The officially approved NHS logo
The Health Secretary confirmed that the Government is to publish the dossier which details every blunder currently possible under the National Health Service.
Speaking in Parliament, Jeremy Hunt confirmed that the publication of the so called “Catalogue of Errors” will enable patients to choose which bungle they would prefer in the probable likelihood of an error taking place. Continue reading
Harold GP Dr Evans has spoken out today about the increase in prescriptions he is writing for Methafone, a mobile phone substitute aimed at helping 3.5 inch screen addicts stop using their device for more than five minutes.
“Often people try to go cold turkey,” Evans explained, “but even though they will claim they are not addicted and are in control, you can still observe them waking up their device just to look at an empty home screen with no messages or missed calls.
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Might pies give off a gas which makes you fat?
Researchers studying a large group of women for 40 years say data collected shows the risk of obesity increases with over-exposure to any light-at-night, such as the problematic ‘light in the fridge’. Continue reading
Sugar-coated statins ‘delicious deep fried’.
Fat people and smokers alike have welcomed a report into the safety of statins, and are planning to celebrate by eating a big cake and then popping outside for a fag.
With questions raised over side-effects from Britain’s favourite wonder drug, some bloaters had feared they may be forced into changing their lifestyle.
But now the British Medical Journal has given the pills the all-clear, sweating, gasping middle-aged people are looking forward to ordering some big pants and gradually cutting down on their exercise.
“When I read that statins might be bad for me, I dropped my tray of donuts in shock”, said Harold resident Malcolm Evans. “Then I felt a bit clammy, and my left arm started to hurt. It’s reckless, spreading scare stories like that. I nearly took responsibility for my own mortality.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Food, Lifestyle, Medicine, science
Black represents the bad bit.
As more and more NHS services are moved from hospitals to the family home, an entrepreneur in Harold is offering door-to-door open heart surgery paraphernalia.
Brian Clutter insists that, just like giving birth, patients prefer a triple bypass in the comfort of their own lounge. And with a hygienic bucket to put any spare wobbly bits in, he promises those that survive will be pleased with the service.
“Basic washing-up liquid and a capful of bleach will clean up even the toughest of residue from a clumsily nicked artery”, claimed Clutter. “And rubbed-in dirt, perhaps from dropping a stray kidney and standing on it, can be shifted by turning the rug over.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Medicine, Politics
Ignoring 5 second rule ‘like playing Russian Roulette with biscuits’ warn experts.
Medical experts are calling for greater awareness of the ‘5 second rule’, the safe time limit for eating food after it’s fallen on the floor.
The campaign comes after the death of a man who ate a gravitied Hobnob, that had been on the carpet for over a quarter of a minute.
“Some jokers seem to think these rules don’t apply to them”, said Harold GP Doctor Evans. “Eating floor food after 5 seconds has passed can easily kill you. Or failing that, make you stronger.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Food, Medicine, science
A man sitting in the offices of an undisclosed local newspaper is a manky, filthy tramp-pig, according to unnamed sources.
Accused of burping, sniffing and farting simultaneously and harvesting nose hair with his fingers, the alleged oaf also eats cake for breakfast, it can be revealed.
“Although these activities aren’t illegal, some working at the newspaper think they should be”, said one employee. “Especially those who sit within range of his spittle.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Health, Lifestyle, Medicine
A handkerchief, or the holy ghost?
A retired pathologist has uncovered evidence that Jesus may not have died from crucifixion as widely reported.
Far from succumbing to a cross, professor Howes believes Jesus was overcome by hay fever, perhaps triggered by Easter flowers or the dust given off by moths.
“The bible gives quite a few clues that the real cause of death has been covered up”, claimed Howes. “A lot of the ‘evidence’ just doesn’t seem to stack up.”
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A surgeon who secretly branded his initials into patients’ livers during operations has been hailed by the art establishment as ‘an exciting new talent to rival Banksy’.
