I’ll stick to punching other men
Oversized misogynist oaf, Tyson Fury, has been warned by the British Boxing Board of Control; to take his new status as role-model seriously, stop commenting on things in real life, and stick to punching seven shades of shit out of other men.
“Yes, that’s how many shades there are” confirmed a Dulux technician, rejecting Fury’s claim to have discovered an eighth.
Murray overcome with joy
The Miss Universe 2015 contest has ended in confusion and disarray after the host mistakenly named Scottish tennis star Andy Murray as the surprise winner.
A shocked but delighted Murray had already been crowned, and was in the middle of a worldwide TV interview before the mistake was spotted.
“This is so unexpected, but I couldn’t be happier,” Murray announced in front of a cheering crowd. “I’ll do my very best to be as feminine as possible during my term as Miss Universe, starting with the grunting, that’s so important for us lady players.”
“I don’t think I’ve quite got the look yet, either. I’ve got quite a smooth backhand, but the rest of me is pretty hairy, to be honest.”
Jeremy Corbyn says Britain should have obtained the World Heavyweight Boxing title through non-violent means, such as diplomacy or Frank Bruno.
“I accept by using Tyson Fury, Britain has won the world heavyweight crown, but at what cost? Innocent civilians had to listen to him sing an Aerosmith ballad” said Corbyn.
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