity, suggested that the real problem might be avoiding assholes, not Muslims, and pointed out that seeing as Trump is already leading the way, a laughably piss-poor hairpiece might be an excellent way to spot those a-holes a-coming. Continue reading
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Aaaaaagh!
After years of being inundated by unsolicited calls providing PPI miss-selling compensation opportunities, the world is bracing itself for a deluge of calls from opportunistic law firms offering potential riches if you are one of the lucky millions to have been bedded by Charlie Sheen.
Only a day after the actor comedian admitted his positive HIV status, the calls have started. Harold resident Nigel Thorvald grumpily answered his phone at five o’clock this morning only to hear the following pre-recorded message:
“Have you been shagged at any time by Charlie Sheen? If so, we believe you may be entitled to compensation. Please dial 967 to be put in touch with a fully trained advisor with an accent you can’t understand.” Continue reading
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Ken says ‘He started it.’
Ken Livingstone, chair of Labour’s defence review, says not apologising to Kevan Jones for a mental health slur “until he apologises to me”, is an exemplar of Labour’s new direction on defence policy.
“My whole life models how the country should be run.” explained the former London Mayor and enthusiastic tax-payer.
“Rather like Jesus, Continue reading
mac’s allegedly controversial cartoon
The family of former Nazi Reich Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels has announced immediate legal action against the Daily Mail newspaper, following the Mail’s cartoon comparing Middle-Eastern refugees to rats.
Goebbels’ famous propaganda movies and posters also pictured Jewish people as fleeing rodents, and according to German lawyers the Mail is guilty of blatant copyright infringement.
“It’s not that we don’t like what they’re doing,” explained a Goebbels family member at a press conference this morning in a Munich beer-hall. “We think Josef would have been right behind them, it’s more the principle.”
Daily Mail cartoonist Mac was quick to defend his cartoon, saying: “I’ve never copied anyone, it’s all blatant nasty lying bullshit – which I have to hold my hands up and admire, to be honest.”
“If I’ve been influenced in any way by Nazi propaganda, that would be purely subconsciously, an innocent result of spending many happy days surrounded by Nazi memorabilia, poring over Mein Kampf into the late hours. A bit of that stuff is bound to sink in.”
In a further twist, it emerged that representatives of current neo-Nazi parties were “closely studying” the rest of the Daily Mail’s content.
“That’s not because we’re thinking of suing or anything,” explained one fascist, “We just think it’s a bloody good read.”
Jeremy Corbyn has appealed to Wayne Rooney not to shoot on sight this evening but to attempt to coax the ball in with reason and dialogue first.
Corbyn favours peaceful resolution of international disputes, whether in Northern Ireland, the Middle East, or the dreary north-London suburb of Wembley.
Arbitrary time limits don’t help though, he said.”To build trust takes much longer than 90 minutes, and both of the teams and the innocent ball should be prepared to stay on until the weekend, maybe longer.”
“A well-known technique in the process is the use of various trust games.” explained the 2015 Labour leader. “One participant might, say, guide a blindfolded colleague round an obstacle course; so, very useful for Joe Hart.”
Corbyn outlined how other exercises can then move things on to a higher level. “Team-building exercises are especially helpful and might involve, say, building a log raft or engaging in some form of co-operative sport. Possibly volleyball or football”.
Forever in my heart Miffy
Miffy, a tabby cross of uncertain parentage, was tragically killed last Saturday when crushed by a large crate of halal meat that fell from a passing truck. A distraught Ms Kettle changed her Facebook profile picture to show Miffy, and added a post saying “My beautiful tabby baby – forever in my heart. RIP Miffykins.”
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The atmosphere was electric. Probably all the nylon.
Following the successful remake of 1970’s classics such as The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, Poldark and a militant left wing Labour Party, the BBC has announced that it is to reboot the 1979 BBC Election special as a 10 part serial. Continue reading
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27 of your one a week.
Public health charities are up in arms following Domino’s launch of the ‘pizza smoothie’.
The drink, which consists of three slices of pizza blended with ice-cream and a banana, is being touted as a ‘healthy breakfast’ by the firm, despite containing more than 5,000 calories.
The smoothie is the latest escalation in pizza technology. Dr Oswald Gruber, chief cheese dynamicist for Pizza Hut, started the process when he invented a high pressure cheese lance, capable of forcing super-heated Monterey Jack into any crevice. The ‘cheese-stuffed crust’ was born, closely followed by the Rennie topping.
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One small drop for the NHS, one giant leap for the National Debt.
A Department of Health proposal to reclassify homeopathy as pure cuckoo and so exclude it from NHS spending has come under fire from the alternative therapies industry.
The Department of Health says that there is no scientific evidence to support homeopathy as an effective form of medical treatment and it must be removed entirely from NHS spending. But that is missing the whole point, says local alternative practitioner George Tredinnick.
“It’s a complete category error to want to apply scientific principles to homeopathy, which by its very nature relies on Belief in Magic,” he said. “Unfortunately, Government Ministers have not one tiny drop of imagination between them.”
A local man admitted the French terror attacks caused him to have Britain First thoughts, which even a cold shower and pizza wouldn’t shake.
In what was probably a common reaction throughout the UK, Harold café owner Dominic Delaney said the horrific nature of the Jihadist attacks made him feel angry and powerless, and his immediate reaction was that Muslims be banned from entering Britain.”
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