Vital artwork now showing at an in-patient ward near you
Simon Bramhall, who works at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham, was suspended before Christmas following the allegation that he had marked a patient, but defended himself saying his work was ‘an ironic commentary on the state of Coalition Britain and its place in a changing world.”
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You are what you eat. This is Connor Harris.
Harold GP Dr Evans has warned that no cure may ever be found for a patient’s addiction to cold turkey.
Fifteen-year-old local lad Connor Harris was already obese due a junk-food obsession. But his life took a dramatic turn when he started ‘experimenting’ with cold turkey late on Christmas Day. By Boxing Day, his addiction was cemented.
“There was certainly an element of social pressure that fateful evening,” said Dr Evans, “but it was mainly down to his personal desire to consume a savoury snack at precisely the moment his mum handed him a plate of cold turkey.”
“Personally, I’ve had enough turkey for one year after cooking the basted thing,” said Connor’s mum Ange Harris, “but, as Dr Evans has explained, it depends on whether the individual carries the cold turkey addiction gene.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Christmas, Dr. Evans' Casebook, Food, Health, Lifestyle, Medicine, spam
A team of doctors in the USA who have successfully grown the first artificial vagina have been working so hard that none of them has left their laboratory for the last three months, it was revealed today.
And so portable!
Doctors at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Centre in North Carolina used pioneering technology to build a biodegradable scaffold onto which human cells attached before being grown in a bioreactor, producing a perfect replica of the human vagina.
The pioneering team in charge of this exciting work finally emerged from their laboratory complex this morning, pale and haggard from lack of sleep, some bent double almost unable to walk, such has been their dedication to this important work. Continue reading
Huey Lewis begged surgeon ‘I want a new drug’.
80s pop legend Huey Lewis is suing his orthopaedic surgeon Dr. Nigel Trent, after being fitted with a cube-shaped hip replacement ‘for a joke’.
Lewis (63) nearly died during the operation, which left him in crippling agony and paralysed down his right side.
“The surgeon was chatting with one of the nurses, and she mentioned my smash hit ‘hip to be square’. I saw a smile cross his face, but I thought nothing more of it”, explained Lewis. “When I woke up after the op, all the staff were giggling as they showed me a replica of the square hip joint they’d fitted.”
Lewis was appalled. “I tried to move, but the pain from my right hip was excrutiating. I could feel the point of the metal cube grinding against my pelvis.” Lewis had barely moved when the edge of the block began to saw through the sciatic nerve: “I blacked out. I don’t know how long I was out for, but I woke up laying in a pool of liquid on the floor.”
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Filed under Entertainment, Medicine
Symptoms include rhythmic nipples, night sweats and mild Travolting.
The village of Harold is in the grip of a serious health crisis, with ‘disco boobs’ now infecting 35% of residents.
The outbreak has been traced to a single host: an infected out-of-town DJ at 40th birthday party in the Squirrel Lickers Arms.
“The function room was packed with heaving, sweating bodies”, said local GP Doctor Evans. “That’s the perfect breeding ground for diseases like Disco Boobs. I spotted the first symptoms when Eddie’s chest glazed over and started pulsing to the rhythm, but I was too late to stop it spreading by conga.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Health, Medicine
Smirking ‘Hayley’ showed ‘no remorse’
A woman on a downtrodden street in the north pretended to have cancer in order to claim a television award.
Julie Hesmondhalgh, also known by her alias ‘Hayley’, told neighbours and family that she was terminally ill. But after collecting millions of viewing figures and tweets of support, it later emerged that the woman was making it up.
“I really felt for Hayley, or should I say ‘Julie’, it was heart-breaking watching her go down hill so fast and then topping herself off”, said hoax victim Elsie Duggan.
“I’m in a retirement home so that sort of thing happens a lot. But her being in the public eye just seemed to make it all the more real.”
Television authorities have been tracking the fraudster using cameras and a massive award ceremony.
“Despite having cancer and being dead she walked unaided to the stage. She was pretty sprightly for the recently deceased”, revealed Duggan. “And to cap it all she showed no remorse whatsoever. In fact, she looked really pleased with herself.”
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Filed under Entertainment, Medicine, News
Skinny suit can make the fat people feel ‘as svelte as an airship’.
The NHS is squeezing fat patients into skinny suits, to give them an idea of what it feels like to be slim.
Imported from the US at a cost of £1,000 each, the suits can compress a 400-lb woman down to a size 10 dress size: the process uses something called ‘gut wax’ and an industrial vacuum.
It’s hoped that the suits will provide an insight into just how hard it can be to roll some of their fattest fellow patients from the ward down to the vending machines and back, and perhaps establish a glimmer of self-loathing, moderation and personal responsibility.
Anne Fallow is in charge of the trial, and explained the NHS’s new approach to dealing with the clinically greedy.
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Eddie’s moobs found a good home with Brenda
A local plastic surgery clinic has gained worldwide attention for its novel idea of offering both man boob removals and female breast enlargements. The clinic run by Harold doctor Clive Evans has already conducted man boob transplants for over 100 happy customers, and is a finalist in the UK Innovation Awards.
Like all good ideas, it seems surprising that nobody thought of moob transplants before. Dr Evans said he had his “eureka” moment when he and ex-wife Sally were on holiday in Marbella and they saw all the buff men and buxom women on the beach. “Sally said we have got things the wrong way round – she was flat-chested and I had double D cups” said Dr Evans. “So I said why don’t we swap?”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Health, Medicine
‘A major breakthrough’, but only if you push too hard.
Hot on the heels of the discovery of a new bit of knee, a doctor in Harold has spotted another part of the human body no-one has bothered to notice before.
Dr Evans, a GP used to rooting about in the sweaty bits, claims to have found a ‘second belly button’ somewhere near the first.
“I was examining a patient with my finger, although Mrs Delaney would prefer it if you didn’t name her”, explained Dr Evans, “when I noticed a sort of ‘inverse nose’ in an area just off to one side of her belly.”
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After earlier announcing that the NHS could save £500 million a year by charging foreign patients, Health Minister Jeremy Hunt said another £2 billion could be freed up if doctors harvested their organs.
“By charging foreigners for health care we will get the shirts off their back, which then provides easier access to their kidneys” clarified Hunt.
“My officials confirm that a number of Eastern European migrants are greedily entering the UK with two kidneys and could easily spare one to pay for routine GP visits and prescriptions. The kidneys could be on sold to China, or swapped for iPhone 5s.”
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Hunt in training to deal with awkward questions
The popular Health Secretary has told NHS pay review bodies that even the capped public sector 1% pay increase is unaffordable.
“Paying these spongers what we’ve already agreed to would cost us much more than we previously estimated, if my abacus is correct” said Jeremy Hunt, the well-known typing error.
“But once we’d fired up the Amstrad PCW8512 and crunched most of the numbers, we knew we’d dropped a right bollock.”
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We’re going in…
The nail-biting wait for the Duchess of Cambridge’s baby has proven too much for a a rag-tag bunch of mavericks, who have sworn to “go in there and get that damn baby out, or die in the attempt”.
Bruce Willis, Liam Neeson and Sylvester Stallone announced at a press conference this morning that they “were not prepared to sit here doing nothing any longer”, and are therefore planning an immediate raid into the inner depths of the royal womb to get the baby out, “whatever it takes”.
“Don’t try and stop us,” insisted Willis to horrified journalists, “We’re going in. And we don’t care how messy it gets. Yippee-ki-yay, Mother.”
Medical experts insisting that the pregnancy should be allowed to run its natural course were dismissed as “typical commie liberal do-nothing handwringers” by Willis, who pointed out that this was exactly the kind of nay-saying objection he experienced before his mission against a gigantic asteroid in the movie Armageddon.
Stallone was just as quick to overrule any suggestion that it might be tricky for three beefy men to gain entrance to Kate’s vagina, not least when tooled up with the impressive array of ropes, spotlights and specialist diving equipment they are planning to use.
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Filed under Lost and Found, Medicine, Royals, Sex, Travel
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